After 4 months NC or info, checking FB reveals his new gf

[tango1492]

I've been out of the relationship with my uBPDxbf for 9 months and NC for 4 months. As I've mentioned in former posts, I've been struggling to detach, to stop obsessively checking his FB, and to stop having fantasies that we might get back together one day.

Today I finally saw what appears to be his new girlfriend. She's young and beautiful and seems to be successful and educated. It's painful to see, and I have so many questions. Is he in love with her? Is the sex as good as it was with us? Does he see himself with her long term? Do they really have deep intimacy or is she just companionship for him? Does he see himself with her long-term? etc etc etc

I saw that he looked at my LinkedIn profile about a week ago as well. So I also continue to question... . does he miss me? Does he think of working things out? Why would he look for me on LinkedIn if he didn't still think about me and miss me? What does that mean in relation to this new gf I've discovered?

See what I mean? The spinning thoughts are relentless. I know I need to stop checking his fb. But I keep thinking that maybe I'll find something there that will give me reason to believe he's trying to find his way back to me. I realize this is irrational, but it's like an addiction, this burning need to know something about his life and thought and feelings and plans.

[corraline]

Hello Tango1492

I totally get it.  It's so hard to break the addictive quality to these relationships.  That has been seriously hard for me too.  I just have to tell myself to turn those thoughts off when they come into my head. It's hard... I tell myself they don't serve me, either does the checking thing.  Luckily I don't have anything much to check.  I didn't check the dating site i used to catch him on this time we broke up.  I think i was just really done hurting myself... .

With that in mind, have you been working through the stages of detachment?

There is a Workshop called PERSPECTIVES: The Biology of Breaking Up - why it hurts [romantic partners]

Its in the detaching board, sorry gotta figure out this link thing otherwise i'd just stick it in this post that way.

Its pretty good info on the whole aspects of the addictive process in these relationships.

Practice self care, ... . this has gotta be about you now !

[LettingGo14]

See what I mean? The spinning thoughts are relentless. I know I need to stop checking his fb. But I keep thinking that maybe I'll find something there that will give me reason to believe he's trying to find his way back to me. I realize this is irrational, but it's like an addiction, this burning need to know something about his life and thought and feelings and plans.

Hello tango1492.   Our brains are relentless with repetitive thinking (rumination) when faced with a situation that is unresolved.   One academic study I read suggested that, typically, an end to rumination comes from attaining a goal or abandoning it.    This knowledge did not help me much when in the throes of rumination.

Two things have helped me end the relentless thoughts, and I thought I'd share:

1. I turned 100% focus back to myself.  About everything.   So, for instance, if I asked myself relentlessly whether my ex-girlfriend loved my replacement, I re-framed the question as, "How do I feel about being replaced?"   I'd write about my feelings.  I started to actually tell myself I welcomed feeling horribly (because, ultimately, the only way OUT is THROUGH the feelings).   Once I labeled how I felt and "held" it for a while, I'd start to work through the 10 beliefs that keep us stuck.   

2. I created mantras to "release" myself.  I would tell myself, I can release her.   I am releasing her.  I am taking care of myself by releasing her.  I am free.  I am taking care of myself.  Etc.

This is a process, and not a switch.  But, we can do it.  And we're here for you.

[Narellan]

Tango I'm such an over thinker too. I look for every possible scenario to every situation. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad! It's so hard not to do it. It's all about retraining our brains. Just recently I've started to block certain thoughts. I want to ruminate on them i kind if like obsessing over things, but I stop myself. I say " brain, you are not winning this time." Sounds really crazy to write that down but it's been working. It changes my thought processing and gives me a bit of power.

If that fails I take loads of vitamin B stress tablets. It really stops my cycling thoughts.

Oh and if you can ditch Facebook that will really help you in your recovery. I was a FB addict and I deactivated. A month later I feel great! I'm here instead

[Bach Cantatas]

I've been out of the relationship with my uBPDxbf for 9 months and NC for 4 months. As I've mentioned in former posts, I've been struggling to detach, to stop obsessively checking his FB, and to stop having fantasies that we might get back together one day.


I saw that he looked at my LinkedIn profile about a week ago as well. So I also continue to question... . does he miss me? Does he think of working things out? Why would he look for me on LinkedIn if he didn't still think about me and miss me? What does that mean in relation to this new gf I've discovered?

See what I mean? The spinning thoughts are relentless. I know I need to stop checking his fb. But I keep thinking that maybe I'll find something there that will give me reason to believe he's trying to find his way back to me. I realize this is irrational, but it's like an addiction, this burning need to know something about his life and thought and feelings and plans.

[/quote

Hello,

I am over 12 months out now and unrecognisable from the ruminating mess I found myself to be after a sudden and brutal discard. One of my "Eureka" moments came from realising that we all think of our relationship as being "point zero" and that everything leads from it. This is understandable due to the problems we may bring to it and the nature of the disorder suffered by those with BPD. The reality is that from an overall perspective, our involvement with this disordered person was merely a single link in a long chain of events and feelings. That chain started long before our link was forged and sadly will continue (for the disordered person) into the distant future. You have to now step away from that chain and embrace your healing and your freedom. Good luck!