How to validate the secret room

[formflier]

Positive that I didn't do this right the other night... . primarily because I was completely befuddled for a while about what uBPDw was getting at.

So... . there is a thought that an old school building in the community will get rehabilitated back into use.  I play a role in that decision and came up with a set of keys.  Invited uBPDw and some kids along for the adventure.  It was really fund until she "discovered" the locked room with a pool table that had some amount of care taken with it.

She started talking about a secret club... . people could meet in that room and "get to know each other" and nobody would ever know.  For her it was a bit of a different way of dysregulating (or whatever) and the truth was the room hasn't been used in a year or so... . but rest of the building looked worse... . so it did look more cared for than rest of building... . but was still a mess.  I was incredulous. 

I got it when she started saying that I could take a warm cup of coffee and go for a walk... . meet someone there... . and get to know them better. 

What I did is state in an even a calm voice that I had never been inside that room (I don't have a key)... . and walked over and played with my kids some.

She kept bringing it up for rest of the evening... . was very aloof and grumpy about most everything... . so I went to be early.

I'm thinking I should have acknowledged her fear and expressed some sympathy for that fear,  said something about anyone with that fear would feel upset or stressed, and then stated the truth that I don't have the key and have never been in the room.

Thoughts?  I'm still new to the validation thing... . and I'm getting better with repetitive issues... . but when something like this comes out of the blue... . I'm pretty sure what I did was invalidate her.

Every once is a while a BPD story or thought comes out that strikes me as funny... . or lightens the moment... . for me at least.  This was one of those.  Very possible she detected that I was laughing at her... .

[ziniztar]

Hey formflier,

Such a strange story, wouldn't you say? I totally get why you struggle with this.

I have to say I didn't fully get it, but here's my advice based on what I understood: validation is not all about validating negative emotions, it can be positive as well. From what it looks like to me, she got really enthousiastic about the building/room. I'd simply validate her enthousiasm or creativity that was in the idea. Something like... 'Yeah that's a good suggestion for the room. You seem quite enthousiastic, is that right?' Obviously you're not really clear about what her emotion was at that time and you (we) shouldn't demand of ourselves that we'll always know. Just asking questions or stating what you notice (in an objective way), can be validating. Get along with her train of thought and enthousiasm/emotion is already enough, without having sign & seal the deal that the room will turn out to be a secret meeting room  .

[formflier]

Ahh... . I should have added some history.  A consistent theme is that I have other wives, whores, women on the side... . even found a child once that she claimed was mine.  When I happily steeped up to take a paternity test... . she started claiming that she was misunderstood... . never made those claims... . etc etc.  If so... then why all the time snooping in insurance for procedures on a child being billed to an adult name.  The child had same first name as uBPDw... . so if it was my secret child... . I could give it same first name... . since it was mine it would have same last name... . and therefore... . it gets snuck on my insurance and uBPDw is non the wiser to my love child.  (this was a while back... year or two... but one of the more fanciful theories she has come up with)

So... . she was excited about the building project because it is a neat old building and our kids will be going there.  She was bummed about secret room (I guess... ) because the inference is that I was one of the people having "secret rendezvous" in the room... . "to get to know" someone else better. 

Note... . she didn't accuse me of this... . and didn't name the other person... . but she is convinced she has uncovered a "secret club" that "nobody" knows about. Just some stomping away from my while "wondering outloud" about who might be in the club.

It's been a long time since this type of accusation/inference has come up... . so it took me a bit to catch on and figure out how to validate... or even think that I should.

She stayed negative the rest of the evening... mumbling about secret rooms so I went to bed early (plus I was tired... . )

Hope this describes the situation a bit better... . she believes (I think) that she has "caught" me yet again... .

Hey formflier,

Such a strange story, wouldn't you say? I totally get why you struggle with this.

I have to say I didn't fully get it, but here's my advice based on what I understood: validation is not all about validating negative emotions, it can be positive as well. From what it looks like to me, she got really enthousiastic about the building/room. I'd simply validate her enthousiasm or creativity that was in the idea. Something like... 'Yeah that's a good suggestion for the room. You seem quite enthousiastic, is that right?' Obviously you're not really clear about what her emotion was at that time and you (we) shouldn't demand of ourselves that we'll always know. Just asking questions or stating what you notice (in an objective way), can be validating. Get along with her train of thought and enthousiasm/emotion is already enough, without having sign & seal the deal that the room will turn out to be a secret meeting room  .

