Ugh, 10 days NC broken :(

[crushed_to_pieces]

After my exBPDbf went silent on my AGAIN a couple weeks ago and completely blew me off, my last text to him said to never contact me again. Well, yesterday morning he sent me an email. I made it till 4pm, and I was too weak, so I responded   He wasn't even that friendly and made no attempt to apologize  for his behavior. He said there were things he needed to say and thought it would help me have a better understanding as to why he did the things he did. But he also said that before he sent a second email explaining these things, he needed to make sure I would listen with an open mind.

Maybe at this point I shouldn't even care, but the softer side of me is still very vulnerable and weak, so I told him I would listen with an open heart if there were important things he felt he needed to say. He said he would email me later that day... . Well, big surprise, he's yet to send me an email, and who even knows if he will. Maybe just knowing that he could contact me and that I would respond was enough for him. He most likely just needed to know I was still there and still cared.

I'm angry at myself for responding. I feel like I've taken steps backwards since now I am obsessively checking my phone again to see if I have any new emails in my inbox.

How is it possible to treat another human that way. I was very clear to him how excruciating this recovery has been.

Do you think he will actually email me back and explain some things? Or do you think he was simply making sure that he still had his "hooks" in me? Perhaps my response alone fed his insatiable appetite for attention.

I'm so mad at myself. Maybe my response back to him was too lengthy. If you don't mind, I'm going to post it on here so you can read it objectively and give me honest opinions (names have been changed for privacy):

Bryan,

If there are things you need/want to say that are important to you, I will listen. I feel that I have had an understanding and open heart through all of this. I have welcomed conversation between us and given ample opportunity for that.

However, I need you to hear this – our break-up and the demise of our future that we had planned together, has truly been the most painful experience of my life. The recovery from this has been dark, excruciating at times, and lengthy. There are deep wounds that, by the grace of God, are healing more day by day. So I can tell you that I am open to hear your words….to really hear them and take them in, but if those words are filled with hate, anger, blame… some things are truly better left unsaid. Please spare me.

My last text to you was out of sheer hurt and confusion. I wanted nothing more than to be spending family time together with you and Sophia. I had simply wanted to sit down and talk about things with us prior to doing so. And when you went silent again – It blew my mind. I was under the impression that you wanted to work on things with us, and communication is an essential component in that.

I’ve had enough time to reflect on what happened and since we hadn’t really spoke about it (except via text), I was forced to put the pieces of the puzzle together on my own. The bottom line - no matter what mistakes were made by either of us, no matter what afflictions were present, we had committed our hearts and lives to one another. Outside of cheating, there is NOTHING that would have caused me to walk away and abandon our relationship. And I thought we were on the same page with that.

I made mistakes, hands down, no argument from me there. There are things that I could have done differently. But I tried extremely hard to communicate with you and you had completely shut down. No relationship is perfect, and you don’t give up and walk away when things get hard.

I can promise you to hear your words with an open mind, but I am asking you to please only speak them if they are constructive. If you are just wanting to vent, then please to turn to someone else in your life for that. You and I don’t need to argue anymore.

Hayden

**************

I appreciate any feedback? Should I not have responded at all? Should I have been way more brief in my response?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to listen...

[Mutt]

Don't be hard on yourself for responding. Ten days is a long time, the first few very tough. I'm sorry he didn't respond back, that's painful after sending him an open, heartfelt email like that.

A pwBPD self loathe, feel shame, guilt and have very low self esteem. They move on quickly and cope differently than you and I. It is so painful to us, how they can't seem to reciprocate our feelings and emotions.

My ex didn't want to hear how much pain that I was in. She would shut me out and even said that she absolutely does not want to talk about the marriage. This was the first conversation we had after she left. I think it brought her shame, guilt about her affair. She knew that I was in pain, but didn't want to be reminded. She was dealing with her own pain from our r/s. She was coping through a transitional object. It is her way, this is a disorder.

I had so much to say, I was angry, hurt, felt betrayed and in pain that I couldn't get her to understand or listen. I wrote letters to her in a journal to get those emotions out.

I'm so sorry crushed_to_pieces   Your message evoked, honesty and compassion  

Do you think writing him letters and not sending them would help?

