Had a bad day... stalked her facebook... ugh

[Cimbaruns]

I had a really bad day yesterday... .

I was very down... . anxious... . conflicted... . then I stalked her facebook... .

Now I've opened up the wound so to speak... .

Saw and read things that I shouldn't have... . god ... . what was I thinking.

This has set me back a boatload!

Anyone here been this foolish... .

Trying really hard to erase what I've learned... .

Damn this hurts!

[BacknthSaddle]

Virtually everyone here has been this "foolish"

[arjay]

Most of here had our "set backs".  What is important is whether we "learn from them".

I used to read and re-read the information on "Leaving a Relationship With A Person Who is BPD", almost daily and especially in those moments of weakness.  I was so typical of the experiences in detaching.  It was a really tough process too, but I ended up much stronger as a person.

Don't be too hard on yourself.  Just remind yourself how you feel now, next time you want to "take a peek"... .

Peace to you

[LettingGo14]

I had a really bad day yesterday... .

I was very down... . anxious... . conflicted... . then I stalked her facebook... .

Now I've opened up the wound so to speak... .

Saw and read things that I shouldn't have... . god ... . what was I thinking.

This has set me back a boatload!

Anyone here been this foolish... .

Trying really hard to erase what I've learned... .

Damn this hurts!

I'm sorry Cimbaruns.  It does hurt.  Here's my home remedy for cyberstalking:

1.  Consent to the pain.  Accept it.   Don't numb it, or erase it, or act out on it.  It hurts -- tell yourself that you care about your own suffering.   Let yourself hurt.  It's the only way through it.

2.  Whatever you learned, don't take it personally.  Our minds twist, turn, distort, project, assume, wish, want, hope... . all in an effort to "understand" why we are in so much pain.  Facebook life is often fakebook life.

3. Write a gratitude list.  What are 3 to 5 things you are grateful for?

We're here for you.  Many of us have been on the emotional roller coaster with you.  :)on't beat yourself up.  

[pipehitter]

Same here.

She blocked me on Facebook (which is another bizarre thing in it self-worth a thread itself.)

She seems to have forgotten about the profile we made for our dog. I knew it was a bad idea... .  But I logged in.

Nothing "really" bad, except into I knew anyways... . But it hurt. And I feel ashamed.

Bad day overall today. Started out rather good... . But oh well.

[seeking balance]

We all do a version of this until we don't - be kind to you right  now 

SB

[Turkish]

Same here.

She blocked me on Facebook (which is another bizarre thing in it self-worth a thread itself.)

She seems to have forgotten about the profile we made for our dog. I knew it was a bad idea... .  But I logged in.

Nothing "really" bad, except into I knew anyways... . But it hurt. And I feel ashamed.

Bad day overall today. Started out rather good... . But oh well.

I made a private FB profile for me and my kids, their names as first and middle, my last name. I could actually take a look at her page, using it, but didn't. I don't want it to poison what will be an online photo album and journal of my time with the kids that they can look at later.

Still, the other day I randomly clicked on an old photo on my profile. It was from a pic that the mobile FB interface on my android tablet throws up. It's different than either my android phone app, and the desktop app. It was an old picture of both of us kissing S4 on the head as he plowed into his 1st birthday cake. I like that picture, still do. It showed an old comment from her blocked profile. I ran like an addict to my 24 in desktop screen in the other room to view it better. It shows, but is blurry and pixelated. What I did see was a new pic of her, by herself. For years, she had a pic of her and either one or both of the kids. Now it's just her, not even her and her young narcissist. She's grown her hair long (she had it long before me, kept it short for 6 years in the "mature" r/s, now is going back to what she was). Weird... . like she's becoming a different person, which explains some other feelings I get of what's going on.

I'm detached enough at this point that it didn't really trigger me badly. But it shows that even at a later point in detachment, we can still have those Pavlovian responses, and that it's ok. It's part of the process.

[Tausk]

I've Facebook stalked my ex, her brothers, their wives, her new replacement, his brothers and sister and their spouses, her cousins, her aunts, her mom, her "friends", friends of her friends people she when on a tour with... .  all for a trace of connection to her.

