What can I do to help a child with BPD/NPD parents?

[Jonie]

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[AsianSon]

Hi Jonie,

Thank you for sharing your situation, and I admire your concern for your partner and his daughters.  I feel very apprehensive for the two girls and wish there was someway for them to avoid the BPD effects. 

I came across this thread  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68021.0   and thought of your post. 

About half way down, co-author Kim Roth has the following:

"salt wrote:

I am a stepmother of a child whose mother has BPD characteristics.  Is there anything in the book that might help those of us who love a child experiencing this now?  At what age would reading your book be appropriate for a young adult?"

"Hi salt,

There's a lot in the book that might help you and your partner, and others in similar situations. I'd especially recommend the first section of the book, The Past, which talks about BPD and how BPD in a parent can affect a child. The second section, The Present, would be my next recommendation because it focuses on the effects and overcoming them (e.g. anger, guilt).

Your question about age-appropriateness is a good one, and to be honest, it depends on a few things, including the child's maturity level and reading/comprehension level. A 12-year-old, for example, might be able to "read" the book easily, but understanding the concepts and applying them might be a different story. I guess I'd say to take a look at the book yourself and consider your stepchild's capacity. The other issue is that not all young adults are ready to hear that a parent they love has a mental illness, and you might run into some loyalty issues, among others, if you suggest s/he read the book. If it were me, I'd read the book myself, share it with my partner, and then slowly and gently introduce some of the ideas in the book--most importantly the coping tools and techniques in the second and third (The Future) sections--to the child through conversation. I hope that answers your questions. Good luck."   


I don't know if the book is right for your needs, but maybe the feedback about communicating with the child will be helpful.

Wishing strength and luck to you and the girls,

A

[Jonie]

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[Calm Waters]

I grew up in this situation and the only thing that saved my mental health was my older brother who was a safe haven despite him being traumatised, he was like another father, and a close godfather, my fathers best friend who was like another father figure. I was lucky in that I was always able to talk to someone about the situation even though somehow it felt normal! looking back it was crazy, my mother was suicidal and my dad was indifferent. be careful how you proceed as blood is thicker than water, sound like the kids may need proffessional counselling, i have been for the last 25 years now 56 its has helped but wasnt available to me in the 60s even if anyone had known what was wrong. It is highly possible thechildren will develop traits of npd BPD - good luck

[Jonie]

I'm so sorry to read about your childhood. It's stories like yours that make me so worried about these children. I can see how they are in an abusive situation and feel unable to do anything about it. I'm glad you had someone to lean on - I guess that must have made a huge difference.

[Calm Waters]

i acted out big time as a child but no one saw the cry for help, stealing, bullying, sexualised behaviour, I was seen as a troubled kid but went on to get my degree and develop a career in local government. However despite my best efforts my kids have BPD traits that i am now dealing with, its goes on one generation to the next. You need someone familiar with these issues to help them, its complex

[Jonie]

indeed, these kind of problems go from one generation to the next... . At least you as a parent are aware of the situation and of it's complexity - that's a huge step forward for your children

[AsianSon]

Hi Jonie,

The girls are fortunate to have you and the other family friends who "know" in their lives.  Perhaps you and the friends can provide a perspective, or view, of options other than those offered by the BPD/NPD parents.  In addition to that, I'm unsure what else the girls can do at their current age. 

It's complicated... . from my point of view, my partner, his ex-wife and the children keep each other entangled in a poisonous web: the mother wants control over her ex-partners life, out of spite - the father complies to all her wishes, out of fear of losing the children - and the children are walking on eggshells for both parents. This does create a balance, i.e. a stable situation - which he perceives as harmony. The parents both get want they want: she wants control - he wants peace of mind. And the children suffer.

To a large extent, the above describes my childhood as well.  My BPDm always needed/demanded control and my father (possibly NPD) gave in--even at the expense of the children.  He definitely viewed "stability" as harmony. 

AsianSon, did you grow up in a situation with these kind of issues? Was there anyone you could share your experiences with at the time? Or was it only later on in life that you realised your situation? Would it have been helpful if someone had made you aware of it, or would it have been threatening?

 

Unfortunately, none of my siblings or others truly recognized the problem at the time.  Instead, there were many instances of other adults (relatives and family friends) who viewed my BPDm as just having a bad temper and that the rest of us needed to adjust.  Maybe they did not want to get involved (and/or BPD wasn't as known or recognized then), which is why I think the two girls in your life are lucky to have you and your willingness to help. 

