BAM. Here I am.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have posted in another part of the forums before. Many things have changed and after a long period of hope things have gotten hurtful beyond belief.

I sent her an email earlier, wanted to hear your opinion on it.

I will give a quick rundown and a bit of a more in depth explanation of the current situation. I will try to keep it as brief as possible, since I am pretty confused as of now excuse if i eff up the timeline a bit, it's all just a blur at the moment. We will call her Trixie.

So.

I met trixie about two years ago. I was living in Europe, she lived in the States.

We hit off incredibly from the get go and we texted a lot. It was incredible.

After a couple of months I went to the US anyways so I visited her and ended up staying for 6 months (interrupted by one month in Dubai for work.)

To this point... . everything normal. Close to perfect. I've had contact with BPD and was aware of what red flags are... . but there weren't really any.

When I got back from Dubai we thought about our possibilities of making this relationship work. We applied for a K1 Visa so I could marry her and stay with her permanently. She was Very enthusiastic and was always making sure everything went perfect with the paperwork. She visited me in Europe shortly after in Europe.

Some might say red flag right there with the marriage. BUT. The way we talked about it made that suspicion relative. She wasn't all MARRIAGEMARRIAGE, we rather agreed that this is at the moment the only way of having a chance of staying together. Which it was.

So I had to get back to Europe. Things started SLIGHTLY changing. She slowly started growing increasingly suspicious and mistrusting over the months.

My best guess: at first I was perfect. Emotionally engaged but no danger. Now that I got "closer" I became a potential harm.

It got worse and worse and in Summer 2013 we had the first fall out. She wasn't very into helping with the paperwork anymore and texted me MUCH less. Which was very bizarre for me and made me insecure. So I asked what's up. Out of the blue she said I should not come as soon as I got the visa, since she would destroy us (her being "depressive" but not really giving any reasons.)

I panicked and called and texted (in retrospect a bit nuts, yeah,) which made her shut down completely. Almost no contact for two weeks except her calling me a psycho, controlling, obsessive etc.

I wrote her a long letter explaining how I saw things. She then sent me a mail saying "wish I could come visit."

I got her a ticket and she visited me for a week shortly after. Things were "good" again (not like in the very beginning but rather at the point of constant slight suspicion.) She rented a house for us when I will be there, having a female friend living there to split rent until I would come. She "moved out" a month before I got there. As I found out later she moved out because Trixie was constantly nagging her for the slightest noises etc. As if she was irritated by the slightest sign of someone else living there.

Guess this had to do with me coming closer and closer, her not being able to deal with it.

I got the visa in October and entered the US in November.

Things were good. We married mid January. It was beautiful.

Things went downhill from there. I was constantly walking on eggshells at home. Everything I did was upsetting her, I was constantly called irresponsible, I should get a job (which i wasn't allowed at that time - something she before would have never asked me to do.)

I was too loud, the way i ate annoyed her etc.

We got a dog. Then the dog became her motive for starting fights with me etc. It was as if we got him for that reason.

For two weeks we barely talked etc. It was a nightmare. I thought that she doesn't want me anymore, so one night I confronted her. We argued and then I said "if you want me to leave just tell me. I will just go. I don't deserve being treated like that." Well... . This sealed the deal for her I guess. She later said I could never take that back. Which at first I didn't understand. But now... . major trigger for her fears.

So two weeks of absolutely no communication, except short arguments. Silent treatment.

She informed me she has to go on a business trip.

"My colleagues are coming back on friday. I will stay until saturday."

No explanation as why she stayed longer. It was confusing. If she was meeting someone else in NYC she could have just said they all stay until saturday. Which I could have never found out.

The two days before she left she was getting "warmer" again. Even asked me to rub her and gave me kisses etc.

The day she left I felt confident we will make things work again. I came home in a good mood that night and found a letter on the bed. First I thought it was something positive.

Quite the opposite. She said I was the love of her life etc but we need to go separate ways etc. We will not "take a break", we are not a couple anymore. I called her.

She wasn't really cold but she sounded like the voice was hollow. No emotion nothing. She didn't talk a lot.

She informed me she has already rented a new apartment and asked me to be gone by the time she comes home on saturday.

The letter also said: If you stay in the US we will stay married until you have your green card, if you leave i will have the marriage annulled so we can go separate ways (doesn't really make sense... . huh?)

Friday I sent her an email saying I accept the break up but I can't move out that quickly.

She sent me back a niceish email saying i could stay and i don't have to feel like a prisoner either.

