Detatching for real this time Strict NC blocking her

[zenwexler]

I have done this so many times. But I read it takes roughly six times to finally pull away from an abusive/BPD partner. And here we go, this is my 6th time. Although I am doing this for real this time. I am going to need a ton of support. I am going to delete her from my facebook, remove her pictures. And block her number. She finally even admitted to me that she is mean to me. She claims she does it because she thinks I still have feelings for her so she gets defensive. Such BS. She also told me she's falling for her new guy. Oh yeah? then why are you texting me all the time!

It ends now. She doesn't know what love is, she won't for a very long time if ever. She doesn't know how to have a healthy and happy relationship. It's over. I tried, and I tried and I tried. I literally did everything for her. When she would attack me I absorbed it like a champ. She just pushed harder. She would try and paint me black, convince herself that I'm not good. I would just roll with it. Be sweet and nice, literally just killing her with kindess. It only made her more mean! She's the definition of crazy. The definition of walking on eggshells, the definition of I hate you don't leave me.

But I am leaving. I can't live like this anymore. It's time for me to listen to my friends, family, therapist, and you fine people. You all tell me she's crazy, abusive, not nice. You all tell me she will never change, that she's not happy and never will be, no matter who she's dating. You all tell me to get out while I still can.

Her crazy has made me feel crazy for too long.  And I worked to darn hard to become the man that I am today. I've been through way too much in this world. I have suffered a ton. And I will not be brought down any more. I won't let this girl, this 20 year old child who has no perception of reality make me feel like I am crazy. That I am worthless, unlovable, that it's my fault she treats me the way she does. Even when she admits to being mean to me. It does matter, even her self-awareness doesn't help her change. I'm not the hopeless one. I'm not the sick one, I'm not the crazy one, the abusive one. SHE IS. And it's time I step down of this roller coaster once and for all.

You're support, words of wisdom, and advice are always much much appreciated. Thank you all so much.

[LettingGo14]

It's a big step zen.  We're here for you.

Some thoughts for the journey:

1.  It's no longer about about our exes.  It's about us now.  We can accept, own, process every emotion that arises within us.   We need to believe 100% that we can reclaim ourselves.

2.  We can let go of the past.   It's a sunk cost.   We don't need to repress it, but we don't need to "replay" it either.  Instead, we can "lose the story, and feel the feelings."  When we work with stories, we stay stuck.  When we work with feelings, we find ourselves.

3.  We can make lists of things we can do.  Bike, hike, meditate, run, swim, write.

4.  We can have contingency plans to enforce no contact for ourselves.

5. We can release our exes.  We don't need to hold onto hurts.   

6. We can make gratitude lists for things we have.   

This is a journey for you, zen.  One step at a time.  Keep posting.  Be kind to yourself.

[bunnyrabit]

It's a big step zen.  We're here for you.

Some thoughts for the journey:



2.  We can let go of the past.   It's a sunk cost.   We don't need to repress it, but we don't need to "replay" it either.  Instead, we can "lose the story, and feel the feelings."  When we work with stories, we stay stuck.  When we work with feelings, we find ourselves.

I've read this a few times on here, I find it interesting but I wanted to ask, what exactly do you mean by 'drop the story'. Do you mean stop ruminating over the past, just try to forget the whole relationship, or what? And how do you do it?

[LettingGo14]

2.  We can let go of the past.   It's a sunk cost.   We don't need to repress it, but we don't need to "replay" it either.  Instead, we can "lose the story, and feel the feelings."  When we work with stories, we stay stuck.  When we work with feelings, we find ourselves.

I've read this a few times on here, I find it interesting but I wanted to ask, what exactly do you mean by 'drop the story'. Do you mean stop ruminating over the past, just try to forget the whole relationship, or what? And how do you do it?

Hello bunnyrabit.   For me, the concept came from Pema Chodron, a Buddhist.   I got it from her book, "When Things Fall Apart."  The idea, in my interpretation is this:

The "story" is our narrative as to what happened.  We tell the story to ourselves over and over and over because our brains want to "understand" or grasp the "meaning."   But in re-telling our stories, looking for the intellectual rationale, we simply fuel the underlying emotions that accompany the ideas we form with our stories. 

