How toset limit with dBPDw

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

So this weekend my BPDw finally looked at her friendship that has been questionable in my mind for over a year. After multiply tries over the last six month to communicate that it appeared to be turning into an emotoinal affair. While she was back for a visit for two days, as she moved back to her parents house 3 hrs away and 20 ,mins from him, we had some good talks that allowed so emotoinal connections to be rebuilt. We talked about seeing a marriage counselor or maybe a retreat. After she left with our two very young duaghters, She finally read a few web sites and came to agree with me by email on monday. As follows I started it off first.

me to her

Good Morning

We both are going to have a fun day of meetings. We are having a safety stand down today to address some problems somewhere in the company.  Hope it doesn’t go as long as yours.

Look at this web site and see if you would like to do it. The telephone- conference are on Monday nights 8:00 to 9:30. If you miss one you can listen to recording of it on the web site. There is a workbook also, they say to have about 3hrs a week total for the program.

Site is Marriagemax.com. You can read the tab “todays advise” it applys to us I think.

her reply

I read the website and feel that the Lone Ranger approach would be beneficial at this time. I am about to embark on my own journey of change with my career that having to focus on parenting, attending two groups per week, therapy monthly, maintaining my parents house and running has already put me at my limit. You have the option to determine why you feel I went to Her Friend for emotional support. I have read what an emotional affair entailes and agree to this. Although unaware of my actions, I can see through self reflection what has been occurring. I can only focus on me and change what I can. Unfortunately I cannot change you or determine why your actions lead me down that path. This is only something you can do.

With Love ( first time she said since before thanksgiving)

Good afternoon,

Are you learning a lot at the work force training, taking good notes like you do?

OK, with the program I can see you are Busy and completely understand.

I also understand and have told you what I did that made you feel like you needed to look somewhere else. I would like you to clarify your statement for me, Unfortunately I cannot change you or determine why your actions lead me down that path. This is only something you can do.  I understand and agree with the first half that you can’t change me. Not sure about the” or “part. Did you mean to say “that you need to determine why my actions lead you down that path?  Or did you mean Determine what made me have these actions of making you feel no emotional support.

Thank you for reading about this and being aware of the situation. At some point I would like to know how you plan to move forward on this with your new view point. I do understand mike is a good friend.

I still Do (love her)

She is a higher functioning BPD Has been in therapy most of the last 8 yrs. The improvements are solid improvements.  She still does know how to push my Insecurities and make me weaker If I get side tracked. I have never limited her seeing male friends. We have done way to many things with her ex's over the 8 yrs. There is always someone at least every six months. this has been the worst by far. I don't want a second  divorce, I did learn from the first time around.  I have coD and was holding my own until about 18 months ago.  Solid depression for that time frame around her. Not as bad at work.  Have been on meds and counseling for 5 weeks and feeling more normal. Have been here on site a lot. Started to validate her and stand up for myself again.

My question is how do I move forward setting limits? She is limiting visitation already with the girls.  She seems to be opening up more as normal as I get stronger( 3rd time she moved out). Looking For things I can do for reactions to her not wanting to stop contact. There is really now way to check on this anymore. She now knows not to use her phone to communicate. She can just use her parents land line now. She is 3 hrs. away. I don't want to put leaving on the table. But I need this behavior to stop if we are going to made it. I know what I was doing to set her emotional up to feel abandonment.

That is my part I'm working on along with my coD.

Thank you 

[KBNML]

Hello,

So this weekend my BPDw finally looked at her friendship that has been questionable in my mind for over a year. After multiply tries over the last six month to communicate that it appeared to be turning into an emotoinal affair. While she was back for a visit for two days, as she moved back to her parents house 3 hrs away and 20 ,mins from him, we had some good talks that allowed so emotoinal connections to be rebuilt. We talked about seeing a marriage counselor or maybe a retreat. After she left with our two very young duaghters, She finally read a few web sites and came to agree with me by email on monday. As follows I started it off first.

me to her

Good Morning

We both are going to have a fun day of meetings. We are having a safety stand down today to address some problems somewhere in the company.  Hope it doesn’t go as long as yours.

Look at this web site and see if you would like to do it. The telephone- conference are on Monday nights 8:00 to 9:30. If you miss one you can listen to recording of it on the web site. There is a workbook also, they say to have about 3hrs a week total for the program.