She came back and things were tense (I slept in another bedroom) but she got increasingly nicer again and we had good conversations. She opened up about her problems and said it's her fault, she's sorry and that she always ___ed up the relationships and that she want's to change. She promised me that we will have a chance.

We agreed on me going back to Europe for three months, because I would not be able to give her the space she needs while in the US (which would really have been the case,) but stay married. She said this is actually also in her eyes the best solution.

So I helped her move out and move into her new apartment. It was sad, but actually we also had fun and she opened up even more. It was like she explored the "new trust" she gained in me to not judge.

After I spent one night in the empty house she invited me to stay in her apartment for the last couple of days before my departure, because it would be depressing for me (which it was... . oh boy.)

We had lots of AWESOME conversations. She talked about getting a therapist etc. gave me pdf's she printed out at work about what she thinks is what her problem is (pretty spot on.)

We even had sex (which we didn't in close to 2 months.)

The day I left she was, after arriving at the airport, emotional. Not overly clingy etc. But promising me to wait, telling me I am the love of her life and that she is sorry for being such a f up and that I shouldn't leave her for one of all the normal girls.

When I arrived in Europe everything was "okay" for two days. Then the contact got less again. I thought "okay... . this is what we agreed on. SPACE." So I often only sent her a text in the morning and one in the evening saying I love her. Always got a response saying the same.

Last week she mentioned having talked to some dude about something hobby related (which was also interesting to me, but in retrospect weird that she mentioned it... . nothing important.)

I noticed that she liked photos of people she hates, she was joking around with people she painted black before. Bought a new car. Got a tattoo covered up. Lots of things that in retrospect look like she was trying to reinvent herself.

That week the contact got less (only two goodnights afterwards, sometimes very poorly written which is absolutely not her style.)

One night that week i noticed her not being online AT ALL. Which struck me as odd. After that... . NC on her part.

On saturday she sent me a text saying only: "I don't want to talk anymore. there is nothing left for us."

I spent that night in hospital after having a nervous break down.

She already has a new guy lined up. The guy she mentioned in the text. Seen a photo of them on FB. I now understand that the night "everything changed" and she went to NC before dumping me he must have been over at her place. It is impossible for her to have known him before that week. It's unreal how she can just switch me for him in a matter of days.

My guess is: when I left she herself thought the plan was good. But me being gone opened that hole inside her again and she had to fill it with someone to feel whole again.

I sent her an email earlier.

What do you guys think? How will she react?

[pipehitter]

I have posted in another part of the forums before. Many things have changed and after a long period of hope things have gotten hurtful beyond belief.

I sent her an email earlier, wanted to hear your opinion on it.

I will give a quick rundown and a bit of a more in depth explanation of the current situation. I will try to keep it as brief as possible, since I am pretty confused as of now excuse if i eff up the timeline a bit, it's all just a blur at the moment. We will call her Trixie.

So.

I met trixie about two years ago. I was living in Europe, she lived in the States.

We hit off incredibly from the get go and we texted a lot. It was incredible.

After a couple of months I went to the US anyways so I visited her and ended up staying for 6 months (interrupted by one month in Dubai for work.)

To this point... . everything normal. Close to perfect. I've had contact with BPD and was aware of what red flags are... . but there weren't really any.

When I got back from Dubai we thought about our possibilities of making this relationship work. We applied for a K1 Visa so I could marry her and stay with her permanently. She was Very enthusiastic and was always making sure everything went perfect with the paperwork. She visited me in Europe shortly after in Europe.

Some might say red flag right there with the marriage. BUT. The way we talked about it made that suspicion relative. She wasn't all MARRIAGEMARRIAGE, we rather agreed that this is at the moment the only way of having a chance of staying together. Which it was.

So I had to get back to Europe. Things started SLIGHTLY changing. She slowly started growing increasingly suspicious and mistrusting over the months.

My best guess: at first I was perfect. Emotionally engaged but no danger. Now that I got "closer" I became a potential harm.

It got worse and worse and in Summer 2013 we had the first fall out. She wasn't very into helping with the paperwork anymore and texted me MUCH less. Which was very bizarre for me and made me insecure. So I asked what's up. Out of the blue she said I should not come as soon as I got the visa, since she would destroy us (her being "depressive" but not really giving any reasons.)

I panicked and called and texted (in retrospect a bit nuts, yeah,) which made her shut down completely. Almost no contact for two weeks except her calling me a psycho, controlling, obsessive etc.

I wrote her a long letter explaining how I saw things. She then sent me a mail saying "wish I could come visit."

