NC and Collateral Damage - Help

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I have a dilema... .

It's been almost 5 months NC since I was told by pwBPD that she had 'washed her hands of me' and that she 'didn't need people like me in her life' and I was 'to stay out her life and she wuld stay out of mine'.

I have honoured her wishes altough my heart still breaks a little more every day - She was my closest friend and we grew up together to be just like sisters; we shared all of lifes up's and down's.

Anyway, she has a daughter who is 8 now and she is my god daughter - I have been in her life since she was born and loved her even before she arrived, she has been a constant in my life and I a constant in hers (seeing her 2-3 times a week minimum), we also all lived together for 3yrs.

So I've been told to stay away with a DECMA - There was no chance to talk through what was a silly disagreement that got waaaay out of hand, I was blocked, sworn at, called all manner of things and told I was a vile person and told in no uncertain terms to not send any further messages.

I have done just as she asked but this has meant I have now lost contact with my god daughter who I love and miss dearly. I don't know what version of events she has been told to explain away my sudden absense. She is a very curious character and would have definitely askedb about me by now.

I'm not so much concerned with whatever smear campaign has been waged by her mum, I just don't want my god daughter to feel like I have left without explanation band even more importantly, I don't want her to feel like I didn't love and care about her.

She has has a lot of people walk in and out of her life over the years and I never wanted to be one of those people, I wanted to be a constant for her but that choice has been taken away.

I've tried to make arrangements to meet a mutual friend who is also god mother to the little girl, she lives with pwBPD so I understand she is looking after her own interests and she is currently painted white and doesn't want to jeapordise her position - She has been extremely reluctant to see me and we have gone from chatting almostever day to her not contacting me at all without me first making contact - I haven't seen her since January when it all happened.

I am terrified though that if I do send something it will make its way back to pwBPD and I cannot bare to be raged at again and called all sorts of awful things and told my life is pointless ect - I think I'm more terrfied that she could contact me vi our mutual friend and demand I stay away from my god daughter and any mention of her. It may sound cowardly, but I can't take a heartbreak like that

I wanted to talk to her about our god daughter and for her to know that this was not my choice, Ihave not just walked out of her life because I didn't care. Its obvious that our mutual friend has decided where her allegience lies and I doubt I will ever see her again either so I;m stuck in this position where I want to just put it out there that I didn't just leave because I was having some kind of childish stubborn tantrum, I left because I was told to and I will stay away because I have to.

The words used by pwBPD were so unbelievably hurtful,I know that the bond is forever gone and I don't know yet if I will ever really get over this.

I still have out mutual friend on Facebook and the lines of communication are open with her for the time being at least - Would you suggest writing this down and sending it to her? I know she won't raise this with my god daughter and I wouldn't expect her to but I just feel that I need it to be 'out there' so to speak, so someone knows that I do care for her, that I didn't just leave without a second thought and that I will love her and miss her alway.

Any advice or input is much welcome!

[GlitterBug]

So I have a dilema... .

It's been almost 5 months NC since I was told by pwBPD that she had 'washed her hands of me' and that she 'didn't need people like me in her life' and I was 'to stay out her life and she wuld stay out of mine'.

I have honoured her wishes altough my heart still breaks a little more every day - She was my closest friend and we grew up together to be just like sisters; we shared all of lifes up's and down's.

Anyway, she has a daughter who is 8 now and she is my god daughter - I have been in her life since she was born and loved her even before she arrived, she has been a constant in my life and I a constant in hers (seeing her 2-3 times a week minimum), we also all lived together for 3yrs.

So I've been told to stay away with a DECMA - There was no chance to talk through what was a silly disagreement that got waaaay out of hand, I was blocked, sworn at, called all manner of things and told I was a vile person and told in no uncertain terms to not send any further messages.

I have done just as she asked but this has meant I have now lost contact with my god daughter who I love and miss dearly. I don't know what version of events she has been told to explain away my sudden absense. She is a very curious character and would have definitely askedb about me by now.

