Hugging a Wet Noodle

[mom2bpd]

  As I've written before, I've been on low contact with my uBPD for 2 months.  During this time I had not seen her or my granddaughter.  This weekend I saw them both and her  uBPD husband quite by coincidence... nothing planned.  When I went to hug her she was like hugging a Wet Noodle.  He became stiff acting and just held his hand out... . LOL. I hugged my granddaughter but she was worried that her uBPd mother would be upset with her. I was hoping that the low contact was mostly over, but this... . incident let me know the level of frustration is still high. So I'm resigned to low contact for a while and only sad about not seeing my granddaughter. Is it the depression that makes the uBPD like that when u hug them?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

mom2BPD

I will tell you getting a hug from my dd is pretty rare and if I try to hug her which I do I get that same respnse you did. You can tell she is uncomfortable. My dd has always been this way and it is not something I focus on or take personally. It make those times when she does hug me so much more special.

Give them some time mom2BPD... . keep your distance but look for ways to stay connected.

[mom2bpd]

  jellibeans, how can I stay connected when she doesn't want me to stay connected?  I've tried in small ways by leaving little things at their door.  I'm running outta ideas though.

[pessim-optimist]

Our experience is that of stiffness rather than a 'wet noodle' type reaction. Needless to say, it's not your natural happy body-language... .

how can I stay connected when she doesn't want me to stay connected?  I've tried in small ways by leaving little things at their door.  I'm running outta ideas though.

Right now, she might feel overwhelmed by your attempts at connecting... . Sometimes they need time. I know, it's heart-wrenching... . it takes patience. All you need to do is to keep the door open: let her know that you want to be there for her and that you are going to be happy to hear from her. And then comes the wait. 

It is individual. My step-daughter for example usually operates on 6 week - 3 month patterns if she goes NC. So, we send her an 'open the door' message and leave her alone unless there is a holiday or a birthday etc. In such cases we send a greeting/presents for kids.

Missing the grandkids is the hardest part... .

[jellibeans]

mom2BPD

I do think it is a fine line you have to walk... . not trying too hard to connect and giving her space but still letting her know you are there for her. I do think it is different for everyone... . for myself I would look at how I could help my dd... If I was making dinner for myself I might make an extra dinner for her and drop it at her door with a small note saying... . was thinking of you today and know this is your favorite dinner so I made an extra with you... . hope all is well with you... .

You think doing that once in a while would help? Adding a small note acknowledging how hard it must be to a mom and hoping this meal helped make her job easier?

That is what I might do... . it doesn't have to be big. If I was out shopping and saw something on sale... . maybe in her favorite color etc... . I might buy it for her... . it really is more of an individual kind of thing... .

I do agree that giving her space right now is good... . the more you push and more she will withdraw so only do these small things occassionally... . wish I had some better advise... . it must be so hard but I do believe things have a way of changing with people with BPD... . they are always in a state of change... . be patient... .

[MammaMia]

When I try to hug my 40 yo BPDs, he pushes me away.  This has been his reaction since he was around 8 or so.  If I ask why he avoids physical contact with me, he says, my showing affection toward him is fake because I really do not love him.  Ouch.  Of course, trying to convince him otherwise is usually futile.   

Does anyone else experience this?  Only rarely will he allow me to touch him, usually when it is in public and expected, like at a funeral.

He also says we have never had a "deep, meaningful discussion" about anything.  It is very difficult to have a serious conversation with him.  He seems to want closeness but blocks any attempts to actually achieve it.

[foggydew]

My BPD person is not comfortable with physical contact ... he used to actively flinch if touched, no matter by whom. However, he now sometimes initiates hugging.

[chooselove]

My BPD has let me hug her twice in 3 years. I would love to hug her, feel her and hold her but I stopped asking since the last hug was over 2 years ago and it probably was allowed to happen only because it was so spontaneous that she couldn't stop it in time.

[tristesse]

my BPDD does not like physical contact either... . she will let other people hug her or touch her, for instance her son, or her grandmother, but if I or any other member of our household try to hug her, she flinches and stiffens up. If you ask her why, she says " That's just weird ".  Other times she wails like a small child, screaming why, but it  is a prolonged whhhhhhyyyyyy, like a whiny child. She is 30, not 12. I think it is just part of BPD, and I try not to let it bother me.