I can't figure out ...

[drv3006]

Why it is so easy for me to quit something good for me like exercise, healthy eating and spiritual practice and so damn hard to quit something that is not good for me like smoking or bad relationships. Heck I quit drinking and was doing well for over six years in my program. Now I have to force myself to go since I had this person in my life. I have addictive behavior in everything. i wish I never met him. He is finally gone. And i am sad. What is up with that. Three weeks ago I was afraid of him. Go figure! Its not just him. Its me too!  Sigh!

[woodsposse]

 

That is a very great question.  I know it isn't easy to walk away from things we get addicted to whether we have addivitive behaviors or not.  It's human nature (something about the dopamine in our brains) - and it's normal.

Especially when there is a r/s involved.  Man... . those things can drive ya nuts.

But I think your focus is in the right place by trying to look at you.  Being sad is okay.  It's all part of being who we are and going through some emotional stuff.   I use to try and look away from it or suppress it/soothe it by having some drinks or whatever.  Not the best management tool.

But once I came here and really did some self reflection, I was finally able to figure out where I was in my head, my childhood trauma issues, and how a lot of r/s I got myself into was a reflection of that.  Unfortunately, even though I am learning better ways at this point and feel more secure and stable in myself, I can't go back and change the relationships which faltered or my reactions to whatever was presented.

This is where my acceptance of it all comes into being.  And I just hope I am more stable as I move forward - because I know for a fact I don't ever want to go back.

[Infared]

drv... . this may be a little long-winded, but it is worth telling here... .

I left my program of recovery (at the request of my pwBPD). My bad.  I got right back in when my ex ran off with new Mr. Right. If I hadn't I think I would be dead. ... . and boy oh boy did I struggle... . I guess everything is a process... . but I got this great "gift" from a friend of mine who is not in recovery and has never had any substance abuse issues... . as a matter of fact he never drinks or does any substances.

So... . one Sat. Evening my bud stopped by and (like two little kids) were were discussing what to do with our Sat. nite... . and he asked me "well, what do you usually do?"  ... . and I said that I usually went to this particular mtg.   So he says "Can I go?" ... . and I realized that it was an open mtg. 1/2 speaker, 1/2 discussion.  ... and I had to have an internal talk with myself... "do I want to let this guy in to the inner sanctum?" LOL! ... . but I then thought, hey this friend is a great person and not judgemental so I said ... . "OK. Let's go.

I could tell he was kind of excited in a way... . I was on the fence. (smirk)

The mtg. starts and my bud was on the edge of his seat, literally leaning forward in his chair and sponging it all in.  At the end of the hour he was visibly disappointed that it was over... . he said "is that the end... it's over, ALREADY?".

... Then he paused, and reflected and said to me these words: "WOW! This is amazing, you people all just come here and sit and talk so honestly to each other and you are all here to get help and help one another. THIS IS AMAZING! I have never seen ANYTHING like this in my entire life. You know, regular people and most, if not all religions in the world could use a good dose of this action!".   I was totally speechless at his perspective.

I have never struggled with going to a mtg. since that moment... . as a matter of fact I am usually looking forward to it!

[corraline]

Infrared

Cool story !

drv

I can totally relate.  I am trying to take care of both sides of the pendulum with regards to self care and self harm by doing baby steps on either side.   I find when I am starting to feel pretty good, i can let my self care routine slide easily.  I mentioned this on a previous post... . wrong . Recognizing this pattern i believe is a good thing. So if I can be an objective observer of this, then i can take action and do my best to chose a healthier option.  My self harming behavior i am accepting and making baby steps to work on, same as the the self care... . I am not certain about the psychology behind all of this but as infrared says "i guess everything is a process "

I remember when i was first out and my support system was suggesting to do things that i liked again and take care of myself... . i didn't like anything... . nothing... . i just felt like crap and couldn't see my way out of the crap.  Something kicked in... . must have been my will to survive.