I got her a ticket and she visited me for a week shortly after. Things were "good" again (not like in the very beginning but rather at the point of constant slight suspicion.) She rented a house for us when I will be there, having a female friend living there to split rent until I would come. She "moved out" a month before I got there. As I found out later she moved out because Trixie was constantly nagging her for the slightest noises etc. As if she was irritated by the slightest sign of someone else living there.

Guess this had to do with me coming closer and closer, her not being able to deal with it.

I got the visa in October and entered the US in November.

Things were good. We married mid January. It was beautiful.

Things went downhill from there. I was constantly walking on eggshells at home. Everything I did was upsetting her, I was constantly called irresponsible, I should get a job (which i wasn't allowed at that time - something she before would have never asked me to do.)

I was too loud, the way i ate annoyed her etc.

We got a dog. Then the dog became her motive for starting fights with me etc. It was as if we got him for that reason.

For two weeks we barely talked etc. It was a nightmare. I thought that she doesn't want me anymore, so one night I confronted her. We argued and then I said "if you want me to leave just tell me. I will just go. I don't deserve being treated like that." Well... . This sealed the deal for her I guess. She later said I could never take that back. Which at first I didn't understand. But now... . major trigger for her fears.

So two weeks of absolutely no communication, except short arguments. Silent treatment.

She informed me she has to go on a business trip.

"My colleagues are coming back on friday. I will stay until saturday."

No explanation as why she stayed longer. It was confusing. If she was meeting someone else in NYC she could have just said they all stay until saturday. Which I could have never found out.

The two days before she left she was getting "warmer" again. Even asked me to rub her and gave me kisses etc.

The day she left I felt confident we will make things work again. I came home in a good mood that night and found a letter on the bed. First I thought it was something positive.

Quite the opposite. She said I was the love of her life etc but we need to go separate ways etc. We will not "take a break", we are not a couple anymore. I called her.

She wasn't really cold but she sounded like the voice was hollow. No emotion nothing. She didn't talk a lot.

She informed me she has already rented a new apartment and asked me to be gone by the time she comes home on saturday.

The letter also said: If you stay in the US we will stay married until you have your green card, if you leave i will have the marriage annulled so we can go separate ways (doesn't really make sense... . huh?)

Friday I sent her an email saying I accept the break up but I can't move out that quickly.

She sent me back a niceish email saying i could stay and i don't have to feel like a prisoner either.

She came back and things were tense (I slept in another bedroom) but she got increasingly nicer again and we had good conversations. She opened up about her problems and said it's her fault, she's sorry and that she always ___ed up the relationships and that she want's to change. She promised me that we will have a chance.

We agreed on me going back to Europe for three months, because I would not be able to give her the space she needs while in the US (which would really have been the case,) but stay married. She said this is actually also in her eyes the best solution.

So I helped her move out and move into her new apartment. It was sad, but actually we also had fun and she opened up even more. It was like she explored the "new trust" she gained in me to not judge.

After I spent one night in the empty house she invited me to stay in her apartment for the last couple of days before my departure, because it would be depressing for me (which it was... . oh boy.)

We had lots of AWESOME conversations. She talked about getting a therapist etc. gave me pdf's she printed out at work about what she thinks is what her problem is (pretty spot on.)

We even had sex (which we didn't in close to 2 months.)

The day I left she was, after arriving at the airport, emotional. Not overly clingy etc. But promising me to wait, telling me I am the love of her life and that she is sorry for being such a f up and that I shouldn't leave her for one of all the normal girls.

When I arrived in Europe everything was "okay" for two days. Then the contact got less again. I thought "okay... . this is what we agreed on. SPACE." So I often only sent her a text in the morning and one in the evening saying I love her. Always got a response saying the same.

Last week she mentioned having talked to some dude about something hobby related (which was also interesting to me, but in retrospect weird that she mentioned it... . nothing important.)

I noticed that she liked photos of people she hates, she was joking around with people she painted black before. Bought a new car. Got a tattoo covered up. Lots of things that in retrospect look like she was trying to reinvent herself.

That week the contact got less (only two goodnights afterwards, sometimes very poorly written which is absolutely not her style.)

One night that week i noticed her not being online AT ALL. Which struck me as odd. After that... . NC on her part.

On saturday she sent me a text saying only: "I don't want to talk anymore. there is nothing left for us."

I spent that night in hospital after having a nervous break down.

She already has a new guy lined up. The guy she mentioned in the text. Seen a photo of them on FB. I now understand that the night "everything changed" and she went to NC before dumping me he must have been over at her place. It is impossible for her to have known him before that week. It's unreal how she can just switch me for him in a matter of days.

