STRUGGLING TODAY-PLEASE HELP

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So today is my 5th day of nc and it is KILLING me! I know it is best that I keep it up and I am going to but I just wanted to vent on the board because it helps to get some words of encouragement. Weekends are very hard for me also... . my ex and I always spent every minute together and since I do not work on weekends and neither does she I am going crazy wondering what she is doing with my replacement. I know this is not a healthy way to think but I cannot help but go there. I'm hoping by just venting it can help to relieve some of the pain that I am enduring. I am praying more, trying to get out and do things with what friends I have left, but today is a real struggle for me. I just can't understand why my ex can just move on so quickly and throw me out like the trash after 6 years of being together... . she is the last person in the world I would ever think would do something like this to me and make me feel the way I am feeling which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy... . not even my replacement! Any responses would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for understanding me!

Kelly

[All ears]

So today is my 5th day of nc and it is KILLING me! I know it is best that I keep it up and I am going to but I just wanted to vent on the board because it helps to get some words of encouragement. Weekends are very hard for me also... . my ex and I always spent every minute together and since I do not work on weekends and neither does she I am going crazy wondering what she is doing with my replacement. I know this is not a healthy way to think but I cannot help but go there. I'm hoping by just venting it can help to relieve some of the pain that I am enduring. I am praying more, trying to get out and do things with what friends I have left, but today is a real struggle for me. I just can't understand why my ex can just move on so quickly and throw me out like the trash after 6 years of being together... . she is the last person in the world I would ever think would do something like this to me and make me feel the way I am feeling which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy... . not even my replacement! Any responses would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for understanding me!

Kelly

[corraline]

Hi Kelly

5 days no contact feels very raw and I understand it totally.  Being here and talking it out and leaning on others is a healthy way to deal with your pain.  Its a seriously lonely time and it is for me too. I also spent every weekend with my ex and initially it was brutal.  I hated the weekends for awhile.  I am starting to be okay with them now. Self care stuff works wonders.  Start a list, no matter how small to take care of you.  Its really hard to understand how someone can just move on like that ... . it rattles the brain and burns deeply in the heart.  ugh... . Stay here, go thru the material again, ie stages of detachment... find an inspirational book, do what it takes to help you thru this.  One of the things that helps me is to understand that my ex and his behavior is his... . mine is mine. It's not so personal then and it doesn't feel as painful.

[Infared]

WOW!

You are me.  Or at least who I was. I said EXACTLY what you said above. EXACTLY! We lived together for 5 years.

I am far away from that place now, though.

I know what twisted emotional pain you are in. If she is a pwBPD you can expect nothing good to come of any contact with her.  I should keep this in the "me", as I am not in your shoes... . but when I was the treatment I got was abominable. He new hero, me now absolute villain. Whenever I made contact I was met with a smug person who I had never met before and it never went well for me.

I would recommend therapy. If you seek out a good therapist, I had a false start with one that was not helping, but then found one that made me do some work.  I found out that although my ex was a very sick person, that I had some serious work to do on me, too. I was also "part of the problem".

Good, supportive friends a Godsend.

Exercise is a good place to vent.

Coming here is great. I wish I had known about a website like this when I was in your situation. There is good support here.

... . also any self-help groups if you can find any. I was able to get into a men's group which was very helpful to talk with others who had similar situations. It was valuable knowing that I was not alone in the pain that I was going through. Other men were suffering as I was. We were open, honest and supportive to one another.

I truly feel for you Kelly. No one should be in that position. It's Godawful. Take small steps forward and do whatever you can to be loving YOU!   Try to think clearly, and make (what right now may seem selfish to you) choices that take care of Kelly. Easy to say, hard to do.

I want you to know that I truly do understand where you are right now... ... . and you CAN get thru this!

[AwakenedOne]

Kelly,

What helped me to forget my ex for the most part and ease the grief was keeping in my mind one or more terrible things she did to me, kinda like a picture in my mind of what she did and who she really is. I flipped to that when it got rough. That picture in my mind makes me sick and cancels out the good times, it's like a wake up to reality splash in my face of cold water. So when I have a nice random thought sometimes like walking in the park with her etc... . I purposely switch thoughts to the bad picture.

Another thing I did was keep my mind busy on something else. I play guitar, I dove into that and increased my skills. Not just an hour a day, did it a ton of my time. I didn't listen to love songs either. My advice is do something you like to do and do it to the max for some relief while the pain begins to lessen. Or maybe learn something new. Play guitar all day, shop all day, watch tv all day, read a book all day, work out all day. If you dive into something and keep busy you will slowly adjust to her being gone (I know this is not easy to do though). Your wounds and more fresh than mine.

Yeah who would have ever thought after being told how much they love us that we are so disposable to them. I struggled and still do struggle somewhat in understanding how someone can be so cruel. Understanding BPD is helpful to get those answers. Mine is undiagnosed. She's either BPD or the devil or both. Hope your day turns around.

Peace,

AO

[cosmonaut]

I remember feeling the same way you do, Kelly, and it was agony.  When my ex left me, the emptiness and silence was all consuming.  I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep - all I could do was think of her.  It was very hard, and I remember the weekends being interminably vast expanses of time to endure.  I can tell you, though, that it will get better.  In time, all of these painful emotions will start to quiet and the ruminations will lessen.  Take heart that this will not last forever.

It's good to vent here.  Everyone here remembers how hard it was to detach from our partners.  The bond formed with a pwBPD is incredibly loaded and very powerful.  It is an incredible experience to be adored and idolized by our BPD partner at the start of our relationship.  I had never felt so alive and so understood and accepted.  It's hard to let go of the feeling that gave us and our yearning to get it back.  So, we can all relate.  It is a very difficult experience, but it is one we can learn a great deal from.

Hang in there, Kelly.  These days will pass, and better days are ahead.   

[Emelie Emelie]

   I'm with you today Kelly.  Struggling a lot.  The pain of rejection is horrible.  Trying to just take it one day at a time.  Just deal with today.  It helps me to realize that I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring.  Helps me deal with the fear that I'm going to long for him forever. 

[Infared]

"It's good to vent here.  Everyone here remembers how hard it was to detach from our partners.  The bond formed with a pwBPD is incredibly loaded and very powerful.  It is an incredible experience to be adored and idolized by our BPD partner at the start of our relationship.  I had never felt so alive and so understood and accepted.  It's hard to let go of the feeling that gave us and our yearning to get it back.  So, we can all relate.  It is a very difficult experience, but it is one we can learn a great deal from."

So true Cosmo... . so true... . that so describes the situation that I endured.  I wish I had known all this info then, but I did not. Hopefully knowing more will help Kelly sort this out emotionally sooner. My heart goes out to him.