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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Memories in the attic  (Read 394 times)
Yogeek

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: May 12, 2014, 04:09:49 PM »

When my ex went off to a recovery community about 18 months ago, she left an awful lot of stuff behind in my house. I had not yet accepted our r/s was at an end, but knew I would need to spend the time focusing on myself. So, I boxed up all the stuff that was hers and stored it up in the attic so I wouldn't be constantly reminded of her. Her stuff includes books, clothes, and all her memory stuff from most of her life - old family pictures and letters, baby books from her deceased grandparents, heirloom jewelry, etc. When she returned last fall, she used this stuff as a foot in the door for reconnection. She would come over to figure out what she was going to do with her stuff, but we'd spend the time talking and... . other things... . instead. Eventually our recycle ended when she confessed that she been seeing another guy even though I had laid down the boundary of being exclusive. That was the day I went NC. In my anger, I told her I was going to throw away all her stuff and not to contact me anymore.

Since then, I've mostly avoided the proverbial elephant in the attic. Last weekend, I was missing her a lot. I told myself I would go up to just take a look and assess, but I paid dearly with a pretty rotten week after. I was filled with idealization and rumination, most likely stirred up by going through all her stuff. So, I'm now at a place where I don't trust myself to be around it, but I don't want to throw her life's memories away out of spite either. A possible solution would be to drop it all off with her dad. He and I have a civil relationship and I believe he would be accommodating. But, is this the right thing to do? It could be inviting her to try to reach out. It would certainly feel like I was "sending her a message" by doing this, would I be better served by not engaging at all and just dumping everything like I said I would? I mean, if that stuff was really important to her, wouldn't she have taken it when she had the chance? Or did she just leave it because she knew she could later use it as a way to get back in with me?

But there I go again. All caught up in what she's thinking or how she'll react. How do I feel about it?

I don't want her stuff in my house any more. It's too tempting for me to trigger myself with it. I would feel worse about throwing it away than returning it to her father. How she reacts isn't my concern. I'm inclined to drop it off with her dad.

Thoughts?
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arjay
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« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2014, 05:56:01 PM »

Yes it has been said many times and there are so many examples here of the "left behind stuff", because they don't wish to let go either.  It can give them a "foot in the door" and as you pointed out.  Sadly as you found out too, the contact and memorabilia can undo weeks and weeks of personal work.  In some ways we end up "starting over again" with the detachment process.  I commend you for the simple realization that seeing her stuff was a huge emotional trigger for you!

For me it was almost like a drug that initially made me feel better, but worse after it wore off.  It is as confusing and illogical as building a house only to tear it down before it is finished and start over again.  We end up going though this insane up and down periods, oscillating between wanting them and being angry with ourselves and wanting to move on.

I can only tell you from experience that detachment and sticking to it, finally set me free.  I had my mini periods of cheating but found it was really up to me to be a person of my word if only to myself.  The fog did lift over time; she did go through several relationships afterwards and likely has not changed either.  When I considered how precious my life and time on this earth really was, I came away ashamed at myself for spending all the months and months and months I did, trying to really-really-really move on.  I forgave myself and gave thanks when I finally was emotionally free.  I was one of those that had to prove it to myself ad adnauseam that the chaos i experienced with her was exactly what I would continue to experience forever.  I had to finally get to "being sick and tired of being sick and tired".

Holding on to her stuff is your umbilical cord too.  Why not box it all up, call her father and simply tell him you would rather return things to him?  She may call or correspond, but at that point you are the gatekeeper.

You know where you have been and you know where it will go if you continue staying engaged.  I know how tough it is.  It was really tough for me, but I am whole again and now spend my precious energy helping people and animals, instead of going through another sleepless night over something I knew I could never fix.  My energy is now spent in many positive ways instead of personal anguish.  There is a life out there and it is better too; by a LOT.

Peace
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Yogeek

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« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2014, 03:34:19 PM »

I thought I'd resurrect this thread and let y'all know how it turned out.

I did drop off all her stuff at her dad's house. The exchange went pretty smoothly, he and I chatted about some common interests, but unfortunately he let slip some info about my ex that's been eating at me a bit. She has a new job that's pretty close to where I live. Not "around the corner" close, but close enough that we could cross paths commuting since her new job has similar hours to mine. In the grand scheme of things, it's no big deal and I'll probably never notice her and even if I did, she probably wouldn't notice me as we both drive pretty common cars. But it's still frustrating when I get that twinge in my chest every time I see a car like hers drive by. I want to be done with those feelings - not still being affected by someone who didn't really care about me. Grr... .

The other thing that bothered me about her getting a new job was that the job she had during our last recycle had a schedule completely counter to mine and we couldn't see each other nearly as much I had wanted to. So my mind has been idealizing what could have been had we been able to spend more time together. Realistically, I know it would have ended up the same way it always did, but my mind, well, it seems to like these games.

Aside from that it felt pretty good to be rid of that stuff. Like cutting the cord. Of course there's still plenty of mental memories that I can hang on to and trigger myself with if I want to go down that path, but at least she can't use those as a way to slither back into my life, like she could with physical possessions. I guess I feel like I did the esteemable thing this time, which is pretty cool.

Thanks for your input, Arjay.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2014, 03:50:25 PM »

Contact from a past that hurt us tends to stir up residual emotions - the fact you feel disappointed and such hearing about her new job is understandable.

Also, don't sell yourself short on what you did by dropping her stuff off:

1.  you stayed aligned with your personal values (you didn't destroy her childhood things) - important

2.  you let go of the last ties, of course there is going to be some hurt that may show itself as anger or a rumination for a bit, this is absolutely normal - the letting go tangibly.

From my experience, this "hangover" may feel more deep for a short time, but there will be a peace that comes as you have already developed a new routine and a new life.

Thanks for sharing,

SB
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