I think I want to be used for sex by him

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

F*ck! I should have never got sexual with him... I should have left it at friendship.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I just had an ephiphany... . I think I want to be used for sex by him... And men in general (unconsciously of course) our sex is really kinky sometimes and intense... .

I think I feel like that is all I am good for... And he

Reinforces it by not wanting to be with me...

But having a high sexual attraction towards me.

I dont want to live life this way.

[Perdita]

I think I feel like that is all I am good for... And he

Reinforces it by not wanting to be with me...

But having a high sexual attraction towards me.

I dont want to live life this way.

Then you have some very tough decisions to make about this.  You will have to decide if you are staying or leaving.

[rougeetnoir]

I just had an ephiphany... . I think I want to be used for sex by him... And men in general (unconsciously of course) our sex is really kinky sometimes and intense... .

I think I feel like that is all I am good for... And he

Reinforces it by not wanting to be with me...

But having a high sexual attraction towards me.

I dont want to live life this way.

This is an important realization, one that you didn't have before... .   You should be proud of it. The question is: If you don't want to live this way, what are you going to do about it?   If you don't want to live this way, why do you feel that sex is all you are good for?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I just had an ephiphany... . I think I want to be used for sex by him... And men in general (unconsciously of course) our sex is really kinky sometimes and intense... .

I think I feel like that is all I am good for... And he

Reinforces it by not wanting to be with me...

But having a high sexual attraction towards me.

I dont want to live life this way.

This is an important realization, one that you didn't have before... .  You should be proud of it. The question is: If you don't want to live this way, what are you going to do about it?   If you don't want to live this way, why do you feel that sex is all you are good for?

My step dad was very perverted and inappropriate. My family inly comolimented me in my looks.

My life is very disordered ( I may not have BPD... But im avoidant and depressive)

I feel my deep depression and avoidanf issues have held me back in life by qyite a bit and that I have nothing to offer.

I just feel worthless.

I dont jnow what im going to do about it but I feel like im reliving my dad right now and I feel angry (rare for me) he is doing this to me. I know its partially projection bc im just realizing this stuff...

But how could he? Just use me for sex? Wth?

And I give it to him! However he wants!

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Someone asked if im in therapy up there... . I am... But its edmr... We arent really talking about him at all.

[cosmonaut]

EMDR is fantastic for dealing with and overcoming trauma.  It sounds like that may be a good fit to keep doing that.  Is there a way you could also do some CBT to work on some of the underlying thoughts and beliefs behind these behaviors too?  Many of them are probably deeply ingrained and automatic having been learned in childhood.

I'm so sorry that on top of this BPD relationship you have had all of these other issues brought to the surface to deal with now too.  The silver lining is that now you have the opportunity to overcome these issues too.  Childhood sexual abuse (in any form) is profoundly damaging to the child.  It is a vile and evil thing your stepfather did.  I'm really glad that you are in therapy and working on overcoming this.  I'm so proud of you!  Truly, you are awesome!  That takes such guts!      

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I did cbt for 2 years before this! But I messed around alot afraid to reveal things.

Im joining a therapy group for relationships called chains of love soon...

Im hoping that helps.

in thereapy im really just focusing on the avoidant stuff

Bc its on the severe side. I feel lile when im doing better with

Functioning everything else will fall into place.

[rougeetnoir]

I'm sorry to hear about everything that is going on in your life.  Hopefully, the therapy will keep helping.  I'm sorry to hear about your pain.  I'm glad to hear you are going to therapy.

Don't be angry with yourself-- easier said than done I know-- but focus on making today better than yesterday.

[Infared]

Thanks infared... . He has some girl all over him on fb right now...

She doesnr live in this state... . but still...

Im sure im a thing of the past already

And im really hurt since we just had sex

I feel so down right now... . I feel so hurt.

I wish he would have been honest when I saw him...

Not just take what he could.

It doesnt feel good at all.

HurtBeyondRepair

I understand how great your need is and how much heart and emotion you have invested... .

We all know here... . I needed my support group to constantly tell me "focus on you". I really had trouble sorting that out. I kept focusing on the pwBPD ... . (which is our part in this that we need to work on), that would get me no where... . HurtBeyondRepair, it is very, very painful to turn away from that connection... . But the sooner you can steer you energy away the sooner you can start to heal and love you. It really is soo much harder to accept than a death, because the person is still there, but truly they are not.  It is a twisted reality, but with hard work you can heal!  It is a process and it takes time. Getting serious about NC is difficult but also fulfilling when enacted.  This big life stuff... . use ALL the resources here. You can do this.

