Who stresses you out the most

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just wanted to share an off-hand but rather wise comment from a friend/colleague yesterday that really resonated with me.  Maybe it will with some of you.  Earlier in the day, we had observed another colleague on her cell phone arguing loudly with someone, who turned out to be her husband.  This third person's marriage is tenuous right now, and my friend/colleague and I were discussing the possibility that their marriage may end in divorce. 

My friend/colleague, who is herself in what by all accounts seems to be a peaceful, successful marriage, said this: "Your spouse is your partner, and to be your partner, he has to be the person in life who stresses you out the least, not the person who stresses you out the most.  He can probably only be one of those two things.  But if he stresses you out the most, he cannot truly be your partner."

This hit me hard and I've been thinking about it a lot.  There is no question that my ex has been the person who stressed me out the most by far over the last 2 years; indeed, although our contact is quite limited now, she still is.  And I've been thinking about how incredibly incommensurate that is with my fantasies of us having a happy, healthy life together.  I realize that this person will always stress me out, and how could I possibly find peace then?

I've been feeling the urge to reach out (NC was broken recently by her but I am succeeding in not initiating at least), and when I feel that urge, I've gone back to this thought and it has been a great help.

[BacknthSaddle]

I just wanted to share an off-hand but rather wise comment from a friend/colleague yesterday that really resonated with me.  Maybe it will with some of you.  Earlier in the day, we had observed another colleague on her cell phone arguing loudly with someone, who turned out to be her husband.  This third person's marriage is tenuous right now, and my friend/colleague and I were discussing the possibility that their marriage may end in divorce. 

My friend/colleague, who is herself in what by all accounts seems to be a peaceful, successful marriage, said this: "Your spouse is your partner, and to be your partner, he has to be the person in life who stresses you out the least, not the person who stresses you out the most.  He can probably only be one of those two things.  But if he stresses you out the most, he cannot truly be your partner."

This hit me hard and I've been thinking about it a lot.  There is no question that my ex has been the person who stressed me out the most by far over the last 2 years; indeed, although our contact is quite limited now, she still is.  And I've been thinking about how incredibly incommensurate that is with my fantasies of us having a happy, healthy life together.  I realize that this person will always stress me out, and how could I possibly find peace then?

I've been feeling the urge to reach out (NC was broken recently by her but I am succeeding in not initiating at least), and when I feel that urge, I've gone back to this thought and it has been a great help.

[jibber]

I can relate to this and it makes a lot of sense. I used to be anxious to go back home from work... . that doesn't sound like peace at home indeed. I was happy to go to work because i would have a few stress-free hours compared to spending time with her.

[going places]

Brilliant!

I found that when I would go on road trips to see my son, that there was an amazing peace, and I did not want to go back home... . I didn't even want to talk to him on the phone while away.

But as soon as I got in the car to head home?

The anxiety, the pressure in my chest, the headache, the edgy-shortness... . all crept in.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted and ready for bed.

It has been THAT bad for 3 years... .

[thinkingthinking]

I can relate to this and it makes a lot of sense. I used to be anxious to go back home from work... . that doesn't sound like peace at home indeed. I was happy to go to work because i would have a few stress-free hours compared to spending time with her.

Ditto! During times when my dBPDh was working opposite shifts from me, I would intentionally stay at work late just so I would miss him and I would dread the evenings we were home together.  Just not sure why it took so long to figure out that this was not good for me!

[Mutt]

This hit me hard and I've been thinking about it a lot.  There is no question that my ex has been the person who stressed me out the most by far over the last 2 years; indeed, although our contact is quite limited now, she still is.  And I've been thinking about how incredibly incommensurate that is with my fantasies of us having a happy, healthy life together.  I realize that this person will always stress me out, and how could I possibly find peace then?

You have a good friend and had an epiphany 

Reading the 10 beliefs helped me as well, belief 1, made me realize how true that this person does not hold something over me, I will find someone else.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

Myth 1 - Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness  [Read original text here]

"Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special."