I only came to the BPD realization over the past 2-3 years and it has been tough.  I don't know that earlier awareness would have helped because even realization as an older person (with my own family and kids) has been hard.  In my late teens, I was just aching to get away and be independent, to grow and form my own identity.  Maybe this is an option--letting the girls know that there are views and paths (and behaviors) for their development beyond that of their parents. 

I had the fortune of an elderly caretaker until I was about 11 or 12.  She was completely different from my parents, and although she could only counsel acceptance of my parents' decisions.  I now think she affected me positively and was an example of other options (even if no one knew it then). 

You have the benefits of knowledge (about PDs) and independence from your bf or his ex. 

Perhaps some of the above is helpful. 

A

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Jonie - it is a really good thing that you have done your research and want to help. There is more than the usual family imbalances that are caused by BPD/NPD behaviour when there are melded or stepfamilies involved. i am certainly no expert but I did think this: as a child I didn't meet or speak to a single creature who ever pointed out that my mother's behaviour was not acceptable. (A school librarian did once ask me if my parents were beating me when she saw bruises on my arm but I told her those were from my brother so she said "Oh well, that's all right then" but that was the only external notice I got regarding my home situation.)

Were I to wish back to that time to have someone who wanted to have input like you, I would wish to know that. That it is not acceptable. that it was not my fault. That I was ok. That other people don't behave this way. it's not me, it's her. That someone would have told me that no matter what you do you don't deserve to be abused. That there is a difference between discipline (which literally means 'to teach' and punishment. That no kid no matter how naughty they have been should be subject to emotional, mental or physical abuse. that someone somewhere loved me and would always be willing to listen no matter how crazy I sounded.

Possibly even to be taught some management? Like 'When your mum is screaming at you, she isn't actually seeing you - she is screaming because she is in pain from something else' may have helped.

In the end the main thing is to establish some safe place of 'normality' where boundaries are observed consistently. This provides a 'measure' or 'ruler' against which the crazy-making behaviour can be measured.

best of luck in your endeavour!

[BabeRuthless]

Hi, Jonie. I think AsianSon's reply is on target... . great suggestions there.

As the terrified, trapped, silent, and "sweet and obedient" prisoner of a BPD caregiver as a child 8-12 years old, I would have given anything to have an observant, healthy, gentle, caring adult who provided an ear and some support. Someone who, without attacking or vilifying my caregiver, asked if I was hanging in, or appropriately observed that things seemed tough. I felt deep guilt and loyalty conflicts when I thought about telling anyone that my grandmother -- with whom I lived after my parents divorced and left me -- was hurting me, that I was petrified, and that I was emotionally drowning. After all, she was feeding and housing me when my parents didn't. 

Looking back on my divorced parents now, and the pain of being pulled in so many directions with them and their (multiple) subsequent partners, I feel tremendous sadness, confusion and even rage. It seems as though adults were "asking" me to be grateful and obedient and "happy" and okay no matter what kind of choices they made about their own relationships... . that I should be able to adjust and be positive and "cheerful" toward anyone they chose to be with (and the children of anyone they chose to be with).

As I got to be an adult, my mother wanted me to regard her current spouse as my "dad," and my father wanted me to think of his new beloved wife as a substitute mother.  While I feel affection for my step-parents as people and appreciate all the love and friendship opportunities that come my way, I also feel deep resentment that I was expected to "have" so many different mothers and fathers, and treat them all as such. 

What I wanted most of all was a loving, caring, trustworthy adult FRIEND whose own emotional needs -- including the wish or need to act as a substitute parent -- were not my responsibility. I was desperate to have my own emotional needs seen and met, rather than be expected to meet the emotional needs and "role wants" of the adults around me. Someone who could give to me without asking for something (attachment, loyalty, gratitude, admiration) back. I wanted my parents' subsequent partners to like and even love me, but not to force on me their notion of the nature of our bond (parent/child or friend/friend).

Again, I appreciate and welcome relational opportunities to love more and love better "the second time around" in a romantic or any other kind of situation. I want closeness and healthy intimacy. Simultaneously, though, a multiplicity of parent-type figures can be confusing and distressing. I think this uncomfortable reality is underplayed today with the frequency of divorce and remarriage.

You sound like a caring, loving person that the girls you mention are lucky to have in their lives. Hope this feedback helps a little.

       

[Jonie]

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