My guess is: when I left she herself thought the plan was good. But me being gone opened that hole inside her again and she had to fill it with someone to feel whole again.

I sent her an email earlier.

What do you guys think? How will she react?

[pipehitter]

EMAIL:

Try to read it from the perspective of me not blaming you, telling you that you failed etc. We both ___ed up.

I have to get some things off of my chest that might be uncomfortable for both of us. Also because you were always my best friend and someone that I could openly talk to.

I’m disappointed. I’m not disappointed by you breaking up, things like this happen and I understand that you needed space. That you had to make this extreme maneuver to get yourself out of a situation that was overwhelming for you.

I also understand that feelings change… but I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you are able to already emotionally invest yourself in someone else, obviously also already physically around two weeks after I left.

Even if one would say „she couldn’t have promised you to wait,“ well I kind of get the point. But we agreed on telling each other should someone else pop up in our lives.

We’ve been together for close to two years and I thought you would honor all the wonderful things we had by at least being honest with something that basic we both agreed on. And I can’t really understand (beyond what i cognitively know about certain things) that you can be „ready“ for someone else, after that short amount of time… nobody can do that.

We both invested a lot into our relationship and to make it happen. I don’t say this to compare myself to anyone or to „wake you up“ and win you back… but replacing me within such a short amount of time and cutting someone out of your life that you know is incredibly understanding and loves you exactly the way you are for someone you barely know and that surely doesn’t know you is not the most rational of all things to do. I think it is something that isn’t really under your control, with all the things I learned. But you are a extremely intelligent and self-aware person… hard to believe you don’t seem to see this (especially after you said exactly this to me one night to comfort me: „why would I go through all this again when I have someone that I know is accepting. What happened to us is actually something that will help us.“)

I know that you are not responsible for the many, very bad things that happened to you, nevertheless I think if you do something like this you really contribute to things in your life that make you unhappy.

If you take a step back and look at the situation I am sure you can see it, for the reasons I mentioned earlier.

I hoped that I would be the catalyst for you to change certain patterns in your life and I was willing and prepared to do everything I can and endure really tough times to ultimately make you happy. The last days we spent together were better than ever from a certain perspective. We were open to each other and I learned a lot. And it felt like you noticed that you could trust me not to judge or run or whatever, beyond the things you trusted me with before.

I’m not calling you out and I don’t want to expose you, I think many things are an open secret between us anyways.

Looking at the big picture I see what happened to us, I don’t know if you looked at things linke this.

I am not saying I didn’t make any big mistakes, but I am trying to paint the big picture of the pattern here, so forgive me of leaving lots out.

When we got to know each other I was far away, which was comfortable for you in the beginning.

As soon as the K1 process started you started to become fearful of losing me, which lead to our first fall out.

The nearer the K1 came you started to push me away a bit, since I started to come too close.

When I finally got to the US things went downhill rather quickly, because you felt suffocated and irritated by my presence. I was getting emotionally so close that the potential hurt I could cause you was getting to big and you had to break out, push me away.

I did the thing I thought would be best to be able to give you space and left for a couple of months (you could have also just told me to come back after a week.)

The moment I was leaving things changed again, the potential of losing me was again scarier than having me here. So we talked on a different level again (remember the texts we sent each other at the airport and the things we said.)

But the moment I was gone there was this huge hole, combined with the „object discontinuity“ (google that) you had the subconscious urge to fill that hole, because it was unbearable. And so you did. The moment a certain thing happened was also the moment you stopped texting me for good and you had to „get rid of me,“ thus being extremely cold.

So yes, apart from the push pull that would have gone on anyways if i had stayed… I wouldn’t have left that hole that you had to fill to feel whole again had I stayed. And I am sorry for having done this to you.

There would have been solutions, but I think at the time (even longer ago) you thought you would lose me if you would make such „demands.“ Like living separately to begin with. And that you tried to suppress certain aspects of you to make things work. But I can tell you, sadly only in retrospect, that I would have been absolutely okay with doing and accepting all the things you need in order to be able to enjoy and live „your“ perfect relationship and be happy. Which would have been all that I needed to be happy myself. I love you as a whole.

I don’t know if you are aware to this point. But you didn’t only move out of the compound. You gradually started to change your whole life.

Stopped smoking, Tattoo cover up, new apartment, new car, getting back together with people you hated, new interests, liking things and people you called douchebags before and tons of other small details. It is like you are „reinventing“ XXX to a certain degree. In my opinion it is your way of blocking out the reality (memories etc.) that for a reason that is not really under your control you ended something without really wanting it (I think to protect yourself from negative thoughts you believe that it is what you truly want and that it is a conscious choice.)

