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Author Topic: Hurting/feelng dumb  (Read 2175 times)
Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« on: May 05, 2014, 06:35:05 PM »

He hasnt contacted or unblocked me since sex.

Still posting on fb about other women. Im so low right now

Its not even funny.

He took a nude of me and I asked him not to.

I want to end this and make it stop. I dont want to

Just ignore when he does contact bc he is very vengeful

And im worried about what he will do with it.

I dont get how he can be so loving then not.even a phone call

After we have sex.
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« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2014, 08:47:21 PM »

I want to end this and make it stop.

Hi HBR,

Looks like this statement means you want to move on and detach from him right? Today is a new day and you have a new desire. Now have you thought about how to make it stop? Whats the next step toward your future? Being tied to him for life because he could revenge or blackmail you isn't really having a real life right? You are trying to figure out why he does things and doesn't care. He either has a mental disorder or he unfortunately doesn't care as much for you as you do him. My ex doesn't care if I even exist. So I can sure relate.



AO
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2014, 06:21:51 PM »

I am extremely depressed today and feel totally used.
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Narellan
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« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2014, 07:03:10 PM »

Hey HBR I hear you. Read through my prior posts they may help you. Short version tho is mine us a professional photographer and has hundreds of nudes of me. He has posted a few on FB, my family saw them and cut me off. I asked him to remove them, he did. our final split was (8 weeks ago). 3 weeks after split and NC he posted a couple of us together kissing ( not nudes), I ignored. A week later he posted a nude of me I hadn't even seen before so I had to break contact to tell him to remove it. Then 2 weeks after, he inboxed me on FB 2 more nudes of me. I just replied thanks. I felt overwhelmed and sick to the stomach now at what he could do with these photos. Someone mentioned on here if I didn't sign a model release form he cannot post them or use them publicly. I consulted a lawyer who said she is happy to draft a letter forbidding him to use these photos. I have that option up my sleeve, but as all has been quiet from him I don't want to flare things up again. I think I will draft the letter myself and just say I will seek legal advice if he posts anymore. But I'm still thinking through this. I think he just wanted me to contact him so he posted to get a reaction. Now I've deactivated FB he hasn't bothered to post anymore of me. And my friends will tell me if he does.

I've accepted the fact that I made a mistake giving him all this power over my photos and that I have no control over his actions. At times I've felt like he could destroy me with the photos. But I've gotten stronger, and realise it won't destroy me and I do have rights.

I really feel for you. My photos were done the first day I met him, before we got involved. If I'd known about his instability I never would have let him take them. Big lesson but not the end of the world. Big hugs 
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2014, 07:07:47 PM »

I'm just curious why he took it, and I don't trust him.

I'm so devestated. It hurts so much because he was the only one I trusted

for a loong time! I'm just taken aback and having a difficult time facing reality.

Denial seeps in often. And I'm really struggling.
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« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2014, 07:24:54 PM »

There's nothing you can do now about the photo. Wondering why he took it will only do your head in. Stop wondering. Could be a million reasons you'll never know why. What you do know is that you can't trust him, and he's not the person you believed him to be. That's a huge turning point for you. Tryst your gut feeling. Gather what you do know about him and make a decision whether you want to continue any sort of friendship with him. If not, put in place NC and makes plans for if he turns up at your door.

Grieve the loss of him, but try not to overblown the photo in your thinking. Maybe write a letter forbidding him to use it or you'll seek legal advice and post the letter. Save a copy. It's evidence then if u need it to proceed further. I wouldn't worry too much about one nude pic. He prob wants it to wank over.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2014, 07:36:38 PM »

I wouldn't worry too much about one nude pic. He prob wants it to wank over.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

One can only hope... . I don't know if I have the willpower to cut the friendship completely.

He really has no one except for his fb friends (all out of state) the girl he is flirting with is

also on FB not living near us. I do love him... . when he is a friend to me I don't trigger him

and he treats me well.

Hard to completely demonize him.
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Narellan
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« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2014, 07:48:38 PM »

Well it's not about him and whether he has nobody. This is why he has nobody. He doesn't know how to be a friend in the real world. Get off FB for a while if u can. This us about you now as a person, not about the two of you.

Last night I really had the urge to reactivated FB and sneak a peek, but I remembered last week when I did that and saw his flirting and happy posts it set me back and made me depressed again. So I was strong and didn't check. And today I'm so proud of myself. It's little steps constantly until we get to a place where we feel ourselves again.