It's the desire/craving/addiction to try and stay connected to my "fix" of an ex.  That connection is a familiar pain.  And that familiar pain is sometimes easier to be in than leaning into the reality of the terrifying and horrifically caustic hurt of abandonment depression.  It's hard to be abandoned by the person to whom I lost myself.  

She doesn't even know that I exist and will never acknowledge that we had anything.  And she's right.  It takes two people on the same page to have a real connection.  And the two of us never did have that connection.  It was a illusion.  She was never my best friend.  She was never my friend. If we did have a real connection, then I wouldn't feel so angry, abused, betrayed and filled with the need for closure/connection/validation.  

But as 2010 recently posted, I find closure by going no-contact, which includes no-contact with things I do by myself.   I find closure by closing the door on something that hurts me.  The excerpt below is from what I feel is a masterpiece and maybe the greatest post among a host of profoundly sublime posts.  

Be well.

... .  But first, we need closure on your spiritual wound. Your despair is about a lack of closure, and this back and forth just rips the scab off. So how do we suture you up? What is the best method of closure?

For most people, closure is an action word - you take action by closing the door to someone who has hurt you- especially someone who has hurt you multiple times. And for most people, this is very hard to do. You’ve held out hope for so long and the back and forth is keeping that hope alive, but it’s also spiritually draining.

No contact is saying that you don’t want to be hurt anymore and you want (or at least attempt) a better future. The hope is something you give yourself. That’s self-preservation and self love and it’s the effort you make to keep that tiny flame alive inside of you despite the fact that another person has hurt you. You may fall off the wagon and break the no contact agreement, but it will eventually work its way through and the door will be closed. Then you must grieve.

[arjay]

It's the desire/craving/addiction to try and stay connected to my "fix" of an ex.  That connection is a familiar pain.  And that familiar pain is sometimes easier to be in than leaning into the reality of the terrifying and horrifically caustic hurt of abandonment depression.  It's hard to be abandoned by the person to whom I lost myself.  

Of all the posts and thoughts I have had about my "disengagement", I never read the words that so clearly express what most of us felt when coming out of the relationship.  It is no wonder we are left initially so damaged, disoriented and directionless.  They were feelings I had never experienced before.

Peace

[Cimbaruns]

Thank you all for all of your kind posts... . reading each and every word helps with the hurt.

Tausk

The posts from 2010 are amazing... .

Those words ring true and really seem to penetrate to my core...

It is most certainly easier to try and stay connected in my head... . the pain is all too familiar.

I think that as much as it seems that it's like a "fix"... . it's more like me needing to avoid the pain of the realization ... . that it IS just about me now ... . and quite frankly I'm probably seeking to avoid that feeling of abandonment myself.

A part of me totally gets that "our" life was never really anything but fantasy... . never a true friendship if you will... . because as you said Tausk... . I would never have been in the place to feel all the anger and betrayal... . and the need for complete and total closure.

2010 is right ... . as I think now... . only until I can close that door for good can I begin the grieving process :'(

The tears I cry now are only the beginning of my process

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm sorry (()).  I've done it too, and it IS that desire to have some connection.  Like just seeing their name and profile picture somehow makes you feel connected, right?

I just found out my X traveled over the holiday weekend, it really hurt.  Last 3 were with me.

Been a sucky day for lots of us, but we have to keep going forward.

Hang in there Cimbaruns,

CiG

[Cimbaruns]

Thanks CIF

YUP. Probably looked in order to connect somehow... .

Found out she had taken a trip with the replacement she cheated on me with... . to a place she wanted to take me... .

I looked and got the door slammed in my face... .

Looking for closure... . got the message loud and clear... .

A realization... . She couldn't ever have been my best friend... . a best friend doesn't discard you with nary a look back... .

I will never get closure from someone such as she... .

Thanks for your kind words and hang in there too !

[seeking balance]

The tears I cry now are only the beginning of my process

A different layer in the process, don't dismiss the work you have done to get to this point and call on the coping skills you have come to practice getting to here.

Layers of grief as each phase becomes more real.