Kind of ironically you do all the things that you always criticized about other people. Also you do the very things you sometimes accused me of. The things you said should never happen and you don’t understand how people can do such things.

Think about it for a moment.

I don’t tell you all this to say „seeeee… I know what you are doing“ or to make you look like the one that ___ed up. I don’t hold a grudge and I am not mad. I made my fair share of mistakes.

It’s more that I worry about the person I love most, that being also the reason I am still offering you help. Which is something not many people would do. If at all.

And even more people would call me an idiot for doing so.

But I can see through all the fog, hurt and confusion. And I know who the real XXX is. She als includes all these seemingly „irrational“ parts, they can’t be separated (like you told me and I now understand.) And I lcare for that whole person.

I also know that „someone knowing about all these things“ is one of the most scary things for you. Maybe you realizing I know „too much“ was also a reason of having to push me away out of shame etc. But it shouldn’t be.

You could find comfort in knowing you won the lottery and found someone that is willing to be with you, not overlooking and accepting certain aspects of you, but loving you for the very reason of them existing. And doing everything to make you feel comfortable (living separately, giving you space, not taking everything personally.)

I am not mad at you. I’m disappointed by a certain part of what happened. But I love you. I always will. After only

But as I said, I truly know who you are. And that makes me love you.

I am aware that this email probably will make you feel attacked, make you mad and you will think I call you crazy. But you aren’t crazy. Or that you „need help.“

Not at all, I’ve never seen you like this. And I don’t see you everything you do or say through some analytical glasses. You are my XXX. And that’s it.

I also think that me telling you I worry will make you think „what an idiot, nobody needs to worry because I do everything right.“ But I do.

If I worry about you or tell you things like above it is not to be condescending, blaming you or calling you an idiot.

I just think it was time to break that pattern. One that up to now never made you happy and can be quite dangerous.

I am aware that me knowing all these things and to protect yourself from seeing all this clearly you will or already have painted me black.

But at least try to remember from time to time that I never wanted and don’t want anything bad or possess you or whatever. It’s ultimately about you. Because YOUR happiness is what always was the most important to me.

After all that happened… one could expect I would hate you or smear you in front of other people etc. Almost everybody would do that. But i obviously don’t.

It’s not because I’m a „nice guy.“ I’m not a door mat. Think about the reasons for that. Think about the value and what these reasons would have meant for you.


I wish that you will be happy. Sincerely.

I will still help you should you ever hit a rough spot and need someone to talk.

I can guarantee you that you will never find someone like this again. Sadly.


I love you.

X

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Shes gonna twist that email.

Dont trust anything she says.

[pipehitter]

Shes gonna twist that email.

Dont trust anything she says.

ha. already got my reply.

"What is the purpose of these 10,000 word email? I mean what is the end result you want to get out of it? To convince me to do something? Please leave me alone. I mean it

___ off. I don't "need someone reminding me" about ME. How dare you "


Weird. It's the first time that i didn't get shaky when i heard the mail sound on my phone.

Sure, her words hurt. But far from making me hit rock bottom.

Kind of interesting she didn't try to deny her cheating. Which i expected. She just didn't acknowledge me mentioning it.

[jibber]

I've had so many discussions with her. I sent so many long emails like this, very gentle, trying to "make her see" (this isn't healthy, we can't make others "see", we can only open our own eyes).

You will never get a response, and if you do get a response, it will be very short. The response you got is a perfect example: very short, not aknowledging anything you said, telling you to ___ off. If you get a more detailed response, it will be her telling you all you ever did wrong, still not aknowledging a single thing you wrote to her.

It's very similar to banging your head against a brickwall. The brickwall is not gonna move, but you will destroy your head if you don't stop.

Be kind to yourself. Detach. Accept it's over.

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow, sorry man, your story reminds me very much of mine, and I'm sorry you're going through that; been there, done that, very painful.

BPD is a serious mental illness, characterized in part by "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."  You and I can attest to that, having lived it and felt the pain it causes.

You are freshly out of it and still in it emotionally, but start to consider how caught up in the drama you got and why.  Your email to her was full of rational thought and explanation, things that will fall on deaf ears when a borderline is triggered.  But why did we keep trying when we weren't connecting and there was never any resolution to anything?  For me the stress was more internal, self-imposed, when from a more detached place I see now she wasn't close to capable of working towards resolutions and having rational conversations about important relationship issues, she was just too caught up in her own chaos.  But why did I keep pushing forward anyway, caught up in my own chaos, triggered in my own way, to the point the relationship became 100% dysfunctional.  Yet I still forged ahead.

