Almost looked at fb. Reasons I shouldnt?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I started feeling really unsecure. Thinking he doesnt

Want me because he isnt physically attracted.

My self esteem is so low right now.

I know if I look at his fb ill just feel awful.

Its been a week from today since we have had sex... .

And 5 since I saw a post on his wall about how hot

A girl he works with is and since I deactivated my account.

I feel so horrible right now. I wish I could love

Myself and see my beauty even though he doesnt want me.

I really dont want to look. Im struggling right now.

[seeking balance]

Go do something else - posting here is good, but getting away from the computer will help even more... . learning how to manage our insecurities is really important - most of us used our BPD partner to help alleviate insecurity or loneliness.

Do you have a friend you can call and go for  a walk or something away from social media?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Im about to go to the gym... . I feel so low right now.

Like if he didnt want me who would?

Must be because im not atteactive enough.

Thats the first place I go... I know,it sounfs really shallow

And ridiculous... But it comes from deep issues from my childhood.

I feel like thats why he doesnt want me. I just feel so awful.

And my pattern wants me to make him see im attractive enough

For him. Which is ridiculous bc hes not THAT atteactive himself.

I also feel angry that he would judge my looks bc I am more attractive than him.

It really hurts even tho its really shallow.

[fromheeltoheal]

Must be because im not atteactive enough.

Thats the first place I go... I know,it sounfs really shallow

And ridiculous... But it comes from deep issues from my childhood.

Everyone feels 'not good enough' in some way, to different degrees and at different times; it's part of the human condition.  You can't rely on someone with a personality disorder to give you honest, consistent feedback, and you certainly can't rely on him to be consistent and stable emotionally.  Better to start accepting it didn't work, and shift the focus from him to you and your bright future.  Going to the gym is a good plan, take the body and the mind will follow, and make sure you focus on taking care of yourself, your body and your healthy future, instead of going to work on something you consider inferior so you can maybe attract him once again, once you 'fix' yourself.  It's a focus thing.  Take care of you!

[Popcorn71]

Like if he didnt want me who would?

Must be because im not atteactive enough.

Thats the first place I go... I know,it sounfs really shallow

And ridiculous... But it comes from deep issues from my childhood.

I feel like thats why he doesnt want me. I just feel so awful.

And my pattern wants me to make him see im attractive enough

For him. Which is ridiculous bc hes not THAT atteactive himself.

I also feel angry that he would judge my looks bc I am more attractive than him.

It really hurts even tho its really shallow.

That's exactly how I felt when my exBPDh left me for the replacement.  I still think like that occasionally.

Maybe time helps, I don't know.  I try to do new things and meet new people.  It is helping.  It was recently my birthday and a few friends made an effort to bring me cards and gifts like never before.  That made me feel good.  It didn't happen when I was with him.  New people I have met seem to like me and want to be around me.  Again, that didn't happen when I was with him.  I am beginning to appreciate that although he didn't value me and didn't stay with me, it was his loss.  I do have good points and I am worthwhile.  I just have to accept that from other people.

Try to look for the good in yourself.  It's difficult but I bet you will find loads of stuff when you start to really think about it.  When you have that list of good stuff you can see what a loser he was for not realising what a catch he had when he was with you.  Remember that.  He was an idiot to let you go.  I keep reminding myself of that and slowly but surely, I think it is working!

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks you guys.

Must be because im not atteactive enough.

Thats the first place I go... I know,it sounfs really shallow

And ridiculous... But it comes from deep issues from my childhood.

Everyone feels 'not good enough' in some way, to different degrees and at different times; it's part of the human condition.  You can't rely on someone with a personality disorder to give you honest, consistent feedback, and you certainly can't rely on him to be consistent and stable emotionally.  Better to start accepting it didn't work, and shift the focus from him to you and your bright future.  Going to the gym is a good plan, take the body and the mind will follow, and make sure you focus on taking care of yourself, your body and your healthy future, instead of going to work on something you consider inferior so you can maybe attract him once again, once you 'fix' yourself.  It's a focus thing.  Take care of you!

sometimes it comes into my mind... the better I look ... the more he'll see what he's missing!

But that is just shallow and dumb... I wouldn't want him back just b/c my physical attractiveness

has improved. I deserve more than that... and that was probably the problem from the very beginning

anyway. I don't think he loved me... I think it was physical attraction... so naturally it all faded with time.

It's very hard though... b/c I genuinely love him/care about him.

Like if he didnt want me who would?

Must be because im not atteactive enough.

Thats the first place I go... I know,it sounfs really shallow

And ridiculous... But it comes from deep issues from my childhood.

I feel like thats why he doesnt want me. I just feel so awful.

