Why am I the Devil and she's not?

[lipstick]

Hi all,

Quick synopsis - was dumped by exBPDbf in October of 2012. He resurfaced (sort of) in December of 2013 by sending me a Friend Request on Facebook. I ignored the request and he retaliated by blocking me. I sent an email to him explaining myself (cuz I'm co-dependent!) after the blocking and of course, it was ignored. There has been no contact by either party since. I'm assuming I've been "painted black" and am the Devil now.

When I was dumped - he immediately returned to his wife (don't ask!) of many years. I realize that I have issues and have been working on them with a counselor. But something that still bugs me - why was I painted black - am now hated - and the spouse continues to get a free pass? Just a note - she is abusive (verbally and physically) and is an alcoholic.  He is an alcoholic as well.

I don't get why she can behave in the most abhorrent ways imaginable and it's okay - but I'm Satan because I didn't accept his Friend Request. Mind you - this request came with no message, no "hello, how are you?", no nothing. No - I don't want him back, but it stings that I got the virtual slap in the face for no reason. My counselors have told me that he's just pi$$ed right now. Once he gets over it, he'll try again. I doubt that, myself - it's been five months now.

Any insight would be appreciated !  Thx!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi lipstick, I would suggest that you try re-frame the issues that are troubling you.  You could, for instance, look at them this way:

You were lucky to get dumped by your xBPDbf because many others on this site (read: me) have endured long and painful marriages to a pwBPD;

It's a good thing that your BPD alcoholic Ex has turned his attentions back on his wife, rather than continue a destructive r/s with you; and

You've had peace and the absence of drama for the last five months while he has been out of communication, which is a positive for you.

Maybe these suggestions will help you to look at your situation in a different light.

LuckyJim

[LettingGo14]

Hello lipstick.   One of the hardest things is trying to wrap our minds around why our exes do certain things.   I don't have a technical answer for you, though my understanding is that "splitting" into good and bad is a defense mechanism for our former partners.

Learning about the disorder has helped me start letting go of the belief that I could have done something to prevent being abandoned, triangulated, split.

You did a good job in December asserting your boundaries (i.e., not accepting request).   Perhaps the thing to investigate now is why his action hurts so much.   (Note:  I felt exactly the same way as you after being blocked on FB).

Detachment will lead to freedom.  Trying to figure out our former partners' motivations can keep us stuck.   If we focus instead on what it makes us feel, we can start an inquiry as to why it matters to us (e.g., lost love, shame, sadness).   We can then work with that.

Does that make sense?

[lipstick]

LettingGo14,

Thank you for your response. I AM proud that I ignored his request. It was very difficult. I've known this man since I was fifteen. We're both now fifty.

I at least wanted some type of communication along with the request. There was none. Nothing. I refuse to simply act like nothing happened and that now it's all swept under the rug. NO! I kept all of my promises to him. He kept none of his to me.

I guess I'm just having a really hard time with the fact that he hates me now. His spouse can do whatever she pleases as far as her behavior goes. She has even broken his nose. But I ignore a FB request and now I'm evil incarnate. THAT is what hurts. I have no intention of contacting him. Would serve no purpose. Only hurt me more. I'm just puzzled as to why she continually gets "do-overs" and I'm shunned.

I've been told by mutual acquaintances that he still finds ways to "check up" on me. Which is kind of creepy.

Especially since I'm pure evil now !   

[LettingGo14]

LettingGo14,

Thank you for your response. I AM proud that I ignored his request. It was very difficult. I've known this man since I was fifteen. We're both now fifty.

Yes!  You should be proud!   This IS so hard to do!

I kept all of my promises to him. He kept none of his to me.

This is a good insight.   Insights like these help us move on.

I guess I'm just having a really hard time with the fact that he hates me now.

When I was triangulated, abandoned, and smeared, I felt devastated.  I never felt more pain.   

But, psychologically, it was exactly where I needed to begin.  From the deepest self.  I had relied so much on the relationship for my happiness, even though it was drama-filled and exhausting.

Every day I release my ex.   I start the day by releasing her.  And then I welcome whatever "hard time" comes up.   It's teaching me to care for myself.

Someone much wiser than me (Tara Brach) says to welcome discomfort with the words, "I consent."   When we accept, we work through.

[Skip]

Hi lipstick, I would suggest that you try re-frame the issues that are troubling you.  You could, for instance, look at them this way:

I like Lucky Jim's idea.

You could also frame it this way.

Nothing has been said by him in over a year.  

Yes, he made a friend request.  pwBPD are impulsive. You ignored it.  He blocked you.  No communication - just meaningless Facebook jockeying.

You reacted with email to open a conversation that you previously rejected.  He didn't respond.

He may simply be detecting a lot of unfinished business -- and no "feel good" -- and he doesn't want to engage.  pwBPD are hypersensitive and have a lot of shame.  Alcoholics too. He may simply not want to pick where it was left off.

You may be reading far too much into this.

[lipstick]

Skip,

Thank you for your response. Perhaps I am. It just makes me so sad to know that he despises me now. Brings tears to my eyes right now just thinking about it. Plus, he continues to check up on me, yet hides in the shadows.