We were blindsided in a sense, to cut us a little slack, someone beautiful shows up and responds and relates to us in ways that seem perfect, a dream come true, until the dream turns into a nightmare.  Why did we get so lost in it?  Because we gave it our all, as people do, not realizing what we were getting into.  The part that deserves the most focus is the mental excursions we took when things got crazy.  Whoa.

Rambling.  Maybe some value for you there.  One foot in front of the other my friend, it gets better, much better.  Take care of you!

[pipehitter]

I've had so many discussions with her. I sent so many long emails like this, very gentle, trying to "make her see" (this isn't healthy, we can't make others "see", we can only open our own eyes).

You will never get a response, and if you do get a response, it will be very short. The response you got is a perfect example: very short, not aknowledging anything you said, telling you to off. If you get a more detailed response, it will be her telling you all you ever did wrong, still not aknowledging a single thing you wrote to her.

It's very similar to banging your head against a brickwall. The brickwall is not gonna move, but you will destroy your head if you don't stop.

Be kind to yourself. Detach. Accept it's over.

What's weird and sad is that I had longer talks about it before, her acknowledging everything. It felt like a break through... . now it's all gone. I will have to accept that. Every toxic mail from her actually helps.

Also what I noticed... . before I (knowing that this thought model is wrong, they are tied together) there are two trixies... . but the last two weeks of being together there were three.

The cold and mean one.

The "positive" side of borderline.

But then there was the "normal" girl. Neither too extreme warm or cold.

I thought after having gotten in contact with the grey girl there was a chance... . but she destroyed everything by cheating and lying me in the face.

BUT. I actually don't think she "lied". She functioned to the best of her abilities. Me leaving triggered her hole... . she needed someone to feel whole again.

[jibber]

I had this too, that she would aknowledge things in certain moments, mostly when she tried to recycle once more. It was always forgotten very fast.

It felt like a breakthrough each time and gave me hope. I truly wanted to believe she had seen some light, could finally look into the mirror herself too, etc. What i didn't realize for a long time was... . She never meant it, she just said it so i would finally shut up and take her in my arms again.

It's sad and it hurts. We can all relate very much i think.

[heartandwhole]

Hi pipehitter,

I'm really sorry about your breakup.  That sudden turnabout can feel so devastating.  I have been there, and it hurt so much.

I'm not sure if you've seen this information, but it helped me tremendously when I first came here: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

I remember feeling kind of in shock right after my breakup.  What feelings are coming up for you, pipehitter?

[pipehitter]

Hi pipehitter,

I'm really sorry about your breakup.  That sudden turnabout can feel so devastating.  I have been there, and it hurt so much.

I'm not sure if you've seen this information, but it helped me tremendously when I first came here: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

I remember feeling kind of in shock right after my breakup.  What feelings are coming up for you, pipehitter?

Thank you.

Actually difficult to grasp how i actually feel.

When she sent me the text, out of the blue, on saturday my body just shut down.

I'm someone that can take a lot (which I not only prove during the relationship... . ), but my body just shut down. I collapsed, hyperventilated and hit my head against the floor. I almost passed out from hyperventilation, I saw her face in front of me. Her tear filled eyes at the airport.

Luckily my sister was over that night and she brought me to hospital (she's a MD). They knocked me out with pills. The days after are a blur.

Today was the first day I kind of came to an understanding what really happened. And that there is no chance. It hurts.

In retrospect, when I went through the texts I found out that she must have had this guy over last Tuesday (she wasn't online for more than 16 hours which is more than odd for her,) and it was after that night that she didn't contact me or responded anymore. While I still sent her a "goodnight. i love you" every night to make her feel secure during the time I give her space. Saturday, like I said, the text came.

Today I was alternating between "it will be alright", numbness and earlier laying on the floor crying my eyes out.


I love her. And I worry about her.

[pipehitter]

I have one question which really is bothering me. Not because I want her back (well at least my conscious mind,) but for some reason it bothers me.

Here it goes:

When she gave me the break up letter before leaving for NYC for the business trip she wrote:

- If you stay in the US we will stay married so you can stay here and build a life. We will not be seeing each other though. If you should decide to go back to Europe I will have the marriage annulled so we can both go on with our lives.

