When I have decided to leave - he changes

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I havent posted in a long time. I never really know what to say because I am so confused... .

I have decided to leave. I made that decision emotionally long before I really made it last November. But to leave I have so many obstacles, so I started on them one at a time.

First I have to get a job, but with no education, well, at least one that I can get paid a decent wage to raise 2 kids with, I will have to further my education. So I put my foot down and have enrolled in college again.   

I have been going out with friends, making new ones... . that is still a hard part - I feel odd talking about my marriage, so that usually is a shy spot. Wen asked about how things are at home I usually say "they're fine".   I told one friend my situation and she isnt quite giving me the support I wanted - she thinks I'm nuts. That doesn't really help.

I found a lawyer and she looked at me and said "He has stolen your voice and has taken your identity". This was the lawyer, not the psychologist. Is it that noticeable?  :'(

Anyway, I have been looking at how to support myself financially and have been investing in me emotionally. I had to fight for each inch of what I have gained, and what started out as one fight after another, now is really nice.   He seems like another person. He's helpful, decent, he even washed the clothes the other day. He is playing with the kids -   - I cant believe it's him.

Now that I have changed, he has changed. I cant trust him though anymore after 17 years of lies, I don't love him anymore, but WHY couldn't he have changed long ago, before he tore me into pieces emotionally? I feel like I'm in a chess game and I'm loosing.

I told him in November I was leaving, but I really didn't plan that part out to well, because after 17 years of being a housewife and knowing nobody (no support group) and far away from my family (I live overseas) I had to live in the same house until I graduated. Hum... bad idea. He flipped out and I spent two weeks literally scared to death. I was scared he'd kill himself. He would walk by me and just stare me down with those eyes that are indescribable. Didn't talk to me the entire time. After two weeks, I figured I couldn't live like this, so I told him that after I finished college, I'd leave. After all, he's paying for my education. He wont let me work, but he will let me study. I did not say Id stay or that I was having second thoughts. I just said I would live with him as his wife during this time. Anyway, the same minute, better yet, the same second, he started whistling and went to the other room to play with the kids.   He's never played with the kids.

Since then he has been acting like we are the most romantic couple there is... .

He sends me flowers, wants to give me back rubs, he washed the dishes, makes breakfast, all the stuff any romantic person would even dream about. Never worried about what I wanted in 17 years, now he's all Mr. Nice Guy. I really don't ask for flowers, but an honest open heart warming conversation would be nice - which I am still to have in all these years.

The lawyer is worried hes sucking up to the kids to win them over and hes going to start to paint me black to them. I picked up on that too the other day. He answered my S8 he couldnt have ice cream before dinner because mom wouldn't allow it, but if it was up to him, he`d let him. But mommy has rules, he said. It's stuff like that all the time.

He also said that mommy is sick all the time (Not true) and that it is good he is there to be with them. I had kidney stones and spent some time - 4 days- in the hospital in pain... . I dont classify that as all the time. It was one episode, but it messed up his schedule because all the sudden he had to take the kids to school.

I am tired, true- I have to get up at 5:15 everyday to get my stuff done in the house and take the kids to school, then go to college myself, and by 8pm I'm knocked out. But he's starting to say stuff to them about how sick and tired and illogical I am. I am worried about that. 

I am so confused. Why he couldn't be at least decent before all the crap he put me through... . I mean, honestly, how can he expect me to love him after tearing away every bit of dignity a woman can have? And then say sorry once, and expect life to be the same... .

  Now that I am 100% decided to leave, he changes. Its a different person. I am starting to get really scared that its not just borderline here, but some 2nd personality. But then, maybe I`m just paranoid. I thought the changes would go away in time, but since Feb he's been Mr. Lovable. It makes me second thought my decision... .

But then, how much am I willing to take? I could live with him, but never have a real conversation, never have real sex, never trust him, never love him... . It would be just convenience. I'm not that young anymore and finding a job and supporting 2 kids by myself is scarring the crap out of me.

