Feel like I am common denominator too often... any of you as well?

[lucyhoneychurch]

If I have issues with people who seem to only contact when they want something... . or contact me only when it's convenient -

My thinking tends to run to I am invisible. I mean... . there are only x contacts in my cell phone, I left out the fringe friends I never see, even a son-in-law who won't answer me to my face - he's young, that might change -

But the significant ones, that I really do want to hear from, and I call and say, Hello how are you how are things going? or I text if it's not the right hour... .

Weeks go by... .

Send a card, send something you know they'd like (just mailed a little vintage camera to one who collects them, emailed that it's on the way last week, not a peep back)... .

waffle between feeling needy and reminding myself that you don't do things for people just to get your ego stroked... .

but then the feeling that hey, it'd be nice to know you noticed.

Whinge whinge whinge... .

Is it just bad manners these days?

Because I really seem to be the common factor in the big picture - that there is a continuous stream of people in my life where I have been the mover adn shaker so to speak with contact... . and if my life depended on them responding as regularly - well... . I'd be toast.

I have two women friends who are rock solid. And what strikes me is they are both in same boat as far as recent life upheavals (near divorce or wanting to divorce), children my kids' ages with similar issues... .

So I seem capable of maintaining good reciprocating friendships.

My baggage from the FOO stuff seems to be that I let it bother me. I reflect back that something is wrong with me when i don't get simple little answers to a contact effort.

In a time where every single soul out there has a cell phone not only in hand but on and using it 24/7... . that's where I guess I am flummoxed.

Or you see them posting on Facebook nonstop, but it's been days since you heard back from them.

The bloody obvious seems to be they have better things to do.

Yes so why does that trouble me?

I can never ask what I want to on here without running on... . sorry.

[PleaseValidate]

This happens to me to. Right now I've chalked it up to all of my "formerly core friends" have kids and I don't so i am excluded from that inner circle. But if I'm really honest, it started happening when I separate d from my H and these formerly core friends stopped inviting me (and him) to every gathering.

Isn't it fascinating what we learn about other people's values over the decades vs what you formerly and foolishly took for granted?



On the flip side, I rarely answer the phone for anyone nowadays (not that I get many calls!)  The momentum of NOT physically talking makes me NOT want to talk! My main form of communication is text and I don't text back ASAP. It's not because the texter is not on my mind, I've just slipped into a recluse state with the lack of invites, return of PTSD, deaths,  etc... .

[lucyhoneychurch]

I appreciated what you said so much, Please Validate... .

My kids are grown and the only longterm (lifelong) friends I guess I was expecting more from have kids in the throes of either very young (under 10) or teenhood stuff.

Church connections are certainly nil... . you find out who any of your friends there might've been as a divorce is initiated and then finalized. They have no understanding what might've transpired... . but anyway, I know it was a step in the right direction for my family - even divorce is better than circular dysfunction that has no end.

Thank you for your input.



I think my twisted thinking is that I have always extended an inclusive approach to someone in my shoes - divorced, living alone, health concerns... . or widowed, what have you... .

But just because I might make attempts to do so doesn't mean anyone else has to.

The clock and calendar are not my friends .

They either move too too slowly or just fly and I don't have alot to show for it sometimes.

I guess that would mean get off my arse and DO something about it!  

Thank you again... .

Edited to add this... . "inertia" yes... . when you don't hear from people it really seems to make you want to hear from people less... . an odd dynamic but it seems to be how I'm operating these days... .

The only faithful caller is some electric company that has a contract about updating water heaters ... . nonstop voicemails... . haha... .

[Survivingthequeen]

Lucy,

I too have felt that I was the only one making an effort in a friendship and I agree it is hurtful not to have your attempt to reach out, at the very least, acknowledged.  It sounds like you have had many changes in your life recently and it is possible that you are moving on into a new phase in life and some of those people may either never have a place there or may eventually catch up to the new you and your relationship will be renewed.  I know this does not diminish the hurt but maybe you can not be too hard on yourself by taking it personally.  Focus on your new path, continue to heal, enjoy and appreciate those who are on this journey with you and try not to repeat behavior that just makes you feel bad.  .