When I asked her about it she said: I only said that to be fair and you can be here, since you have possibilities. I accepted the answer, because I didn't want to argue. I think in itself it doesn't really make sense (especially her telling me she would be scared of me being irresponsible and ruining her credit etc at an earlier point)... . or am I overthinking.

- Two days ago I sent her an email, very business like. I told her I will not come back since I came over for her, not for "possibilities". I have them here (mind you... I gave up a 60k+job for her.)

I was interested to see what she would say, so i added:

"Still. i will leave the decision about the marriage to you. It might give you the possibility to live in Europe, maybe you will one day just need to get away from the US for some time."

She didn't disappoint me by sending a very weird response:

"Okay. I will let you know what I plan on doing after I know what I plan on doing."

What the heck. I mean, first of all total contradiction of what she said in the letter. Also... . why would she even bother staying married if she "doesn't give a flying f about me".

Btw. in the same email she went on to ask me to borrow her $1700. AFTER I told her the day before that I knew EVERYTHING about her cheating.

So. Can anyone come up with a theory for both the part from the letter and her cryptic answer to my question... . and the combination of both?

[pipehitter]

I might add... this lack of logic and pulling through with a decision is really weird for her.

She is highly functioning and always rubs everyone in the face that SHE makes quick and wise decisions and that she always knows what is best and blablabla... .

So this kind of grinds my gears... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm hearing shame pipehitter.  My ex, and borderlines in general, are mired in shame; the pattern is to feel some shame or guilt, do something impulsive to alleviate the feeling, feel more shame and/of guilt as a result, do something else impulsive, and on and on.  The shame and guilt just grows, the result of maladaptive coping tools.  She might know on some level that she screwed you royally, so she's trying to throw you the bone of staying married so you can be in the States legally, to alleviate her own feelings.  And not thinking it through to the emotional impact that has on you, because she isn't capable of empathy and/or is too hung up on her own sht.

Just a theory, apply as needed.

[pipehitter]

I'm hearing shame pipehitter.  My ex, and borderlines in general, are mired in shame; the pattern is to feel some shame or guilt, do something impulsive to alleviate the feeling, feel more shame and/of guilt as a result, do something else impulsive, and on and on.  The shame and guilt just grows, the result of maladaptive coping tools.  She might know on some level that she screwed you royally, so she's trying to throw you the bone of staying married so you can be in the States legally, to alleviate her own feelings.  And not thinking it through to the emotional impact that has on you, because she isn't capable of empathy and/or is too hung up on her own sht.

Just a theory, apply as needed.

Makes perfect sense in many situations, probably for the letter.

But the email got me, since I also explained that, besides me not wanting to live there without her, it would be impossible to get the conditions of my green card removed in the future if we are not genuinely living together (they have ways of finding that out, not going into details.) She would in that case also face SERIOUS trouble. Something she normally would be extremely concerned about, especially doing it for someone she "has no feelings for anymore." I told her all this and she knows that. So she knows for a fact that, in the current situation at least, there is no way for me to live in the US and that I won't.

Still she at least acts like she is pondering staying married for the moment. Incredibly bizarre knowing her.

[Johnny Alias]

You're a toy.  Nothing more nothing less.  You were entertaining, but now you aren't.  She threw you to back of closet and kept you there because you were broken, but occasionally brought you out to play. 

Now she doesn't care and you're in the attic.  She might still call on you one day. 

You need to escape and completely block her. 

She never cared about you.  She cared about what you could do for her.  Period. 

Move on.  Get ready for PAIN.  Work out every day.  Date women as soon as you're ready. 

She's gone... . and in reality... . was never there. 

[HazelJade]

You're a toy.  Nothing more nothing less.  

I don't agree with this. Johnny Alias, yours are sound advice, and I understand completely where you are coming from. Sometimes, splitting THEM black help us, cause we will fell anger instead of a devastating depression. But I don't think Pipehitter is at that stage yet. He's still in the stage of grieving, possibly in the worst phase of it. And he's trying to UNDERSTAND her to understand what really happened to him. I spent almost 2 years in that stage. Sometimes it's a long process, and you can't accelerate it.

Pipehitter, I think she has cared for you. And you are right when you say that many of the things they do feel "out of place" and not consistent; I think that our intuition is right about this, there is not just one person inside them, and we spend a huge amount of time trying to make sense of this.

The mistake is thinking that the loving person is more real than the other.

They both are, and the toxic one can be extremely dangerous for our mental health. There's no way and no letter that can make them see this, otherwise they wouldn't have a problem. Write all the letters you want, but don't send them. They are for you. The best thing you can do for yourself, and for her too is to step out of the "saviour" role, cause it's the very thing that will prevent you to accept that the toxic side is real; the better way to help her is to show her what healthy boundaries look like.

wishing you the very best, you will make it.

