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Author Topic: Failing  (Read 533 times)
zenwexler
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« on: May 14, 2014, 10:05:26 PM »

I know i'm doing this to myself. I know it's on me now. I am just so irritated! I sent her a picture of a dolphin. She loves sea life. What does she say? That I need new shoes. I was like haha uh ok. I got plenty of shoes.  she then said:

"you always have to make your point, ah, somethings never change. I don't know how we ever lasted as long as we did with all the fights. You have to admit, we were not good together."

Like really? All that because I sent her a freaking text of a cute dolphin. And then she wants to put on me saying I haven't changed? It makes me just want to scream.

One side of me wants to just say nothing, ignore her forever. The other side of me wants to say

"we stayed together because once upon a time we cared about each other. But now that has passed, We've moved on, and quite frankly I don't really enjoy this friendship much either. Then just go NC... . for REAL this time.
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2014, 11:11:26 PM »

Ugh.  I'm sorry.  I know what that's like.  That overwhelming urge to make contact.  Then you do and the response just makes you feel worse. 

"Forever" is a long time.  It helps me to take it one day at a time. 
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zenwexler
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« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2014, 11:27:22 PM »

But I'm not crazy right? Like I didn't do anything? She has this amazing talent of making me feel like I'm in the wrong. Saying things like I always have to prove my point. I haven't changed. It really hurts. Because all I do is try
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corraline
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« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2014, 12:59:28 AM »

You r not crazy but expecting a positive exchange when in a relationship with a person who may b disordered is certainly not going to produce sane results during a period of high conflict unfortunately.

8 (
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Narellan
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« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2014, 01:19:19 AM »

Maybe it's easier to ask yourself what response were you hoping for? Given you are on the leaving board and have split with her and trying LC, what prompted you to send her a dolphin pic? Like Emilie said its so hard not to reach out because we feel the need for that old connection we once shared, but her reaction indicates you crossed a boundary for her maybe? She was uncomfortable to receive that type of text and she's pushing you away.

Maybe do what you said and just go NC for a while, no need to tell her this or make a big deal about it. You have split up, maybe trying to maintain a friendship of any kind is just too difficult at this point.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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sirhero
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« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2014, 01:55:41 AM »

Zen, what is it exactly that you want? I see you're posting on Both the Undecided and Detaching board and are posting the same things in each post that you have up. I believe I read before you are in therapy? Are you still talking to your therapist? You gotta focus on yourself man and stop worrying about every contact you have with her, because its obviously not doing you any good. I'm sorry if I am coming off as blunt. I know it hurts and it's tough, but you need to make a decision and stick with it for your own sake.

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Lion Fire
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« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2014, 06:28:11 AM »

her response should only confirm that she is not a healthy and safe person for you to be in a relationship with. I mean, if an innocent and well intentioned image of a dolphin sets off that kind of response, it is obvious that you are dealing with a person who is not in a balanced mental state.

These types of replies from my ex after friendly messages have strengthened my resolve to detach from her completely and move on.

Look after yourself

Peace
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2014, 09:40:53 AM »

No Honey... . you're not crazy.  The dynamic is crazy.  I have those desperate feelings to reconnect.  Like if I don't do something RIGHT NOW I will lose him forever.  I miss him so much and I start to panic.  I am not telling you to stop contacting her.  That's up to you.  We don't need any more shame than we're already feeling.  I can tell you that every single time I reached out to him from that place... . that crazy desperate place... . I got either no response or a response that made me feel MUCH worse than I already did.  EVERY time.  And yes... . those responses were often "crazy".  So yes, as Narellen said; maybe it would be helpful to think about what kind of response you're hoping for.  Before you connect think about what you're hoping she'll do or say.  Then you can assess the odds, if you will, of getting that type of response.  Sadly they're usually not good.  I thought my exBF was NEVER coming back to me.  When I finally started to let go he started initiating contact.  That didn't lead to a good result but my point is it puts you in a more powerful position.  It's easier to assess the relationship and your needs from that position.

