"... because I really want to hurt you"

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am currently doing the Desmond Tutu's Global Forgiveness Challenge. I chose my ex as the person I most want and need to forgive right now. I am on day 11 which deals with owning my feelings with the pain I have experienced with my ex. This brought up a lot of stuff and I reflected on one particular blowout from her that marked the end for me... .

We were staying with my family in Scotland, only just arrived the evening before. She had been on a roll of abuse for 5 days straight before we got there and I was very much punch drunk. Of course she was on a charm offensive when meeting my family for the first time the night before and they loved her immediately. Behind the scenes she was dark and mean and told me not to touch her and to sleep away from her. I found some confidence being around my family and decided that I wasn't going to take her ___ any longer so I was detached.

She confronted me early in the morning and went on a tirade of abuse that was more shocking and frightening than I have ever experienced in my life. In a 15 minute period she tried to destroy me with her words. these are some of the things she said to me:

-I was ugly inside and out

-I was a failure in life

-I was hopeless in bed

-I stank

-She hated my hair, the way I dressed

-I would be a failure as a father that's why she would never have a child with me

-She disrespected my late wife in a vile manner

-she accused me of being a criminal, a con-man and a danger to society

-she told me I was cocky and smug all of a sudden because I was with my family

-Told me  that I should man up, grow some balls about 20 times

-she warned me that she was going to find a real man who coul F**k her properly very soon.

- she said that we can't even escape in sex and I don't have enough money to give her the best things in life so what's the point in being with me.

-she told me about all the guys ( her "friends" who wanted to sleep with her and she was considering options.

- she finished off by telling me that I was the most disgusting, dispicable and horrible man she has ever met.

she was like a monster in front of me... eyes bulging and literally frothing at the mouth.

To my credit, I stood in front of her with a dispassionate expression and although her words were like hot pokers piercing my heart and soul, I did not react.

I asked her if she was ill and why she felt the need to say such things to someone.

Shamefully she looked down and said that I trigger her .

She told me "I really want to hurt you".

I calmly asked her to pack her bags and get out of my family home and my life. She eventually left a while later after some half hearted attempts to reverse the situation but I was having none of it.

There was a mini recycle a week later but I know recognise that this was the end. There was another few weeks of mayhem as I was trying to extract myself and get my belongings from her home in London.

I get shivers when I think of those 15 minutes of complete madness.

This was traumatic.

[Lion Fire]

I am currently doing the Desmond Tutu's Global Forgiveness Challenge. I chose my ex as the person I most want and need to forgive right now. I am on day 11 which deals with owning my feelings with the pain I have experienced with my ex. This brought up a lot of stuff and I reflected on one particular blowout from her that marked the end for me... .

We were staying with my family in Scotland, only just arrived the evening before. She had been on a roll of abuse for 5 days straight before we got there and I was very much punch drunk. Of course she was on a charm offensive when meeting my family for the first time the night before and they loved her immediately. Behind the scenes she was dark and mean and told me not to touch her and to sleep away from her. I found some confidence being around my family and decided that I wasn't going to take her ___ any longer so I was detached.

She confronted me early in the morning and went on a tirade of abuse that was more shocking and frightening than I have ever experienced in my life. In a 15 minute period she tried to destroy me with her words. these are some of the things she said to me:

-I was ugly inside and out

-I was a failure in life

-I was hopeless in bed

-I stank

-She hated my hair, the way I dressed

-I would be a failure as a father that's why she would never have a child with me

-She disrespected my late wife in a vile manner

-she accused me of being a criminal, a con-man and a danger to society

-she told me I was cocky and smug all of a sudden because I was with my family

-Told me  that I should man up, grow some balls about 20 times

-she warned me that she was going to find a real man who coul F**k her properly very soon.

- she said that we can't even escape in sex and I don't have enough money to give her the best things in life so what's the point in being with me.

-she told me about all the guys ( her "friends" who wanted to sleep with her and she was considering options.

- she finished off by telling me that I was the most disgusting, dispicable and horrible man she has ever met.

she was like a monster in front of me... eyes bulging and literally frothing at the mouth.

To my credit, I stood in front of her with a dispassionate expression and although her words were like hot pokers piercing my heart and soul, I did not react.

I asked her if she was ill and why she felt the need to say such things to someone.

Shamefully she looked down and said that I trigger her .

She told me "I really want to hurt you".

I calmly asked her to pack her bags and get out of my family home and my life. She eventually left a while later after some half hearted attempts to reverse the situation but I was having none of it.

There was a mini recycle a week later but I know recognise that this was the end. There was another few weeks of mayhem as I was trying to extract myself and get my belongings from her home in London.

