Emotional control even after NC

[antjs]

is it normal to cycle between feelings of shame, regret, self guilt and anger even after 2 months of no contact ? yesterday i made my first visit to a therapist. i decided to tell him my story with my exBPD gf without initially telling him that i have been searching the internet and reading articles about BPD. after ending my story he said " first of all i dont want you to feel guilty at all. you were more than a loving patient boyfriend. your ex gf has a psychological disorder and it is called borderline personality disorder." I had an episode of hysterical laughter and i told him that i have been reading about BPD and i was not sure if she had it or not cause i am not professional at this. I asked him how professional is it that he could diagnose her without even seeing her. he told me that the traits are so obvious and that she is a text book case.  though my therapist assured me a lot i still cycle through these feelings.

[Yogeek]

Perfectly normal! Or at least I hope so because I'm still doing it, and have done it in the past during other periods of NC. One day I'm depressed and full of self-pity, other days I'm irritable and filled with rage, sometimes I'm distant and despondent, and occasionally I'm "just fine." I really wish the process was more linear, where you go through the process once and it's over, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) that hasn't been the case at all for myself.

It's awesome that you're seeing a therapist, you may want to bring up the cycling feelings with her on your next visit. I personally don't think it's anything to be concerned about, it's just part of the process. But addressing the process with someone else seems to help me work through these things. A lot of times the feelings that get brought up when ending a r/s stir up even deeper things from our past that might not have been processed fully. At least that's been the case for me.

Anyway, glad you're here! Take a look at some of the resources around the site, I have gotten a lot of help from the lessons and tools you can find here.

[BacknthSaddle]

Yes, it is very much normal. 2 months is still early in the process, but credit to you for doing so well with it and for getting into therapy! The questions now will be why were you attracted to such a "textbook case" in the first place, and can you work on yourself so that you are more readily attracted to healthy partners. These are the issues we're all working through.

[heartandwhole]

Hi antony_james,

I agree with the other posters, it is very normal.  Grieving a loss isn't linear, it cycles and has ups and downs.  Two months is not that long, in my opinion, although everyone's timetable is different.

How do you cope with these feelings, antony?

[antjs]

Yes, it is very much normal. 2 months is still early in the process, but credit to you for doing so well with it and for getting into therapy! The questions now will be why were you attracted to such a "textbook case" in the first place, and can you work on yourself so that you are more readily attracted to healthy partners. These are the issues we're all working through.

since i have read a lot about BPD, i was worried about me having co-dependence issues or childhood traumas. my therapist assured me that there is nothing major with me (it's only the first visit so he dont have enough info about me) and that i dont seem to have any co-dependence issue cause i did not last long taking her ___ and broke up with her. i feel 2 months are a lot because the relationship totally lasted for a month with idealization phase of 2 weeks and other 2 weeks of devaluation\Triangulation (meeting her ex-bf who is a "friend" in hotels :D and when i try to seduce her on the same night she refuses sex LOL)\rollercoasters\i am a miserable woman you dont wanna be with me.

[antjs]

Hi antony_james,

I agree with the other posters, it is very normal.  Grieving a loss isn't linear, it cycles and has ups and downs.  Two months is not that long, in my opinion, although everyone's timetable is different.

How do you cope with these feelings, antony?

well coping itself is even not linear. sometimes you feel like coping makes you stronger and other times like no you can't take it anymore and that you are going to die. coping has been hard personally for me cause i don't have a lot of close friends that i can trust with my story. there is no way my family would know about it cause the relationship moved very fast. my parents would be in shock if they would know that i have moved in with a woman after a week of meeting her. some coping skills are reading about BPD, going to the therapist, talking to a friend who is passing with the same situation (my female friend is still suffering with a narcissist but she is still weak to leave), meeting friends, going to the gym. The really hardest part of the day is the waking up process. it feels like some reality has just punched you in the face. the pain in the morning is strong that you automatically switch to the denial phase but the pain is strong that even this technique doesn't work. distraction is good momentarily but it doesnt skip any part of the healing\grieving process. it just hits the pause button.

[cron65]

HI... what were the traits you mentioned to the t that he can up with the diagnosis of BPD?... curious

[antjs]

HI... what were the traits you mentioned to the t that he can up with the diagnosis of BPD?... curious

i intentionally did not mention to the therapist any specific traits when i was narrating my story. i did not even tell him about me knowing or reading about BPD. after i have finished telling my story he said that she has BPD. i asked him why do you think so ? he got out a psychology book in his office and showed me the 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD. he related 6 of them to my story, 1 was not typical to her and for the last two there was no way on earth that he can know if she has them except if he can get to talk to her personally and she would be honest answering (big ).