spending too much time on this board, bad idea ?

[antjs]

i am obsessed by this board. i spend most of my day on this board. I do not have a lot of friends at the current moment. Anyway, nobody is relating to what i am going through, maybe only my therapist. I feel overwhelmed by what did happen to me. I can not find joy back in my life. i feel like i belong here. only you people understand what i am going through. is this healthy ? what shall i do ? i am making an ok progress to get over her. but i am not doing good in probing into myself to understand my own behavior and correct it.

[Forestaken]

I understand you completely.  10 years ago, I was being abused physically and emotionally abused by my uBPD+dOCD+xw.  I had zero support, X controlled everything I did. from my employer's work schedule (demanding that unless I approach my employer to change my hours h-ll will rise up), no money-even though I was the sole earner, no access to my bank cards, no cell-phone, no access to my friends or family.

BPD family was my only support system through those tough years. I would check responses to my postings throughout the day.  Nothing wrong with you.  You need support, we all do, I did.  I would have never made it without this site.

BTW: My D started May 2012 - it was finalized 6 days ago.

[cacanpoint]

Dear Forestaken,

I found myself asking the same question…if it's healthy or not spending so much time here and trying to find the reasons, to rationalize etc… In the end (i'm separated since the end of january), i think that this "BPD family" is really helpfull. Be patient, after a while, you will come less often. Sometimes, you may also fall back and come everyday again. But the important is that you don't feel alone when you're having a rough time and that is really helpfull.

Please, take care of yourself, do whatever your brain needs you to do to get over your pain.

I really hope you will be better soon !

(sorry if my english is not very accurate, i'm french)

[LettingGo14]

i am obsessed by this board. i spend most of my day on this board. I do not have a lot of friends at the current moment. Anyway, nobody is relating to what i am going through, maybe only my therapist. I feel overwhelmed by what did happen to me. I can not find joy back in my life. i feel like i belong here. only you people understand what i am going through. is this healthy ? what shall i do ? i am making an ok progress to get over her. but i am not doing good in probing into myself to understand my own behavior and correct it.

Give yourself a break, antony_james.  Be compassionate to yourself.   You are doing the work now to probe into yourself.  It's a process, not an on/off switch.  For reference:

Benefits of participating in support groups

Most of us come here when things are at their worst. It's a relief to find that others struggle with the same experiences and heartaches. There is so much more that can be obtained though, by reading and posting with us during the good times, and not just the bad. The Mayo Clinic has this to say about support groups:

Benefits of participating in support groups may include:

    * Feeling less lonely, isolated or judged

    * Gaining a sense of empowerment and control

    * Improved coping skills and adjustment

    * An opportunity to talk openly and honestly about your feelings

    * Reduction in distress, depression or anxiety

    * A clearer understanding of what to expect with your situation

    * Learning about new medical research

    * Getting practical advice or information about treatment options

    * Comparing notes about resources, such as doctors and alternative options

www.mayoclinic.com/health/support-groups/MH00002

[corraline]

I've worried about that too.  I also don't have alot of friends or people i can talk to that understand. I make the mistake of talking to family members that get angry with me for still feeling bad. 

This is a safe place.  Be here , be here alot, do what you need to do to get healthy .

[antjs]

i dont take breaks. i spend my days drinking coffee, smoking cigs and reading. i am overwhelmed. i search for answers now about her and about me 24\7. i am sure that she has BPD even my therapist diagnosed her with so. i dont take breaks. i dont find passion in anything. i dont watch tv. i dont do what i used to do before meeting her which was already wrong because it was like pain-killers. i avoided sitting with myself to resolve my own issues all life long. I lost friends who travelled abroad due to my country's situation. i did not make new friends. i lost my passion to guitar and gym. i have been so negative in my life. i did some accomplishments but i didnt appreciate myself during such successful events. i have always turned to alcohol and temporary happiness. she got into my life during my peak of vulnerability and i had the hope that finally i will find happiness with someone. she crashed me even further. she was very aware of my vulnerability. i was so desperate that i have moved in with her after only one week. its not the only grieve of the break up. it is the shock of waking up to my own life now. i feel helpless. i dont know from where to start. i dont know how to arrange the steps of healing. i still need my friends during these hard times. they still turn me down. i dont feel any love. i just need a freaking break of my own thoughts. i need to not be hard on myself now. i know i cant fix a life long traumas in only couple of weeks but i am overwhelmed. i am really lost.

