My Ex Broke NC ... this was her message

[JohnThorn]

Last night at 3am I received a message on my phone using an App that allows you to message people who you have blocked from your phone.  This is the third time she has messaged me with this type of message, although this time she got a bit more detailed.  I don't have a clue as to what she's talking about.  About a month ago, she initially claimed that she knew I was pranking her (with life threats)  from fake numbers and having her followed in a car.  I wasn't... .

The message said this:

HER: I just want you to know I find you to be one of the most spiteful people I have ever met in my entire life.  And I am not quite sure why you continue to TRY to ruin my life even after you are gone, but you are a mean and awful person.  You can't just let it go.  You can never just walk away.  You always have to keep pushing and keep ruining my life in any way you can.  You want to ensure that I'm miserable before you can really be happy.

I simply have no idea what she's talking about or why this type of accusation keeps coming my way.  She never really explains.

I did in fact write back:

ME: I don't know what you are talking about.  I hope you are happy.  Please take care and leave me out of your life.

HER: John seriously stfu

ME: What are you talking about?  It's ridiculous.  Are you seriously going to contact me every few weeks with more of this ___?  I wish you well [her name].  Seriously I really do.  I want you to leave me alone tho.

HER: You know exactly what I'm talking about

ME: [her name] I don't know.  And I don't care to know.

HER: Of course

ME: OK well.  I've not mentioned your name to a single person in at least a month.  Haven't seen you. Haven't been involved in any "conspiracies."  Whatever it is you're referring to, I'm sorry things are happening to you that you don't like, but they don't have to do with me.  You have to stop this for real because it's a total crap thing to keep doing.  I'm telling you for real... . I'm out of the picture and that's it.

HER: You are such a con artist

ME: OK then don't message me

HER: If you think for a second i do this every few weeks because i want to talk to you

HER: why you want me to be unhappy is amazing

ME: [her name] we can keep doing this.  But whatever it is I have nothing to do with it.

What do I make of these messages?

[LettingGo14]

She is triggered and you are triggered, JT.   It's emotional reactivity.  I can't translate the messages, and I realize it's difficult and devastating to have these sorts of exchanges.

What does it make you feel like?  How are you taking care of yourself?

[JohnThorn]

She is triggered and you are triggered, JT.   It's emotional reactivity.  I can't translate the messages, and I realize it's difficult and devastating to have these sorts of exchanges.

What does it make you feel like?  How are you taking care of yourself?

I could barely sleep.  I started shaking as soon as I got the message.  I wasn't going to respond. But I couldn't stop trembling.  Ultimately I gave in.  But what is triggering her?  I haven't done anything.

I woke up feeling so weird

[GuiltHaunted]

She can't accept that you: "don't know.  And I don't care to know."

She wants you to care for her, but you are telling her you are not and you are giving her the silent treatment. She wants you to miss her, just as much as she misses you - but you are not giving it to her.

So she makes up these fantasy stories to justify writing you. And to provoke a reaction.

NC is pretty cruel, even as a sane person, it isn't nice to be on the receiving end. Did you have a good talk with her, before going NC? Does she understand why you are NC? Is she aware of the effect contact has upon you?

[woodsposse]

 

I have to differ, for a second.

No Contact isn't cruel.  Especially when the dynamics of any relationship have ruptured to the point that, I'm sure a lot of us have seen before.  No Contact isn't "the silent treatment".  The Silent Treatment is cruel.  It is and can be a form of emotional terrorism - and is kind of immature emotionally, and is used as a form of manipulaton.

No Contact, on the other hand, is a tool needed for a person to distance themselves from a dysfunctional relationship and heal.  Yes, it hurts initially to go NC (much like going cold turkey when trying to get clean from any addictive anything), but as time goes on it becomes easier and easier.

As for the original message, yes it sounds like she is triggered - which in turn is triggering you.

You have already identified how it makes you feel, my question would be how do you think you could handle things different today in a way which helps your healing?

[cosmonaut]

It seems she's not only split you, but scapegoated you as well.  You are the cause of all of her problems in life.  It's all your fault and everything would be fine in her life if you would just stop.  There isn't much more to be able to understand because this is completely irrational thinking.  It's a primitive defense mechanism, to avoid having to face her very fragile and incomplete self.  Have compassion for her.  Pray for her.  But I wouldn't recommend responding to these crazed rants anymore.  Nothing you say is going to change her thinking.  If she continues to harass you, you can always consider a restraining order.

Sorry to hear you have to deal with this.  I'm sure it is making it harder to move on.  Unfortunately, this sort of splitting and scapegoating is part and parcel of BPD.  It's very sad.

[corraline]

Kinda similar stuff in a way to what i used to get alot.  Name calling and blaming that did not make sense.