You don't trust this man, and he hurts you. Why do u want to remain friends? My worst enemy ( if I had one) wouldn't have hurt and betrayed me as much as my "friend" exBpd. You have to start looking at who u need in your life. And what you're getting out of this friendship. Lots of grief from where I'm sitting. It helped me to do the detachment lessons on here.

You are not his saviour. The mere fact he has no one else but you tells me more about you than him. Dont you deserve better?
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2014, 08:02:10 PM »

Thank you for talking me through this I feel so alone with it right now... thank you.

It's hard to talk to friends about it, because I just keep going back. I don't want to burden them,

only to fail again. Plus it is difficult for them to understand.

Well it's not about him and whether he has nobody. This is why he has nobody. He doesn't know how to be a friend in the real world. Get off FB for a while if u can. This us about you now as a person, not about the two of you.

Last night I really had the urge to reactivated FB and sneak a peek, but I remembered last week when I did that and saw his flirting and happy posts it set me back and made me depressed again. So I was strong and didn't check. And today I'm so proud of myself. It's little steps constantly until we get to a place where we feel ourselves again.

You don't trust this man, and he hurts you. Why do u want to remain friends? My worst enemy ( if I had one) wouldn't have hurt and betrayed me as much as my "friend" exBpd. You have to start looking at who u need in your life. And what you're getting out of this friendship. Lots of grief from where I'm sitting. It helped me to do the detachment lessons on here.

You are not his saviour. The mere fact he has no one else but you tells me more about you than him. Dont you deserve better?

I guess, because, I know he is mentally ill... I empathize with that... . I know he loves me but has serious limitations because of his mental illness.  I also know that before it was romantic he was ALWAYS there for me... . but now I wonder if he was just infatuated and sexually attracted so... of course he was nice... it's hard to tell... . but for years? I don't know I want to believe the good in him will prevail. He doesn't have anyone because he is socially awkward. He was put through a lot of abuse... so I really empathize with that as well. I think he is a lot like my father... I think that is part of the attachment... I know a lot of it is unhealthy. He once told me he had a dream... that I walked away... and he couldn't get out of bed... that all he did was cry. I know he was being honest... .

Yet when I left him, he didn't even contact other than the obscure missed connection post.

It's baffling. He told me that when I am with him... I think I am talking to adult ex... but really I am talking to the child ex... . who has serious trust issues... and is scared to connect and become close to me... .

I know that if I walk away... . he will feel abandoned... he even told me I abandoned him... I don't want to put him through that... I think about his well being a lot. I also know that I don't want to leave him... guilt aside... when he is being good to me... he makes me feel really good. And we have good times... hard to let go of that. I just want to prove I can be that one person that loves him. I don't want to reinforce that he is a "lone wolf" as he calls himself... because I want to be in his life. I love him like family... (romantic stuff aside) so it is really hard. I have a few friends... . but he was the one I was closest too... so it's really hard to let that go.

It's hard to let go of the person he was with me... b/c I felt bonded to that image... I think that is a part of who he is but he splits... I think he has split me to the other side mostly to avoid closeness with me...

I know he wants to be close but can't... maybe I am giving him too much benefit of the doubt.

I don't know... I know I am giving too much and he doesn't deserve it/takes it for granted... but I don't do it to be recognized... I don't feel like I am trying to be his savior... I just feel like I am trying to be a person who cares and loves him... something he has never experienced...


He always just pushes me away anyhow thought... so it's really difficult...

This is very hard.
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Narellan
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« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2014, 08:35:42 PM »

I know sweetie, we all do. It's why we're all on here, trying to work through our feelings. When I first came into this site I was saying word for word what you are. And someone said to me " it doesn't matter how good you are to them, they will still turn on you"

That has impacted me the most. And it's so true. In fact the kinder you are to them, the more they turn on you. It's part of the illness. What I've learned is that I can't help him. No matter what I did I was the bad guy and then he split me. I've never treated anyone with so much love and respect. He was my world and soul mate. But he was very familiar with his illness and knew exactly the right words to say to me to make me believe these things, which ultimately now u see we're lies. If he'd waited his whole life for me and I was " entwined forever in his soul" how could he pursue my best friend within 2 days of ditching me? He once said to me not to take notice of his words, he means them at the time. Which basically means he may not an hour later. It's difficult to let go of the words and the feelings they gave me. But even though he was sincere at the time, he can't follow through with them. I am not his soul mate. He isn't capable of having those feelings. And if he had true love for me, he wouldn't have made my best friend my replacement. Even if he was my friend he would not have done this. I've lost the two people I loved the most. They are no longer in my life. She was my friend for 20 years! She would not have done this to me if she truly loved me either. So I am better now for knowing thus and removing them. It initially made me feel suicidal. But here I still am! And happy sometimes . And more determined than ever to turn my life around. 
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2014, 08:42:40 PM »

