Boundaries w/uBPD mom and golden brother

[tine2]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a long time since I've posted here. I have a uBPD mother, uNPD father, and golden brother. Over the last few years, I've made a lot of progress in my understanding of our family dynamic and I've worked towards separating from them and setting boundaries. I do feel stronger in that regard, however, recently I've gotten into another situation with them that has left me feeling that old familiar mix of pain, anger, and resentment. All because I let down my guard and dared to hope…that we could have a normal, straight forward relationship and that I could depend on them for something.

Here's what happened (questions on how to proceed with setting up boundaries, particularly with my brother, at the end):

My dd is 7 yrs old. Her school is having a "grandparents and special friends day" soon and as my dd loves her grandmother, I invited my uBPD mom to it. My mom lives a plane ride away but I invited her to come visit for awhile as it's been a long time since we've seen her. Right away she said yes, she'd be happy to. So, I told my dd and we began to plan for my mom's visit. Then, a few weeks later, my mom said no, she couldn't come, after all. I told my dd who was disappointed, but we moved on. Instead, I asked my brother to go with my dd to her school event, as he's another one of her favorite people in the world. The problem is that my golden brother won't commit to anything. Any time I ask him for anything - if he wants to come for Christmas, if we can visit him, etc. - he just leaves me hanging. He's seemingly incapable of giving me a response until it's nearly too late. His wife is the same way.

So, "grandparents and special friends day" is coming up very soon now and my mother just emailed me to say that she's really sad that she isn't coming. I took that as she'd like to come. I felt sad, too, mostly for my dd who will again be alone on this day. Last year, all the other kids had grandparents with them. So I bit the bait and offered to buy my mom a ticket to come visit us, as it's been a long time…and it's Mother's Day, too. I thought it'd be nice for us to be together. She refused to accept my offer but called later to tell me that she'd bought herself a ticket (a much more expensive ticket, she let me know, so expensive it's a burden) and then she asked if other parents "had to fly out" for this school event, or was she the only one? She went on to say how very difficult this is for her because she really needs to be with her cat who "has been pretty standoffish lately and keeps looking at her like: you're not leaving me, are you?" She said she wouldn't stay with us for Mother's Day because she has to get home to spend time with the cat who has an appointment to get his teeth cleaned and that's really stressful for them both - she needs to be there to give him support. . So I told her not to come (in a tactful way). And she quickly agreed.

I was really hurt - in a way I haven't felt about her in a while. I recognize that it's the same feeling I had when she would choose my golden brother over me - giving me the silent treatment while she lavished him with love and attention, gifts, etc. I was in tears after I got off the phone with her but I know better than to expect more from her. It's just painful that now she's choosing a CAT over my dd (who in past years, my mother spoiled and praised to the sky).

Anyway, I'm also feeling really angry that I still haven't heard from my brother. This event is in a few days now and my dd keeps asking if anyone can go with her. It kills me that we don't have family we can depend on for this kind of thing. (Sometimes my brother comes through.) I asked him a month ago about this and I've checked in a few times. Yesterday, I left him another message wondering if he'd cleared his schedule or whatnot. Haven't heard. I give up.

We've asked my dd's teacher if my dh can go instead of another relative and that will work. My question is: I don't know how to handle my brother. Do I say anything? I feel like maybe I'm asking too much of him since we don't have any other relatives around. In truth, I ask very little of him. But, it's more than I ask of anyone else. If I do say something, what would I say? I'm pretty weak when it comes to things like this. I don't trust people and my usual pattern is, if they hurt me I let it go and just avoid them from then on. My brother does this to me all the time. (I also just asked if he could babysit my dd one night next week and he still hasn't given me an answer, of course. Again, I've followed up with him a couple times to find out, and now it's going to be too late for me to find another sitter.)

I'm wondering if someone can help me see what I'm not seeing? Where are the boundaries here? I'm not good with boundaries as we didn't have any growing up - I usually just keep my distance in order to protect myself. And that's what I'd do in this situation, too: just let it go and not say anything to him. But I feel hurt and disrespected and maybe I should say something? And maybe I'm asking too much and he's sick of it… in which case I want to know.

But the fact of the matter is, as the other child (meaning, not the golden child), I was never supposed to ask for anything. So I'm not used to it. And there's a pattern here - they don't hear me. And, frankly, I'm sick of it. Especially, as now it's my sweet dd who is being hurt!  

What do I do? Would love your feedback. Thanks!

 

[HappyChappy]

You're right to be frustrated. Mind you - when I read the bit about the Cat, it was like reading a comedy. Short answer with your bro, is it's perfectly acceptable to ask him and to push for commitment. It's not unreasonable, and I would be flattered if my sister asked me. As a sales rep once told me, you know when you've pushed too hard, because they'll tell you to f*** off.