For example, if my "story" is:   My ex-girlfriend rejected and replaced me, I might spend my time telling myself "she's bad" or "I'm bad" or "she's happy" and "I'm unhappy" and I completely forget to simply experience the heartbreak.

If, however, I "drop" the story, and "feel" the heartbreak, I can attend to myself.   Heartbreak is part of life.   I can learn to live with it by "feeling" it.  I can process it by "feeling" it -- letting my grief come to life and into the light.

Does that make sense?  (Note: I'm merely a student, rather than an expert of Buddhism, so apologies if I mishmash the idea!)

[bunnyrabit]

Thanks LettingGo, yes that makes sense and I think at times I have been able to do exactly that, feel the pain without thinking about 'our story'. And it does in fact give a sense of relieve maybe because heartbreak is indeed a normal part of life that everyone goes through at some point in their lives. It's certainly not unique and it's somehow manageable. 'Our story' however, is something I desperately want to make undone or control, none of which are possible of course and that drives me to desperation and feelings of panic.

So it is what I thought and I'm pretty sure that it's a very useful tool, I'm sure going to try to master it 

[zenwexler]

I'm going to try. It's already so hard. I officially blocked her on my phone. The next step is defriending her on Facebook. I'm scared to do this. I'm scared to keep her number blocked. I already think to myself what if she's trying to get in contact with me? But I'm also relieved because I know if my phone vibrates it can't be her. And I know as soon as I defriend her she'll try and text me. And I won't even see it. I never even said good bye this time.

[LettingGo14]

I'm going to try. It's already so hard. I officially blocked her on my phone. The next step is defriending her on Facebook. I'm scared to do this. I'm scared to keep her number blocked. I already think to myself what if she's trying to get in contact with me? But I'm also relieved because I know if my phone vibrates it can't be her. And I know as soon as I defriend her she'll try and text me. And I won't even see it. I never even said good bye this time.

My favorite Buddhist instruction -- and hardest to apply -- is "lean into the spear."  My second favorite is "leap and the net will find you."

From my vantage point, you are not doing this to punish yourself, or your ex-partner, zen.  You are doing this to reclaim yourself, one step at a time. 

We're here for you. 

[cosmonaut]

Stay strong, zenwexler.  You've taken a huge step in blocking your ex.  This initial period of detaching is the most intense.  I can remember the emotion of it like it was yesterday.  It was agonizing and all I could do was think of my ex and how desperately I wanted her back.  The craving to make contact can be overwhelming.  Think about what happens if you make contact.  You already know what awaits you there, because you've been down that road many times already.  I know it's very hard, but it is the way to a better future.  This may be the hardest thing you ever do.  It's not an easy road, but it is the road to freedom.

[zenwexler]

I'm trying to stay strong. I keep thinking maybe she has changed. Maybe she's don't have BPD. All lies though. I know it.  My relationship was chaos and she fell in love with me. I suppose even though she is "falling" for that guy doesn't mean she's still not putting him through hell.

[Mutt]

I keep thinking maybe she has changed. Maybe she's don't have BPD. All lies though. I know it.

Spot on   It took me awhile for that one to sink in, to accept that this is a serious disorder. My heart hadn't caught up to my head.

I suppose even though she is "falling" for that guy doesn't mean she's still not putting him through hell.

It's an attachment disorder, to protect her core wound of abandonment. The cycle will repeat with the next guy.

[zenwexler]

I know you're right! It's all lies I tell myself. No matter how great this guy may be she has a disorder that she shows no signs of changing. A brutal reality. She really will continue with the same cycle. When she talks about how we ever stayed together with all our fights she makes me think that she's not fighting with this new guy. Being happy and healthy. But I know that's also a lie. And if they at for some reason not fighting it's because this kid is probably just being a pushover. A servant. Just like she wanted me to be.

[Infared]

Zen... . if you are serious about this you need to focus on you. Worry about YOUR needs. Separating from this painful twisted situation is an act of loving YOU and taking care of YOU.