[Surnia]

Hi antony_james

My thoughts are that the board is okay - and it would be great you could step by step add something away from keyboard. Moving the body regularly is a great helper to silence a bit your brain thinking about BPD. What about back to exercise gym?

Going through difficult breakups is a challenge and its important to keep your brain busy too. Some members are doing Sudokus or they start to learn a new language.

In the beginning it may be difficult - once you get started it gets easier.

Hang in there! 

[Mutt]

i dont take breaks. i spend my days drinking coffee, smoking cigs and reading. i am overwhelmed. i search for answers now about her and about me 24\7. i am sure that she has BPD even my therapist diagnosed her with so. i dont take breaks. i dont find passion in anything. i dont watch tv. i dont do what i used to do before meeting her which was already wrong because it was like pain-killers. i avoided sitting with myself to resolve my own issues all life long. I lost friends who travelled abroad due to my country's situation. i did not make new friends. i lost my passion to guitar and gym. i have been so negative in my life. i did some accomplishments but i didnt appreciate myself during such successful events. i have always turned to alcohol and temporary happiness. she got into my life during my peak of vulnerability and i had the hope that finally i will find happiness with someone. she crashed me even further. she was very aware of my vulnerability. i was so desperate that i have moved in with her after only one week. its not the only grieve of the break up. it is the shock of waking up to my own life now. i feel helpless. i dont know from where to start. i dont know how to arrange the steps of healing. i still need my friends during these hard times. they still turn me down. i dont feel any love. i just need a freaking break of my own thoughts. i need to not be hard on myself now. i know i cant fix a life long traumas in only couple of weeks but i am overwhelmed. i am really lost.

I can relate to this. I'd like to start by saying though, stay away from drugs and alcohol.

I drank a lot of coffee. I smoked a lot of cigarettes. I researched a lot on BPD. I felt a lot of anxiety and I was getting panic attacks because I didn't feel comfortable by myself at home. TV, movies, reading books were not appealing and I was not interested in them. I didn't talk to friends or family. I was processing a 7 year relationship, I was hurt by the abrupt and unsympathetic break-up and having the affair and entire failed marriage projected on me. It's really tough antony_james.   The person that I was right after the break-up was much different than the man before, I was a lot less anxious, but it tapered off after a few weeks. It took time to process the trauma, but I was OK.

How often are you talking to your T, weekly, bi-weekly? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you feel the need to talk to a doctor, for anxiety or any other concerns? I was talking to a T once a week, then a P and I was using the boards in between, I went to a doctor regarding panic attacks and my health concerns. I made sure to get help when I felt like I couldn't manage with my physical and mental health outside of the boards.

[antjs]

i dont take breaks. i spend my days drinking coffee, smoking cigs and reading. i am overwhelmed. i search for answers now about her and about me 24\7. i am sure that she has BPD even my therapist diagnosed her with so. i dont take breaks. i dont find passion in anything. i dont watch tv. i dont do what i used to do before meeting her which was already wrong because it was like pain-killers. i avoided sitting with myself to resolve my own issues all life long. I lost friends who travelled abroad due to my country's situation. i did not make new friends. i lost my passion to guitar and gym. i have been so negative in my life. i did some accomplishments but i didnt appreciate myself during such successful events. i have always turned to alcohol and temporary happiness. she got into my life during my peak of vulnerability and i had the hope that finally i will find happiness with someone. she crashed me even further. she was very aware of my vulnerability. i was so desperate that i have moved in with her after only one week. its not the only grieve of the break up. it is the shock of waking up to my own life now. i feel helpless. i dont know from where to start. i dont know how to arrange the steps of healing. i still need my friends during these hard times. they still turn me down. i dont feel any love. i just need a freaking break of my own thoughts. i need to not be hard on myself now. i know i cant fix a life long traumas in only couple of weeks but i am overwhelmed. i am really lost.

I can relate to this. I'd like to start by saying though, stay away from drugs and alcohol.