[Banshee]

I could see him very well not sending that email... They love to know your desperately waiting for something from them.Whatever you do- do NOT ask about that letter it just fuels their egos and your even less likely to get it .

My ex could actually sense through text what pushed my buttons... one was not texting back in a timely matter... these are times that i would completely go off the  deep end... and yup you guessed it ... he did it even more and then would finally text back saying how ashamed I should be ... that I had no patience and needed help and so on.

So whatever you do don't let him see ya sweat!

[crushed_to_pieces]

Thank you both so much for your feedback - I so greatly appreciate it. I've come to learn through so much from the people on these boards that have experienced the same excruciating pain.

Mutt, I'm going to try your advice on writing him letters in a journal just to get everything inside of me out - thank you for that suggestion.

Banshee, you are so right on about them knowing exactly what buttons to push to make things more agonizing for us. it's sickening. I have decided to not allow him to see that desperate side to me anymore. I'm done expressing my feelings and getting nothing in return. All that does is make me fall deeper into that black hole.

Thank you both so much!

~Crushed

[babyoctopus]

Please stay strong! The rest of us are pulling for you!

I totally get where you are coming from- I see from your email (which is lovely, honest and heartfelt by the way)that you are craving his acknowledgement: You want him to acknowledge that you are hurt. It would be a miracle if he acknowledged HE has hurt you, you know he won't, don't you?

My dear, I am quite jaded, from 21 + years of living with a uBPDh, but I must say, the non-response is most likely this fella gearing up for the reply. It has to hit hard, and hit hard it will. These BPDs are so calculating, so skilled at the manipulation, most of the time we don't see it coming and its so hard to anticipate. But, to protect yourself you MUST anticipate, and steel yourself NOT to react emotionally to his replies. Their goal is ALWAYS: GET YOU BACK. I don't think I've heard many stories of a BPD just letting go. They just don't do that.

I highly recommend the book "Toxic People" (I think thats the name, by Dr. Susan Forward) In it there is a chapter that lists non-reactionary responses to anything the emotional manipulator might say to you. They are designed to defuse, and to disengage yourself. I can't tell you how many arguments it has prevented in my situation. The trick to dealing with these BPDs is to educate yourself mightily, recognize them for what they are, and not engage them. Oh, and not marry them.

 

Good luck my dear!

[willy45]

Hi Crushed to Pieces,

That is a really beautifully written email. I have done the same, said the same, over and over and over again. My ex doesn't seem to get it. The last email I sent her basically said that when she contacted me, it hurt me and that I would really appreciate it if she would stop (it has been 2 YEARS already). I have sent emails like that in the past. She does this thing where she will continue to contact over and over until I give in and then she exalts me and tells me how wonderful I am and how inspiring I am and how I am the only person in the world who understands her, that she loves me, that she misses me and on and on. Then, I get my hopes up and ask her why she calling me and then she tells me how miserable she was with me, how she would never go back to me, and on and on and on. I have told her so many times how much this kind of thing hurt me. The last email I sent her was very clear that it hurt me and that I want her to stop. Her response was: I've been thinking about it and my answer is no, I'm not going to stop. Now, whenever I am low, I obsessively check my phone and email. And this is 2 years out! And I dumped her!

So, why do they contact? It certainly isn't out of respect or love. My experience is that it is about them. They want something and that something is to know they can still make an impact, for good or for bad. They don't really care how it impacts you.

The best thing to do is not engage and deal with the emotional fall out. No contact has been the only way I have been able to survive it. The only time I fall into the darkness is anytime I respond.

[mjdg8r]

Be strong crushed.

You should feel great about going 10 days of NC. I am new to this board as of last weekend, but have already seen the benefit of the great people on here and the support provided. Count me among them. Get stronger everyday, be proud of how strong you've been so far. Smile and think about how positive and productive tomorrow will be. One day at a time... . We are here for you!

[GreenMango]

Crushed,

I remember trying to get some explanations too.  Majority of the time they didn't really explain much and confused me more.  Some of it was my approach and some of it was the disorder.

Assertiveness, or anything that smacked of confrontation, usually caused another episode.