She is just baiting you to hurt you with info about this guy... . It gives her such power because she is a mentally sick person. She knows EXACTLY what she is doing. BPD,s are not stupid. This is not someone capable of a caring, loving relationship.   Everything is a manipulation.

Just take the steps you need to affirm the love with yourself.

[zenwexler]

Thanks infrared. I completely agree. That's what my therapist and sister says as well. That she is a master manipulator and literally has no capacity to be nice and having a loving healthy relationship. No matter the guy. Which explains why she treats me how she does. She says she's mean to me because she thinks I like her so she gets defensive. Like uhhh you're the one who texts me about flowers I gave you a year ago when we dated! And it's called being nice! It really is so twisted. She brings me in just to push me away. It's crazy that she actually gets pleasure from it. Because on the surface it looks like it frustrates her which frustrates me because I have done everything I know how to to try and put myself in a positive light in her eyes... . No success with that.

[Infared]

Yeah Zen... . what we have to remember is that she is mentally ill. I had some encounters out in public, which I won't detail right now... but some of the encounters where she was alone and some she was with the guy she ran off to, her NEW caregiver... . (there was no verbal contact in any of the encounters), but the was a pre-arranged plan on her part or their part to act out in a way to emotionally harm me. Incredibly immature, but in the state I was in the encounters were very effective. One of the really disturbing awarenesses that I had was that they were BOTH truly enjoying  trying to harming me? I was dumbfounded. I was a decent guy to her... . there was no accounting for the behavior.  ... . and then there would be an encounter where she would be alone, with a big smile on her face, like we were best friends and she would just try to walk up to me, as if the other encounters had never happened.

It's "borderline". Borderline to a flat-out schizophrenic . We are trying to sort this out based on our normal relationship interactions and that is one of the places that our pain and frustration comes from.  I had to let go trying to understand "her" and I had to start taking care of "me".

[christoff522]

When it comes to a borderline there is no empathy. I can't recount the number of evil things I had said to me about the ex she went back to. She claimed abuse, defamed his character, made out he had homosexual tendencies, talked about her feeling 'raped'. Then... one day... out of the blue... she drops me, a week later she's back with him.

Its a mental illness because its uncontrollable, its - essentially - her. The illness is her, it defines her personality, its the deepest make up of her. My 'ex' (if you can call it that), on the internet, made a video calling her mum a whore, with a near psychotic face on her. You're dealing with a child, with adult intelligence, in an adults body. They will NEVER be like us.

So OP, detach, if it helps, find something about her you find repugnant and focus on it. Just do anything you can to remove her from your consciousness, trust me it's possible, I thought I'd never get over her but I have... I've gone from shaking in her presence to looking forward to a visit from her at work one day so I can blank her. But seriously If I can not care, and actually be ecstatically happy about stuff, and be loving life and looking forward to a truly normal 'healthy' relationship with some lil hottie, then so can you.

You'll get there, one thing I recommend, dwell on it, seriously... you must focus on it, think think think, research, rationalize, deduce, because on day you'll get sick of it, find a photo of her, look at it, again and again and again... until one day you're sick of the sight of her. Just remember that you do this with the expressed intention of never speaking to her ever again. Also, make sure to remember every evil, sick and twisted thing she's ever done, and NEVER EVER FORGET IT. The truth is sir, you never loved her, this was not a real relationship, it was a crazy pantomime, it was codependents paradise. It's amazing that when I dropped all the 'love' ___, and looked at it for what it was, it passed. No matter what we say, love is a two way thing, this is more like grabbing onto someone, anyone who'll have us cos we're scared of being alone. No way would the average joe stick in a relationship like this unless something was missing in their lives. Mine was self-esteem... I'd imagine so is yours.

[zenwexler]

" No matter what we say, love is a two way thing, this is more like grabbing onto someone, anyone who'll have us cos we're scared of being alone. No way would the average joe stick in a relationship like this unless something was missing in their lives. Mine was self-esteem... I'd imagine so is yours."