I drank a lot of coffee. I smoked a lot of cigarettes. I researched a lot on BPD. I felt a lot of anxiety and I was getting panic attacks because I didn't feel comfortable by myself at home. TV, movies, reading books were not appealing and I was not interested in them. I didn't talk to friends or family. I was processing a 7 year relationship, I was hurt by the abrupt and unsympathetic break-up and having the affair and entire failed marriage projected on me. It's really tough antony_james.   The person that I was right after the break-up was much different than the man before, I was a lot less anxious, but it tapered off after a few weeks. It took time to process the trauma, but I was OK.

How often are you talking to your T, weekly, bi-weekly? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you feel the need to talk to a doctor, for anxiety or any other concerns? I was talking to a T once a week, then a P and I was using the boards in between, I went to a doctor regarding panic attacks and my health concerns. I made sure to get help when I felt like I couldn't manage with my physical and mental health outside of the boards.

i am talking to a therapist weekly. the session is very good. the therapist makes me feel that he can relate but the problem is just seeing some one for only one hour per week who can relate is not enough. I understand what you have been through cause it was 7 years. mine lasted only 2 months ! but was too intense. how can i be affected by such a short period of time ! how did i even accept during the relationship before all the craziness to be with someone who is divorced (i have never been married), from different religion (it matters here) and who had ___ing 2 abortions. in addition to zillions of exs and a lot of sexual partners.

[Mutt]

i dont take breaks. i spend my days drinking coffee, smoking cigs and reading. i am overwhelmed. i search for answers now about her and about me 24\7. i am sure that she has BPD even my therapist diagnosed her with so. i dont take breaks. i dont find passion in anything. i dont watch tv. i dont do what i used to do before meeting her which was already wrong because it was like pain-killers. i avoided sitting with myself to resolve my own issues all life long. I lost friends who travelled abroad due to my country's situation. i did not make new friends. i lost my passion to guitar and gym. i have been so negative in my life. i did some accomplishments but i didnt appreciate myself during such successful events. i have always turned to alcohol and temporary happiness. she got into my life during my peak of vulnerability and i had the hope that finally i will find happiness with someone. she crashed me even further. she was very aware of my vulnerability. i was so desperate that i have moved in with her after only one week. its not the only grieve of the break up. it is the shock of waking up to my own life now. i feel helpless. i dont know from where to start. i dont know how to arrange the steps of healing. i still need my friends during these hard times. they still turn me down. i dont feel any love. i just need a freaking break of my own thoughts. i need to not be hard on myself now. i know i cant fix a life long traumas in only couple of weeks but i am overwhelmed. i am really lost.

I can relate to this. I'd like to start by saying though, stay away from drugs and alcohol.

I drank a lot of coffee. I smoked a lot of cigarettes. I researched a lot on BPD. I felt a lot of anxiety and I was getting panic attacks because I didn't feel comfortable by myself at home. TV, movies, reading books were not appealing and I was not interested in them. I didn't talk to friends or family. I was processing a 7 year relationship, I was hurt by the abrupt and unsympathetic break-up and having the affair and entire failed marriage projected on me. It's really tough antony_james.   The person that I was right after the break-up was much different than the man before, I was a lot less anxious, but it tapered off after a few weeks. It took time to process the trauma, but I was OK.

How often are you talking to your T, weekly, bi-weekly? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you feel the need to talk to a doctor, for anxiety or any other concerns? I was talking to a T once a week, then a P and I was using the boards in between, I went to a doctor regarding panic attacks and my health concerns. I made sure to get help when I felt like I couldn't manage with my physical and mental health outside of the boards.

i am talking to a therapist weekly. the session is very good. the therapist makes me feel that he can relate but the problem is just seeing some one for only one hour per week who can relate is not enough. I understand what you have been through cause it was 7 years. mine lasted only 2 months ! but was too intense. how can i be affected by such a short period of time ! how did i even accept during the relationship before all the craziness to be with someone who is divorced (i have never been married), from different religion (it matters here) and who hading 2 abortions. in addition to zillions of exs and a lot of sexual partners.

The  's where there in the beginning for mine, things really started to escalate about 1 and a half years. I stayed because I had a child with her.

You're anxious, and feel guilt and shame that this was a short relationship, with a tremendous psychological impact. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this   I don't think you can measure the pain, with the length of time with someone else's relationship.

