Facebook defriended, why did I look ?

[Narellan]

Well, as I'm anxiously anticipating exBPD return to our local suburb within the next week or so ( he's been away since feb). I reactivated my FB in the middle of the night (2 am) to check his page for a rough date. And guess what? He's defriended me.

I was his friend still when I last checked 3 days ago, and my account has been deactivated for a month maybe, but I didnt know how he can unfriend a deactivated account? Or why he would, he has so many friends and followers, and we haven't had any contact to annoy him, or give him reason for this. I just find it quite bizarre. I googled it, and it's quite a few step instruction how to defriend a deactivated account. So it's a very deliberate move from him, and I don't know why. I've just been sitting off in the background minding my own business.  I'm not sad about this, as I'm off FB, just intrigued.

Any thoughts peeps?

[LettingGo14]

Any thoughts peeps?

Hello Narellen.  I know this is hard.   And, I'm sorry it hurts so much.  I  understand it as well (since it happened to me... . )

We have options here, including:

1. Accept it & examine the feelings that arise.

2. Give ourselves some credit for hard work we are doing to heal.

3. Re-frame our perspectives, and choose not to ruminate on why someone else does something.

You are doing hard work, Narellen.  Accept, re-frame & re-examine is what has helped me.

[AwakenedOne]

Narellen,

I would of checked also if I was you to see when he is getting back so I could prepare and brace myself in case I would see him. If you see him around town do you know what your reaction is going to be to him? If you prepare for stuff it can make it less traumatic I think if and when it would happen. Like if I see my ex in line at mcdonalds in our town she is invisible to me. If she walks up to say hi to me she's still invisible, if she refuses to go away and is invading my space I'll say "I have nothing to say pls go away" or I would just walk out without any words. Don't know if you think like me or not but having a basic plan lets me be more at ease. About the FB blocking thing I don't know the answer on that one.

Peace,

AO

[cobaltblue]

My soon to be exBPDw also Defriended me on Facebook. Don't take it for anything other than what it is: You've been painted black or evil. They are moving on or trying to detach to make room for the next white knight. Be happy and relieved that they are not stalking you and have let go.

[bungenstein]

Hi Narellan, my ex keeps blocking and unblocking me over and over, she's in a new relationship, all the while I'm being completely passive with NC, I really don't know why at all... .

[Narellan]

So one of the reasons I deactivated and not just blocked him was because I didn't want it to be about him. I didn't want repercussions from him if I aggravated him by blocking. So I got off. Which has been fine for me, can't say I missed it . And really I'm not his friend at all now NC so I'm ok with him deleting me. ( he did 3 times in 4 months and kept hassling me to re friend) . My question is more why would he bother when I was off his page and deactivated? And nothing at all has happened for him to be annoyed about and do it on a spare of the moment whim like the last 3 times. It's a calculated move and I'm pondering why.

[Narellan]

It's more that I don't understand defriending a deactivated person.

[LettingGo14]

It's more that I don't understand defriending a deactivated person.

You noted, "And nothing at all has happened for him to be annoyed about and do it on a spare of the moment whim like the last 3 times. It's a calculated move and I'm pondering why."

Can I ask why this is a puzzle to be solved?  I mean this gently, Narellen, not as a challenge.   It may be a question worth asking.

[Narellan]

Haha yes AO I have multiple scenarios which all involve me not saying a word. I'm NC for good now. I think I can predict him a bit more now, I know he'll be around at some stage to see me. This latest FB thing tho has surprised me a bit. I'm a bit anxious that I'm even on his radar still. And another thought just crept in" maybe he's about to post photos if me again he doesn't want me to see" that just tied my stomach in knots. We have several mutual friends so I know someone will tell me if that happens. This is a message from him, he is very smart and manipulative. I just gave to work it out. Maybe just as simple as he doesn't want me to know when he's coming back. I'm not blocked just defriended.

[Narellan]

That old anxiety is back. It's not that he defriended me. I'm glad about that. It's the why? When I wasn't on FB anymore. I would have defriended and blocked him weeks ago if I had the guts. I didn't want him to take any offence.

Now I'm nervous about what he doesn't want me to see.

And I still don't know when he's coming back. I shouldn't have looked.

[Banshee]

Hey there lady bug!  When you  deactivate your account on facebook ... your still on their list ... but it's a shadow head and name... I've deleted ppl that has went off facebook like that before... . hope that helps

[Narellan]

Letting go 14, I'm scared of him. That's my gut feeling. He's posted nude pics of me several times and it freaks me out. He stopped this when I deactivated. He didn't have my audience. So it bothers me in that I don't trust him. I know there's something going on in his head.

Because all had been quiet for so long I thought I'd slipped from his radar and I was at peace. Now I think he's sending me a message , and I'm unsure what that message is. He's hot a few narcissistic traits also. Loves to hurt people. Maybe he realised I can reactivated at any time and decided he doesn't want me to see his plans. I'm pretty uneasy about it.

[bungenstein]

Did you ever work out why she was unfriending you and friending you to begin with?

[Narellan]

Thanks banshee. I've missed you lately... Where you been ?

It may be that he got sick of looking at my silhouette then. That makes me feel better. I wish I wasn't such an over thinker 

[Narellan]

He deleted me every time he split me black which was once a month. Then wed get back and re friend. The last time I said no let's not do the FB thing, but it was a bone of contention for him because we were together he kept asking / begging. After a month I gave in and accepted. He always deleted me btw. And always sent another request. I couldn't have cared less. It's better that I'm not his friend it's a trigger for me to see him on FB. But now I've been off for a month anyway apart from a couple of sneak peeks.