And my pattern wants me to make him see im attractive enough

For him. Which is ridiculous bc hes not THAT atteactive himself.

I also feel angry that he would judge my looks bc I am more attractive than him.

It really hurts even tho its really shallow.

That's exactly how I felt when my exBPDh left me for the replacement.  I still think like that occasionally.

Maybe time helps, I don't know.  I try to do new things and meet new people.  It is helping.  It was recently my birthday and a few friends made an effort to bring me cards and gifts like never before.  That made me feel good.  It didn't happen when I was with him.  New people I have met seem to like me and want to be around me.  Again, that didn't happen when I was with him.  I am beginning to appreciate that although he didn't value me and didn't stay with me, it was his loss.  I do have good points and I am worthwhile.  I just have to accept that from other people.

Try to look for the good in yourself.  It's difficult but I bet you will find loads of stuff when you start to really think about it.  When you have that list of good stuff you can see what a loser he was for not realising what a catch he had when he was with you.  Remember that.  He was an idiot to let you go.  I keep reminding myself of that and slowly but surely, I think it is working!

It sucks... When I was single... my self worth was literally wrapped up into how I felt about myself.

But he covertly would talk about my looks in a derogatory way... . then he would tell me I was beautiful.

It was a mind f** and apparently my original self esteem wasn't strong enough to withstand that. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thinking about him a lot today... damn. It's literally one week since I have seen him.

Exactly 7 days. Oh lord I hope I can get through this.

I am just trying to ride the wave until I get over him.

I cannot even look at his fb... b/c I KNOW it will set me back... last time I looked

it made me feel like royal sh**

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I'm not undecided! It's more helpful for me for this to be on the leaving.

I am TEMPTED to contact. I need help with that temptation.

but I am done with him.

[fromheeltoheal]

I cannot even look at his fb... b/c I KNOW it will set me back... last time I looked

it made me feel like royal sh**  Well there you go then, motivation to not look even though the pull is strong.  Been there, I know the feeling, feels like kicking any other addiction, the good news being the hardest part is at the beginning.

One thing that helped me was to make a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled, it became a long list, and then review it at times like this, as a reminder and a focus shift.  It worked.  It's said that a good relationship is 80% good and 20% bad, well, ours was 80-20 the other way, and approached 100-0 near the end.  It's funny how our mind gravitates to the tidbit that was good and ignores the bad, and for me a large part of the good was a fantasy in my head that didn't exist.

The other helpful thing is to shift your focus intentionally to the future, a happy future without him in it.  What would that look like?  Get a clear vision and take at least one step in that direction.  It takes vigilance and determination at first, you have sludge to fight out of, but momentum builds and before you know it, it's reality.

Take care of you!

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thank you for responding... I didnt look. I my feel a little sad... .

But it is a lot beter than I would have felt looking

He always leaves covert messages for me. Or hes posting

About some other girl. Hes in the idealization phase with

Some chick whos name he doesnt even know.

I agree with the fantasy stuff. I think I remember one small good thing.

Then I cling to it and probably over fantasize it. Bc I wish

He cou nh lf have stayed that way.

Its so hard accepting that he doesnt care about me.

Especially when he vehemently claimed otherwise.

[Perdita]

HBR, there should be only one reason for you to deactivate your fb account right now - to block him.  Better yet, open a new account, don't send him a friend request (obviously) and block him.  Ask a friend to do the blocking part for you so that you won't even have to go to his page and end up seeing something that will destroy you all over again. 

You said you are not undecided, but leaving.  If that really is the case then you need to take these safe guards.  Also follow the advice of others that have left by blocking phone calls from him etc. 

[wrigley52]

When my ex fiancé was leaving he told me I'm not physically attracted to you, you put on so much weight... . which I had we were poor and ate a lot off the dollar menu. That really hurt my self esteem. I have lost 46 pounds and look and feel great. I made a boo boo and looked at his page. We had a dog together and he posted a pic of the dog which I have and he said he got out of a bad relationship back in Aug and that he saw some recent pics of the dog and he looked terrible... my dog is happy and looks great but it did set me back. We had never really fought and I thought we were getting along great. He always told me he loved me and then I found out he was cheating and lying and he had lied the entire time we were together. I kicked him out and he got nasty. I haven't talked to him since July that is really when we broke up he cant even remember since he put Aug. He threatened me twice but no other contact. Just seeing that he put he was in a bad relationship hurt me. He had it made. I did hear he was telling a lot of lies about me. The people are awful and we are so much better off... . try not to look you will be doing yourself a favor, hang in there

Wrigley 52

[Aussie0zborn]

Maybe the first reason you shouldn't look at his FB account is because it will make you feel even more unattractive each and every time you look at it.  This is an issue for you now - or at least until you realise you own value which doesn't sound like it going to happen tomorrow, but let me assure you that it will.