You say that you have spent a lot of time on the boards, have you read this article? TOOLS: Radical Acceptance for family members

[Eric1]

I thought the same. It would make matters worse if you didn't use this site. You have to be at a stage when you're tired of talking about her, tired of researching and questioning yourself!

I still google 'abusive relationships' and try and find videos on YouTube. I still message here & I'm in contact with a passed member who used to use this site.

If you notice my posts, they stopped for a while, because I was at a stage of when I had nothing left to say or think about it. I was moving on! Then, she appeared as she always does & look who's back on here... . me! Not her! She's gone back to my replacement , whilst I'm left questioning everything again! Pining for her & wondering if I'll ever meet anyone like her again.

I will meet someone new, and so will you.  Someone who will love us for who we are. Our lives won't be a constant battle, but it will take time!

You just need to chill and let the process take it's course.  We have time.

[LettingGo14]

i just need a freaking break of my own thoughts. i need to not be hard on myself now. i know i cant fix a life long traumas in only couple of weeks but i am overwhelmed. i am really lost.

You are aware of things, so you are not "lost."   Lost, if I might say so, means completely in the dark.

I use meditation to meet emotions, and give myself space.  Good books for consideration include:  "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron and "True Refuge" by Tara Brach.   

[Mutt]

2010

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

To be whole, let yourself break.

To be straight, let yourself bend.

To be full, let yourself be empty.

To be new, let yourself wear out.

"suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard these both as facts of life"

I can't find the non-printed page. I leaned into the pain antony_james, lean into it, you'll be OK.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164558.0;wap2

[Aussie JJ]

Hey Anthony,

I am still in that place of darkness, at the moment I'm on the happy side of the fence but I'm on a rollercoaster still.  When it goes to the top of the loop and I get to see that other side with her and BPD I loose my.  

To put it in perspective... .

I had a mini episode yesterday for about an hour.  I have had about 4-5 really good days and yesterday I woke up in a puddle of sweat, checked the whole house apart from the room where she hit me before I kicked her out, when I get there it always gets worse.  Then I put my clothes and shoes on and left the house, this time I had clothes on before I had to get away.  I don't talk about this with my P actively, the extent of how bad I was even makes me uncomfortable, my P helped me a lot to understand but even now I don't know how I was this bad.  Now I know my house is my castle and no-one can take away or destroy my castle.  I used to hate coming home to my own house... .

One thing my P got into me early on along with on here was look after myself, quit smoking, quit drinking, exercise properly.  I thought it was all a load of bull until I started to get 'better'.  

Better for me consists of thinking of my son smiling and destroying a cardboard box and making a cubby house.  I couldn't even get happy thoughts in my head in the past, I couldn't play with him without having fear of her.  

Last night, I had to make sure that she wasn't in the house.  After about 30-45 minutes I returned, this is good for me.  Previously I had just stayed up the whole night unable to return.  

Then I was able to calm down.  This for me, waking up in my sleep and unable to control the anxiety, pure fear was a huge problem.  I would see her handwritting and it would get me anxious and set me in a rumination cycle.  

I can't tell you how much better I am today but it was bloody hard working on my issues in the relationship and going through 3 years of constant abuse and 1 year of constant push pull and unable to break that pattern myself for a second time reliving it all in my head and not denying it.  

It took me two goes to write about the above.  I remember writing about it in a post and then deleting it as I didn't want to post it even on an anon forum.  That is how much shame I had directed at myself for being like that.  

Thing is I don't understand emotional abuse but Mike Tyson couldn't do anywhere near the damage that she did to me.  He would get 12 rounds and the ref would stop it when the contest was unfair.  Realise their was no referee with your relationship,  you had 2 months of CONSTANT abuse that only stopped when you had been sucked dry by a parasitic mental disease.  

[Aussie JJ]

Basically mate,

I have read people saying they camped out their old hangouts and saw the ex with the replacement.  Facebook updates.  Getting messages on snapchat all of the above and I'm sure there are worse. 

When I started confronting the worst of it the rest got easier.  At the moment your confronting the worst of your stuff and point is, we get it.  Don't be sorry. 

I know that tomorrow or the day after ill be on here reading through posts to calm myself or put something in perspective.  Whatever works for you don't feel like any less of a person for having feelings and caring. 