Well, that's it. So confused... .  Someone tell me this all is normal - please.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I havent posted in a long time. I never really know what to say because I am so confused... .

I have decided to leave. I made that decision emotionally long before I really made it last November. But to leave I have so many obstacles, so I started on them one at a time.

First I have to get a job, but with no education, well, at least one that I can get paid a decent wage to raise 2 kids with, I will have to further my education. So I put my foot down and have enrolled in college again.   

I have been going out with friends, making new ones... . that is still a hard part - I feel odd talking about my marriage, so that usually is a shy spot. Wen asked about how things are at home I usually say "they're fine".   I told one friend my situation and she isnt quite giving me the support I wanted - she thinks I'm nuts. That doesn't really help.

I found a lawyer and she looked at me and said "He has stolen your voice and has taken your identity". This was the lawyer, not the psychologist. Is it that noticeable?  :'(

Anyway, I have been looking at how to support myself financially and have been investing in me emotionally. I had to fight for each inch of what I have gained, and what started out as one fight after another, now is really nice.   He seems like another person. He's helpful, decent, he even washed the clothes the other day. He is playing with the kids -   - I cant believe it's him.

Now that I have changed, he has changed. I cant trust him though anymore after 17 years of lies, I don't love him anymore, but WHY couldn't he have changed long ago, before he tore me into pieces emotionally? I feel like I'm in a chess game and I'm loosing.

I told him in November I was leaving, but I really didn't plan that part out to well, because after 17 years of being a housewife and knowing nobody (no support group) and far away from my family (I live overseas) I had to live in the same house until I graduated. Hum... bad idea. He flipped out and I spent two weeks literally scared to death. I was scared he'd kill himself. He would walk by me and just stare me down with those eyes that are indescribable. Didn't talk to me the entire time. After two weeks, I figured I couldn't live like this, so I told him that after I finished college, I'd leave. After all, he's paying for my education. He wont let me work, but he will let me study. I did not say Id stay or that I was having second thoughts. I just said I would live with him as his wife during this time. Anyway, the same minute, better yet, the same second, he started whistling and went to the other room to play with the kids.   He's never played with the kids.

Since then he has been acting like we are the most romantic couple there is... .

He sends me flowers, wants to give me back rubs, he washed the dishes, makes breakfast, all the stuff any romantic person would even dream about. Never worried about what I wanted in 17 years, now he's all Mr. Nice Guy. I really don't ask for flowers, but an honest open heart warming conversation would be nice - which I am still to have in all these years.

The lawyer is worried hes sucking up to the kids to win them over and hes going to start to paint me black to them. I picked up on that too the other day. He answered my S8 he couldnt have ice cream before dinner because mom wouldn't allow it, but if it was up to him, he`d let him. But mommy has rules, he said. It's stuff like that all the time.

He also said that mommy is sick all the time (Not true) and that it is good he is there to be with them. I had kidney stones and spent some time - 4 days- in the hospital in pain... . I dont classify that as all the time. It was one episode, but it messed up his schedule because all the sudden he had to take the kids to school.

I am tired, true- I have to get up at 5:15 everyday to get my stuff done in the house and take the kids to school, then go to college myself, and by 8pm I'm knocked out. But he's starting to say stuff to them about how sick and tired and illogical I am. I am worried about that. 

I am so confused. Why he couldn't be at least decent before all the crap he put me through... . I mean, honestly, how can he expect me to love him after tearing away every bit of dignity a woman can have? And then say sorry once, and expect life to be the same... .

  Now that I am 100% decided to leave, he changes. Its a different person. I am starting to get really scared that its not just borderline here, but some 2nd personality. But then, maybe I`m just paranoid. I thought the changes would go away in time, but since Feb he's been Mr. Lovable. It makes me second thought my decision... .