[Skip]

Lipstick,

I don't know your story in detail, but you probably shouldn't look at a man going back to his wife as the same as a single man choosing you over someone else.  They are married and there are a lot of connections in marriage that always made the relationship odds stacked against you.  Think about it, Priests, parents, friends, financial advisors, kids, and psychologists, etc. are all going to have advise that is biased to the marriage.

And you really don't know where his "head" is?  I have someone in my life that I am very fond of but she would like to have a relationship that I don't want to have myself, so I stay away so as not to hurt her. It could be this - it could be what I said above - or it could be shame/humiliation.  You can't know.

Yes, he could despise you but that fact that he reached out as much as he did, suggests not.

Sometimes we often can't go home again. Even if we have changed and grown, and they have changed and grown, and we still have affections for each other - often we can't go back.  We had our time.

What is the way you would like him to think of you and the relationship?

[lipstick]

Skip,

My details in brief - both of us in very unhappy marriages. Reconnected after 27 years. Began a relationship. I was up front and asked for a divorce from my spouse. BPDbf was to do the same. I followed thru. He did not. We lived together briefly (2 months) before he moved out on me while I was at work two days prior to my birthday. He had lost his job (did not inform me of this), panicked and went back to his spouse / house. This was in October of 2012.

He began trying to get my attention on FB in June of 2013. I learned of this thru mutual friends. I had unfriended him and was "letting him be". His last message to me had asked me to let him try to make his marriage work. I was honoring his request and staying away / No Contact / no FB peeking. According to what I was told - he was posting things on his page meant specifically for me. This continued up until November of 2013. Then he began "following" me on FB. I ignored it. The Friend Request came at the beginning of December. I ignored that as well. I wanted some type of communication. I got blocked instead.

Since December and up until the first of April, 2014 - I was receiving weekly calls from a "Restricted" number to my cell phone. I did not answer. My gut feeling is that my ex was making those calls (*67 and masking his number). I have never, ever received calls from a restricted number until the first one happened on my birthday last year and I have had the same cell # for years. They have ceased.

He has been asked over and over by friends and some family why he stays with his spouse. I asked the same question of one of his few close friends. The answer I received was, "she has nowhere else to go. No one is going to put up with her behavior. She is 62 and has no marketable skills, no money and no options. She isn't going to let him go - and she stopped having sex with him 13 years ago". So there you have it. Sad.

[Skip]

This continued up until November of 2013. Then he began "following" me on FB. I ignored it. The Friend Request came at the beginning of December. I ignored that as well. I wanted some type of communication. I got blocked instead.

So it's really unlikely that he despises you or thinks you are the devil.  Sounds like either he want to know whats going on in your life or the wife wants to check yo see any indications that the two of you have reconnected.

Messy FB stuff.

He made a choice. I would not convince myself it was out of pity - he's home for a reason.  Surely he knows you are available to talk and he is not acting on it.  He is a man of free will - he certainly knows how to reach you -- you even opened the door -- and he is not doing it.

You gave up a marriage for this relationship - that has to feel like incredible betrayal.

[lipstick]

Skip,

Yes, I feel betrayed. I wanted to "get even" with him for a while. I didn't act on it. I try to remember what other members have told me - that being BPD is payback enough. But - some days - those mean thoughts creep in.

I guess now I'm forgotten since I "rejected" him. He LOVES giving the Silent Treatment. The only thing that helps me sleep at night is thinking that behind closed doors - his life is probably not so hot. Petty of me, I know. It just hurts being erased. Although my counselors have cautioned that I'm not erased - just in a "time out" so to speak. Sheesh.

[Skip]

my counselors have cautioned that I'm not erased

Good counsel.   

[LettingGo14]

Skip,

Yes, I feel betrayed. I wanted to "get even" with him for a while. I didn't act on it. I try to remember what other members have told me - that being BPD is payback enough. But - some days - those mean thoughts creep in.

I guess now I'm forgotten since I "rejected" him. He LOVES giving the Silent Treatment. The only thing that helps me sleep at night is thinking that behind closed doors - his life is probably not so hot. Petty of me, I know. It just hurts being erased. Although my counselors have cautioned that I'm not erased - just in a "time out" so to speak. Sheesh.

Lipstick, this is very hard. And I completely empathize with you.  I was stuck for a long time, and I have struggled with detaching.   

One of the most important things is to care for yourself, and you've done a ton of work.   Where do you think you might be on the stages of detachment now (see far right of page)?  I am typically between stages 2-3 and dipping my toe into stage 4.

[lipstick]

LettingGo14,

On a good day I'm at 3. Sort of working on 4 - but not completely there. I've come a long way since he dumped me. I was a total mess. I do try and take care of myself. I hate to admit this - but it's my own personal "revenge" on him. He is deteriorating health-wise, and I'm getting back in shape and showing myself some love.

Someday I'll stop ruminating that he now has this "perfect life" but right now I still have my bad days. They aren't as frequent as they used to be, and I am taking that as a good sign.

Thank you for your thoughts on this.