[Skip]

I just had an ephiphany... . I think I want to be used for sex by him... And men in general (unconsciously of course) our sex is really kinky sometimes and intense... .

I think I feel like that is all I am good for... And he

Reinforces it by not wanting to be with me...

But having a high sexual attraction towards me.

I dont want to live life this way... .

My life is very disordered ( I may not have BPD... But im avoidant and depressive)

I feel my deep depression and avoidanf issues have held me back in life by qyite a bit and that I have nothing to offer.

I just feel worthless.

I dont know what im going to do about it but I feel like im reliving my dad right now and I feel angry (rare for me) he is doing this to me. I know its partially projection bc im just realizing this stuff...

But how could he? Just use me for sex? Wth?

And I give it to him! However he wants!

Are you possibly equating the sex to love?  Hard question, I know.  It will take time to answer.  Be patient.

Your posting is filled with very high anxiety - very distressed - do you have a prescribing therapist and are you taking any anti-anxiety meds now?  

I think this may help you today.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

so I'm leaving. Deactivated FB accounts... no more.

Here's the dilemma and yet another epiphany I so desperately do not want to face:

A true relationship scares me/bores me even.

I like the high sex appeal/chemistry of these dysfunctional relationships.

The thought of settling down into a healthy relationship seems... so... boring.

So obviously... I have some serious issues... which makes since why I have so many

BPD friends... and lovers. However, I am not BPD.

I'm not getting younger... I cannot live this way forever... what I have discovered is

BPD's usually get infatuated with me through my beauty... . so the sex goes hand in hand

with what they want too.

I don't want to live this way forever.

Does anyone else feel this way too? Bored with the normal ... day to day

relationship life... Does anyone else crave the sexual excitement... that is

so pervasive with BPD's.

The problem is the relationship are so short... rip your heart out... and they just

don't work. They are based in fantasy not reality. I am a fantasy addict...

and so is he. I have a dissociative issue that started as a child. I used fantasy

and that is pretty pervasive through my relationships as well...

I feel like my brain is fix... (even with therapy) and I am doomed.

It seriously makes me want to take my life. It's so stressful... and I'm sick

of living in this fantasy hell.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Yes... I think I equate sex to love ... . very much so.

but at the same time I like being used in that way...

It's very complicated and confusing.

I don't want anti-depressants... and my therapist will

not recommend anti-anxiety for me...

[Skip]

Have you tried the personailty test?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128254.0

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

------------------------ Paranoid Schizoid Schizotypal Antisocial Borderline Histrionic Narcissistic Avoidant Dependent Obsessive-Compulsive

-------------------- |||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||

----- 73% 48% 60% 58% 72% 68% 48% 84% 77% 31%

[rollercoaster24]

Dear Hurtbeyondrepair27

Do you have a close (trusted) female friend or family member that you can get lots of hugs off?

Trust me, this will make you feel heaps better than any of these relationships will, (even the sex).

I may not be you, but I do know where you are coming from, was there once too, and also VERY sexually addicted to my exBP.

Please try that instead, and if not, take care of YOU.

Sincerely

Roller

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Dear Hurtbeyondrepair27

Do you have a close (trusted) female friend or family member that you can get lots of hugs off?

Trust me, this will make you feel heaps better than any of these relationships will, (even the sex).

I may not be you, but I do know where you are coming from, was there once too, and also VERY sexually addicted to my exBP.

Please try that instead, and if not, take care of YOU.

Sincerely

Roller

I am not touchy feely with friends, it's incredibly bizarre simply because in a relationship I totally am!

I asked for a hug from a fellow "non huggy" friend for mothers day! Ha!

I just think I'm addicted to sex... but I despise casual sex... There are many complex reasons

as to why I'm addicted to him wrapped up in screwedupness.

Annoying. Normalcy please.

[Split black]

so I'm leaving. Deactivated FB accounts... no more.

Here's the dilemma and yet another epiphany I so desperately do not want to face:

A true relationship scares me/bores me even.

I like the high sex appeal/chemistry of these dysfunctional relationships.

The thought of settling down into a healthy relationship seems... so... boring.

