Did you ever feel like your BPD mom was quick to close the motherhood chapter?

[itsnotme]

It just dawned on me that she had it in her mind that once we (her children) starting having children of our own, she would be done being a mother to us. I use that term loosely of course.  She has no interest in her children once they become a certain age. Plus what really makes it hit home is she HATES being called grandma. She even told my children to call her by her first age. My oldest, the one with no filter said "why  you're still going to get old. You're a grandma" god bless the pure truth that comes from children

This woman has doesn't feel the need to see if any of her children or grandchildren are ok. I'm not a fb person and very private so I know she's not getting info on us so it's true. She can just write a part of her life like that. Like it never happened.

That is the painful part, she's so evil and not many pp will know.

[StarStruck]

Hi itsnotme,

Yes, very, when we got to a certain age, it was move over its my time now, taking then even more of a well your adults now get on with it sort of attitude. She should have been ashamed, if she had a real heart.

Any problems of difficulties with us as adults (if we came to her) she couldn't manage very well and couldn't give decent advice. For clarity, she is uBPD high functioning queen/witch.

I love what your children came out with :D.

I agree it does feel like they can just write you off. I think they actually run out of capacity with all the thinking about 'stuff' - stuff that doesn't matter. Also should add, got a lot to do with the fact with their control they can build themselves up when you are children but when you grow up theres not as much narcissistic supply for them, doesn't stop them from trying though does it.

[Take2]

You know, I grew up not thinking (and still not thinking) there was any sign of BPD in my mom - it wasn't until I was in my late 20s that she started to behave bizarrely and now looking back (20 years later) - I do believe she had BPD.  I recall when I was like 19 or 20?  Having a crisis of whatever sort 19 year olds have and trying to talk to my mom about it and her saying something to the affect of "I have worried about everyone else for 20 years, I'm done doing that."   I was stunned by that.  Who says that?  What mother would ever think that ?    I am a mother, I could NEVER imagine being "done".  I don't know.  Maybe it was simply a normal statement from a mother who did spend so much of her life putting her children first and wanted time for herself.  But I still can't imagine it.  I have a life of my own and I have a child.  I simply can't imagine a time could come where I wouldn't want to be there to help my daughter work thru ANY issue in her life. 

[StarStruck]

Hi Take2,

Totally with you, when I first even considered BPD it took me a long time before it proved to be true in my mind, that I believed it. I was cautious thinking PD initially but then the prove was too overwhelming not be true... . I mean you don't want it to be true do you.

I have had similar shock statements that you've mentioned... . it makes you baffled as to their perspective. My first train of thought was... . for her to say or be like that she would have to hate me? but mothers can't hate their children can they?... . I had this thought from my late teens, until the wake up happened. Learning later that she was displaying lack of empathy and her love was conditional; that was the biggest stinger.

I could never ever imagine myself being like that, I just can't think in those terms, let alone what my heart would want to do automatically... . it would be straight there in, yes literally a heart beat for loved ones

[going places]

It just dawned on me that she had it in her mind that once we (her children) starting having children of our own, she would be done being a mother to us. I use that term loosely of course.  She has no interest in her children once they become a certain age. Plus what really makes it hit home is she HATES being called grandma. She even told my children to call her by her first age. My oldest, the one with no filter said "why  you're still going to get old. You're a grandma" god bless the pure truth that comes from children

This woman has doesn't feel the need to see if any of her children or grandchildren are ok. I'm not a fb person and very private so I know she's not getting info on us so it's true. She can just write a part of her life like that. Like it never happened.

That is the painful part, she's so evil and not many pp will know.

Mine was over me when I was about 11.

She wants to play 'grandma'... . have the photos of the kids on her desk, make an appearance at their games / plays etc... .

But maintain a great distance from them at the same time.

I set up FIRM boundaries with my folks, YEARS ago, and when my mother crossed the line 7 years ago, I said: No more.

I have not spoken a word to my dad in 7 years.

I have not spoken a word to my mom in 2 years, and the 5 prior were emails every 4-5 months.

It's a dang shame, they missed out on some amazing young people (my kids).

I look like the demon because I set up and adhered to firm boundaries, but I don't care.

I did NOT want my kids exposed to the insanity I was when I was a kid.

I only wish I would have known / seen that their father was Satan himself, sooner.