I did not respond to it the last time.  Its just not good for anyone involved.  Please try not to give energy to why, there could be a few reasons that really have nothing much to do with you.  Stay in your integrity, cancel out in your head  (just in case you are taking any of it on )any of the projections that she is placing onto you, they are not yours.

I myself have figured out how to  block my ex completely on email as of yesterday.  I thought i couldn't do that without losing them.  It was suggested i have record of them just in case.  I still do now but I can't see what comes in any more.  Yeah... .   Until I have proceeded enuff  on my path of healing ,  i have to protect myself emotionally.

[JohnThorn]

Thank you everyone!

It drives me crazy to think she's being serious (not manipulative) and she seriously thinks I'm spending my time doing stuff. If I'm going to be gone... . just let it be. It's harder to not contact her when I think she thinks I'm scheming

[blissful_camper]

If I were receiving messages like that, I would refrain from responding.  It seems as though she is projecting who she is/what she is feeling onto you.   

[blissful_camper]

The message said this:

HER: I just want you to know I find you to be one of the most spiteful people I have ever met in my entire life.  And I am not quite sure why you continue to TRY to ruin my life even after you are gone, but you are a mean and awful person.  You can't just let it go.  You can never just walk away.  You always have to keep pushing and keep ruining my life in any way you can.  You want to ensure that I'm miserable before you can really be happy.

Does any of this describe what you experienced in the r/s?  Is she spiteful?  Did she try to ruin your life after the r/s?  Is she having a problem walking away?

After the r/s my ex accused me of "using" him to "fill a void."  I moved out of state to be with him.  I'm not one to uproot myself spending $6k on moving fees to fill a void.  I wanted to be with him, I wanted it to work, however he was mistreating me, so I left.   

[JohnThorn]

If I were to be completely honest, I do have a tendency to be spiteful when I'm hurting. But there are limits for me. I never took any real spite on my ex. I loved her and cared about her too much. She always thought I was super spiteful. One of the reasons was that when she was being insanely abusive and jealous, sometimes my only recourse was to tell her that I was going to expose her.

[cosmonaut]

After the r/s my ex accused me of "using" him to "fill a void."

If that's not projection I don't know what is.

[blissful_camper]

You can learn quite a bit about a person when accused of things that you know aren't truthful. They are painful realizations but that's what helped me move toward acceptance (that's who my ex is), and detaching (eek! women fill a void for him).  I didn't say "I" because it could have been any woman. It's not personal.  It wasn't about me. 

[JohnThorn]

I feel bad saying this, but as I try to analyze my feelings... .

I feel somehow happy that she reached out to me.  I had been thinking about reaching out to her.  I think about her a lot and it feels good to know she was thinking of me.  I don't believe her story.  I think something triggered her to reach out to me, and rather than making herself vulnerable, she went on the attack to try to get me to contact her. 

I know its messed up, but some part of me feels happy about it.  Does this mean I am totally a lost cause?

One of the things I never understood about ME is that I often found that her BPD antics were somehow a sign of love rather than a sign of abuse.  A sign of damaged person trying to express love but afraid of rejection... . I know its messed up.  And I know that when she began to be unfaithful and start truly lowering my self esteem, it was a different story, but when she acts like this, I somehow find it endearing and I know that means something is wrong with me.  BUT I AM HOPEFUL... . there's at least one other person on this board who will understand where I'm coming from

[GuiltHaunted]

I have to differ, for a second.

No Contact isn't cruel... .

No Contact, on the other hand, is a tool needed for a person to distance themselves from a dysfunctional relationship and heal.  Yes, it hurts initially to go NC (much like going cold turkey when trying to get clean from any addictive anything), but as time goes on it becomes easier and easier.

I am talking about the other person. No matter if one of the parties are BPD, it will hurt if the other person "drops of the radar", without explanation.

Sometimes, it is not necessary to explain why you go NC... . because the other person is not seeking contact either. But, if the other person would like to communicate, initiating NC without ANY explanation is plain cruel. NC itself is not, if communicated clearly the reason for initiating NC.

[Indigo Sky]

No contact

Don't play her game

[LettingGo14]

Does this mean I am totally a lost cause?

One of the things I never understood about ME is that I often found that her BPD antics were somehow a sign of love rather than a sign of abuse.  A sign of damaged person trying to express love but afraid of rejection... . I know its messed up.  And I know that when she began to be unfaithful and start truly lowering my self esteem, it was a different story, but when she acts like this, I somehow find it endearing and I know that means something is wrong with me.  BUT I AM HOPEFUL... . there's at least one other person on this board who will understand where I'm coming from

JT -- we get enmeshed.  It does not mean we are lost causes.  But, to get unstuck -- and back to living -- we focus attention on healing ourselves.   If we wait for outside forces or people to validate us, or motivate us, or love us, such attachments render us as helpless as small ships tossed on stormy seas.