So obviously... I have some serious issues... which makes since why I have so many

BPD friends... and lovers. However, I am not BPD.

I'm not getting younger... I cannot live this way forever... what I have discovered is

BPD's usually get infatuated with me through my beauty... . so the sex goes hand in hand

with what they want too.

I don't want to live this way forever.

Does anyone else feel this way too? Bored with the normal ... day to day

relationship life... Does anyone else crave the sexual excitement... that is

so pervasive with BPD's.

The problem is the relationship are so short... rip your heart out... and they just

don't work. They are based in fantasy not reality. I am a fantasy addict...

and so is he. I have a dissociative issue that started as a child. I used fantasy

and that is pretty pervasive through my relationships as well...

I feel like my brain is fix... (even with therapy) and I am doomed.

It seriously makes me want to take my life. It's so stressful... and I'm sick

of living in this fantasy hell.

I want to thank you for posting this, very brave... .   I can totally completely relate. It hasn't been this way for me my entire life but it has been the past few years. And Im not getting any younger... . and I dont want to end up in a relationship that has no core. But Im afraid of just going thru the motions... and being bored to death. I wish I didnt know the difference.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

so I'm leaving. Deactivated FB accounts... no more.

Here's the dilemma and yet another epiphany I so desperately do not want to face:

A true relationship scares me/bores me even.

I like the high sex appeal/chemistry of these dysfunctional relationships.

The thought of settling down into a healthy relationship seems... so... boring.

So obviously... I have some serious issues... which makes since why I have so many

BPD friends... and lovers. However, I am not BPD.

I'm not getting younger... I cannot live this way forever... what I have discovered is

BPD's usually get infatuated with me through my beauty... . so the sex goes hand in hand

with what they want too.

I don't want to live this way forever.

Does anyone else feel this way too? Bored with the normal ... day to day

relationship life... Does anyone else crave the sexual excitement... that is

so pervasive with BPD's.

The problem is the relationship are so short... rip your heart out... and they just

don't work. They are based in fantasy not reality. I am a fantasy addict...

and so is he. I have a dissociative issue that started as a child. I used fantasy

and that is pretty pervasive through my relationships as well...

I feel like my brain is fix... (even with therapy) and I am doomed.

It seriously makes me want to take my life. It's so stressful... and I'm sick

of living in this fantasy hell.

I want to thank you for posting this, very brave... .   I can totally completely relate. It hasn't been this way for me my entire life but it has been the past few years. And Im not getting any younger... . and I dont want to end up in a relationship that has no core. But Im afraid of just going thru the motions... and being bored to death. I wish I didnt know the difference.

Exactly... it's hard to admit. But it's the brutal truth. I watch married couples with their kids... and their life just looks so boring.

I know it's supposed to be fulfilling and what not... but it just looks monotonous and boring.

[happylogist]

Does anyone else feel this way too? Bored with the normal ... day to day

relationship life... Does anyone else crave the sexual excitement... that is

so pervasive with BPD's.

I had issues, but recently (it took a whole year of push-pull and hurt) that I realized that it is not about relationship, sex or love, but it is about me. I was bored with myself and I often felt detached from myself when alone. So I would create all those fantasies, basically live in them, from teenager years. I considered myself a love and sex addict.

But the problem is my self-worth was defined by others. Whenever I was getting self-validation of being loved the relationship was turning "boring" or something "missing" or "someday he would leave me".  Whereas the constant push-n-pull was keeping me alive, I tried to prove that I am lovable. I got the feeling of being loved when he (and some other exes) were either drunk or wanting me sexually. That was the high of the relationship that I was addicted to.

As cliche as it sounds the key for me was to love myself. I know people say it everywhere, I felt that I liked myself, I was OK with me, I did not consider myself ugly or stupid, but still apparently I did not love myself. It took me almost 30 years to realize how much I defined my self-worth from those relationships, and since I was not loving myself I needed a no-win struggle with someone else to prove that I am lovable. Rinse/repeat and find another... .

Now I love spending time with myself, enjoying my own company and being more sensitive to what I feel, being vulnerable and loving. Relationship also improves, I do not need drama. Just recently I smiled and laughed during sex from pleasure, which was odd for me. I was feeling more "me" than being in a way objectified.

Good luck to you!

[Skip]

Very good post happylogist.

Hurtbeyondrepair27, this is personal inventory, so lets look at you.  