[StarStruck]

going places - totally with you on everything there, I don't want mine exposed to the same, that would be insanity to know and not protect. If they think I'm the devil then so be it... . that's just a dose of projection and we know that same old story... . snore 'o' clock hey  . Sounds like your doing the every best for yourself and your children and as soon as you could have done, not easy to see them coming. Onwards & up 

[HappyChappy]

going places I think she gave up around 11 for me too - we were doing the house work as soon as I can remember. I use to cook for my sister from aged 12. My BPD Mom would leave a tin out then not be around. Latch doar kids - they term it around here.

When she did cook, she'd be watching TV and just let it burn. But that was our food. She would then get a takeawy for herself. I guess that's what self centred people do.

itsnotme As for not wanting to be Grandma - don't BPD want to live forever ? You've got to see ":)eath becomes her." Very funny - two Narcassist trying to live forever.

What annoys me, is my BPD Mom now moans how hard it was all for her. My wife and I both work, do the house work - but apparently my non working BPD Mom had it harder, because we have a dishwasher ! Don't you just hate them.

[jessienbp]

Mine was never interested in having children in the first place. She flat out told me that, a couple of months ago. (I am pretty sure i was an accident and that only the unavailability of abortion at the time and, no doubt, my father's pleading for my life kept her from aborting me.)

A lot of the abuse, rage, neglect, and abandonments I suffered from infancy onward were, it's clear, because she resented having to take care of someone else's needs, taking annoying time and tedious effort away from her true loves -- travel, social climbing, work ambitions, living the good life, gathering narcissistic supply, and general "me" stuff.

I remember once, I was riding my bike without training wheels for the first time at about age 6 and accidentally rode into a thorn bush, filling my hands with thorns. She was having a barbecue dinner party at the time and waited until she had finished cooking and serving the meal and chatting up all the guests, serving the wine, getting everyone second helpings, etc., before bothering to take the thorns out. I am pretty sure she was done with motherhood before she started.

When I was a kid, she was quite prone to look at me and sigh and say, apropos of nothing, "Jessie, never have children."

She pretty much closed the chapter on motherhood about the time it opened.

[Survivingthequeen]

I think my mom chose which "mom-like" activities she liked doing and the rest were left up to us. She provided good food, a clean (obsessively so) home etc. One thing she NEVER really did was protect us. She lived her life the way she wanted and never thought about whether that lifestyle was safe for her children. She had parties in our home where drugs and alcohol were used openly in front of us surrounding us with very unhealthy people. She was the first person who gave me marijuana at about age 10 and when her best friend got me drunk and stoned at age 12 thought it was funny. She never kept her drug use hidden from us and insisted that we keep the secret of her drug use because if we told she would go to jail. She left us with my Great Grandmother (who was a wonderful woman) but whose husband sexually abused me, so she could go out and party. No matter how much I begged and screamed and cried as she dropped us off she never listened and though she didn't know what was happening to me did not question why I would be so terrified. I was required to buy my own clothes starting when I was 12. I worked all summer to make sure I would have new clothes for school. She condoned drug and alcohol use and has taken credit for the fact that neither my brother or I have had a drug or alcohol problem saying that she used reverse psychology. I never questioned her choices or decisions growing up because I saw what happened to her friends, family, and husbands who didn't go along.

In my adult years she married a man who was sexually inappropriate around myself and my children. When I refused to allow him around my children and told her that she was always welcome to come see us she screamed at me and said that my children would hate me some day for taking them away from their grandmother. She told me that what he had done was not what I thought it was, I was just over sensitive because of my childhood sexual abuse.  She is on husband #6 and as with all of them he is unhealthy and is stressful to be around. I just recently told her that I don't wish to have a relationship with him and she is currently on a smear campaign against me for my unfair treatment of her. She attempted to get my three grown daughters to join her against me and when that didn't work she decided to publicly shame me on Facebook. That public shaming is why I am finally reaching out because as crazy as it sounds, she finally did something that I could with 100% certainty declare no healthy loving mother would do.  I have never looked at my childhood with such a clear understanding that our mother did not mother us she tolerated us and used us for her own needs and I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for her "well being". Sorry such a long post. Once I got started it was hard to stop... .

[lucyhoneychurch]

Apathy... . such apathy... . both to what life did to us as young kids and then teen and adults... . and what she doled out with both fists, belts, her verbal assaults - I cannot for the life of me ever "get" the apathy against your own children.

Surviving - I think it's ironic in such a sad way that your mother was obsessive about housework, but filled her own body and yours with garbage like drugs and alcohol... . then took the credit that you all managed to be clean and sober.

