More accusations from my exBPDgf

[Facingit]

I have maintained NC but some contact is necessary in order to get the rest of her things out of my house, which is hard considering I am out of town on vacation.  She called 4 times and sent me an incredibly amount of texts a few days ago about how she needed to get her things out of my house asap, even though she knew I was out of town.(This is all coming from a person that broke off our engagement last month and married another a few weeks later).  I've been patient over this last week since I found out, in regard to her still having things at my home.  I responded to her "the person taking care of the house is the only other one that has the key". She has accused me of being gay out of no where in the past for having a friend she said she had proof was gay.  I even went as far as to call him on speaker after these accusations so she could here me ask him why people would think we were gay (this is funny to write down).  She brought this person up again assuming he was taking care of my house, and text me a few more times to please call her when I get home so we can talk.  I just said he wasn't taking care of my house and I would talk to her later.  Yesterday, it was peaceful during the day until another enormously long text came with more follow up insistent texts.  She was demanding that I let her in the house to get her table and little things that she obviously did not need when she was getting married, but telling me how she needs them now so that we don't have to see each other again, and she will call the cops because she gets her mail there (My thought is that her marriage certificate is a more official document stating her current address).  She said she didn't want anything from me or care to have anything that was mine or ours because I was gay and to please call her, because she really doesn't want to call the cops but she will if she has to.  I try not to get angry or irritated by things like this because i know that I am not gay, and that's all that matters.  But the fact that she is trying to get me to up and leave my vacation to get her table and other junk she left at my house is just ridiculous.  She plead with me to please call her so she could get into my house.  I did call last night, but she didn't answer, and was going to give her a few options.  Option 1: you can wait angrily until I get back Option 2: you can wait patiently until I get back Option 3: You can meet my mother at my house and the cops will be there to observe everything going on (she always says her and her mom are going to come to my house or show up at my work etc... ).  I did not text her back about any of my thoughts about what she said, after she did not answer my phone call.  I really wanted to, but I think I would just be playing into the drama and chaos also giving her emotions that she thrives on.  Her new husband should the source of that now.  I want her things out of my house as much as she does, but I think if I were to leave my vacation to cater to these threats that she would not even show up.  Giving in is what I have always done before, and I am not going to let her control my life at all anymore, she is just going to have to wait, because it is my home and not hers.  No contract or lease, and my name is on the deed.

Thanks for reading.  If you have any advice or experience with this your feedback is very appreciated.

[willtimeheal]

I would simply respond that you will be back on such and such date and she can pick up her things at such and such time. Then block her and enjoy the rest of your vacation.

[Mutt]

It's emotional blackmail. Try to enjoy the rest of your vacation. Sort it out when you get back. Have her stuff sent to her if you have to.

[Facingit]

I'm trying to enjoy my vacation, but this whole thing has made me not want to be very social.  I am having a hard time, the peace I am finding is on here.  My friend says he understands what I am going through, but he is insistent that I go out to bars and stuff to meet other girls (with him and his girlfriend), and he thinks that is the solution to my problems.  I don't often go to bars anymore, I used to but I changed that about myself before I met this girl.  In my mind, yea I could go out and have fun and meet this girl he wants me to meet, have fun and all of that, but I don't want to have sex and lots of people think that solves the moving on process.  Momentary fix for some, but it doesn't change what is really going on psychologically.  I'm dealing with that tonight.  I want to have fun, but I'm not in any place to go have a random encounter and begin talking to another girl.  This is exactly what my exBPDgf does, she cheated on me before, and now she did this, in my mind I am disgusted by her actions and I would be on her level.  Momentary solutions that she got from the excitement, and will get bored very quickly.  I am still hurting, it isn't fun, but I need to feel it, not pretend it didn't happen by meeting another girl.  I don't like the fact that I am not social right now, but I haven't been social since I met her really.  It's tough.  I shouldn't let someone control my happiness, but I think I am just healing, and don't want to go out.  I really wish I wanted to, I am sad about all of this, and the energy I would be giving off is not a very welcoming one.

[Mutt]

I don't often go to bars anymore, I used to but I changed that about myself before I met this girl.  In my mind, yea I could go out and have fun and meet this girl he wants me to meet, have fun and all of that, but I don't want to have sex and lots of people think that solves the moving on process.  Momentary fix for some, but it doesn't change what is really going on psychologically.  I'm dealing with that tonight.

I can respect that. I didn't want to meet other women or get into a rebound r/s. It's a coping mechanism. I wanted to sort out my feelings, I was emotionally vulnerable. It's not fair to the other person and it's not fair to myself. I wanted to grieve, heal and work on my negative personality traits. Give myself proper time to figure out why I got into a toxic r/s and not fall into the rabbit hole again. There is plenty of road ahead, lots of time to get to that stuff later. If I wasn't up to doing something when I was with friends, they respected my boundaries.

Maybe this is a chance to practice your boundaries with your friend? Nothing wrong with going out and meeting new people, understanding that you are just meeting, talking and not having a random encounter either. It's also good to be around people, it's a distraction from what's going on at home.

[Facingit]

I agree that just meeting people is good, i did that a few days ago, and I did have fun.  It was a good distraction.  i am definitely not wanting a rebound, or an encounter.  Part of the man inside me listens to others and thinks "yea, I should go get with a random person to take my manhood back, the other part gets very disgusted".  I will probably go out at some point this week, to be around people.  I know I will feel better if I do, after a few minutes, I will get back to myself.  I have become so conditioned to where it is scary.  I dedicated so much, and am training myself to get back to the reality of life, my own life.  She was my life before, and she sucked me dry.  I have a lot of fight in me, and I know I will be ok, i have lost my father and close family, and I am still standing.  Those things were way worse than this.  I had convinced myself that she was my family as well, and even told her that, she said the same.  I have to let all of that go now, which is very difficult.  I never have been so open and vulnerable to someone before, just to have them keep saying that they don't know anything about me.  She just wanted me to be more detailed about my family and work onto my friends etc... In order to try to use it against me.  The gay accusation is nothing compared to what she has accused me of, if she wants to think I'm gay I don't care is the thing because I know I'm not and who I am.  I woke up one morning, and we were just watching tv, she didn't say much and I could just sense it, the anger, hate, and need to take it out on someone.  She said "you're really good, I know you're hiding something and I'll figure it out at some point".  I didn't know what to say aside from what do you think I'm hiding?  She couldn't elaborate but said she would know eventually.  i just said good luck you won't find anything that I am hiding.  It was those weird accusations that confused me so much.  it is a process for me.  I have so many ups and downs, that creeping feeling.

[Mutt]

I was with my ex for 7 years. The intimacy was zero in the last couple of years. She called me gay often, but the reality of it is, she was detaching. She projected her detachment on me. It's a disorder.

You should give yourself credit for the choice that you are making. These breaks up are tremendous pain, but there are big lessons about who and what we are in this pain. It's a wound, it will heal in time.

You're a big man if you stop and work on you instead of jumping into something else. You're not taking the easy way out.