Therapist called him a sociopath

[Narellan]

During my T appointment yesterday my T called him a manipulative sociopath. Just wondering if this differs much from BPD ? I think he has nearly all BPD traits minus self harm, plus narcissistic tendencies.i mentioned one day something he said sounded a bit narcissist and he repeated what I said laughing. Thought it was a joke. But it didn't seem to surprise him at all that I'd said it. Like he'd heard it all before.

Anyone have any knowledge if sociopath behaviour? Given I was push/ pulled and recycled 3 times in 4 months and then replaced within 2 days of last split I still think BPD . But im going to explore this a bit more with her in the context of why this relationship has hurt me so much and why I was drawn to him like no other man I've ever been with.

[Tolou]

I think when therapists try to label our partners, there is a slippery slope... . Because in the benefit of ones health therapy is wonderful, but even gets better when we can focus on ourselves, as opposed to the "other"... . BPD is trick, because it can have a person inbetween so many different states.  Maybe he was or wasn't a sociopath, maybe he is just a troubled person who needs the type of help that you can't give him?

I used to "think" my ex had BPD, but I got to place now, where I say to myself, it just didn't work out, I deserved better, regardless of what I think they have, or they don't?

It's hard to be rejectected.  I rejected my ex, because I just couldn't take what was happening anymore, I couldn't be that "one" for her, though I feel she desperately needed me to stick by her side.  Ultimately, what I am getting at it, is I had to what was best and healthiest for me.  Should it make it any different or be of some consolation if I know what her diagnosis was when she finally went to therapy, what good does labeling people do for us? or for them for that matter.  Maybe beneficial for some who are high fucntioning and can work off of something concrete, but for most, labels are stigmatizing.  Working on why you were with or attracted to someone with all these various characteristics is more beneficial in my opinion then trying to find a label.

[Narellan]

Yes I wholeheartedly agree . But lots of my healing has come from understanding the disorder and accepting that it wasn't a deliberate act to destroy me. I was a tad frightened when she used that word, it sounds so much worse than BPD

I am curious about it tho. That's just an interest nothing more. I dont really care to label him, just understand him. I agree with you in time it just gets easier to say " he was the wrong one for me " and I'm almost getting to that stage now lots of days. Sometimes ill admit I was encouraged to know he might recycle me again, in the initial grief. But now 2 months out, I'm glad he didn't try, and I now won't allow it. I find any information that can be used as a tool helpful.

[antjs]

Narellan I understand your confusion and that you want to know the diagnosis of your ex-partner to avoid the shame and to wash your hands. You are desperately in need to feel that it was not your fault (AND IT IS NOT !). Healthy relationships do not take up all your mind and thoughts this way cause in a healthy relationship your healthy partner has the empathy and is selfless enough to sit and discuss what are the conflicts in a human adult way. Other than that i find it selfish. His\her diagnosis is not important. Be ok with labeling it an abusive relationship and that it is not healthy for you. BPD is always co-existing with other disorders such as narcissism, anti-social, abandonment and intimacy issues. It is even hard for a therapist to diagnose which disorder is major and which is minor. You have to work on yourself more now. ask questions about yourself. why did i act so in that particular situation ? why did i put up and was patient with all this mess ? you deserve better.

[Narellan]

Wow, your first few sentences really touched a nerve because tears just came out of nowhere. I don't know why that upsets me, logically I know it's not my fault. It was just really hard to read that. I have been on this site for 4 days 9 hours which equates to 105 hours, going over and over this mess. And while I feel I've learned heaps and know what my plan of action  is, I'm still just as profoundly sad at the failure of it.

Thanks for sharing . I've got a long way to go yet, I can see.

[antjs]

Wow, your first few sentences really touched a nerve because tears just came out of nowhere. I don't know why that upsets me, logically I know it's not my fault. It was just really hard to read that. I have been on this site for 4 days 9 hours which equates to 105 hours, going over and over this mess. And while I feel I've learned heaps and know what my plan of action  is, I'm still just as profoundly sad at the failure of it.

Thanks for sharing . I've got a long way to go yet, I can see.

what i have written is out of experience i learned it the hard way. I used to take advice from friends who had similar situations in past abusive relationships and from this board and even my therapist. Let me tell you that seeking the opinion of anyone that it was not your fault will last only temporarily. You have to be sure from within. this is usually hard at first because you have been manipulated. emotional and mental manipulation are so powerful. some psychologists agree that mental and emotional abuse are more tormenting than physical abuse. and yes the manipulation can last for some time even after maintaining no contact with your ex. you have been subjected to a lot gaslighting (search the term) and you have been doubting your sanity and normalcy. All these emotions are just temporary and it will go away. Spending some time with an abnormal person normally will likely transmit some craziness in your head but it will go away take care of yourself

[Want2know]

I agree with the others that labeling may not be useful sometimes (and that your therapist was a bit out of line making that comment without meeting your ex), and wanted to point out that many folks equate the term 'sociopath' with Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD), which can be co-morbid with BPD.

There is a good thread on our Questions board that goes into a bit more detail, as well as information from the Mayo Clinic, regarding ASPD (just for your information):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=156878.0



Antisocial personality disorder signs and symptoms may include:

   - Disregard for right and wrong

   - Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others

   - Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or for sheer personal pleasure

   - Intense egocentrism, sense of superiority and exhibitionism

   - Recurring difficulties with the law

   - Repeatedly violating the rights of others by the use of intimidation, dishonesty and misrepresentation

   - Child abuse or neglect

   - Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, impulsiveness, aggression or violence

   - Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others

   - Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behaviors

   - Poor or abusive relationships

   - Irresponsible work behavior

   - Failure to learn from the negative consequences of behavior

From: www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20027920

[going places]

Narellan I understand your confusion and that you want to know the diagnosis of your ex-partner to avoid the shame and to wash your hands. You are desperately in need to feel that it was not your fault (AND IT IS NOT !). Healthy relationships do not take up all your mind and thoughts this way cause in a healthy relationship your healthy partner has the empathy and is selfless enough to sit and discuss what are the conflicts in a human adult way. Other than that i find it selfish. His\her diagnosis is not important.

Be ok with labeling it an abusive relationship and that it is not healthy for you.

BPD is always co-existing with other disorders such as narcissism, anti-social, abandonment and intimacy issues. It is even hard for a therapist to diagnose which disorder is major and which is minor.

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.

You have to work on yourself more now. ask questions about yourself. why did i act so in that particular situation ? why did i put up and was patient with all this mess ? you deserve better.

This is quite possibly the most brilliant post, ever posted, in the history, of posts.

This is bang on right.

AS SOON as you to take your focus OFF of your abuser, and put that focus and energy on YOU and YOUR healing... . that is when the healing begins, and the abuser begins to fade out of your mind, heart and soul. And it is so freeing. SO FREEING!

[AimingforMastery]

Well said Going Places... .    re: "As soon as... . "

[Narellan]

Thanks guys, there's lots I took from your posts.

And want to know thanks heaps for the links, they really helped and I learned a lot.

It helps me to get some clarity about his actions. If I can understand and empathise a bit it helps me detach and not feel responsible. It's soothing in a way when I recognise he fits ALL the criteria for BPD and most of sociopath. I now need to explore my part in this, and why I was so drawn to him. I'm starting on that path with my T next week. I've been able to let go a lot of pain as I get some answers. And realise I'm not a failure.

I've enjoyed reading everyone thoughts. Thank you all. X

[AimingforMastery]

Narellan - you are NOT a failure. NO way.

To be on here and learning and reading... .

Bravo!