I've always asserted to myself that *at least* there was no sexual abuse either from her or her turning a blind eye if someone else came at any of us... . and your account of screaming about not going to see your gr-grandmother's husband while your mother partied - there must be a little curtain in your minds, those of you treated in this manner, that just drops down but the problem with curtains is the smashing daylight that is so hurtful when they are drawn back - I just wanted to say - I don't know that particular pain and agony, but I can really tremble down inside for the little children that all of you were who endured it.

We did our own cooking, cleaned house, did yard, never had TLC when drastically ill (stomach virus, fever, anything) or recovering from wisdom teeth extraction etc... . there was always some glorified excuse that kept her from BEING A MOTHER.

Yet to hear her tell it over the years, nauseatingly so... . all she did was love us. All she did was want the best for us. All she ever did was lay down her life for us. These are pretty much direct quotes... . and when I'd remain silent on my end of phone because I knew I'd vomit if I chimed in with agreement about how awesome she was... . wow, quick to pick up on the response. Offended, hurt, weepy, into total waif zone after just passing through witch/queen.

She never opened the motherhood chapter, I guess is what I'm saying. Not at all. Infancy was some sort of vile thing we were all doing AT her, not something she was willing to absorb as voluntarily getting pregnant. Who asks to be born?

And I'm that much older than other sibs to remember a hired maid doing the baby chores - rocking, bathing, soothing, basically mothering.

Funny I never feared being a mother myself... . the minute I clapped eyes on each one, and every single funny day I had with them until they left this house - wow. Now that they are independent, wonderful hardworking adults, they get the credit for that - not me. In spite of me... . they are so so cool.  

Was I privileged and blessed.

I'd feel sorry for her handicapped lack of maternal instinct if we hadn't lost so much innocence with the abuse.

        to my fellow travellers.

Edited to add - the novel and film, The Help, hit way way WAY too close to home... .

Deep South... . same dynamics, I have pix of me with two lovely sweet gentle ladies that mothered me, held me, loved me.

NONE of me with my bio mother who took all the credit.

I wish I knew where they'd gone over the years.  Now that I am 51 I see the devotion and kindness for so much more and they were in their 50s looking after me/us.

And one sweet woman who was my paternal grandmother's cook. She was the essence of soft sweet patient love.

I can hear her voice. The others are just blurs in my mind. Sadly... .

[lucyhoneychurch]

itsnotme, love your child's response about his grandmother's vanity and denial about aging. Tell you what as someone who is struggling with health issues that will sooner than later shave some years off my life - every year is a star in the crown as far as I'm concerned. Some women apparently can go this far like your mother has - I know one woman, just lost a glorious elderly mom who was so good to so many in our community - Mz Hazel had been an orphan, dreamed of motherhood, so much volunteer work for others yet made a lovely home for her three children and hubby... . died in mid90s suddenly from surgery for a broken arm  :'(  Her daughter is this cold, vain, shutdown creature I cannot stand to be around. She wrote her mother's memorial bulletin, the one we all carried home... . and she changed the year she was born. Suddenly she is really close in age to her brother , yet kept his birthdate the same ... . I don't think it was a typo.  Succession of marriages, slights her really sweet daughter about that daughter's weight issues... . oh lord, she's incredible.  I think motherhood for her was a nightmare even with a lovely example in Mz Hazel... . even outside looking in, she had a treasure in her late mother.

Just wanted to say... . I have a niece who used to pipe up just like your son did and my mother had a particular hate-on for that child from the git-go. Kids don't know how to be politically correct and I appreciate that so much.   

[HappyChappy]

... I have never looked at my childhood with such a clear understanding that our mother did not mother us she tolerated us and used us for her own needs and I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for her "well being". Sorry such a long post. Once I got started it was hard to stop... .

Here's me thinking my BPD Mom was Queen b___  - but your's could challange her. Well done for surviving. I think you sould buy yourself a big treat, for putting up with that crap. You know I was convinsed, and I mean total convinsed, that I was adopted. I couldn't understand why my BPD resented us.

On another subject I read "Survivingtheque" and thought, wonder what she's been queuing for - how British. Then I saw it again as "Survivingthequeen" and thought, how British.