I still love my ex, I know I always will but I can NEVER act on that because of the BPD.  That is the hardest thing to understand, and I don't understand but I will accept my feelings for her and not be angry at myself over this. 

[LettingGo14]

When I started confronting the worst of it the rest got easier.  At the moment your confronting the worst of your stuff and point is, we get it.  Don't be sorry. 

I know that tomorrow or the day after ill be on here reading through posts to calm myself or put something in perspective.  Whatever works for you don't feel like any less of a person for having feelings and caring. 

I still love my ex, I know I always will but I can NEVER act on that because of the BPD.  That is the hardest thing to understand, and I don't understand but I will accept my feelings for her and not be angry at myself over this. 

Well stated, AussieJJ.   Very well stated.  Thank you for sharing what you shared as well.   Helps everyone.

[arn131arn]

i am obsessed by this board. i spend most of my day on this board. I do not have a lot of friends at the current moment. Anyway, nobody is relating to what i am going through, maybe only my therapist. I feel overwhelmed by what did happen to me. I can not find joy back in my life. i feel like i belong here. only you people understand what i am going through. is this healthy ? what shall i do ? i am making an ok progress to get over her. but i am not doing good in probing into myself to understand my own behavior and correct it.

AJ,

I am sorry you are going through this tough time in your life.

I understand the feeling of your world caving in, and life seeming almost impossible to bear.

I know because I was there in early December 13. I, like you, used this site as an outlet for my pain. I, like you, am also in therapy. And, I, like you, felt the entire world had no idea what had just happened to me.

I'm 6 months out, LC, only because we have a child together. I can tell you with honesty and sincerity, that the two biggest gifts I gave myself were this site, making friends on here, private messaging them, and seeing a therapist.

Today, my life is different. I don't tell you it's perfect. Who's really is? But what I CAN tell you is it's different, it feels good most of the time, I have attainable goals now, and life is looking up. The greatest gift anyone could of ever given me is hope... . and because if this place and my therapist, I have that. It is a gift I hope can be passed along to you, as well.

I hope you continue posting, seeing this therapist, and work through your pain. I may stand alone today, but I have an army behind me. And they have my back, just like I have yours. So, post, and post, cry and cry some more, run and run again when your done. Time will let you know when to take some time off, and those are the days, weeks, and months where you will find the new you.

Pm me if you need me, bro.

Arn

[antjs]

i am obsessed by this board. i spend most of my day on this board. I do not have a lot of friends at the current moment. Anyway, nobody is relating to what i am going through, maybe only my therapist. I feel overwhelmed by what did happen to me. I can not find joy back in my life. i feel like i belong here. only you people understand what i am going through. is this healthy ? what shall i do ? i am making an ok progress to get over her. but i am not doing good in probing into myself to understand my own behavior and correct it.

AJ,

I am sorry you are going through this tough time in your life.

I understand the feeling of your world caving in, and life seeming almost impossible to bear.

I know because I was there in early December 13. I, like you, used this site as an outlet for my pain. I, like you, am also in therapy. And, I, like you, felt the entire world had no idea what had just happened to me.

I'm 6 months out, LC, only because we have a child together. I can tell you with honesty and sincerity, that the two biggest gifts I gave myself were this site, making friends on here, private messaging them, and seeing a therapist.

Today, my life is different. I don't tell you it's perfect. Who's really is? But what I CAN tell you is it's different, it feels good most of the time, I have attainable goals now, and life is looking up. The greatest gift anyone could of ever given me is hope... . and because if this place and my therapist, I have that. It is a gift I hope can be passed along to you, as well.

I hope you continue posting, seeing this therapist, and work through your pain. I may stand alone today, but I have an army behind me. And they have my back, just like I have yours. So, post, and post, cry and cry some more, run and run again when your done. Time will let you know when to take some time off, and those are the days, weeks, and months where you will find the new you.

Pm me if you need me, bro.

Arn

Thanks arn. i cant see you but i can tell how human you are thanks all for your support

[Promises]

Down to the coffee, reading and cigarettes I could have wrote that post.  I am your female version stuck in the same place.  No friends, used to have but don't feel like anyone could or want to relate to me anymore.  No interests.  Can't even watch a TV show.  Stuck in my thoughts.  I feel ya.  We'll make it.