I'm not so much concerned with whatever smear campaign has been waged by her mum, I just don't want my god daughter to feel like I have left without explanation band even more importantly, I don't want her to feel like I didn't love and care about her.

She has has a lot of people walk in and out of her life over the years and I never wanted to be one of those people, I wanted to be a constant for her but that choice has been taken away.

I've tried to make arrangements to meet a mutual friend who is also god mother to the little girl, she lives with pwBPD so I understand she is looking after her own interests and she is currently painted white and doesn't want to jeapordise her position - She has been extremely reluctant to see me and we have gone from chatting almostever day to her not contacting me at all without me first making contact - I haven't seen her since January when it all happened.

I am terrified though that if I do send something it will make its way back to pwBPD and I cannot bare to be raged at again and called all sorts of awful things and told my life is pointless ect - I think I'm more terrfied that she could contact me vi our mutual friend and demand I stay away from my god daughter and any mention of her. It may sound cowardly, but I can't take a heartbreak like that

I wanted to talk to her about our god daughter and for her to know that this was not my choice, Ihave not just walked out of her life because I didn't care. Its obvious that our mutual friend has decided where her allegience lies and I doubt I will ever see her again either so I;m stuck in this position where I want to just put it out there that I didn't just leave because I was having some kind of childish stubborn tantrum, I left because I was told to and I will stay away because I have to.

The words used by pwBPD were so unbelievably hurtful,I know that the bond is forever gone and I don't know yet if I will ever really get over this.

I still have out mutual friend on Facebook and the lines of communication are open with her for the time being at least - Would you suggest writing this down and sending it to her? I know she won't raise this with my god daughter and I wouldn't expect her to but I just feel that I need it to be 'out there' so to speak, so someone knows that I do care for her, that I didn't just leave without a second thought and that I will love her and miss her alway.

Any advice or input is much welcome!

[arjay]

I hear you and I feel your pain.  Children are often caught in the middle of divorce/separation.  With no parental rights for you and not being able to maintain a relationship with the child is heartbreaking.  This is a really tough one because you run the risk of causing bigger problems, if the parent insists on you staying away.  Trying to "get an inside" via someone else likely is not going to end up well either.

I know you want to leave this child with the knowledge that you love her and are saddened this has happened.   I just don't know how you could ever do that, without risking a far worse situation to yourself and to the child.  The mother may find out and have harsh words for not only you but the child.

Offer up your prayer to the universe that the child grows up healthy and finds peace in her adult life, in spite of the environment she is in.  Hopefully the "new person" (god parent) will continue to provide the love and support that you did.  

Peace to you and the child

[GlitterBug]

I hear you and I feel your pain.  Children are often caught in the middle of divorce/separation.  With no parental rights for you and not being able to maintain a relationship with the child is heartbreaking.  This is a really tough one because you run the risk of causing bigger problems, if the parent insists on you staying away.  Trying to "get an inside" via someone else likely is not going to end up well either.

I know you want to leave this child with the knowledge that you love her and are saddened this has happened.   I just don't know how you could ever do that, without risking a far worse situation to yourself and to the child.  The mother may find out and have harsh words for not only you but the child.

Offer up your prayer to the universe that the child grows up healthy and finds peace in her adult life, in spite of the environment she is in.  Hopefully the "new person" (god parent) will continue to provide the love and support that you did.  

Peace to you and the child

Hi Arjay,

Thank you for your lovely post - Yeah I guess in a situation like this all I can do really is hope that she has a good and fulfilling life - I don't ever want her to be the subject of her mum's unreasonale attitude so I will stay well away.

I think my heart will always be forever fractured.

[laelle]

I think Arjay has some excellent advice here.  There isnt much that you can do that will improve the current situation.  Trying to get info from others will end up getting your good intentions turned around on you.  I have to say that I find your post so loving and endearing.  I wish more than anything that you could keep the relationship with her daughter, and I can understand how deeply painful this is for you.

Let it be GlitterBug and keep her in your thoughts and prayers.