[an0ught]

Hi formflier,

you are taking this all very personal. And of course it it understandable considering the harem that you are said to be maintaining - but that is too big for that room she stumbled 

Seriously, you are triggered.

Take a step back. This is the mind of your wife. Lot's of fantasy - almost child like with a light paranoid flavor to it too. A lot of us had secrets places and clubs when we were young. Possibly the mind of your wife flipped back into her youth over all  this playing. And stuck there - particularly as nobody was listening to her and thus invalidating her.

This time you saw her mind in action without it becoming personal... .

... . and it still triggered you. Looks like a bit of paranoia on your side about her paranoia. And this is by no means fun - getting triggered all the time and constantly fending off distortions is wearing yourself out  . Work on boundaries - they help you to gain perspective.

Don't judge her too harshly on what she is saying. Yes you need a sharp mind when it comes to decisions but lots of times it is ok to let things go. Judgment of others is a two sided sword and it tends to cut ourselves often as badly - in your case it may make you more sensitive to her odd behavior.

[formflier]

OK... . I think that I'm hanging on with your point.

I tend to be one of those guys that want's (needs) to be told exactly what to do... . very procedural.  So... . what should I have done when she starts asking questions about the secret room... something that I have only the vaguest knowlege about how the pool table got there... etc etc.

And maybe second question... . when she keeps droning on about it in the prescence of my kids and I... . I choose to head to bed early.  Didn't really give an explanation... . was worn out from the day... . and the drama.

So... . maybe be more precise on what a boundary looks like in this situation. 

thanks for the perspective. 

Probably right on the triggering thing... . my word is a big deal for me.  Was Naval Aviator (officer) for a long time... . you don't lie.  You don't call people out for that unless you can back it up... .

I suppose I just have to get over it.

Hi formflier,

you are taking this all very personal. And of course it it understandable considering the harem that you are said to be maintaining - but that is too big for that room she stumbled 

Seriously, you are triggered.

Take a step back. This is the mind of your wife. Lot's of fantasy - almost child like with a light paranoid flavor to it too. A lot of us had secrets places and clubs when we were young. Possibly the mind of your wife flipped back into her youth over all  this playing. And stuck there - particularly as nobody was listening to her and thus invalidating her.

This time you saw her mind in action without it becoming personal... .

... . and it still triggered you. Looks like a bit of paranoia on your side about her paranoia. And this is by no means fun - getting triggered all the time and constantly fending off distortions is wearing yourself out  . Work on boundaries - they help you to gain perspective.

Don't judge her too harshly on what she is saying. Yes you need a sharp mind when it comes to decisions but lots of times it is ok to let things go. Judgment of others is a two sided sword and it tends to cut ourselves often as badly - in your case it may make you more sensitive to her odd behavior.

[ziniztar]

I tend to be one of those guys that want's (needs) to be told exactly what to do... . very procedural.

Hey formflier, it's good that you see this. Asking questions here at the board is what we should do, and you're completely right to get more clarification. However, I also think it's good to learn to trust your own instincts. Develop your own sense of this. I like being told what to do as well because it doesn't set me up for failure, it doesn't set me up for rejection, it's just plain safe making other people happy. However, the most important person in my world (me) is usually not. Something is off there. It's not OK only to be happy when other people are happy.

You're doing the best you can, will probably make mistakes, a lot of them, but it's the fact that you try and learn that matters. Keep on the good work

ps this was totally a message to myself as well  

[formflier]

I find it very helpful to read how others would have handled it.  And how other deal with their emotions while handling it... whatever it is.

I hate being in a situation where I have the deer in the headlight feeling and I'm searching for the right response... . especially when my gut says I should explain to her that she is a complete paranoid nutter.

So... . please keep the ideas coming.

I tend to be one of those guys that want's (needs) to be told exactly what to do... . very procedural.

Hey formflier, it's good that you see this. Asking questions here at the board is what we should do, and you're completely right to get more clarification. However, I also think it's good to learn to trust your own instincts. Develop your own sense of this. I like being told what to do as well because it doesn't set me up for failure, it doesn't set me up for rejection, it's just plain safe making other people happy. However, the most important person in my world (me) is usually not. Something is off there. It's not OK only to be happy when other people are happy.

You're doing the best you can, will probably make mistakes, a lot of them, but it's the fact that you try and learn that matters. Keep on the good work

ps this was totally a message to myself as well