I know sweetie, we all do. It's why we're all on here, trying to work through our feelings. When I first came into this site I was saying word for word what you are. And someone said to me " it doesn't matter how good you are to them, they will still turn on you"

That has impacted me the most. And it's so true. In fact the kinder you are to them, the more they turn on you. It's part of the illness. What I've learned is that I can't help him. No matter what I did I was the bad guy and then he split me. I've never treated anyone with so much love and respect. He was my world and soul mate. But he was very familiar with his illness and knew exactly the right words to say to me to make me believe these things, which ultimately now u see we're lies. If he'd waited his whole life for me and I was " entwined forever in his soul" how could he pursue my best friend within 2 days of ditching me? He once said to me not to take notice of his words, he means them at the time. Which basically means he may not an hour later. It's difficult to let go of the words and the feelings they gave me. But even though he was sincere at the time, he can't follow through with them. I am not his soul mate. He isn't capable of having those feelings. And if he had true love for me, he wouldn't have made my best friend my replacement. Even if he was my friend he would not have done this. I've lost the two people I loved the most. They are no longer in my life. She was my friend for 20 years! She would not have done this to me if she truly loved me either. So I am better now for knowing thus and removing them. It initially made me feel suicidal. But here I still am! And happy sometimes . And more determined than ever to turn my life around. 

I've noticed that... the more I have grown to love him the more he pushes me away.

I don't understand how he can devote so much time to fb and people has never met

and give me scraps... doesn't he see what is about to be missing out on? It's not like I kiss

his ass... . but I care about him and it is clear that I do.

I want to let go... I tried nc i failed after 22 days. He won.

he has no respect for me... . obviously... or at least it feels that way.

What if he does call tomorrow or the next day? What do I do...

What should I do? NC is so hard... I literally had to FORCE myself not to contact.

It was horrible.
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Narellan
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« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2014, 08:55:59 PM »

Mine was on FB all the time, still is. Projecting such a happy fulfilling life. Then in his private messages to women he was mr nice guy trying to set up contacts for where he's travelling to next. So he won't be alone. He didn't want to be in a relationship because someone else might come along. He actually told me that. But then proceeded to use words to hook me in until I believed we were so in love. He said things to contradict this statement re relationships. I think he meant the things he said but was just all over the place. Didn't know what he wanted. It drove me crazy. Almost literally. Because my feelings were so true. And I wanted to see the good in him.

Now I want to see the good in me. And good for me. And it doesn't include him. I no longer want him in my life, but it's easy ATM because he doesn't want me in his. He has my best friend( ex best friend, I'm NC with her now) where it will get difficult us when he comes back to me, which he will. So I've deactivated FB, changed his caller id on my mobile to " do not answer this prick", I don't answer my landline, and when he comes to my door ill shut it on him without a word. That's my plan to safeguard my heart from any more devastation.

What's your plan?
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2014, 09:08:07 PM »

Mine was on FB all the time, still is. Projecting such a happy fulfilling life. Then in his private messages to women he was mr nice guy trying to set up contacts for where he's travelling to next. So he won't be alone. He didn't want to be in a relationship because someone else might come along. He actually told me that. But then proceeded to use words to hook me in until I believed we were so in love. He said things to contradict this statement re relationships. I think he meant the things he said but was just all over the place. Didn't know what he wanted. It drove me crazy. Almost literally. Because my feelings were so true. And I wanted to see the good in him.

Now I want to see the good in me. And good for me. And it doesn't include him. I no longer want him in my life, but it's easy ATM because he doesn't want me in his. He has my best friend( ex best friend, I'm NC with her now) where it will get difficult us when he comes back to me, which he will. So I've deactivated FB, changed his caller id on my mobile to " do not answer this prick", I don't answer my landline, and when he comes to my door ill shut it on him without a word. That's my plan to safeguard my heart from any more devastation.

What's your plan?

I don't know... avoid his calls... he won't come to my door... .

he gives up pretty easily. Plus he has a replacement...

so I'm sure he won't come by. I am not even sure if he will call at this point.

If he doesn't call it will be easy... just don't call him.

It will be harder if he calls me though.
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Narellan
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« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2014, 09:27:09 PM »

Well there's some good news... . " he gives up pretty easy"

If he has BPD he won't. He will be back and you need to prepare as if its a tornado coming.

I think you might still be on the undecided board?

That's your first decision. Where are you? What do u want?

