Emotionally numb

[Depression = 72% of members]

Since I ended the relationship with my ex (undiagnosed BPD), I have noticed that I am emotionally numb.  I feel calmer now without the constant chaos, but I feel like a part of me died over the years.  Everyone used to comment on the twinkle in my eyes before I met him.  Two different people on two different occasions commented that the sparkle is no longer there and they are concerned.  This worries me.  It's almost like I have to tell myself to feel happy and if I do, it is only for short time.  Yesterday I thought to myself that I was happy twice last week and felt proud of myself for making such little progress.  Is this normal?  Do feelings of happiness and joy return? 

[razemarie]

Since I ended the relationship with my ex (undiagnosed BPD), I have noticed that I am emotionally numb.  I feel calmer now without the constant chaos, but I feel like a part of me died over the years.  Everyone used to comment on the twinkle in my eyes before I met him.  Two different people on two different occasions commented that the sparkle is no longer there and they are concerned.  This worries me.  It's almost like I have to tell myself to feel happy and if I do, it is only for short time.  Yesterday I thought to myself that I was happy twice last week and felt proud of myself for making such little progress.  Is this normal?  Do feelings of happiness and joy return? 

[LettingGo14]

Is this normal?  Do feelings of happiness and joy return? 

Yes.  It is normal.

Yes.  You access your feelings of happiness and joy again.

I'm not a clinician, and I have no experience other than the one I brought to this community.   But, over a number of months of active engagement here, I found the following:

1. Numb was my initial defense mechanism to avoid difficult feelings.

2. Anger followed numbness.  Anger at my ex-girlfriend, and at myself, and at the universe for allowing all the BS.

3. The answer was inside of me all the time.  I still owned the joy I experienced at times in my relationship.  I still owned the pain.  I still owned the love.  I still owned the anger.   [Note: it sounds simple, but for a long time, emotions were things I felt "happening" to me because of outside circumstances.  It wasn't until I owned my own emotions, that I realized I had ability to influence emotions].

I know there are stages of grief, and stages of attachment, and I got that intellectually.  Change for me didn't start until my heart decided to catch up to my head, however.

We're here for you. 

[Mutt]

It's normal to feel this way. I found myself feeling withdrawals due to the constant ups and downs from having lived w/ uBPDw. I was still anticipating the daily drama early in the separation. Minimal contact gave me the distance that I needed to heal. I feel stronger than before I met her. I read as much as I could about the disorder, worked on myself through this message board and therapy.

Give credit where credit is due, you are making progress   You will be OK.

Are you talking to a therapist?

[razemarie]

I spent a full year in therapy about two years ago now and learned about setting healthy boundaries.  At the time my ex was battling an alcohol addiction (I knew nothing about borderline personality disorder back then) and I had co-dependency issues to work out.  I had also been seeing a therapist with my ex the last few months of the relationship where we focused on lessening the chaos in the relationship.  We broke up almost three months ago now.  Unfortunately I do not have insurance so I have not gone since I ended the relationship.  But I spend every day reading and learning about the disorder and asking for advice to work through this.  I have been doing a lot of journaling as well which seems to help. 

[guitargrl]

Hi Razemarie…

Your post sums up how I feel exactly. I too used to have a sparkle... I was so full of life and optimism.  Now without him I am trying to get that back but it is hard.  I have also described myself as emotionally numb. We will get there…there is a light, and big bright happy light at the end of all this, I believe it with all my heart!

[blissful_camper]

Yes, it's normal.  For me, before the r/s the world was a colorful place.  I found beauty everywhere I looked and that filled me with so much joy.  After the r/s I was so numb that I didn't see that beauty as easily as I did before. It was flat rather than vibrant.  That is what made me angry the most. I thought that part of me had died.  I couldn't stand the numbness. I struggled to reawaken that part of myself.  That involved getting out there doing the things I love to do, being patient with myself, and  trusting the process.

[razemarie]

Thanks everyone for your feedback.  I have a three year old little boy that I have 95% of the time.  His dad has him every other Friday and Saturday night.  Since I ended the relationship my son and I have started going on "adventures" together.  Just doing fun things like going to the zoo, visiting a park, a beach, going for a long bike ride, etc.  I see the joy it brings him and I can slowly feel myself starting to relax more and enjoy things again.  I have realized that I wasn't giving my son my full attention when I was constantly dealing with his dad's drama.  I am planning a camping trip for just the two of us.  I think if I keep working at getting out of the house, keeping busy and making memories with my son it will help me return to a happier life.

[blissful_camper]

Thanks everyone for your feedback.  I have a three year old little boy that I have 95% of the time.  His dad has him every other Friday and Saturday night.  Since I ended the relationship my son and I have started going on "adventures" together.  Just doing fun things like going to the zoo, visiting a park, a beach, going for a long bike ride, etc.  I see the joy it brings him and I can slowly feel myself starting to relax more and enjoy things again.  I have realized that I wasn't giving my son my full attention when I was constantly dealing with his dad's drama.  I am planning a camping trip for just the two of us.  I think if I keep working at getting out of the house, keeping busy and making memories with my son it will help me return to a happier life.

Yes!  That's wonderful! 

[Ihope2]

Razemarie, I can also relate to the numbness.  After only 11 months of the most intense drama, confusion, upheaval and heartache, I am now alone again in my own space with calmness and quiet around me.  But  I still feel drained and numb.  I think it is the after-shock of all the drama.  And I only really had just under a year of it. I do not know how it must be for those of you who have been in the chaos of such a relationship with a pwBPD for much longer, indeed, for years and decades.

I also think it is the transitioning process. A dear wise person I know mentioned to me, when I said to her that I do not know why I feel so numb, that it is like a flag that has been fluttering in the wind.  The wind has now died down, there is a lull, and the flag is still. Then wind is going to change direction and the flag will fly again.  I like that metaphor.

Our flags will fly again in time!  (And they won't be red flags!)   

[Infared]

RazeMarie... .

That whole experience and the abandonment left me numb... . I got somewhat better with therapy and self help... more even... not so depressed... . but the experience caused me so much pain I  made a decision to stop dating. I just need calm in my life. Can't ever have the possibility of that chaos again. Something happened to me back there.

[razemarie]

I think you are right.  I think our mind, body and souls just need peace and time to heal.  It's important that we take time for ourselves to cry over the loss, laugh, read a book, write in a journal, sip some tea, listen to music, breathe deep, etc.  With time I think the feelings of happiness and joy will come more naturally.  All of us have been through something extremely tough.  Whether we were in the relationship for 6 months or 20 years.