If we drop our stories for a moment, we are left with feelings.  Of loneliness, of anger, of loss, of grief, of love.  Our minds want to make sense of things, and sometimes we default to telling ourselves we are broken or lost or wrong.

If we can unhook from the addictive thinking, and we can hold our emotions, we realize these are very human things.   We get out of the smallness of our stories, and back into the sea of humanity.

Grasping minds fail hurting hearts.  Hurting hearts begin to heal when grasping minds allow the pain.

[willy45]

Dude. She's making sh!t up to f#ck with you. She sounds nuts. She is lashing out and ACTIVELY TRYING to hurt you. It will only work if you try to figure it out. The thing is, you can't. You won't be able to and really, you don't want to be able to. Stop trying to figure out why. The answer is because she's nuts. Read her original message with that lens. From an outsider, it seems totally crazy. Nothing you can do but ignore and no contact.

[willy45]

Oh. And I agree about NC not being cruel. If someone was punching you in the face, you don't need to explain why you are running away. Trust me on this... . Explaining makes it worse. Every time I try to explain it to my ex, she uses it against me. She gets a thrill out of knowing she can hurt me. She feels like she has power. And this means she feels justified in continuing to harass me. Go NC. Dont explain. It will only serve to feed and vindicate her useful treatment of you.

[wannago]

Willy45 is spot on.

If you have no idea what she´s talking about, it´s just another attempt to get some FOG going again.

Unfortunately, you took the bait, and even convinced yourself that is was somehow positive that she contacted you.

No worries, we all make mistakes.

Just look at the big picture: Do u want a woman like this in your life?

Is this the kind of woman that makes you happy, feel good, makes you a better person?

Or is this particular exBPD stealing time from someone MUCH better, that you cant meet as long as you let your exBPD affect and control you with these mind games?

Stay strong! Say no!

She has ZERO control over you if you dont let her.

Dude. She's making sh!t up to f#ck with you. She sounds nuts. She is lashing out and ACTIVELY TRYING to hurt you. It will only work if you try to figure it out. The thing is, you can't. You won't be able to and really, you don't want to be able to. Stop trying to figure out why. The answer is because she's nuts. Read her original message with that lens. From an outsider, it seems totally crazy. Nothing you can do but ignore and no contact.

[patientandclear]

I feel bad saying this, but as I try to analyze my feelings... .

I feel somehow happy that she reached out to me.  I had been thinking about reaching out to her.  I think about her a lot and it feels good to know she was thinking of me.  I don't believe her story.  I think something triggered her to reach out to me, and rather than making herself vulnerable, she went on the attack to try to get me to contact her. 

I know its messed up, but some part of me feels happy about it.  Does this mean I am totally a lost cause?

One of the things I never understood about ME is that I often found that her BPD antics were somehow a sign of love rather than a sign of abuse.  A sign of damaged person trying to express love but afraid of rejection... . I know its messed up.  And I know that when she began to be unfaithful and start truly lowering my self esteem, it was a different story, but when she acts like this, I somehow find it endearing and I know that means something is wrong with me.  BUT I AM HOPEFUL... . there's at least one other person on this board who will understand where I'm coming from

I get this.  And I actually think you're correctly interpreting her texts: she misses what you do for her (note I am not saying she misses you in the sense many of us would understand that) and is afraid of rejection so she is making contact in a way that will almost certainly garner some kind of response.  Very self sabotaging in that it damages any healthy r/s dynamic, but nonetheless momentarily effective.

So I'm with you & might find it momentarily gratifying too.

[corraline]

I feel bad saying this, but as I try to analyze my feelings... .

I feel somehow happy that she reached out to me.  I had been thinking about reaching out to her.  I think about her a lot and it feels good to know she was thinking of me.  I don't believe her story.  I think something triggered her to reach out to me, and rather than making herself vulnerable, she went on the attack to try to get me to contact her.

I know its messed up, but some part of me feels happy about it.  Does this mean I am totally a lost cause? huh

One of the things I never understood about ME is that I often found that her BPD antics were somehow a sign of love rather than a sign of abuse.  A sign of damaged person trying to express love but afraid of rejection... . I know its messed up.  And I know that when she began to be unfaithful and start truly lowering my self esteem, it was a different story, but when she acts like this, I somehow find it endearing and I know that means something is wrong with me.  BUT I AM HOPEFUL... . there's at least one other person on this board who will understand where I'm coming from

I totally understand where you are coming from... .   this is what goes on for me too. I don't find it endearing anymore.  I understand now how it kept me stuck in the triangle of rescuer and ultimately victim. , sometimes persecutor too.