You will be ok 

SB

[christoff522]

I had a really bad day yesterday... .

I was very down... . anxious... . conflicted... . then I stalked her facebook... .

Now I've opened up the wound so to speak... .

Saw and read things that I shouldn't have... . god ... . what was I thinking.

This has set me back a boatload!

Anyone here been this foolish... .

Trying really hard to erase what I've learned... .

Damn this hurts!

The last time I stalked her facebook, i discovered she was back with her ex, ended up in my bedroom for two hours crying. Honestly, best two hours I ever spent. As soon as I was done crying, I was back where I was prior, sure it still hurt... but I lost nothing, I gained my freedom (saying this now, but who knows what will happen if I get a text  ).

Sometimes it can seem like a bad thing that you've been set back, but obviously you were moving too quickly for your own good. You want to detach not avoid. You can't ever erase her, what you need is to be at a place where its not causing you to stop everything and mope. That only comes day by day. It helps to be here cos its directing your intentions towards healing and understanding. But you need to be filling your time with things you're passionate about. Also remember that she's not going to be stalking your facebook, that you're just a bug to be stamped on in her world. It hurts but you HAVE TO HURT to heal. Allow yourself to feel this and don't avoid it and run away, face it and feel it.

[Cardinals in Flight]

The tears I cry now are only the beginning of my process

A different layer in the process, don't dismiss the work you have done to get to this point and call on the coping skills you have come to practice getting to here.

Layers of grief as each phase becomes more real.

You will be ok 

SB

Oh yes it's in LAYERS, like an onion!  I have really good clear days, I've been happy, even joyful and light-hearted.  Then BAM, I could cry you a river... . the sadness keeps me in bed on sunlit gorgeous days, THAT pisses me off.  I'm giving power to someone who does not give a damn about me!   This has to be grief, I'm not sure how detached I am, not very I think. 

You are going to feel better, good even, one day soon! Be sure to tell us, k? Cuz it might be one of the days I'm flat on my arse

CiF

[Cimbaruns]

Christoff and CIF

I'm trying to allow myself to feel the hurt... . yes I'm sure she's not even interested in my social media page... . quite frankly I don't care... .

I think my urge to "connect" through FB was a result of it being our 3rd anniversary of our wedding.this week... . today as a matter of fact... . on a beautiful beach... .

I just celebrated the "fantasy" by going into my closet and taking the clothes out that I wore and I put  them in a great big ole black trash bag... .

I cried a lot today... . however... . riding myself of the memory is paramount in my steps going forward... .

Yes like layers of an onion... . I'll just keep peeling... .

[Cardinals in Flight]

I hate this for you.  I can only imagine how much this hurts... . no wonder you are feeling such emotion!  Big old trigger the anniversary must be.

Extra hug! CiF

[toomanytears]

I've done the Facebook thing too - then I got so angry that the OW posted 'likes' on all the photos my BPDh put up of our kids. So I posted a comment ('go away' and was blocked. Best thing that happened to me - now I can't see his twisted self promotion anymore. Ugh.

[Cimbaruns]

CIF

It feels like I spent the whole week leading up to this day with a big old knife in my heart... . and today it twisted all around... .

The  ultimate realization of what it really was all about... . nothing but a fantasy ... .

I hope and pray that once this day is over I can really start to move ahead... .

One more hurdle... . the impending divorce... .

The big ole hugs is much appreciated... . back atcha with the same

[jdcthunder14]

I did the same... .

I did it during the pain and after as a way to fully understand her and her disorder. She knew I was looking as thus decided to post everything on the "public" setting. I am sure this wasn't just for me, she probably has others that need to see.

What I learned is the that for her this truly is "Fakebook." Non stop posting of her predatory pregnancy (PP) prize, her daughter (one more PP on the way, and she is single) not mine by the way. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT!    Poor kids.

At first when I looked it hurt... . no doubt about it. But after it felt like going to the zoo, watching the disordered girl and her antics. Slowly my need to look wanes and I will stop, but I allow myself the curiosity without further punishing myself thinking I am "wrong" for doing it.