Nearly 3 months NC - starting to get upset - why the change?

[falconfree28]

I've been NC for nearly three months and all of sudden something clicked and changed. I was handling this really well then this happens.

I've beaten the urges to check Twitter and check Facebook and I slipped up and checked, that made me feel anxious, then Facebook.

I got wind of something that had been going on, my exBPDgf broke up over an event I was going to attend and now she's decided to go (she's in with the organisers) and move everyone in my community to the same accomodation and leave me and the lady I booked with over the otherside of the complex, she even tried to get to the lady to move and leave me by myself, thankfully she's wasn't that bothered... . then at community events which I attend, I'm chatting with someone and she takes them off for a dance (it's impolite to refuse a dance to a lady in our partner dance community) I still ignore and stay away, but I presume my boundaries are being pushed now, but how do you re-enforce without engaging.

Thankfully my counsellor has put in coping stratagies and I feel and inspect myself before doing something stupid and those feelings actually ended up in further breakthroughs I'd never felt before so it came as a surprise, I know painting me black failed but now this new "I'll sort everything out for everyone and plan parites and be everyones best friends" seems like a complete about change.

... . but then again now typing this out, it seems to be filling her void being being so looked up to and sorting everything out.

So you can see my thoughts are everywhere.

Is this just a new phase of my healing? I've worked through all my anger now I'm processing who I am and the guilt that I've shouldered for a long time - I'm reaching out to see if this is something any other members here have felt or encountered.

[arjay]

My 'ex' seemed to be a master at projecting a calm and professional demeanor.  She was somebody else however when we were home and alone.

It can be awkward at best and difficult at the worst for having to be around any "ex", even when the relationship did not involve a BPD partner, when only a few months have passed.  In your case it seems to me she is "holding her own" for now and a far more (seemingly) predictable situation than what others have experienced.  

I was not very good at being present with an "ex" so soon after the relationship ended without feeling a bit uncomfortable and certainly not after my relationship with my dBPDxw ended.  You seem to be doing a great job.  Is this going to be an on-going necessity?  In other words would "out of sight - out of mind be better for all parties involved"?

If this is simply a "one time deal", then you have faced your demons and handled things magnificently.  If it was me however, I wouldn't push it.

Peace

[christoff522]

I've been NC for nearly three months and all of sudden something clicked and changed. I was handling this really well then this happens.

I've beaten the urges to check Twitter and check Facebook and I slipped up and checked, that made me feel anxious, then Facebook.

I got wind of something that had been going on, my exBPDgf broke up over an event I was going to attend and now she's decided to go (she's in with the organisers) and move everyone in my community to the same accomodation and leave me and the lady I booked with over the otherside of the complex, she even tried to get to the lady to move and leave me by myself, thankfully she's wasn't that bothered... . then at community events which I attend, I'm chatting with someone and she takes them off for a dance (it's impolite to refuse a dance to a lady in our partner dance community) I still ignore and stay away, but I presume my boundaries are being pushed now, but how do you re-enforce without engaging.

Thankfully my counsellor has put in coping stratagies and I feel and inspect myself before doing something stupid and those feelings actually ended up in further breakthroughs I'd never felt before so it came as a surprise, I know painting me black failed but now this new "I'll sort everything out for everyone and plan parites and be everyones best friends" seems like a complete about change.

... . but then again now typing this out, it seems to be filling her void being being so looked up to and sorting everything out.

So you can see my thoughts are everywhere.

Is this just a new phase of my healing? I've worked through all my anger now I'm processing who I am and the guilt that I've shouldered for a long time - I'm reaching out to see if this is something any other members here have felt or encountered.

Shes trying to get at you. BPD's love control. By trying to get you on your own shes trying to keep controlling you like she did before. It may be out of spite to make you feel alone, or it could be so she could try and manipulate you (hence trying to get the woman to away from you).

You know what you want, you don't want her in your life, so the best way to handle this is complete indifference. If this behaviour continues, others are going to notice it, others are going to call her out on it. Just continue as you are, avoid social media as much as possible if it triggers you. But might I suggest facing these triggers, and desensitizing yourself to them? Just remember that you've resolved no contact, and that you're capable and strong enough to handle this.

Oh and projecting calm and profession is NOT the same as being calm and professional. Inside shes a frightened child.

[Split black]

Is this just a new phase of my healing? I've worked through all my anger now I'm processing who I am and the guilt that I've shouldered for a long time - I'm reaching out to see if this is something any other members here have felt or encountered.

Yes its a phase. Getting past post traumatic stress disorder or whatever the hell addiction we have from contact with them is never linear. Don't beat yourself up. Im about 3 months now as well... . had a couple of set backs... . like making contact after two months... .   Bottom line is mine was a cheater, liar, manipulator and betrayer... . she was the most incredibly self centered woman I had ever met in my life and Im a well traveled guy with A LOT of experience.

Unless you want to be recycled and have your heart ripped out and shredded yet again I would mentally regroup... . remember who she is... . remember the things she did and you allowed... . and that no matter who she is with she will be doing the same to whatever poor chump has the misfortune of meeting her.

Dig in... . there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train.

[falconfree28]

What a difference a few days makes, firstly thanks for the support, but something positive happened after these posts, plus reaching out to a female friend who's last relationship followed a similar path and all of a sudden lots of light bulbs went off in my head.

I'm talking memories from childhood, the way I was brought up, my reasoning for my actions before I met her, the way I've always done things - by the end of it as much it was overwhelming I was heck of a lot calmer and way happier and it answered many things as to why I ended up with her and it wasn't the answer I expected, I slept very well the other night.

Now I can see what part I played, the more I get to understand this disorder, the more I appreciate why it was never going to work and how I will grow and she'll stay stuck, I've even been discovering my own boundaries and it's really refreshing.

Yet again this board has proved a saviour, I will continue to encounter her and maintain NC, but I now have a renewed strength to remain indifferent and be with my community no matter what she does, thank you.