Zen this is really hard stuff.  We are all here for you. 

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zenwexler
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« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2014, 11:35:41 AM »

"her response should only confirm that she is not a healthy and safe person for you to be in a relationship with. I mean, if an innocent and well intentioned image of a dolphin sets off that kind of response, it is obvious that you are dealing with a person who is not in a balanced mental state."

I'm so grateful for that outside perspective. Like I said her crazy and chaos make me feel like I'm the crazy one. I try and try and try. She tells me I haven't changed yet that's all I have done. When we dated before I knew about BPD I used to fight back. Now I just absorb her abuse and roll with it and she tells me I haven't changed? It just hurts so much. I know this girl is toxic, unbalanced, bad news. But I still love her. All I was expecting out of the exchange was a simple aww that's awesome. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just a simple pleasant exchange. Not her all of a sudden calling me out and my shoes and  our old relationship and how i haven't changed a bit.

I'm going to send this then just try and walk away from the situation

"I'm sorry you felt that way that I was like trying to argue or prove my point. I really wasn't. I think things just got lost in translation through text. One of the drawbacks of only speaking through texts!

I really was just trying to send you a trailer about a movie that I thought you would like about how terrible sea world is and a picture of a dolphin and how my area is really conscious of marine life. All things I think you would appreciate  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2014, 11:44:34 AM »

I'm going to send this then just try and walk away from the situation

"I'm sorry you felt that way that I was like trying to argue or prove my point. I really wasn't. I think things just got lost in translation through text. One of the drawbacks of only speaking through texts!

I really was just trying to send you a trailer about a movie that I thought you would like about how terrible sea world is and a picture of a dolphin and how my area is really conscious of marine life. All things I think you would appreciate  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Just to push you a bit: what would be the purpose of sending this message?  Specifically, why send this rather than nothing?  What would be the goal you were trying to accomplish in sending this?

Also, these break-ups are a good time to start being true to ourselves.  Sometimes we don't even realize the degree to which we are "walking on eggshells." For example, do you really think things were "lost in translation through text?" Or do you think she was being intentionally cruel?  If it's the latter, then this is a good time to challenge yourself to respect yourself enough not to suggest to her that it was the former. 

I'll tell you that I often sent texts exactly like this even though I didn't truly believe them to be true.  I can't remember ever feeling better after sending one.  That doesn't mean that you won't, but challenge yourself to see if this is really a message you believe. 
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zenwexler
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« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2014, 11:51:18 AM »

No thank you. You're right. I think my purpose is to show her that I'm strong enough to handle her chaos. That I have changed. That no matter what she throws at me I'm still standing and that if she pushes me no matter how hard I won't push back because I know the sick side of her wants that. It's like I go from wanting to send that text and completely telling her off! But If I cal her out then she'll just paint me blacker then black.
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2014, 11:57:08 AM »

No thank you. You're right. I think my purpose is to show her that I'm strong enough to handle her chaos. That I have changed. That no matter what she throws at me I'm still standing and that if she pushes me no matter how hard I won't push back because I know the sick side of her wants that. It's like I go from wanting to send that text and completely telling her off! But If I cal her out then she'll just paint me blacker then black.

I think you have a good grasp on this.  Let's say there there's a world in which she understands that you're "strong enough to handle your chaos" (I would argue that that world doesn't exist, as she others not for what they are in all their complexity but through the lens of her own needs, but I'll leave that for later).

So, let's say there's this world.  And let's say she understands your strength.  Two possibilities:

1) She will make greater attempts (conscious or otherwise) to break it. You will end up feeling bad. 

2) She will ignore you.  In fact, this might just be a variation of 1. 

My point is: when you want to establish contact, ask yourself: "then what?"  For example, "she'll know how strong I am.  Then what?"  If the answer to "then what" seems likely to be unpleasant, then maybe the contact is ill-advised. 
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zenwexler
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« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2014, 12:00:23 PM »

I mean you're right. Every time Im nice to her she tries to come at me harder then the last.