[Narellan]

AJ you are exactly where you need to be. Surrounded by people who have shared experiences.

I spend lots of hours on here now ( especially since I deactivated FB ) on days where I worry like you that I'm spending too much time here, I stay off. But I still am thinking and over thinking my situation with my BPD ex. It's just worse then because no one else gets it. I need to be on here, reading other people's questions and comments. It really does help to not feel alone in this. You are going to obsess about her anyway, and by coming here you can vent your thoughts and maybe get some answers. You certainly get support.

We are feeling pretty fragile after what we've been through and to be around friends who understand us such a godsend. This has been my lifeline for many months.

Keep posting. It helps our minds and hearts come to terms with our loss 

[arn131arn]

AJ you are exactly where you need to be. Surrounded by people who have shared experiences.

I spend lots of hours on here now ( especially since I deactivated FB ) on days where I worry like you that I'm spending too much time here, I stay off. But I still am thinking and over thinking my situation with my BPD ex. It's just worse then because no one else gets it. I need to be on here, reading other people's questions and comments. It really does help to not feel alone in this. You are going to obsess about her anyway, and by coming here you can vent your thoughts and maybe get some answers. You certainly get support.

We are feeling pretty fragile after what we've been through and to be around friends who understand us such a godsend. This has been my lifeline for many months.

Keep posting. It helps our minds and hearts come to terms with our loss 

Allot of good, honest feedback here, AJ.

It's pain. It's a process. And each of us whether a significant other or family member with this disorder have affected us emotionally. Focus on yourself, do things you've always wanted to do, but maybe couldn't. Meet new people, get out and talk with the world and no matter how hard it is, look people in the eye.

And one day, and it WILL come, all of a sudden, she isn't the first thing you think about when you wake up, and sometimes, you go all day without even thinking of her. And if she tries to hand you a bag of lemons to sour your day, you smile and make the best lemonade... . not out of hate, contempt, or spite, but because you are evolving, becoming stronger, and have growth through hope.

Taking a look at myself and doing my own self searching helped me tremendously. It is something you can do here on the self-inventory board or in private with your therapist. It takes courage, and helped spark my recovery process. It wasn't fun, it wasn't easy, but it was worth it.

[Aussie JJ]

I don't know how to quote yet from my mobile but let me explain version of this.  

And one day, and it WILL come, all of a sudden, she isn't the first thing you think about when you wake up, and sometimes, you go all day without even thinking of her. And if she tries to hand you a bag of lemons to sour your day, you smile and make the best lemonade... . not out of hate, contempt, or spite, but because you are evolving, becoming stronger, and have growth through hope.

Taking a look at myself and doing my own self searching helped me tremendously. It is something you can do here on the self-inventory board or in private with your therapist. It takes courage, and helped spark my recovery process. It wasn't fun, it wasn't easy, but it was worth it.  



This is so true, this is MY inventory for me:  

My mother was raised by a NPD.  Her sisters are both HPD/NPD traits, stronger HPD but my mum was the black sheep, youngest of three daughters who should have been a son, and she got told it constantly.  My mothers coping mechanism is to have rock solid boundarys.  She doesn't have the other traits (can be a bit dramatic but doesn't rule her life) but her boundarys are unflinching and if you question something relating to her boundarys she will call you on it hard and steamroll you.  I learn my passiveness here.  My dad, very submissive.  

My first real relationship (living in the same house) going out 12 or 18 months? was with a girl who I believe had BPD, I caught her cheating with a guy from work twice (2 different guys) and I was the evil one.  I got split black here hardcore.  She also had substance dependance problems and was VERY impulsive.  

Then a break with some casual dating.  

My second real relationship was with a girl who had some strong HPD traits.  She was always centre of attention and very strongwilled,  everything always had a sexual context with her.  

Then a break for 12 months, a few flings but nothing serious.  

Then the EXBPDGF.  Knew her since school and have to say she is an amazing person apart from the BPD.  It is so overbearing in her actions that it saddens me.  

Point is, my closest female friend is very like my mother, she is 40ish about 10 years older than me, from an abusive family and has very rock solid boundarys.  Will not accept BS from anyone.  

I have co-dependant traits that have ruled my personal relationships throughout life, especially with my female friends and romantic partners.  