You are absolutely right. I am scared to be alone. I do lack self esteem. I know damn well I hated this girl. Despised her. But she makes me feel like the chaos was my fault. That's she's different now. And I know it's not true! She drives me absolutely crazy. She adds nothing to my life. But I still struggle to let go. Out of the fear that A. It was my fault, and B. She actually is a great girl and i let her skip by. I'm afraid to fully let go. It crushes me. I still haven't defriended her yet. I have blocked her and I'm afraid she'll one day reach out to me. And I won't ever get the message :/

[Infared]

So Christoff, who are you more angry at? Her or you?

[christoff522]

So Christoff, who are you more angry at? Her or you?

Honestly? Her. I don't see BPD as a get out of jail free card. She did wrong and I know that she knows she did wrong. But I'm so far down that road of not caring anymore that rather than being a roaring lion my anger is like a mewing kitten. I just ain't bothered anymore. I think, it kinda feels like it never happened, emotionally anyway. I'm 'detached'.

I've been listening to these self esteem tapes, enjoying life, getting out in this glorious sun and I feel much better, one thing that helped (and made me laugh) was knowing that if she was still in my life, instead of sitting in the sun reading my kindle, I'd be in my bedroom pale-faced, miserable, sitting on skype, or texting her, or ringing her, or maybe just maybe I would actually see her, but hey, now I have peace, peace and quiet man! The worry... its not there anymore, I used to wake up and dread speaking to her, because I didn't know what new onslaught she would bring today.

Whilst a BPD hates being alone, one thing I value is alone time, literally, in order to be sane, I need time alone, I need space. Now I am, thank goodness!

[christoff522]

" No matter what we say, love is a two way thing, this is more like grabbing onto someone, anyone who'll have us cos we're scared of being alone. No way would the average joe stick in a relationship like this unless something was missing in their lives. Mine was self-esteem... I'd imagine so is yours."

You are absolutely right. I am scared to be alone. I do lack self esteem. I know damn well I hated this girl. Despised her. But she makes me feel like the chaos was my fault. That's she's different now. And I know it's not true! She drives me absolutely crazy. She adds nothing to my life. But I still struggle to let go. Out of the fear that A. It was my fault, and B. She actually is a great girl and i let her skip by. I'm afraid to fully let go. It crushes me. I still haven't defriended her yet. I have blocked her and I'm afraid she'll one day reach out to me. And I won't ever get the message :/

You know it intellectually but not emotionally. If she has BPD she's not different, the new guy is going through the same hell that you did. She's right though the chaos is YOUR fault, just like it was mine. Thats why you need to stay away from her, every time you go back it'll be your fault. You're a clever fellow, it is fear, just like a heroin addict thinks it'll be different this time, that you can control it. You never will, and just think, in ten years time, if you were daft enough to stay around that long... it won't be any different. Your kids will be miserable, probably end up just like her with BPD or NPD, you'll get fat, she'll probably cheat on you constantly until she's too old and no one will have her. Do you want a nervous breakdown? Cos you'll have them. Chances are you'll only end up divorcing anyway if you married her, oh and theres a chance she might seriously hurt you in a narc rage. You think she'll go into therapy? Never gonna happen bro

Just let her continue to do her thing, stay away... deal with the emotional mess, you're not a doormat, you have a spine! You're only at day 3, you're dealing with some hefty trauma, attachment stuff, just stay away, focus on recovery and 'self-inquiry'. resolve that you will NEVER EVER go near a BPD again, and then deal with your own issues.

Let this nutter get her diseases and kids, remember that as long as you stay NC its not your fault. By the time she comes sniffing round again... she'll be nothing to you.