It sounds like he cheated and this may be an issue you may be willing to try to work put if he's willing to also try to address.  (I may have read that wrong).  Whether or not there was infidelity and the issues are other things like consistent stability, honesty and communication are also important to you.   

You are very fresh from the split you may be decided you may not be.   Either is fine no judgements as to which path toy choose.   I thought I'd you are still on the fence a couple things may help:

get a good working knowledge of this disorder and what self esteem,  intimacy, abandonment, and unresolved emotional issues do to a relationship because some of the issues associated with BPD are seen in less severe instances in everyday relationships and a person ddoesn't have to have BPD to have any of these and it can still make for a very difficult relationship.

sitting down and making a list of your values and priorities for a relationship.  Compare this too what you have witnessed in your relationship and look for congruency.   Is he capable of providing this and what things are you willing to flex on.

If you want to communicate with a person with BPD there is a specific advanced set of skills that can help you communicate with that one heart and constructive aim that is important to you while still being fair to you with the purpose of providing enough room for the other person to hear you add to not add to the conflict.

He may respond he may not. I'm not totally sure if 10 day of not speaking after having this type of conflict prior to a wedding is officially the mark of the end of the relationship... . TheiThere may be a long history of this going on in your relationship and i haven't had a chance to read the background.  Relationships can go thru crisis points where one or both parties reassess their needs.   This is a really good time for you to do that.   It may be he comes back later in a week or month wanting to try again that is a great time to address your concerns or tell him that you are done. ... . after you've taken some space to think about these things and let the emotions subside.

This is difficult and you have every right to be upset,  hurt and crushed.   Take good care of you right now.

If he was willing to talk do you think you would want to have a conversation? Do you think you may need some time to sort out how you are feeling first?

It's definitely no picnic when things get this bad.   We've all been there.

[Lion Fire]

you are being lured in for supply by your ex.

Once you respond, he discards you. this is a well documented occurrence I believe.

My ex friend requested me on FB after blocking me. I waited a while and then accepted (against my better judgement). A few hours later she blocked me again   

Your bet is to detach, grieve and move on. If you are going to have any contact whatsover, try to make it on your terms. Reclaim your power.

Be strong

Chris

[Loveofhislife]

Dear Crushed: so much great counsel here, I'll just add my two cents about writing to them. We write for us--that's what is so great about these boards. A wise counselor once told me to write three letters: one that tells the person you are in conflict with EVERYTHING you think and feel about them, the relationship, etc. (but don't mail it). Write the second letter as if you are pwBPD writing to you: acknowledging your first letter and explaining their feelings (this is a good empathy exercise, but don't mail it.) The third letter is the one you write after your "come clean" letter to him and your writing his response. This third letter should be much more objective, and it is the one you would mail FOR YOU: not him. This catharsis of letter writing is to help YOU move on; it will not move him if he is pwBPD: nothing will. And most likely, it will stroke him a bit more. Before the silent treatment I received last week, I continued in an endless letter writing campaign to my pwBPD. NOTHING was ever accomplished except those letters now remind me of the insanity and keep me grounded in the reality of the need for NC and detachment. Best of luck; it's a new day today, it's a great day to start over!

[Mutt]

Dear Crushed: so much great counsel here, I'll just add my two cents about writing to them. We write for us--that's what is so great about these boards. A wise counselor once told me to write three letters: one that tells the person you are in conflict with EVERYTHING you think and feel about them, the relationship, etc. (but don't mail it). Write the second letter as if you are pwBPD writing to you: acknowledging your first letter and explaining their feelings (this is a good empathy exercise, but don't mail it.) The third letter is the one you write after your "come clean" letter to him and your writing his response. This third letter should be much more objective, and it is the one you would mail FOR YOU: not him. This catharsis of letter writing is to help YOU move on; it will not move him if he is pwBPD: nothing will. And most likely, it will stroke him a bit more. Before the silent treatment I received last week, I continued in an endless letter writing campaign to my pwBPD. NOTHING was ever accomplished except those letters now remind me of the insanity and keep me grounded in the reality of the need for NC and detachment. Best of luck; it's a new day today, it's a great day to start over!

I like the idea with the 3 letters  Very wise indeed.