[JohnThorn]

Guys, your responses have been so helpful. I got very little sleep this weekend. She woke me up at 330 with the initial message. I never fell back to sleep.

I know the ideal is NC. But I felt compelled to try something else. I wrote this to her this morning. I can't block her. She always finds a way to contact me. No matter what I block her on.

XXXX, if you're going to text me about some bull, at least do it at a reasonable hour. I don't care if you're moving on or not. You shouldn't care what the hell I'm doing. Bottom line is, I think it's all bull. And if you want to maintain a friendly distance, that's cool. If I see you on the street I've no problem offering a friendly hello. Just move on. And if someone is really bothering you (which I don't believe) then just find out who the it is and stop assuming it's me. You disrupted my sleep for the whole weekend and you look like ass typing cryptic to me at 3am. Just stay cool. No need for drama anymore. And just FYI, if you continue to message about what horrible guy I am for I'm not doing, I'm not going to respond. Thanksl

[BorisAcusio]

No need for drama anymore. And just FYI, if you continue to message about what horrible guy I am for I'm not doing, I'm not going to respond. Thanksl

And yet, you still willingly engage in the drama.

[blissful_camper]

No need for drama anymore. And just FYI, if you continue to message about what horrible guy I am for I'm not doing, I'm not going to respond. Thanksl

And the same time, you still willingly engage in the drama.

I respectfully disagree.  John lost sleep over the weekend and needed to vent.  He vented on the board (healthy) and was honest about how he felt about the interaction. Setting boundaries with her, if he feels he needs to, is healthy also.  It's part of the process, the journey to acceptance and detaching. The bigger question, is where does John want to go from here?   How does John feel now that he has set boundaries?

[BorisAcusio]

No need for drama anymore. And just FYI, if you continue to message about what horrible guy I am for I'm not doing, I'm not going to respond. Thanksl

And the same time, you still willingly engage in the drama.

I respectfully disagree.  John lost sleep over the weekend and needed to vent.  He vented on the board (healthy) and was honest about how he felt about the interaction. Setting boundaries with her, if he feels he needs to, is healthy also.  It's part of the process, the journey to acceptance and detaching. The bigger question, is where does John want to go from here?   How does John feel now that he has set boundaries?

I found it futile to set up boundaries with someone who doesn't really have the ability understand the concept thus won't respect them. On the other hand, eliminating the reward will eventually make them loose interest. As you said, John has every right to be angry, made a reasonable decision, the thread is insightful but he simply assumes something from the other party that doesn't exist.

[Lion Fire]

I know this well.

I got " you kept pushing me until I broke', "you're a conman", "nasty person"... . sometimes a series of messages that escalate with typos all over the place... .

I have been unbelievably restrained and have never gone beyond 1 or 2 simple responses to her barrage of texts. When we spoke i was also calm (on the outside) and would not contest a thing.

These exchanges really disturb me emotionally.

She recently re-friend requested me on FB. I accepted. She then unfriended me 

Someone asked me today why on earth I even consider having contact with her. I had no answer.

That says it all 

[wannago]

It´s eerie how similar these exBPD´s messages are. It´s like they all went to the same FOG school... .

I wonder if we could all just swap dialogue with each other, so that none of us would have to deal with our OWN exes, but instead dealt with someone else´s ex. That would make it a whole lot easier to make the right decisions :P

On a serious note, I agree that while setting boundaries are fine - this contact also just reignited the drama; so in that sense it was counter-productive.

You say that you cannot block her and she always finds a way.

My only advice is: Try harder. There is always a way if you wanna go "off the grid".

In the end it´s a matter of how much you value your peace and quiet versus how much living under the radar will interfere with your life. Damn unfair, I know - but as I see it you can either do what you can to go dark, or get more drama.

Hope you succeed

[JohnThorn]

Wannago, I like that idea of different people handling other people's exes LOL!

What I find quite confusing about the whole thing is that she hasn't read my comment to her today. This leads me to believe that she was in fact being serious about the accusation, rather than manipulative and making it all up. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want her to slander my name for actions I'm not doing

[blissful_camper]

Wannago, I like that idea of different people handling other people's exes LOL!

What I find quite confusing about the whole thing is that she hasn't read my comment to her today. This leads me to believe that she was in fact being serious about the accusation, rather than manipulative and making it all up. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want her to slander my name for actions I'm not doing

The only person you can control is yourself.  I wouldn't read into why she didn't read your comment yet.  Only she knows, and anything more is speculation. 

The question is, where do you want to go from here?  What steps do you feel you need to take to reach that goal?