Don't forget that a lot of people use FB to show what a wonderful life they have. And right now he will be trying very hard to continue making you feel bad.

Focus on what you can do to lead a fulfilling life and ignore his games and nonsense. I strongly recommend No Contact (and part of NC is no peaking on FB). Good luck.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks everyone. I need to clarify ... I did deactivate fb. I can't even

have one... if I have one I will look... I will unblock... him I did it before.

I even created a fake in order to look due to the blocking!

So I am just staying off period... no if ands or buts!

When my ex fiancé was leaving he told me I'm not physically attracted to you, you put on so much weight... . which I had we were poor and ate a lot off the dollar menu. That really hurt my self esteem. I have lost 46 pounds and look and feel great. I made a boo boo and looked at his page. We had a dog together and he posted a pic of the dog which I have and he said he got out of a bad relationship back in Aug and that he saw some recent pics of the dog and he looked terrible... my dog is happy and looks great but it did set me back. We had never really fought and I thought we were getting along great. He always told me he loved me and then I found out he was cheating and lying and he had lied the entire time we were together. I kicked him out and he got nasty. I haven't talked to him since July that is really when we broke up he cant even remember since he put Aug. He threatened me twice but no other contact. Just seeing that he put he was in a bad relationship hurt me. He had it made. I did hear he was telling a lot of lies about me. The people are awful and we are so much better off... . try not to look you will be doing yourself a favor, hang in there

Wrigley 52

I can only imagine... that would feel terrible! Good for you on your weight loss... . I am going to the

gym a lot right now... sculpting my body... not for him... but for me... sometimes I get a feeling in the

back of my head... that wants "revenge" and I just so happen to walk into him after my transformation...

haha but I know that is silly!

Maybe the first reason you shouldn't look at his FB account is because it will make you feel even more unattractive each and every time you look at it.  This is an issue for you now - or at least until you realise you own value which doesn't sound like it going to happen tomorrow, but let me assure you that it will.

Don't forget that a lot of people use FB to show what a wonderful life they have. And right now he will be trying very hard to continue making you feel bad.

Focus on what you can do to lead a fulfilling life and ignore his games and nonsense. I strongly recommend No Contact (and part of NC is no peaking on FB). Good luck.

You're right that is totally my problem right now... and I don't get it...

I hope I do start feeling beautiful without him soon.

Some days are better than others...

[Stalwart]

Hurtbeyond:

Listen sweetheart break ups are never easy and after we put so much into trying to make our relationships with an ill person  (and suffer so much personal damage doing that) it makes it that much harder.

I can only give you an opinion from my own take and experience - I'm no therapist.

Everything you say about the reasons you feel he's left make so much sense and that to me is the problem. The majority of times people with this illness make little sense in their reasoning at all. You may feel as though it's about you, your appearance, your ineptness but I can only suggest to you his reasons have far less to do with you at all and more to do with him.

We think we know what's in their minds by the way they act and things they say but it's been my experience that very little of what my wife says actually spawns from what she is actually saying but more so from what she assumes in her mind and turns into a reality and sometimes that's really far-fetched stuff. One thing for certain it always has far more to do with her than it does with me.

You've allowed yourself to be put through so much and apparently it hasn't been without taking its personal toll on you as well. What you feel you need to do now is most likely exactly what you've needed to do for some time and only now are finding the courage.

You're the one who wanted your relationship to work, to be close, to be loving and to be shared and satsfying. Apparently that isn't what he valued in you and there will be someone who does and totally sees you for who you actually are and values that. That's someone who is totally beautiful and wants to share in a meaningful relationship with another person  so to criticise whether you're beautiful or not isn't even an issue here. You've been made to feel as though you're not.

There is no failure on your part unless you are willing to allow his failures to become a part of who you think you are. He is the challenged one and from what I see you're the one who placed value on a realtionship and who you are. So place that value back in yourself. You deserve nothing less just because your relationship with him was sabotaged by his illness.

You can be strong because you're doing the right thing for you. Somewhere just around the corner there is going to be another person who is glad you had the strength to move forward becasue that will by why he met you.  

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Hurtbeyond:

Listen sweetheart break ups are never easy and after we put so much into trying to make our relationships with an ill person  (and suffer so much personal damage doing that) it makes it that much harder.

I can only give you an opinion from my own take and experience - I'm no therapist.

Everything you say about the reasons you feel he's left make so much sense and that to me is the problem. The majority of times people with this illness make little sense in their reasoning at all. You may feel as though it's about you, your appearance, your ineptness but I can only suggest to you his reasons have far less to do with you at all and more to do with him.