I get shivers when I think of those 15 minutes of complete madness.

This was traumatic.

[pipehitter]

I really can't say anything but that I am really sorry.

[fromheeltoheal]

I remember when you were in the middle of that Lion, and congratulations for making it through.  I went through something similar, and it was all I could do to just fling myself away from it, pure self preservation, like being electrocuted and throwing yourself away from it to make it stop.

It's interesting that yours said you triggered her; that is exactly what happens when a borderline goes off the rails, although mine could never articulate it like that, yours maybe had some therapy or a diagnosis?

I've forgiven mine because I realize that although the behaviors seem malicious, a borderline is just doing the best they can to deal with their own personal hell, a hell we can fling ourselves away from but they can't, it's permanent and follows them into the next caustic relationship.  I choose to believe that borderlines exist for a reason, in an evolutionary sense, they are here to cause the naive and asleep among us, myself included, to wake up, mature and become better, more evolved humans, and all our future relationships will benefit, as we make this world even more beautiful.  Take care of you!

[LettingGo14]

I get shivers when I think of those 15 minutes of complete madness.

This was traumatic.

Your trauma is palpable and understood and acknowledged.  Nothing about the end of our relationships makes sense logically.   Here's a quote from an article in the NYT called, "The Trauma of Being Alive" by Mark Epstein:

"The willingness to face traumas — be they large, small, primitive or fresh — is the key to healing from them. They may never disappear in the way we think they should, but maybe they don’t need to. Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it."

It's where we are... . we are here for you.

[losinghope97]

I choose to believe that borderlines exist for a reason, in an evolutionary sense, they are here to cause the naive and asleep among us, myself included, to wake up, mature and become better, more evolved humans, and all our future relationships will benefit, as we make this world even more beautiful.

Thank you FHTH, I needed that, truly awesome.

Lion, honestly, in reading your post I felt empowered by your reaction to her and your ability to make the wise decision for yourself, not allowing the abuse to continue.  I have stood in the face if that kind of tirade dozens of times, but never was capable of seeing through the FOG enough to make the kind of decisions you did.  To me, you acted the way I think many of us wish we had many rages ago.  Good for you!

LH97

[Lion Fire]

Heya Losing Hope, Letting Go, Freeheeltoheal & pipe hitter  

Thank you for the kindness, wisdmon and encouragement.

I am slap bang in the middle of this healing process which is painful. I know I have to go through this with courage and honestly. Although it's a whirlpool of conflicting and painful emotions mostly, I am now starting to see small rays of hope sneaking in telling me to stick with it and all will be well... . sometime... . sooner or later. Faith and endurance... . onwards 

Bless up

[Dog biscuit]

Hi Lion Fire,

Thank you for writing this! It is traumatic, and I start to believe the trauma lies in the fact that we felt (or where) powerless to change the circumstances/feelings/dynamic of our relationships and the things that took place in them.

Reading what you wrote and the responses of the members here, made me realise, for the first time, ( and I am six months out) that it isnt personal. There was nothing you, or I , or anyone , could have done to change the inner turmoil/fear of our partners.

Thanks! I wish you well on the path of forgiveness.

[BorisAcusio]

I've forgiven mine because I realize that although the behaviors seem malicious, a borderline is just doing the best they can to deal with their own personal hell, a hell we can fling ourselves away from but they can't, it's permanent and follows them into the next caustic relationship.  I choose to believe that borderlines exist for a reason, in an evolutionary sense, they are here to cause the naive and asleep among us, myself included, to wake up, mature and become better, more evolved humans, and all our future relationships will benefit, as we make this world even more beautiful.  Take care of you!

It's like the story of The Scorpion and the Turtle.

":)o you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?"

"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "It's just my character."

[willy45]

Wow dude. Good for you for sticking up for yourself like that. I wish I had done that.

I have been thinking about forgiveness lately too. I have been hesitant to forgive because that was always part of the abuse cycle: forgive, forget, repeat.

What I realized is that I can forgive without forgetting. Forgetting the abuse is a real disservice and foe me, quite dangerous. I can forgive. I can understand. At the same time, I don't need to forget.

[AwakenedOne]

she was like a monster in front of me... eyes bulging and literally frothing at the mouth.

Bro, I sure know what you mean by that description. One time my ex was doing karate kicks like Bruce Lee at everything in the house raging. Ninja from hell foaming at the mouth delivered about 200 kicks. I'm glad we didn't have a cat. Fluffy the cat would of been kicked for a field goal.

You have a really good attitude LF, your one of those at this site that really inspires me.