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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2014, 09:34:15 PM »

I want to let go... and before he realized his power over me

he did come back... now he knows I'll come back... and he waits

as long as it takes. one time 6 months!
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« Reply #15 on: May 06, 2014, 09:42:51 PM »

I can feel the pain in your very writing, HBR.   :'(  I can tell that this is eating you up.  I'm truly sorry this is such an agonizing time.   Please have faith that it will get better.  Day by day the pain will lessen.

This may be the most difficult time of your time.  You are going through a truly traumatic experience.  I know, because I got obliterated too.  It is devastating.  These relationships can inflict some extremely deep core wounds, and for the vast majority of us rip they open old wounds from our past too.  That's a lot to deal with!  It is probably more than you have ever dealt with openly before.  I know for certain that's the case with me.  Our job now is to heal, and in order to heal we are going to have to address these deep and extremely painful wounds in our very inner most selves.  I think you have already started progress on that in this thread and you should be extremely proud of yourself for it.  It is a massive step.

You can not only recover from this experience, you can thrive.  This can be the chance to finally put to rest all of those old ghosts of the past.  To finally heal these profoundly deep wounds you have been carrying.  This is what some call "the gift of the borderline".  That a relationship with a pwBPD has a way of bringing all of this out into the open, and that is a golden opportunity.  As Split black recommended, spend some time reading through some of 2010's posts.  I have been doing so and there is some true wisdom to be found.  This person has obviously spent a very long time in wresting with these same issues we are facing, and I think has made some important realizations.

Keep going, HBR.  You are doing great - better than you think you are.  You are on the path.  Have faith that it will get better and you will emerge from this a better, stronger, wiser, and happier person.   
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #16 on: May 06, 2014, 09:46:31 PM »

Thanks cosmo... it doesn't feel like I"m doing better...

since I went right back to him...

and here he is treating me exactly the same.


I failed... I surrendered... and now he has probably lost

even MORE respect for me.

I wish he could see even in the future the mistreatment.

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« Reply #17 on: May 06, 2014, 10:01:39 PM »

It may feel like you have failed, but I think it may just be part of the process of letting go.  It isn't really possible for most of us to just drop someone we love in an instant and never look back.  I am confident almost every single person here has tried to reconnect with their ex at some point.  That's very normal.  We loved our pwBPD at one time, and maybe we still do.  We need to know if there is any way to make things work somehow.  I think you needed to see that, just like I did.  I know it's painful.  I got burned too.  My ex sent me the coldest reply I have ever received from anyone, and told me to never contact her again.  It hurts.  But it has also cemented in my mind that this relationship is over and has been over for a long, long time.  It was a relationship that was not founded on love, trust, and mutual admiration.  It was a relationship based on need and illness.  This is truly the absolute hardest part to accept: that our pwBPD never loved us in the way we thought they did.  WOW!  That is really, really painful!  I can't hardly think of anything more painful.  Of course we feel devastated, used, toyed with, manipulated.  I think what you are feeling is very normal and very healthy.  You need to get this out and you needed to see how shallow your ex's love really is.  He simply isn't capable of adult love.

Hang in there, HBR.  The fact that you are feeling all of this and talking about it is very, very good.  It means you are processing it.  You aren't denying it and you aren't repressing it.  You are doing great!  Give yourself a pat on the back.  This stuff is HARD!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #18 on: May 06, 2014, 10:07:30 PM »

Thank you so much! This has really helped! Im done. Its hard but...

Im letting go. There is more pain staying than leaving.

I know he ll call... . Im gonna feel bad ignoring him.

I told him I wouldnt abandon him again.

If he doesnt call im gonna feel like crap regardless.
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« Reply #19 on: May 06, 2014, 10:11:59 PM »

Thanks cosmonaut for your post. I can take a lot if info from that. I hadn't heard the expression " the gift of the borderline" but it rings do true with me now. He stripped me to my core. And the epiphany I had when I met him " I will learn so much from you" rings do loud and clear in my mind. Truly a life changing event meeting him. 
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« Reply #20 on: May 06, 2014, 10:13:39 PM »

Sorry about the spelling errors, I'm on my iPhone and d is beside s  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #21 on: May 06, 2014, 10:25:18 PM »

How do I stop the obsessing?
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« Reply #22 on: May 06, 2014, 10:28:47 PM »

Lots of vitamin b and keep busy. No alcohol and lots of talking. Here and your friends. Time will also stop the obsessing. Take care 
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« Reply #23 on: May 06, 2014, 10:42:06 PM »

I feel like sometimes I obsess about him on here.
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« Reply #24 on: May 06, 2014, 10:55:24 PM »