But then, how much am I willing to take? I could live with him, but never have a real conversation, never have real sex, never trust him, never love him... . It would be just convenience. I'm not that young anymore and finding a job and supporting 2 kids by myself is scarring the crap out of me.

Well, that's it. So confused... .  Someone tell me this all is normal - please.

[patientandclear]

My understanding of BPD suggests that this is a response to his perception that there is a real chance of losing you -- but you gave him some hope when you said you'd stay for a short time.  He is campaigning not to lose you.

Whether this can last once the campaign is over is likely a different question.

I really understand how confusing it is to reach a difficult, major, sad life decision based on so much experience of him -- and then have him act like another person.

[froggy]

my sister is going through the same thing.

She has terminal cancer and all of a sudden he's kissing her hello and goodbye when she was in the hospital... . all helpful. .mr nice guy... . even apologized for past behavior.

He could only sustain it for so long... . once she was out of the hospital. and started picking up again... all the extras stopped.

You could see it in his eyes HOW scared he was that she was gonna die in the hospital.They have been married 40 years and NOW he's being nice... . of course it's HER fault he wasn't earlier... after all... . she didn't TELL him she was really sick!

I'm like you... have decided I need to leave.

No education. .I got married at 17... been a house wife for 33 years. I've had a few jobs but nothing that paid well.

My kids are grown though but still at home.

I have detached emotionally and have stopped reacting to most things... . I haven't told him I have plans to leave yet as I would like a plan in place first.

... . but... . I have noticed that he has become more co operative. .think he senses the emotional distance.

I know without therapy or him quiting drinking he will never change... . he refuses to quit drinking and he has no issues to go to therapy for... . soo... . something has to change and I know it's NOT going to be him... so that leaves me.

Take it for what it is... . an attempt to keep you where you are... . the passive aggressive undermining with the kids tells the truth of how he really feels.

Go through the last 17 years. ... go over all the crap you've been through with him... if your anything like me... the severity of things fade with time and you think... . wasn't so bad.

Things probably aren't a lot better now... . just less crappy... . like the kidney stones. .the pain passes and so does the memory of it... . untill the next time. (I can relate... I make chronic stones)

Stay strong and think clearly... . if you have a chance to get out... . take it... . the longer you stay... . the harder it is to leave... and the disire to leave... . stays

I use to think when the kids were younger that I couldn't do it alone... . looking back... . I WAS doing it alone!  Only thing he did was bring in a paycheck. ... most of the time.

I WISH I had left years ago... he did a lot of damage to the kids and myself... and I have to like with the guilt I have for not leaving much earlier.

[cosmonaut]

My understanding of BPD suggests that this is a response to his perception that there is a real chance of losing you -- but you gave him some hope when you said you'd stay for a short time.  He is campaigning not to lose you.

This is exactly how I read it too.  He's on his best behavior, because he fears abandonment (you leaving).  You asked if this is normal, and I suspect that it is.  pwBPD are masters of being what the situation requires them to be in order to get what they want.

As to whether your husband might be trying to turn the children against you, that's very concerning and I'm sure it must be hurting you terribly.  I wish I had some good advice here, but I have never been through such a situation.  You might try asking in the [L5] Co-parenting after the Split board.  Some of the senior members there might have experience on how best to handle that situation.

I'm sorry you have having to deal with this new curve ball from your husband while also managing everything else on your plate.  I can understand why you feel so confused and overwhelmed.  I think you are managing great, though.  You are very wise to be getting your education so you can have financial independence.  Keep focused on that goal.  I'm also glad that you are seeing a lawyer to help you through the process of separating.  Soon you will be able to leave and this will be behind you.  Keep posting.   

[Monarch Butterfly]

Thank you so much. Sometimes I start to doubt my own intentions and as froggy said,

"the longer you stay... . the harder it is to leave... and the disire to leave... . stays".

So true. I also relate to:

"the pain passes and so does the memory of it... . untill the next time".

Very very true. Thanks a lot everybody. Its good to know I'm not alone here... . even though I feel very alone.