Site is Marriagemax.com. You can read the tab “todays advise” it applys to us I think.

her reply

I read the website and feel that the Lone Ranger approach would be beneficial at this time. I am about to embark on my own journey of change with my career that having to focus on parenting, attending two groups per week, therapy monthly, maintaining my parents house and running has already put me at my limit. You have the option to determine why you feel I went to Her Friend for emotional support. I have read what an emotional affair entailes and agree to this. Although unaware of my actions, I can see through self reflection what has been occurring. I can only focus on me and change what I can. Unfortunately I cannot change you or determine why your actions lead me down that path. This is only something you can do.

With Love ( first time she said since before thanksgiving)

Good afternoon,

Are you learning a lot at the work force training, taking good notes like you do?

OK, with the program I can see you are Busy and completely understand.

I also understand and have told you what I did that made you feel like you needed to look somewhere else. I would like you to clarify your statement for me, Unfortunately I cannot change you or determine why your actions lead me down that path. This is only something you can do.  I understand and agree with the first half that you can’t change me. Not sure about the” or “part. Did you mean to say “that you need to determine why my actions lead you down that path?  Or did you mean Determine what made me have these actions of making you feel no emotional support.

Thank you for reading about this and being aware of the situation. At some point I would like to know how you plan to move forward on this with your new view point. I do understand mike is a good friend.

I still Do (love her)

She is a higher functioning BPD Has been in therapy most of the last 8 yrs. The improvements are solid improvements.  She still does know how to push my Insecurities and make me weaker If I get side tracked. I have never limited her seeing male friends. We have done way to many things with her ex's over the 8 yrs. There is always someone at least every six months. this has been the worst by far. I don't want a second  divorce, I did learn from the first time around.  I have coD and was holding my own until about 18 months ago.  Solid depression for that time frame around her. Not as bad at work.  Have been on meds and counseling for 5 weeks and feeling more normal. Have been here on site a lot. Started to validate her and stand up for myself again.

My question is how do I move forward setting limits? She is limiting visitation already with the girls.  She seems to be opening up more as normal as I get stronger( 3rd time she moved out). Looking For things I can do for reactions to her not wanting to stop contact. There is really now way to check on this anymore. She now knows not to use her phone to communicate. She can just use her parents land line now. She is 3 hrs. away. I don't want to put leaving on the table. But I need this behavior to stop if we are going to made it. I know what I was doing to set her emotional up to feel abandonment.

That is my part I'm working on along with my coD.

Thank you 

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[Grey Kitty]

Hello and 

Sounds like a tough situation for you... . and on reading, I'm not exactly clear on your goal(s) with your wife. I think I see something of these in your post(s)... .

• Get your wife into the marriagemax program



• Get your wife to move back in with you



• Get your wife to break off EA with her ex



• Get more access to your daughters



• Communicate with her differently



• Something else I'm missing?

We will probably give you better support here if you are clear on what you are working on, and what priority it is.

My question is how do I move forward setting limits? She is limiting visitation already with the girls.  She seems to be opening up more as normal as I get stronger( 3rd time she moved out). Looking For things I can do for reactions to her not wanting to stop contact. There is really now way to check on this anymore. She now knows not to use her phone to communicate. She can just use her parents land line now. She is 3 hrs. away. I don't want to put leaving on the table.

Setting limits (and communicating them to your partner) doesn't sound like something that works with a pwBPD.

If you say to her "You can't do x" or "You must do y", your odds of getting the desired results are very poor.

What does work very well is enforcing boundaries. They sound like "If you do X, I will do Y to protect myself."

Some actions lend themselves to (relatively) easy and effective boundaries, like "If you verbally abuse me, I will leave the conversation immediately (as a way to protect myself from being subject to the abuse)."

Others are much tougher like "If you cheat on me, I will leave." This does work--You are protected from further cheating... . but the cost is obviously extremely high, often too high.

As far as this sort of boundary enforcement

But I need this behavior to stop if we are going to made it.

While this may be true, it isn't very helpful for you to look at it this way.

The only behavior you can stop is your own behavior--you have absolutely no control over her behavior. Trying will just make things difficult for both you and her.