You have expressed aspirations for an unhealthy lifestyle.  You seem to want the benefits of an unhealthy lifestyle without the problems associated with it.

We had a member, years ago, that aspired for a happy marriage, but only dated strippers.  We have had members want stability but did not want to give up their addiction.  We've had members try to find true love in affairs.

Does it ever work, long term, when we want the benefits of an unhealthy lifestyle without the problems associated with it?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

No it doesn't so I'm sick of it...

Plus it's a double edged sword for me... . I end up falling for people that are

more infatuated with me because of my looks. If they are BPD they confuse it

for genuine feelings... then eventually the "shallow" core of the relationship follows through.

I know my ex loved my personality too... but he wasn't in love with me. I believe I was more

of a conquest for him. Simply b/c he slept with me... but professes a deep longing for a

co-worker on FB.

Obviously these relationships are not sustainable. Plus... it eventually erodes my

self esteem, because I assume if the person doesn't want me anymore it's b/c I'm not

attractive to them... . or never was.

I know it is based on the relationship I had with my father... . It's very disturbing

and sad.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Does anyone else feel this way too? Bored with the normal ... day to day

relationship life... Does anyone else crave the sexual excitement... that is

so pervasive with BPD's.

I had issues, but recently (it took a whole year of push-pull and hurt) that I realized that it is not about relationship, sex or love, but it is about me. I was bored with myself and I often felt detached from myself when alone. So I would create all those fantasies, basically live in them, from teenager years. I considered myself a love and sex addict.

But the problem is my self-worth was defined by others. Whenever I was getting self-validation of being loved the relationship was turning "boring" or something "missing" or "someday he would leave me".  Whereas the constant push-n-pull was keeping me alive, I tried to prove that I am lovable. I got the feeling of being loved when he (and some other exes) were either drunk or wanting me sexually. That was the high of the relationship that I was addicted to.

As cliche as it sounds the key for me was to love myself. I know people say it everywhere, I felt that I liked myself, I was OK with me, I did not consider myself ugly or stupid, but still apparently I did not love myself. It took me almost 30 years to realize how much I defined my self-worth from those relationships, and since I was not loving myself I needed a no-win struggle with someone else to prove that I am lovable. Rinse/repeat and find another... .

Now I love spending time with myself, enjoying my own company and being more sensitive to what I feel, being vulnerable and loving. Relationship also improves, I do not need drama. Just recently I smiled and laughed during sex from pleasure, which was odd for me. I was feeling more "me" than being in a way objectified.

Good luck to you!

I hope I get here. Loving oneself is so hard!

[Split black]

My T said that everything is going to be boring because Im like a soldier that came back from 5 tours of duty, and everything is vibrating from the intensity, stress and adrenaline of this past year with my ex psycho. I need to try normal again.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Or find people who are sexually open/high sex dtive and adventurous without

The crazy! I know,it exists!

[Split black]

Or find people who are sexually open/high sex dtive and adventurous without

The crazy! I know,it exists!

It does? ... . hmmm... .   lmao.  Is this a dating site?   

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Or find people who are sexually open/high sex dtive and adventurous without

The crazy! I know,it exists!

It does? ... . hmmm... .   lmao.  Is this a dating site?   

I feel like that's me so there must be others!  

[Split black]

Or find people who are sexually open/high sex dtive and adventurous without

The crazy! I know,it exists!

It does? ... . hmmm... .   lmao.  Is this a dating site?   

I feel like that's me so there must be others!  

Yes there are... .    

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Or maybe im just like that bc I am not ready for settled

Down im not sure.

Im 27... So I meed to prepare myself for that...

Again scared of boredom and lack of sex... .

Thpse should npt be at the top of my lost but sadly they are.

I need lots of sex I swear im like a dude.

For women what keeps them is the emotional stuff...

Its always the sex for me. Pretty sure

Im just grossly confusing the two.

[Split black]

Or maybe im just like that bc I am not ready for settled

Down im not sure.

Im 27... So I meed to prepare myself for that...

Again scared of boredom and lack of sex... .

Thpse should npt be at the top of my lost but sadly they are.

I need lots of sex I swear im like a dude.

For women what keeps them is the emotional stuff...

Its always the sex for me. Pretty sure

Im just grossly confusing the two.

Ive always found sex with some intimacy as opposed to a mechanical session was more rewarding for both... . having said that there is a time and place for everything