[fromheeltoheal]

there is not just one person inside them, and we spend a huge amount of time trying to make sense of this.

The mistake is thinking that the loving person is more real than the other.

They both are, and the toxic one can be extremely dangerous for our mental health.

To clarify, BPD sufferers do not have multiple personalities, which is what this implies.  A borderline's emotional development was arrested when the original trauma occurred, a young age, so the sufferer sees things in black and white instead of shades of gray, and as we know life is shades of gray.  Think about a 3 year old kid who can say they "hate you and want you to die" and mean it, and three minutes later, when they get the ice cream or are allowed to stay up 10 minutes later, or whatever, they say they love you and also mean it.  Borderlines too, impulsive with unstable moods.  Confusing when someone is in an adult body and parrots 'grown up' well, but when triggered the real version shows up.

And of course seeing things in black and white, all good or all bad, is a defense mechanism, splitting, that we all use to one degree or another.  People are a combo of good and bad traits, or really traits we like and traits we don't, and if we have a falling out with someone it's easy to accentuate the person's negative qualities to justify the falling out, or accentuate the positive ones when we fall in love i.e. love is blind.

[GlitterBug]

Shes gonna twist that email.

Dont trust anything she says.

ha. already got my reply.

"What is the purpose of these 10,000 word email? I mean what is the end result you want to get out of it? To convince me to do something? Please leave me alone. I mean it

off. I don't "need someone reminding me" about ME.

This is so strange! After I sent something similar I got the following reply:

''Stop sending your essay length messages, theyre pathetic - Stop texting me, I'll just block you'

This was in reply to one average length message that contained no vile things or abuse (thats not my style).

[Johnny Alias]

You're a toy.  Nothing more nothing less.  

And he's trying to UNDERSTAND her to understand what really happened to him. I spent almost 2 years in that stage. Sometimes it's a long process, and you can't accelerate it.

Pipehitter, I think she has cared for you.

Well, you're certainly entitled to your opinion, but saying she cared for him implies that she can care for him again. 

After what I just read how can you say she cared for him if she lied to, cheated on, and devalued him?  Do these sound like the actions of a caring loving person? 

I think she did care about what he could do for her... . be it sex, money, emotional attention, etc.  This is how it goes for many of us.  We are sucked dry til we have nothing left and then they move onto the next victim because we're out of energy or not playing by their rules anymore. 

I know it sounds harsh.  But I'd rather be angry and accept this interpretation of events and move on than stew in the world of "Why did they do this to me?"  If you're not a disordered person you will NEVER understand what they feel... . and to be honest I don't think they even understand themselves or their actions... .  

Selfish children that cannot be reasoned with.  And I get it... . I do... . I was here for a LOONG time and in agonizing pain.  The things that pulled me out were therapy, time, dating other women, and the acceptance that she might not be evil... . but neither is a rabid dog... . and I'm allowed to be angry that a rabid dog bit one of my fingers off.  Lol.

[pipehitter]

I felt reasonably okay today.

Her blocking me on FB earlier just gave me bad soul aids.

I just thought about that everything is gone. All her likes etc.

Not like I looked at them constantly or so... . but think about it that way:

It's really a destructive thing to do. Like we NEVER HAD ANY contact.

It feels like I have a rock in my chest.

I bought a new phone today. My Iphone (which I only bought to send her free texts) reminded me too much. And I am not ready (yet) to delete every trace of her on it. So I just got a new phone and put the Iphone in a drawer.

It hit me: stupid thought. But if she wanted to text me she couldn't.

It's tough today.

[redbaron5]

Spot on Johnny Alias, Spot... ___ing... on. 

She doesn't care about you, she never did. She Cluster B, you can't understand it, do not try.

She speaks a different language, It sounds like your own language, but it is not. "I love you" does not mean to her what it means to you.

She has forgotten about you like she forgets about a broken toy, she goes out and buys a new one. You are old news.

That is the sad truth about Cluster B Disordered women. This is no different than you getting into a car accident, It sucks that it happened, you were unlucky and decived by someone who looks on the surface like a human being, but you got out alive. Now go live your life, make yourself happy.

Don't be mad at your EX. Would you be mad at a kid with down syndrome that could not do calculus? She does not understand, she never will. Just like the kid with down syndrome would never understand, do not waste your time trying to teach.

Move on with your life, there are 3 billion women on the planet, find a good one.