[Contradancer]

Lucy,

Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt.

Now, I don't chase people who aren't really friends or are nominally family. To paraphrase an actual quote, I don't invest much in people who see me as optional. Seems harsh to some, but those who truly love me come first. This also keeps me from taking it personally. I'm not rude, just one who prioritizes where I put my time and energy.

Sometimes, if you stop chasing, your worth goes up.

[lucyhoneychurch]

I appreciate your thoughts so much, Contra and Surviving 

Either on a thread on our pages here or some self help article maybe :

"If someone acts like they could live without you... . they should."

That says alot to the idea you don't have to prove your worth over and over.  Or hold up more than your end of a relationship.

Now I just wish I could remember where I read that. 

Maybe my next decade of life will be creating new wholesome habits and not recycling behaviors that keep up the wrong patterns.

I really appreciate knowing other folks have felt kicked to the curb too. 

thank you!

[Survivingthequeen]

Check out Marc and Angel Hacklife for some lovely and inspirational writings. Here is an excerpt from a post entitled 6 Strong Signs it's time to Let Go.  I have been blessed daily by writings on this page. Enjoy!

"Holding on to what’s no longer there holds too many of us back.  Some of us spend the vast majority of our lives recounting the past and letting it steer the course of the present.  Don’t waste your time trying to live in another time and place.  Let it GO!  You must accept the end of something in order to build something new.  So close some old doors today.  Not because of pride, inability or egotism, but simply because you’ve entered each one of them in the past and realize that they lead to nowhere.

Even after the toughest times, eventually you will overcome the heartache, and forget the reasons you cried, and who caused the pain.  You will realize that the secret to happiness and freedom is not about control or revenge, but in letting things unfold naturally, and learning from your experiences over the course of time.  After all, what matters most is not the first, but the final chapter of your life, which unveils the details of how well you wrote your story.  So let go of the past, set yourself free, and open your mind to the possibility of a new beginning."

[lucyhoneychurch]

My goodness thank you so much! I know alot of this is that... . my get up and go... . got up and went! mentally most of all... .

Life unfolding into living alone and an isolation I never thought I'd experience - not being a people person but very much one with my nest and fledglings... . it's been just downright bizarre.

I happened upon a local woman's Facebook page reading someone else's... . this woman had been disparaged to me by a couple of people I know, I've met her, she's very airheady and bright and chatty - things they seem to hold against her, their opposite really... . and her page is FULL of looking after kids in the summer with bag lunches, volunteering nonstop but without tooting her own horn if you see what I mean - lots of verbal thanks to her close friends and other volunteers encouraging them - pix of her flowers that just blew me away... .

She lost a beloved husband in Sept '07 from esophageal cancer, very suddenly as that illness can go like that... . when I met her at a restaurant, she and another widow from a cancer death had become really close friends - both have dogs, garden, etc... .

I was looking at Jane's FB page thinking, you know... . she's just NOT going to let herself get knocked down and stay down. Her faith is very lived out. I am bone dry in that dept.

I just feel like I was meant to stumble across her page and get a real testimony not in the religious sense but of someone who has lost big, still grieving for her hubby, but is teaching middle school, constantly verbal about how much *fun* she is having with her kids -

She is making each day count.

Part of the person I miss looking at myself is the one who could learn lessons so much sooner - I used to really absorb stories like hers so much better and embrace them each day.

I'll have to contact her and say hello. I think she'd appreciate that she touched someone's heart.

And with her spontaneity, and kindness, I don't think my initial question in this thread would be an issue.     she is very inclusive and sweet.

How funny that she was belittled for her personality and vivaciousness. But now that i think about it... . the two who talked about her like that - never happily married, never look on the bright side of anything at all - I am always working at cheering them both up even if I am in the middle of a crisis .

Thank you again Surviving for your input and that is a great quote and I will check out that website.

I really need this board these days.

[P.F.Change]

If I have issues with people who seem to only contact when they want something... . or contact me only when it's convenient -

What are your boundaries like with these people--are your boundaries consistent with your values? I like to review this workshop from time to time: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Another thought--do you assert yourself in relationships and let people know how you feel when they don't return your calls, etc.?

waffle between feeling needy and reminding myself that you don't do things for people just to get your ego stroked... .