I find this utterly amazing at raising my self esteem:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOhYzGD3YKk

[zenwexler]

I really love that picture you painted. I truly do. And I agree. Intellectually I agree but emotional I'm still in denial. It's brutal. I still have so many fears. Like she's changing for the better. She's not fighting with her new bf. he's better then me. I hate those thoughts. I'm also fearful because I know by blocking her I'm officially saying no to any hope of ever ever getting back together with her. Even if she called me to sY i love you lets get married I wouldn't even know

[Emelie Emelie]

Zen - You're not officially saying no to any hope of getting back together with her by blocking her.  You're giving yourself some space and time to sort out your feelings.  All you can deal with is right now.  Right now she's in another relationship.  As painful as that is it's the reality of the situation.  However those situations change all the time.  I know the panicked feeling... . that you have to something, anything, right now or he'll be lost to me forever.  Patient and Clear said something very important to me.  I'm paraphrasing but she said if he does develop the skills and desire to continue this relationship he'll let you know.  I found that very calming.  Of course if he does not develop those skills, or that desire, it's an impossible situation.  So I really don't have to do anything.  I can't do anything.  We caretaker types tend to try and control situations and outcomes. 

Try and let go just for today.  It's not forever, it's just today.  Try to have some faith that things will work out the way they should. 

[myself]

We caretaker types tend to try and control situations and outcomes. 

Even a nudge can send it over the edge when the 'borderline' is where it falls apart.

I say let's hope they DO get better, DO find better people to be with, DO have happy lives.

Let's also make sure that comes true for ourselves.

[Infared]

christoff... . thanks for the self-esteem meditation... . that is subtly wonderful!

[zenwexler]

Emelie, you're absolutely right. And it is a calming thought. But I guess the act of blocking seems so permanent. Like do I eventually unblock her? I haven't defriended her yet. Should I still do that. You say when she is ready she'll show herself but I guess I'm fearful that by blocking her it makes that impossible. Also every time I go NC she always eventually texts me or calls. So I never no when it's real or just her being her.

[Emelie Emelie]

Zen only you can decide what's best for you.  Why are you considering blocking her?  Are you doing it to make yourself more peaceful, protect yourself from hurt, or to make her more crazy?  (I don't mean BPD crazy... . I mean crazy in that she can't reach you.) 

I "defriended" my xBF because I don't want to be tempted to look at his page and try and decipher whether or not he's dating someone.  I don't need that temptation or that hurt.  I feel no need to "block" him but we're not engaged in the kind of frequent dialogue you and your GF are.  He's the one that doesn't want regular communication with me right now.  If I did he could find a way to contact me if he wanted to.  Even if you don't "block" her you still have a choice in whether or not to take her calls or respond to her texts.  I know a lot of people decide strict NC is the best thing for them.  I don't feel it's the best thing, or necessary, in my situation.   

So it get's back to my original question... . why do you want to block her?

[zenwexler]

For multiple reasons I  suppose. I want to defriend her because I don't want her to just be able to look at my facebook, but I know that's something she values. I am also afraid a picture of her will pop up or she'll randomly like a picture of something

I blocked her so she can't text me. We have done this lets not talk anymore so many times. And I always distance myself, but then she comes in texts me, and reels me in, but then is like uhhh, don't get any ideas. I want to just be friends. We have done this so many times. It's been going on for almost a year! But like I mentioned before I'm fearful that one day she'll want to come back and I won't even know! But then the other side of me is saying well i should never want to be with this girl so that shouldn't matter, but lets face it, if I believed that I wouldn't be here.

[Emelie Emelie]

Oh Zen I'm sorry.  It's all so painful and confusing.  So you do want to be with her?  You want to try and work it out with her?  It would be great if you could be honest with her and tell her you would be open to trying again but you would prefer she didn't contact you while she's seeing someone else.  However from what you've said it doesn't sound like she would respect that boundary.  I wish there were some easy answers. 

[zenwexler]

I have told her that exact same thing every time I tried to go no

Contact. She told me there is not a doubt that she ever wants to get back together. I told her ok then why do you hunt me down abs text me. She says it's just friendly. Which is such bs. So I tell her ok then we can't be friends. I say good bye then 2-4 weeks later I get a text.

[christoff522]

christoff... . thanks for the self-esteem meditation... . that is subtly wonderful!

You're welcome, its funny that while a BPD is a child in an adults body, we seem to need to embrace our 'inner child' - maybe a hint as to our issue.