I understand NC is about me but..

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok I know that NC is about me and my recovery from all of this.  I continue to process and am doing quite well.  My question is I read a lot hear about NC until we are healed enough to have contact with them.   But my issue is that I don't ever want contact from her ever again.  I don't want to know how she is doing.  I don't want to be friends with her.  I don't want anything from her.  I never want to see her again.

I feel like maybe something is wrong with me?

[Tincup]

Ok I know that NC is about me and my recovery from all of this.  I continue to process and am doing quite well.  My question is I read a lot hear about NC until we are healed enough to have contact with them.   But my issue is that I don't ever want contact from her ever again.  I don't want to know how she is doing.  I don't want to be friends with her.  I don't want anything from her.  I never want to see her again.

I feel like maybe something is wrong with me?

[Mutt]

NC is to give yourself distance to detach and heal, reflect on why you got enmeshed with this person and work on your own issues, your own negative personality traits.

It's fine that you feel like that, you may also change your mind later. There are many many friends that I had in my life, that aren't a part of my life now. People change, grow and move on. Is there something wrong with that? It's just how life is.

What are your true feelings? Do you feel resentment or anger, is that why you are asking if this is normal?

[Tincup]

Mutt-I don't really feel resentment or anger anymore (I used to though).  I have moved to a point where I don't feel those emotions about her anymore.  But I have to say that I feel completely at peace when I have no contact at all with her (that includes not only no calls, emails, texts but also not hearing anything about her etc... ).  If I hear something about her through the grapevine it makes me think about her, and I am just more at peace when I don't have to do that.

I have had several ex's that I am friends with after the fact.  This really is the first one that I want nothing at all to do with.

[Mutt]

I have had several ex's that I am friends with after the fact.  This really is the first one that I want nothing at all to do with.

Adults can usually give each other closure after a relationship's over and have common respect for each other. These break-ups can be a traumatic experience in how they are so sudden and swift, at least mine was. She is emotionally immature and very difficult to deal with, but I have to maintain contact due to children.

Why do you feel guilt? Radical acceptance helped me with realizing that it causes less pain to just accept things for what they are. If she is mentally ill, you don't want this person in your circle because she is toxic, probably didn't leave on friendly terms. Take care of you!

Radical Acceptance for family members

[fromheeltoheal]

It also depends on what the relationship was.  If you were married and have joint ownership of things, own a business together, or especially have kids, there may be a reason or a need to have some contact moving forward.  For me, we weren't married, didn't have any kids, and live a long way apart now, so there is no reason to have any contact or be a part of each other's lives at all, just another old flame, this one just flamed up and flamed out a lot more than some others.

Is it important for you in some way to keep in touch with exes Tin?  I saw another ex, not the borderline, not long ago, and after talking for a while, discovered that I had never really let her go, and it's been quite a while.  It was good to talk to her, surprising even, and it did bring some closure.  Do you feel like you have unfinished business with some exes in general?  Do your relationships end that way?

[Tincup]

Maybe I should clarify some points.  We were not married, did not have kids or any property together.  So our breakup this time (7 mos ago) was out of the blue and came in the form of a couple of text messages (no talking at all). 

I really don't have all that many ex's due to the fact that I was in a long term marriage that ended.  I should say that I am friendly with my other ex's and don't mind when I have interaction with them.  I don't have any emotional attachment to any of them. 

But with my UBPDexgf, I am not going to want any contact with.  She is unable to have contact with me without crossing my personal boundaries.  I mean UNABLE to have contact without crossing my boundaries.  I know she is mentally ill, and I do accept that.  She will NEVER acknowledge that she is ill, and therefore will never do anything about it. 

I don't ever expect her to change, bottom line.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't see an issue and I don't see a point Tin.  If you're not together and don't want to be, and don't want to talk to her, then don't, no biggie.  My ex and I worked together before, during and after our relationship, and it was tolerable after, after a while, but the day she got fired was a happy, happy day for me, good riddance. 

Detaching and the mighty NC are two different things, detaching is a process and NC is a tool, and some folks eliminate contact but don't detach, run into their ex, and freak out, a long time after it ended.  Some say limited contact is actually better, it helps us detach when we are able to see and communicate with a borderline, helps us be more objective about things as we detach emotionally.  Bottom line is whatever works.