I don't know your brother, but isn't the golden child use to the scapegoat doing all the work?

If he keeps it vague until the end - isn't that a bit Narky ? Can you force his hand, by saying you've already booked him in - done deal ? Better still, if he doesn't come, tell him the Cat gets it !

In terms of boundaries, if you expect your bro to treat you the way you treat him, that's fair. Asking for an equal relationship, is reasonable. If you always go to your GC (metaphorically) maybe he assumes he doesn't need to come to you ? Only you know if he would expect the same of you.

Personally, I'd go with taking the cat ransom unless a relative turns up.

[tine2]

Thanks, HappyChappy. I'd agree the cat-bit is totally comical - if it didn't drive me completely crazy! I have cat stories you wouldn't believe. My uBPD mom is nuts for this cat. She's had it for about a year (we weren't allowed pets growing up because they were so dirty and germ-y and disgusting - her words then) and, in that time, she has projected all of her craziness onto the cat. She spoon feeds it, makes it sleep with her at night, puts it down for naps like a baby, etc. etc. She smothers that cat so much that I'm just waiting for it to run away someday.

Anyway, thanks for saying you'd be flattered to be asked. That's sweet and makes me feel better; I'd been thinking I'd asked too much. I think I need to say something to my brother. Otherwise, I just end up feeling pathetic, like he doesn't think enough of me to give me any kind of response. I'm tired of being ignored. That's how it feels to me. And yes, he does expect me to do all of the work. And maybe he's just totally used to the dynamic.

[BreatheDeep]

You are not bothering anyone for asking. He is an adult and can say "no thank you". It is such a special thing too, to be his niece's special person!

If there is anyone else that can be the special person, I would seal the deal and go with him or her and tell golden boy, sorry he missed out, you thought he didn't want to because he kept putting you off.

Is there a lady in the neighborhood? Retired teacher or nurse who would understand the importance to a 7 year old?

Anyway, IMO you have not asked too much of anyone, in fact you have offered your mom and brother a gift.

I hope that cat coughs up a hairball on your moms nice bed sheets! .  You probably already know this but you and your daughter are a million times more important than that cat. (and I'm a cat lover!)

[tine2]

Thanks BreatheDeep! I appreciate your kind words.

[veronica lodge]

You are not asking for too much at all, it's only common courtesy for your brother to respond in a timely manner, my brother in law (who is also the golden child) does exactly the same to my husband and I, never commits to anything and never gives us a straight answer, to him it's a power and control thing, he feels like he has something over us and likes us to squirm.  I wonder if your brother is actually waiting for you to react?  Do you think he is deliberately pushing your buttons?  I am thinking this way because that is how my in laws work.  They are game players.  I wonder if you say something to your brother whether he will even bother to acknowledge your thoughts or to respond (if you text or leave a message again)?  Also, I have learned that the golden child abuses the scapegoat as much as the BPD mother because in order for them to function in their roles, they need to keep you where you are.  I wonder whether you are best to just leave it and lower your expectations of them in order to protect yourself (which I think ist what you have been doing anyway) but I know when it comes to children it's a bit harder as you don't want to hurt them as well and let them go through the same hardships that we go through.  Hang in there, you are not alone.  These people are crazy making people and we need to stay grounded and accept it for what it is.  I don't think they will ever change. 

[tine2]

Veronica Lodge,

Thanks for the validation! I've always felt this about my brother (and his wife) but then I doubt myself. I'm 40 now, and for the past two decades I've told myself that my brother and I have a good relationship, and for the most part we do. But when we were growing up he was my uBPD mom's right hand man and carried out all sorts of crazy for her - yelling at me, teasing and taunting me, humiliating me, etc. All the while protecting my mom when she was being crazy and hurtful (ignoring her abuse, etc.). So I have a hard time trusting him. And when he doesn't respond to me in a timely fashion, it brings all that back to me. It makes sense that this is part of the game, and a control thing, maybe something he's not even consciously aware of. He's the golden boy and has been let off the hook his whole life. He and his wife (who is an only child) don't have kids, so they don't understand.

You're right. I think I will drop it and lower my expectations of them. For my own sanity. It's probably not worth talking to him about how it hurts my feelings because he might fly off the handle (something he used to do when I'd call him on his behavior) and I don't need that stress.

Thanks again!

[veronica lodge]

If you have the time, look up "malignant narcissist mother" and the term "triangulation" and also the term "flying monkeys".  The flying monkeys always look out for the "witch" and abuse her victims on her behalf.  You will be amazed at what you will find.  You may even pick which role you play.  My husband and I are usually the scapegoats but we don't have low self esteem or any of the stigma that sticks to the scapegoat, but they always try and place us in that role.  Happy reading.  My husband and I are 40 too, amazing that we are all going through the same thing.