If He'd Any Conscience at All...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He wouldn't have cheated.

He wouldn't have let me put him through construction school to get his license, knowing that he was cheating and was about to leave.

He wouldn't have let me form this company with him, and sink the last of my savings into it for 'us'.

He wouldn't still be lying about what he does in his spare time.

I am angry.  I am furious.  Finally.  I am sitting here with this anger, and I am processing it in the best way that I can.  This is a part of healing, and this is my lesson.  But boy, does it ever hurt this morning.  It hurts more than yesterday, more than last week, and waaaay more than last month.

I can't wait until it begins to hurt less.  I know that I'll get there, but right now, today, it doesn't feel like it.

[1KitKat]

He wouldn't have cheated.

He wouldn't have let me put him through construction school to get his license, knowing that he was cheating and was about to leave.

He wouldn't have let me form this company with him, and sink the last of my savings into it for 'us'.

He wouldn't still be lying about what he does in his spare time.

I am angry.  I am furious.  Finally.  I am sitting here with this anger, and I am processing it in the best way that I can.  This is a part of healing, and this is my lesson.  But boy, does it ever hurt this morning.  It hurts more than yesterday, more than last week, and waaaay more than last month.

I can't wait until it begins to hurt less.  I know that I'll get there, but right now, today, it doesn't feel like it.

[Yogeek]

I'm sorry you're hurting. It's all part of the process but I'm sure that's little consolation to you right now.

Sharing your anger is very brave. Personally, I have a lot of trouble being comfortable with feeling my own anger. To see others use anger as a tool to further their recover is very inspiring. Thanks so much for posting this. Please keep sharing your progress!

[going places]

He wouldn't have cheated.

He wouldn't have let me put him through construction school to get his license, knowing that he was cheating and was about to leave.

He wouldn't have let me form this company with him, and sink the last of my savings into it for 'us'.

He wouldn't still be lying about what he does in his spare time.

For my situation?

My stbexh HAS NO CONSCIENCE. He is text book anti-social.

He took whatever he wanted (affair, porn, I put him thru school for a year and worked full time with a 1 and 2 year old). His 'need to have toys' (motorcycles, guns, etc) ran the CC's up to the sky, keeping me working 2 sometimes 3 jobs to pay then down / off, only to be ran back up again.

And the lies, Lord have mercy, the lies and deception is the thread that holds that man together.

No, there is no conscience.

It is seared.

I am angry.  I am furious.  Finally.  I am sitting here with this anger, and I am processing it in the best way that I can.  This is a part of healing, and this is my lesson.  But boy, does it ever hurt this morning.  It hurts more than yesterday, more than last week, and waaaay more than last month.

I can't wait until it begins to hurt less.  I know that I'll get there, but right now, today, it doesn't feel like it.

In time you will.

I was SUPER wizzed off at myself.

"How could you be so: Stupid, blind, Foolish, Gullible, Ignorant, Trusting... . "

I was harder on myself than him.

Now?

NONE of the crap was my fault or my doing.

Those were HIS choices, ones HE will have to give an account for.

That 'part' of the process... . was the worst for me.

Because I was SO hard on myself.

Moving forward?

I just keep my eyes open for behavior ques from people I work and interact with, and when the red flags go up? I adjust myself accordingly.

I am so sorry for the pain you are going thru... . it sucks like a Charm.

Just know, there is light at the end and it is NOT a train!

Praying for you now.

[heartandwhole]

Hi 1KitKat,

It's great that you are aware of your feelings, but now drowning in them.  Anger is a tough one for many of us, so I'm glad you are sharing with us.  We need good examples of people dealing with anger– at least I do.  

Anger has a lot of energy associate with it, and using that "fuel" to pursue something positive for yourself is a great way to channel it constructively.  :)o you have any goals or things that you have wanted to do that could benefit from this energy?  

Exercising and dancing were other expressions that helped me let it out.

[1KitKat]

I quit working out.  I quit doing the company paperwork.  I am a hermit.  I come to life at 3:30 pm every week day when my son gets home from school.  He can't see this side of me.

I HATE this man.  I have never hated anyone in my life, and I feel like I am going to get struck by lightening just by writing these words.  He arranged things so that I would HATE him, I think.  His way of maybe helping me, in a twisted sense... .   not sure.

Right now my energy is centered on my anger.  It's the only thing I can think of to do to get over it more quickly.  This has gotta go!  I am not a hater!  Need to shed it asap. 

[going places]

When I was in the anger / hate / rage-stage... . I purged this house like a boss.

Cleaned things that I didn't even know existed.

Packed boxes like it was my job.

Did yard work until I was simply exhausted.

When I was at work, I cleaned there like a fiend.

Use this 'energy' to do good things.

Do not repay evil with evil... . repay evil with good.

Get good things done with this energy!

[1KitKat]

I recognize that, but I feel as if I need to sit with this anger for a bit.  I'm not planning anything evil against him; I could never do that to another human no matter what they did or how they acted.  It simply is not me. 

I am going to purge the house of the rest of his things, though.  He keeps telling me that he's coming to get stuff; meanwhile... .   it's still here and has been for months.  Today it's raining and his stuff is going in the driveway.  Enough.

[seeking balance]

I recognize that, but I feel as if I need to sit with this anger for a bit.  I'm not planning anything evil against him; I could never do that to another human no matter what they did or how they acted.  It simply is not me. 

I am going to purge the house of the rest of his things, though.  He keeps telling me that he's coming to get stuff; meanwhile... .   it's still here and has been for months.  Today it's raining and his stuff is going in the driveway.  Enough.

Anger is a useful emotion for giving us the fuel to move on... . it is good to sit with it, lean into it so you can move through it rather than stuff it down.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

These are all good signs Kat... I wish I could have a fraction of that

anger towards my ex... it would make it easier for me to get over him...

I feel... instead of feeling empathy and sadness for HIM all the time.

Screw that. Can't wait for more anger.

[1KitKat]

Go, sister.

Get the tennis racket and an old pillow out.  Helps.

[myself]

I'm usually an open person, good with expressing feelings, but when the anger was coming out from the fallout of this r/s, I found I had closed off some very deep pieces of myself. I thought it made me a bad person to get worked up like that, and release it, because the people in my life who had been bad with me had used theirs against me. It hurt! But my frustrations and pains were legit, my disappointments too, and it helped me see the bigger picture to relax enough to let it go (still working on it). Anger for specific things she said and did, and for the often vague reasons it does not work for she and I to be together. That my efforts weren't enough, and in some ways made it worse. Upset with myself for being stuck. These feelings mean just as much as the good ones, it's about finding a balance and a better way through life. Time going by is proving that intensity can become less and less, just need to get through it.

[1KitKat]

Amen, myself.  Thank you.