Their is another friend I have, always playing the victim, lovely girl, very immature.   I have supported her through 3? Breakups with EX's where she painted them black.  This friend also has BPD imho, infact I'm sure of it.  When I was down and out a couple months ago I knew something wasn't correct when I was having a drink with her and flirting like crazy, she was empathizing with all of the things my ex had done to me and painting her black for me.  Comparing my ex to all of her exs and saying how lucky I was to be out of it etc etc.  

How I did no wrong... .  How lucky am I for not diving into that one when I was vulnerable.   She is more volatile than my exGF when she is in a rage.  Going through courts atm with both her and ex accusing each other of domestic violence.  I think she is the one in honesty capable of DV.  

If I hadn't made a promise to myself not to have another relationship for 12 months I probably would have been with another BPD straight away.  

The truth is the only constant here is ME.  When you start looking at yourself and take ownership for your choices it hurts.  I tried to talk to my mum about it and she shut me down hardcore.  Not her job to change my job to accept her and love her for what she is and change myself.  

In the space of a week, 2 weeks I have come to that conclusion but it took me 4 months of sorting through the FOG to start looking at myself.  It is so painful everytime I find a fault with me but in the last week I have been going crazy just analyzing me and understanding me.  It hurts but I am that empowered by knowledge about myself that it is a happy feeling now finding another fault.  Knowing I can accept them and work on changing them.  

These are things I can control, does it mean I wont ___ up again.  Pfft, I have a pattern through life of these same mistakes.  I will make them again but hopefully less and hopefully i can identify them sooner.  I will overcome my co-dependancy or at least make it so it doesn't dominate as much.   I know it wont be easy but I feel so much better now that it doesn't matter how hard ill get through it.  

[Ihope2]

Hi Antony_James, you wrote "it is the shock of waking up to my own life now" and you hit the nail on the head!

This type of intense, traumatic, destructive, painful relationship hooks us so deeply. It feels like we got sucked into a vortex, and spat out the other side.  In the aftermath of it all, we are shell-shocked, drained, empty, confused.  No energy.  Numb.

The way I see it, I was woken up for once and for all to the burden of a damaged childhood that I have been carrying on my back, my entire life.  It was an unseen, unrecognised, silent burden, but I was struggling with the heaviness of it.  I was so vulnerable to repeating the same dysfunctional patterns that I had learnt in my childhood. Until now.  This most extreme of relationships with a pwBPD has somehow shifted me out of my old orbit.  I will never be the same again.  It is painful, we need to recover from the absolute chaos and pain we have been dealing with.  Many people will not be able to relate to what we are going through.  It is important to find safe people at this time.  And this message board provides that.  We all have had similar experiences and people here understand. 

In my everyday life now, I have become very aware of how I need to set boundaries to protect myself from "unsafe" people and not to pour out my heart to just anyone and seek understanding and empathy from those who are incapable of this.

[Ziggiddy]

AJ - feeling your pain, man. At least you are honest about what you are doing to cope with being alive day to day. Like you, like many I have been on the drugand alcohol roundabout and woken every day thinking :This has GOT to stop - how do I make it stop?"  I hated people advising me to quit with the alcohol and drugs and look after myself. i was precisely as injured as I wanted to be and I secretly resented that they thought it was easy. Even that some of them could do it! Quit with the self destructive behaviour that is. I decided to go for a walk up a big hill near where I lived. It nearly killed me! I didn't quit smoking but hell - that climb made me feel my lungs. And I used to play high level sport back in the day. Now it was counterintuitive but doing the climb made my heart beat so fast and i enjoyed it - my heart was racing but it was because of me - something I was doing not something that was being done TO me. And it felt good.

the hardest blimmin thing to do was go and do it. And then go and do it again. And then start running. And running made me feel like I was able to run away from my head for that little while. Mind you I was an overweight 30something so not too pleasant to watch.

I have to recommend in the midst of it to do something to get your heart moving. It gives you more than just a rush - it gives you a sense of control and a brief respite from the obsessive thoughts. It gave me a great new addiction! Away from the flashing screen the laser eyeball holes, the ringing of the phone, the blaring of the TV or radio etc.

If you could go to water or somewhere out of your environment it may help you too. Nothing like a good long walk down the beach. Something about the ocean is so calming.