We think we know what's in their minds by the way they act and things they say but it's been my experience that very little of what my wife says actually spawns from what she is actually saying but more so from what she assumes in her mind and turns into a reality and sometimes that's really far-fetched stuff. One thing for certain it always has far more to do with her than it does with me.

You've allowed yourself to be put through so much and apparently it hasn't been without taking its personal toll on you as well. What you feel you need to do now is most likely exactly what you've needed to do for some time and only now are finding the courage.

You're the one who wanted your relationship to work, to be close, to be loving and to be shared and satsfying. Apparently that isn't what he valued in you and there will be someone who does and totally sees you for who you actually are and values that. That's someone who is totally beautiful and wants to share in a meaningful relationship with another person  so to criticise whether you're beautiful or not isn't even an issue here. You've been made to feel as though you're not.

There is no failure on your part unless you are willing to allow his failures to become a part of who you think you are. He is the challenged one and from what I see you're the one who placed value on a realtionship and who you are. So place that value back in yourself. You deserve nothing less just because your relationship with him was sabotaged by his illness.

You can be strong because you're doing the right thing for you. Somewhere just around the corner there is going to be another person who is glad you had the strength to move forward becasue that will by why he met you.  

Thank u so much. This put me in tears. I,wish I had more words.

Im saving this so I can keep looking at it.

I was wstching thos advertisement for the new xmen

Movie, which I have loved since I was a kid, and I

Started missing him.

Im a girl who loves that sort of thing and def none od my

Gfs do. I was thinking how nice it would

Be to go see that with him.

Then I remembered him fbing about

Taking some other girl to see spiderman

and it hurt so bad. I keep looking at myself

Thinking he didnt feel I was good enough.

Im trying to work through that and stop it.

Thank you for your kind words

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

my fb is still deactivated I CANT look or ill be hurt.

Last time I looked was last monday and he was talking about the other

Girl after just having sex w me days before. I just cant handle that.

He hasnt tried to contact otherwise and I havent and dont intend to contact him.

I am really focusing on me and my body issues right niw and trying to

Finish school.

Sometimes I think about him and feel very said and theres a longing.

The new xmen movie is coming out... . And he was thw inly other

Person I knew into that... . Would have been nice to go with him.

But then I,think about how he used me when I never in my life thought

He would treat me that way... . And I stop reminiscing.

I think im mostly struggling with the shock of how he treated me

Even tho I treated him so well. I keep thinking its bc I'm

Not atteactive enough but a lot of supoort on here helps me use

Logic and understand that is not it...

So I jnow,its me that has a problem w my looks.

Im projecting that onto him (he sid capitalize on it tho

For manipulation/lowering self esteem further however)

My self esteem is really low and the way he has treates that has

Really got me scrutinizing that. I trusted him.

Its hard. But im still here.

Dont beat urself up the only reason I havent lookes is bc I

Know the pain is worse seeing than not seeing...

And I just cant take on anymore pain.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

90% of the time I feel numb towards him...

I cant allow myself to feel soft towarss him anymore

After how horribly he treated me.

But I know if I looked it would be right back at square one.

Extreme nc (meaning not looking,at social media and counting

That as contact)

Is the only way im gonna move on. I know... . it

His bday is on the 20th... . Thats gonna be a bumo in the road... .

But he deserves nothing from me. Ill make that day

About me. I think the numbness is a substitution for anger

Since I have problems dissasociating from anger.

[Narellan]

I'm so happy to hear how you're going. I can see you are in a much better place now . That's awesome you have remained NC ... It gives you pride in yourself at your self control and that's a great step toward your self esteem. I know what you mean about getting hurt all over with the FB stuff. It's really been beneficial for me to stay off it too. Apart from a couple of brief relapses I'm happy I'm away from it. And it's good you feel anger. You are accepting finally that you didn't deserve his treatment of you and it's ok to be angry at him, and yourself for allowing this.

You're going to be fine HBR. Keep reminding yourself what a beautiful heart you have. Take care and keep posting 

[Stalwart]

Has he had any contact with you? That should say it all.

You're doing the right thing for you and in the long run there isn't anything you can do to help him. He's going to have to play his merry-go-round enough in his life until one day he just see's how badly he's treated people and has no one left because of it.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You're attractive enough to find guys before this and you still are. I hate it when women guage themselves today against false images. Be yourself and like being that - you like everyone else deserves to be happy and you're worth making yourself happy.

Go to X-men and sit a seat over from a guy who looks interesting and just start to talk. Find your way back out there in the world sweetheart. It's out there waiting for you - tackle it. One bad apple doesn't spoil the entire crop.

Meantime focus in on your studys and taking care of yourself because you deserve it. Apparently he didn't and hopefully the next one will.