Why do she pick on every little thing I'd done

[expos]

I was under such scrutiny all the time.  My appearance, behavior, my job, my relationship with my family, it was under a microscope.  I was never good enough.

Why do they pick on every little thing you've done, and want you to be perfect, when they are far from perfect themselves?

Is it projection?  :)o they hate themselves?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes and yes.  Plus throw in devaluation as a means to undermine your confidence and control you, and maybe an avoidant attachment style.  And the chaos of loving you and then hating you and then loving you, both at 100%.  Fun roller coaster for a while, then we puke and want nothing more than to get off the ride.  Of we get kicked off, which in hindsight is merciful.

[LettingGo14]

I was under such scrutiny all the time.  My appearance, behavior, my job, my relationship with my family, it was under a microscope.  I was never good enough.

Why do they pick on every little thing you've done, and want you to be perfect, when they are far from perfect themselves?

Is it projection?  :)o they hate themselves?

Here's my non-clinical answer:  It's always much easier to look outside of ourselves, and much more painful to look inside.  For anyone, with or without disorder.  

For a more thorough discussion:  Splitting

 

[Skip]

I loved her intensely, but she insulted family members, her friends, my hobbies/passions, and anything that didn't involve praising her. She was also extremely jealous of others, and would lay on the couch all weekend if someone had a baby, bought a new house, or went on a elaborate vacation.

It sounds like she was really struggling to cope with her life and that she often felt out of control.  In reading some of your old posts, she sounds like she had a great deal of inner turmoil.

To some extent, I wold guess that she was reflecting back the critical attitudes she perceived others had for her. Some highly sensitive people respond this way.

Yes and yes.  Plus throw in devaluation as a means to undermine your confidence and control you, and maybe an avoidant attachment style. 

I think as unpleasant as all this was, it often is not a means to grind you down - although it may have - but rather resentment that you haven't saved her.

[expos]

Thanks for the responses... .

So they want to be seen a particular way to others?  It is WAY too hard to look inward and fix themselves?  If so, why?

[JackBlacknBlue]

I don't know if this is good way to think about it but when my upBPD friend starts picking on me, I imagine I am being talked to by a 3 year old person.  I imagine them  saying things like "you're a doo doo head" and making up stories that are nearly illogical in comprehension.  With a three year old, I don't try to sort out facts or make sense of the logic.  I just acknowledge that they are frustrated or mad or whatever and suggest alternative activities they or we could go do until they get through the emotional turmoil they are experiencing.  It is my way of coping through the emotional attacks.  

I stopped asking myself for reasons why I am being picked on, and just know that picking on me is the result of my friend not knowing how to have an emotionally mature conversation.  In good times, I am friends with a 40+ year old woman.  In bad times, I am coping with being attacked by an angry 3 year old girl.

[pipehitter]

well. in my case it was:

you are eating too loud, slamming doors, BE QUIET, you are standing to close to people in line at publix you don't do this in the us, WALK QUIETLY the list goes on.

she one day kind of explained it to me.

she said she has a real problem with someone living with her.

she then, after some time gets irritated by everything.

my guess is that i was disturbing her when she was "phasing out" while crafting and watching tv etc.

i kind of know the feeling from myself, in a sane way.

think of you being on vacation with a friend and he kind of starts annoying you, you need time for yourself and you start getting irritated by smaller things he does.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes and yes.  Plus throw in devaluation as a means to undermine your confidence and control you, and maybe an avoidant attachment style. 

I think as unpleasant as all this was, it often is not a means to grind you down - although it may have - but rather resentment that you haven't saved her.

More like resentment that she wouldn't come to me, emotionally, there was always a distance.  I've been learning a lot about attachment styles; she was avoidant and I have an anxious attachment style, toxic combo.  And moving forward has included accepting that she wouldn't come to me because she couldn't, and I need to be much more aware of the attachment style of future potential mates.

Thanks for the responses... .

So they want to be seen a particular way to others?  It is WAY too hard to look inward and fix themselves?  If so, why?

LettingGo is also referring to us, how making it all about the borderline's woes is our own version of splitting, easy to focus outwardly on the disorder and the sufferer than look at our part, which is probably much more significant than we make it, our own defense mechanism.

[LettingGo14]

LettingGo is also referring to us, how making it all about the borderline's woes is our own version of splitting, easy to focus outwardly on the disorder and the sufferer than look at our part, which is probably much more significant than we make it, our own defense mechanism.

My own view is evolving a bit -- I spent so much time thinking about how my ex-girlfriend viewed me that I missed sight of the fact that my OWN view of me should be influenced by ME.   I clung to the humiliation, and her words, until -- BOOM!  It hit me:

I am the author of me.  Not my ex.  When I accept her humiliation of me, it goes away.  I no longer fight it, I no longer contest it, I no longer plead my case to her in my own mind.   Why?  Because the words are just words -- even moreso now that they exist only in my memory.   

[fromheeltoheal]

LettingGo is also referring to us, how making it all about the borderline's woes is our own version of splitting, easy to focus outwardly on the disorder and the sufferer than look at our part, which is probably much more significant than we make it, our own defense mechanism.

My own view is evolving a bit -- I spent so much time thinking about how my ex-girlfriend viewed me that I missed sight of the fact that my OWN view of me should be influenced by ME.   I clung to the humiliation, and her words, until -- BOOM!  It hit me:

I am the author of me.  Not my ex.  When I accept her humiliation of me, it goes away.  I no longer fight it, I no longer contest it, I no longer plead my case to her in my own mind.   Why?  Because the words are just words -- even moreso now that they exist only in my memory.   

Yes, and the other piece is removing her, and anyone else, from our lives who treats us like that.  Boundaries, what a concept!

[LettingGo14]

Yes, and the other piece is removing her, and anyone else, from our lives who treats us like that.  Boundaries, what a concept!

  Yup.