One danger I find in spending a lot of time here or on other sites is that it is constantly presenting new information. Now that is a good thing to help understand ourselves and our situations but it can also be a way to avoid looking at what we already know but haven't processed yet. Is it avoidance? it's understandable if it is.

Anyhow I'm sure that by going through this pain you are doing the emotional surgery that will eventually lead you to wholeness and healing. I wish you the peace you deserve

Z

[Clearmind]

i am making an ok progress to get over her. but i am not doing good in probing into myself to understand my own behavior and correct it.

This comes in time.

When I got to this stage I just read the threads on Personal Inventory Board - it was amazing how things started to piece together. Start maybe spending half of your online time reading there! Can't hurt right?

Digging into our reasons for attaching is well worth the effort and big rewards (your happiness) will be reaped.

[antjs]

i am making an ok progress to get over her. but i am not doing good in probing into myself to understand my own behavior and correct it.

This comes in time.

When I got to this stage I just read the threads on Personal Inventory Board - it was amazing how things started to piece together. Start maybe spending half of your online time reading there! Can't hurt right?

Digging into our reasons for attaching is well worth the effort and big rewards (your happiness) will be reaped.

excuse my ignorance but where can i find the inventory board ?

[Eric1]

From the movie - Swingers.

It's about a man that goes through a break up. This is the prep talk he receives.

www.m.youtube.com/watch?v=ByPzzT9ScFA

Some great advice.

[Narellan]

AJ scroll right down to the bottom of this page and just above the quick reply box to the right hand side is a white box with a drop down menu of all the different boards. You will find L6 personal inventory board there and click on it. You  are on L3 leaving board now.

[dansure]

I actually think the board is very helpful when you are just out of the relationship. It's a place where you can interact with people who experienced similar craziness as you and people who can understand you.

However, I also noticed that at some point I spent to much time on the board. It was actually hindering from moving on because I also kept reflecting about the relationship this way, even though there was not much left to reflect about. She was probably BPD, she was crazy, she was super nice at the beginning and abusive at the end and replaced me within 2 month because her words never match her actions. Well, at some point you just gotta accept it and get over it.

So for 2 month I avoided the board and I must say the think less and less about my ex, sometimes not at all. I am back, because I saw her this week so I felt like sharing it here.

But now that the initial shock is gone I actually don't care anymore that I saw her because I am really at the point where I accepted that she was not the right one for me and didn't make me happy. I also accepted that the end of the relationship is not my fault as she always used to claim.

The idolization she gave me at the beginning of actually the exact right thing I needed back then because my heart was still broken from my first gf who cheated on me when I met my exBPD. Now I am healed and don't hate women anymore because of what my first gf did to me. I also have boundaries now which I will enforce in my future relationships. In that sense I think my BPDex fulfilled her role in my life but it was time for her to leave, because things were getting nasty. I don't want a relationship with someone who can hate me from one moment to the other. And I know it wasn't only me, I saw this behavior of her towards others as well. If her new bf is ok with that I wish him fun. Cause I don't wanna have a relationship where I am too scared to bring something up because my gf might freak out and break up with me because of minor arguments. And I don't think that will magically change with that new guy. When I saw her I also saw that she still wears some outfights that we bought together. She wasn't into fashion before. So I gave her something on her way as well. Now we are separated and it's good this way, I am ready to meet the right one some day, because I know for sure, it wasn't my BPDex!

[Lion Fire]

AJ, I know what you mean.

I find myself engrossed in this forum and it eats up a lot of my time and I don't always feel understood.

Howver, I honestly don't know where I would be now without these boards and the support, information and guidance I have received. I had an idea of BPD and that's why I reached out here but I had no clue as to how destructive this disorder can be.

What we have here is people who are going through or have been through the same express train wreck as us. This means that there is the benefit of identification. Also, we are able to reach out to those who are in a worse state. It is essentially about supporting each other.

I find that when I detach from this forum I usually slip back in my healing process... . This comes in various forms... . I become complacent, I suffer from loneliness, I ruminate, become confused, depression, despair, I let her back in and all the likes.

When I'm plugged in here I feel like I'm in the solution and although the pain is not taken away, I feel like I'm healing.

Stick around.

Blessings

C