And I guess the then what is the hope that after so mdny attempts she'll be like "wow, he's not who I thought he was, he really is a great guy" Smiling (click to insert in post)
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zenwexler
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« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2014, 12:28:33 PM »

So she texted me making fun of my Facebook status. Suprise suprise. So I figured I'd just send my message. Her response?

"Yeeeesss I know. Are you sure you don't want to get back together?"

Me: haven't we had this conversation before?

Her: yeah I just want to make sure.
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zenwexler
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« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2014, 12:50:41 PM »

Yes I told her no though, that you have a bf.

She said she is falling for her new guy. Suprise surpsie. She has ''fallen'' for every guy she has ever dated!

She asked because she just wants to make sure that I don't want to get back together. That there's not a doubt that she doesn't want to get back together with me.

So then it's like uhhh ok, then stop texting me!
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2014, 08:00:03 PM »

Seriously how old is this girl?  She sounds like a teenager.
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #16 on: May 15, 2014, 08:10:31 PM »

Seriously how old is this girl?  She sounds like a teenager.

In terms of her emotional development, she's much younger than that.

Keep track of this thread so you can remind yourself of it next time you think about texting her a dolphin Smiling (click to insert in post).
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zenwexler
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« Reply #17 on: May 15, 2014, 08:13:06 PM »

Emelie I love you. That made me smile! And so did yours Backnthsaddle!  I needed that considering I was crying all day today. Man enough to admit it!  She's twenty. She is a child. I know. She sucks me in! She acts like a 10 year old! She had a melt down when she wanted ice cream when we were dating. I'm talking serious melt down like you better pull over and get me ice-cream otherwise I'm going to lose it... . we were on the highway... .

I have done this so many times. But I read it takes roughly six times to finally pull away from an abusive/BPD partner. And here we go, this is my 6th time. Although I am doing this for real this time. I am going to need a ton of support. I am going to delete her from my facebook, remove her pictures. And block her number. She finally even admitted to me that she is mean to me. She claims she does it because she thinks I still have feelings for her so she gets defensive. Such BS. She also told me she's falling for her new guy. Oh yeah? then why are you texting me all the time!

It ends now. She doesn't know what love is, she won't for a very long time if ever. She doesn't know how to have a healthy and happy relationship. It's over. I tried, and I tried and I tried. I literally did everything for her. When she would attack me I absorbed it like a champ. She just pushed harder. She would try and paint me black, convince herself that I'm not good. I would just roll with it. Be sweet and nice, literally just killing her with kindess. It only made her more mean! She's the definition of crazy. The definition of walking on eggshells, the definition of I hate you don't leave me.

But I am leaving. I can't live like this anymore. It's time for me to listen to my friends, family, therapist, and you fine people. You all tell me she's crazy, abusive, not nice. You all tell me she will never change, that she's not happy and never will be, no matter who she's dating. You all tell me to get out while I still can.

Her crazy has made me feel crazy for too long.  And I worked to darn hard to become the man that I am today. I've been through way too much in this world. I have suffered a ton. And I will not be brought down any more. I won't let this girl, this 20 year old child who has no perception of reality make me feel like I am crazy. That I am worthless, unlovable, that it's my fault she treats me the way she does. Even when she admits to being mean to me. It does matter, even her self-awareness doesn't help her change. I'm not the hopeless one. I'm not the sick one, I'm not the crazy one, the abusive one. SHE IS. And it's time I step down of this roller coaster once and for all.

You're support, words of wisdom, and advice are always much much appreciated. Thank you all so much.
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Narellan
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« Reply #18 on: May 15, 2014, 08:30:52 PM »

Zen I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. It's good that you have come to a conclusion, and in my experience once you do, the grief really hits the hardest. Cry as much as you need to. Let it out and feel how much pain this relationship has caused you. You are at a turning point now, and things will start to improve for you every day. Know you're not alone in this and keep posting. We are all in this together, and we understand and support you. Take care. 
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