Feeling Defensive - What can I do?

[CarolinaGirl]

Hello everyone! I'm a long time lurker and have learned so much from you all. I am currently reeling from some news my brother shared with me related to my very limited contact (essentially no contact) uBPD Father and EX-Stepmother. My brother wanted to warn me that our father and my brother's mother (half brother) told him that they think I'm manic, always have a beer in hand, secretly unhappy in my marriage and that I'm being controlled by my husband's family because they have money. They have been telling my dad's side of the family these things and I am not close to them because of my dad's past behavior.

Two examples they repeatedly cite - When our first daughter was born, I received flowers from my office. My husband answered the door and instead of showing me the card/flowers, placed them on the kitchen table. I was nursing and busy. They also say that I have abandoned my family because I didn't change my name to First, Maiden, New Last name, instead keeping my middle name. I was told by the social security administration that I would need file additional paperwork to do so and honestly never got around to it (post 9/11 security measures?).

I previously tried therapy with my father and while some progress was made, he could still not admit that he was volatile and that I would have any reason to be cautious having a relationship with him. He denies any mental illness despite being hospitalized twice and doing outpatient care for many months. I have tried writing very thought out letters to both of them hoping to explain why our relationship is troubled, taking blame for a lack of effort on my part but also trying to, very politely, point out that they make it difficult - abusive to my brother, screaming matches during our childhood, horrible life decisions, feeling they are owed for providing food and shelter for their children, saying awful things about me, my spouse, and my spouse's family. They completely twist my words as if they don't see the words on the page. My father even expressed that he was joyful that my husband's father had died so he could step up and be the only grandfather to my daughter. My ex-stepmother is also quite special in the worst sense of the word. She insists that I'm only faking happiness and she and my dad collude together when they aren't hating each other after being divorced for many years. I put myself through college, paid my way basically since I was 15 holding two jobs in high school, and have made what I consider a happy life for myself with another little one on the way (clearly not drinking so they are wrong there). My ex-step mom saw that I was doing a 100 Happy Day challenge on Facebook and told my brother that I was so miserable I couldn't come up with 100 happy things and was staging pictures of my life to do so.

My question to all of you wise sages is - how do I get over the need to defend myself? I have done nothing wrong other than remove toxic people from my life and my daughter's life. I feel like this post is making me sound conceited but I can't help but want to defend myself, my good life choices, and the happy little life I've worked so hard for. Why are the people who raised me so quick to tear me down? If I was indeed unhappy and faking like they claim, why wouldn't they be there to support me instead of being happy that I have failed? I feel like they are spreading rumors about me to people who may or may not believe them. How do I show the world that the ONLY unhappy part of my life are my unhealthy "parents"?

[CarolinaGirl]

And as a follow up question - How have you all dealt with the guilt of other family members or even strangers seeing you as the bad guy for cutting off? If you Google Adult Children of Estranged Parents it's a constant attack on the children for being selfish and the parents have no earthly idea what they did wrong. Infuriating.

[StarStruck]

Hi CarolinaGirl -

I am NC with one of my parents - so a different situ from yours as you still have contact. Although would it be possible to still keep things as you want LC (low contact) but to ask your bro whom is in contact not to inform you about what they say?

One of the stipulations of NC is to have a info barrier there between you and whomever is still in touch with the accused. If you were to steal this idea from 'NC status' maybe this will give you enough room that could make all the difference. You will then not feel like you will have anything to defend (& as you know it's all made up anyway).

They also know there's a chance their attitudes will back to you through your bro or facebook, which could be acting as 'supply' for them. Carry on as your are, be happy in the world... . your world, the people that are like you, will see you for what you are and the others that believe the rumors... . well the others don't matter... . you know who you are  . Stay firm, don't let the sheep trip you up.

[going places]

how do I get over the need to defend myself?

That's a tough one.

I struggle there too.

I have found that defending myself is like chasing down a rumor / gossip.

Or

Peeing in the wind and trying not to get wet.

I KNOW in my heart and mind I did what was BEST for my kids, and now, myself.

I do not have to defend or justify my actions to anyone on the face of this earth.

I will be held accountable to the Lord, and Him only.

Why are the people who raised me so quick to tear me down?

IKR.

Could be a 1000 reasons.

Envy, Jealousy, Fear of losing their grip on you... .

Who knows.

All I know is this: Just because we share DNA does not give them privledges to abuse me.

I would NEVER let a stranger treat me with such contempt, so what gives those whom I share DNA with special rights?

They have no right, and I chose to remove myself from a very toxic situation.

How have you all dealt with the guilt of other family members or even strangers seeing you as the bad guy for cutting off?

I have always said that the "Grim Reaper Suit" was custom fit for me.

My STBEXH not only ALLOWED everyone to dump on me, but never defended me (even when I was right out of the gate and later it was proven beyond a shadow of doubt I was right)... . which is exactly what my parents did.

I was the scapegoat.

So you know what? I removed myself from those people... . they can find another sacrificial goat.

Again, I don't care what they say about me, what they think about me, etc.

I know what I did was in the best interest of my kids, and myself.

Who knows... . keeping my kids from those toxic people just may have saved them from repeating this generational curse of sociopathic behavior.