It sounds like you may have some unmet emotional needs. Do you think that might be part of what's going on? There is nothing wrong with that--we all have needs. Maybe you are right that you might be giving others what you need as a way to try and get them to reciprocate. Have you ever looked into co-dependency? Sometimes it can explain that behavior.

It sounds like you have two good friends who are reliable and consistent for you. Do you think you can invest your energy into building on those positive relationships rather than working so hard to get the other people to pay attention to you?

Is it just bad manners these days?

I am relatively young, still I think there has been a big culture shift in terms of etiquette and responding to other people in a timely manner even during my lifetime. I think I kind of fall in between two groups. People my age and older call people back and return emails and RSVP to parties, usually within 24 hours. People my age and younger don't--and they're not offended when other people don't. It's a different set of expectations, different views about commitments and responsibilities. I don't think there's strictly a generational split any more, either; the culture as a whole is changing. This might be some of what you are bumping into.

I know I have felt frustrated in relationships (particularly with people younger than me) where people don't reply or cancel plans last-minute. It has hurt my feelings because I felt ignored or unheard or unimportant. To them, it isn't a big deal, though--it's just the way they do things. I've learned to adjust my expectations and to speak up when I need to--and which friends I should call when I need to be sure they will show up. 

My baggage from the FOO stuff seems to be that I let it bother me. I reflect back that something is wrong with me when i don't get simple little answers to a contact effort.

This is what one of my therapists called an ANT--an Automatic Negative Thought. Your ANT is, "Something is wrong with me."

Is that a true statement? If other people do not respond when you would like them to, is it because something is wrong with you? If not, then what is true? What would you like to believe instead?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[HazelJade]

Lucy, I just wanted to let you know that your post is so refreshingly honest and real and it shows such generosity and warmth that YOU have touched somebody else's heart.

I do what Contra says, today. It works

many blessings

[lucyhoneychurch]

PF - YES bingo... . the ANT is so typically 'there is something wrong with me, that's why they are sort of dodging contact with me... . given a choice, they apparently have other folks etc... . "

It *is* that automatic and heartfelt, like getting too near a flame and suddenly thinking My god that's HOT... .

The best recourse for me is taming the "negative" aspect of it, not so much the automatic part... .

Five decades of living, much of that trained to think if there is a faulty connection, it is the child letting the mother down... . it's the adult child letting the mother down... .

There apparently needs to be an uprising and a shaking of the fist and a stomping of the foot 

Rules are, after all, meant to be broken.

The ANT can be addressed as... . "there I go again, blaming myself, when there is no need."

Thank you for that.

HazelJade - thank you for your kindness - I like your screen name... . the color of my youngest daughter's eyes and my favorite precious stone if you can call it that... . also a name I always loved vs my given name   

One of my rock solid lovely ladies called - a grown daughter of hers wading back into a nasty connection - she has such integrity, said she is workign so hard to respect the daughter's timing and choices, and yet be supportive and maybe even verbal about her outright disgust at this man's "stuff," which he brought right into her own home on Easter Sunday.

I just kept telling her, "You rock, you know that, right?"   

It means so much that she trusts me with her fears and concerns... .

Summer closing in on us here in the southeast today - might just have to turn on the AC and watch a Jane Austen movie - there's a hard life, movies on a warm summer day.    "Mansfield Park" a really good one... . the brother and sister Crawford - my goodness... . and oh please clone our lovely Edmond... . I'll take TWO.   

[Deb13]

You must accept the end of something in order to build something new.  So close some old doors today.  Not because of pride, inability or egotism, but simply because you’ve entered each one of them in the past and realize that they lead to nowhere. You will realize that the secret to happiness and freedom is not about control or revenge, but in letting things unfold naturally, and learning from your experiences over the course of time.  After all, what matters most is not the first, but the final chapter of your life, which unveils the details of how well you wrote your story.  So let go of the past, set yourself free  , and open your mind to the possibility of a new beginning."

Thank You!  Yes!