[bungenstein]

Mine does the same thing, I've now blocked her on FB to put an end to it, something which went down like a lead balloon... . but we still have Instagram, and something I've noticed is, if I set my profile on Instagram to private, she completely stops posting things, as soon as I set it to public again, she immediately posts something about her new relationship, and then when I set it back to private, her relationship seemingly starts going downhill as she's liking quotes that imply that.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but everything she does (and its always been this way ever since we were together) that everything seems to be a reaction and timed so perfectly that its hard to believe its a coincidence.

[Narellan]

Yep my ex is extremely reactive . I've been with him when he's posting and he says things like " I'm going to post blah blah  that will really pi$$ them off" he gets off on aggravating people. So much conflict, he thrives on it .

He hasn't ever blocked me. And all my photos are in public setting so I can see they are all still there on his timeline. He had changed that too cos they were friends only . What is worrying me more is that I'm even on his mind at all I thought I was out of the game. I hope he's bit trying to get a reaction? He won't I won't break NC unless a nude gets posted. Arrrgh... , the sick little mind.

[Banshee]

Thanks banshee. I've missed you lately... Where you been smiley?

It may be that he got sick of looking at my silhouette then. That makes me feel better. I wish I wasn't such an over thinker  cheesy

That was so much more eloquently put than shadow head...

Ive been here ,off and on reading , but not as much ... trying to get my home summer ready  and planning a 4th of July get together to keep my mind off things... I use to love get togethers and spoiling all the guests.

OK Now the OTHER THING... .


I'm not sure if I could stand not being on his friends list if he was posting pics of me... I would be  making a fake profile to his liking so I could keep an eye on it... that's if I didn't have anyone I knew to check on it... That's just me ... as you know I'm a bit on the sneaky side which has pushed back my healing.

Did you defriend the ex friend? He may not  post pics of you because he's  now seeing the frenemy?  It breaks my heart with this double betrayal your going through :'(

[Narellan]

Thanks sweetie... . It's broken my heart too. Into a thousand prices. And more everyday .

I can still see what he posts public so no need for fake account. He didn't block me. I have 10 friends who are his friends and a few have my ph number if he posts anything of me. I'm positive my ex best friend would tell me straight away if that happens too. She's paranoid about that and that he will do that with her nude pics.

I haven't defriended it blocked anyone. It was all so overwhelming and I didn't want questions from everyone so I just deactivated my account all together.

Just back to him. If he was just sick of seeing my silhouette he wouldn't have to e through every photo of me and made them public. They're pretty much the only public photos on there!

So if anyone not his friend looks at his photos pretty much all they see is me . Weird behaviour. Then again he might not want me to contact him to ask for photos so this way I can just take them. I don't need to, I've got copies of them all.

I can just feel trouble brewing. I'm learning to listen to my gut, and I'm uneasy about this new development .

[blissful_camper]

Thanks sweetie... . It's broken my heart too. Into a thousand prices. And more everyday .

I can still see what he posts public so no need for fake account. He didn't block me. I have 10 friends who are his friends and a few have my ph number if he posts anything of me. I'm positive my ex best friend would tell me straight away if that happens too. She's paranoid about that and that he will do that with her nude pics.

I haven't defriended it blocked anyone. It was all so overwhelming and I didn't want questions from everyone so I just deactivated my account all together.

Just back to him. If he was just sick of seeing my silhouette he wouldn't have to e through every photo of me and made them public. They're pretty much the only public photos on there!

So if anyone not his friend looks at his photos pretty much all they see is me . Weird behaviour. Then again he might not want me to contact him to ask for photos so this way I can just take them. I don't need to, I've got copies of them all.

I can just feel trouble brewing. I'm learning to listen to my gut, and I'm uneasy about this new development .

I don't know why this didn't occur to me before.  It violates Facebook policy to post nude photos.  A way to get those photos offline is to report them to FB.  You'd have to research doing that but I think it's pretty easy and FB will remove them.  That policy applies not only to nudes, but any photo or content that is offensive. 

[Lion Fire]

I'm hiking through a similar thing Narellan

I'm done trying to understand my ex. I've accepted that I probably never will.

In the last week she's friend requested me on FB then blocked me immediately.

I then noticed she'd blocked me on whatsapp too. I can only think that she was offended by pics of me having fun at a music festival while she is grieving her fathers death. Who knows, she might be in great pain and needs to cut away to heal herself and deal with her Dads funeral. To be fair, she also has feelings and I respect  that. It may also be a spiteful knee jerk reaction or a game of cat and mouse. Again, I don't know and it's not my problem anymore.

I know that it does hurt at first because it symbolizes another rejection from her but I actually see it as being a blessing.

Time and space are the greatest healers and having contact (or possibilty of contact) only keeps me enmeshed in her very complicated  disordered world.

I wish you peace Narellan

[Narellan]

Thanks guys! Just to clarify there are no nudes if me on FB now. They have all been removed. Someone reported one once ( a side profile pic of my head and collarbones) but as it wasn't offensive FB didn't remove it. None of the photos are offensive. He's a professional photographer and they're tasteful , beautiful actually. And none of them show much, shadows blah blah. I have contacted a lawyer and she will write a letter on my behalf forbidding him to post anymore. I was scared when she asked his name . I said I'm not ready to take that action yet. He was quiet and has been for many weeks.

The pics that are left are mostly of my ex best friend and I, clothed shots, about 20 of them, and a few just if me on holidays with him. And one of me in his embrace laughing.

None of these have been public photos on his page before.