On here it's just working through your feelings and trying to make sense of it all. It's not obsessing. It's therapeutic. Already in your posts over the past few hours u can see progress. You are making some decisions now and things are becoming clearer. A few hours ago you seemed overwhelmed and in despair. Now you are looking at things rationally and I can see you're feeling better about things? I could be totally wrong, but your posts now are about you and how you can help yourself as opposed to him, what u can do for him, and what he's done to you. It's really great to see. Big hugs 
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« Reply #25 on: May 06, 2014, 10:59:45 PM »

You need to talk and that's what this forum is for.  You keep right on posting about your ex.  I still have very frequent ruminations about my ex and I am over 3 months out from our break-up, and we have had zero contact since (her choice) other than for her to tell me to never contact her again.  It sucks, but it's part of detaching.  Some have likened it to drug withdrawal, and I can sort of see what they mean.  Apparently, the brain chemistry between the two is strikingly similar.  There is this long period of painful craving that you enter once the initial shock and awe of the acute withdrawal has passed.  It's very natural to have these constant ruminations for a while.  We have suffered a significant loss.
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« Reply #26 on: May 06, 2014, 11:23:47 PM »

How do I stop the obsessing?

i wouldn't put energy into trying to stop. i'm not sure how much control i actually have to stop ruminating or obsessing. i think the first thing is to realize that it is a normal reaction, to understand that billions of people have gone through and understand exactly how you feel right now. and of these countless numbers a great many have become complete again and move on to have better lives--billions of people.

you can't stop the obsessing it will stop when it's ready. but you can make the grounds ready for it so then it will tend to leave you alone for longer and longer periods of time, over time  Smiling (click to insert in post)

some things to do to make a pretty bed for obsessing so it will go to sleep for a while -- something physically exhausting--working out, running, swimming (my favorite), any physical hobby you may have that brings your breathing up to the point where it's hard to talk while you catch your breath. eating as best as you can--this will set the platform to give the body what it needs to wade through everything you will have to experience while healing. you will also think clearer and feel better in general. now, i say this but it's not easy, i could barely eat at all during my first few months out. i lost a lot of weight and cycled through periods of eating pretty terribly. but, you know, that was the goal and when i did eat better i knew i was in a better space. third i would say take the time to build your awareness and understand your motives and how your past has affected them. it sounds like you're already doing much of this. fourth congratulate yourself on the work you've done so far, no matter how small. you mention that staying NC is tough for you--at the same time it sounds like you've burned yourself a few times by breaking it but that you're learning each time you do so this is strengthening your resolve. this is a minor victory here, even if you slip once in a while. it's important to look at healing time-wise as a minimum of months (like 6 months) or even better years out. there's many ups and downs and it's hard to feel like we are making progress if we are only aware of how we felt or may feel in a few weeks.

I feel like sometimes I obsess about him on here.

you are. and this is one of the best places for you to do it. remember--you're not going to stop the obsession, but you can satiate it in healthy ways. and after a while it will go to sleep... . then maybe even come back for a bit   but obsessing here is just the thing to do. it's expressing your obsession in a healthy way because you're learning from others and gaining awareness on yourself as you read and type out your feelings.

so, if you accept that your obsession is just a part of your life for a while then hopefully this will lesson the burden to feel like you have to 'stop'. and allow you to direct this energy in creative ways to figure out the best way to deal. it's not so much moving on as it is moving through
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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Posts: 472


« Reply #27 on: May 07, 2014, 03:04:22 AM »

He unblocks me from fb... . Makes all his previous posts private.

But makes plublic a post about some girl at work. Why tf would

You want me to see that?

Needless to say I feel like utter ___.
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: single (1 month)
Posts: 472


« Reply #28 on: May 07, 2014, 03:17:45 AM »

Feel sick to my stomach im so hurt... .

Why sleep with me?

Why let me see that?
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goldylamont
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« Reply #29 on: May 07, 2014, 03:25:18 AM »

He unblocks me from fb... . Makes all his previous posts private.

But makes plublic a post about some girl at work. Why tf would

You want me to see that?

Needless to say I feel like utter.

because he wants to punish you. and he wants to punish you because he has BPD and this is just how they roll.

Facebook Foolery should be added to the DSV list as a main trait for BPD.

it's a 'game' for him, in the sense that he's probably done it to plenty of women before and will continue to do it to plenty afterwards. if he's this good at pushing people's buttons using social media--imagine how much practice he's gotten with others in the past.

if you think about it you may be able to see ways that he was punishing other exes when he was in his idealization phase with you. it's devastating when it first happens. but when you can see how truly stupid this person is for doing it it helps to depersonalize it a bit--just give yourself time to get there.

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