[Survivingthequeen]

Lucy your soothing words are much appreciated. Your description of being raised by women who were not your mother while your mother hurt and abused you sounds like a blessing and a curse. I did watch the Help and remember thinking I couldn't imagine living that life.  As I was reading your response all I could think was if she knew my mom she would not believe she was the same woman I am talking about. She is super high functioning and even worked with kids in school and juvenile detention as a drug and alcohol counselor of all things. She worked with broken families and would bring kids home that she worked with and they would tell me how lucky I was to have such an amazing mom... .   She has told us that she is sorry for things she did to us in the past and blames it all on her drug use but there is no real remorse and of course she continues to repeat the same behavior in subtle ways and if pushed not so subtle ways today. This is one of the things that is difficult as a surviving child is that you doubt your own memory of things or the history has been told in such a way to take the event and polish it up and make it clean... . My mother would tell you that she was a great mother who raised wonderful children who are amazing parents.  She would be horrified to know I was sharing any of this with you all.  You were spot on with the comment about the curtain. I have always thought it was a big brick wall but I now know that it is a curtain because a wall would give some pretty good protection to the hurt little girl who still hides inside but a curtain keeps things out or in depending on the need but still allows her to be hurt over and over.  That little girl is why I am here today. She deserves better. She needs soft touches, soothing, and intense protection so she can start to believe that there if a safe place for her in the world.

Happy, thanks for the giggle. Maybe I am channeling my inner Brit?    I think I will go spend some time working in my yard today, basking in the sunshine, and loving on my 18 month old son as a gift to myself for surviving.  My Psychiatrist who I just started seeing told me the other day that I am lucky I am not more messed up.   I took that as a positive thing but it did get me thinking. 

I am so ready to start this process and I thank you for your support.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Surviving - absolutely - from the outside looking in, I bet I'd be your mother's biggest fan. One way I put it about this older woman's late mother Mz Hazel - I met Hazel, she was elegance personified, gentle, sweet, went to see her lying in a hospital bed with a broken humerus, and just as calm and strong and not high on painkillers - so I am making an educated guess that Mz Hazel was as genuinely good as she appeared - it would be harsh judgement on her daughter that I'm not so nuts about to say unequivocally that she was a saint. My mother had outspoken fans too, who sometimes I think spoke up in fear of her noticing they weren't following the script, and others who truly just saw these outer acts of hers as compassionate and loving.

Having been on the inside, I so get the "nobody knew her like we did" phenomenon.

[P.F.Change]

Hurt and anger are understandable feelings for someone whose relative has BPD. Acknowledging those feelings in order to work through them is important. It is also important to keep the board guidelines in mind as we share our experiences. Calling our relatives names or comparing them to the devil falls outside the scope of this board.

Please take a look at the Guidelines and Who Should Post On This Board pages for more details on our policies.

Guideline: Language and Terminology

Guideline: Excessive Anger

Guideline: Over generalizing

[crazy1503]

I think my mother detested being a mother and detests children. She recently visited my brother who has a 4 yr old, and when his wife asked if mum would like to spend some one-on-one time with her grandchild, mum replied waspishly that "ive done my fair share of looking after children, I dont do that anymore" and complained to others that she wasasked to babysit.

[Turkish]

My mom emancipated herself at 16, being orphaned at 11 by her mother, and 14 by her father (thankfully!).

She "rescued" me out of foster care. Being the latchkey kid of a single mother who worked nights, I took care of myself from a young age. My mom tried to take care of me as a good mother, and a lot of the time she was, in-between the emotional instabilities (rages, smacking me around quite a bit). I moved out the day I turned 18 and could sign a lease. She said she'd help me out with my living expenses for college (the one she was kind of ashamed I was going to), which was helping pay some of my rent. About 80% of the time she did give me that money, but I worked and paid for all of my other expenses, including tuition and books.

So she was kind of quick to kick me out, but liked having control... . or maybe she was just disordered. I couldn't obtain financial aid because she kept claiming me on her taxes, even though I was supporting myself more than she was me. I was also young and naive and didn't know how to stand up to her regarding this. For over two years, I heard, "I don't understand why you don't apply for financial aid!" Every time, my response was, "stop claiming me as a dependent, and I can get it. That is what the financial aid office told me."

Nothing changed.

I got a job a month before I graduated (at 20, I graduated high school at 17). My mom decided to step in again and help me. I didn't have a car (having totaled my motorcycle in a night-time encounter with three deer), so she came down and drove me to my interview. I appreciated the help, but it was kind of weird to have her suddenly step in an claim pride and the mother title since she hadn't made it a secret she thought made a wrong career choice.

When I was 23, I was in another motorcycle accident (don't ask) and was recovering from a concussion, had a few fractured ribs, and a broken collarbone. The emergency place they took me to did a horrible job of patching me up. After I was dropped off at my apartment, I called my mom for advice, as she's a nurse. All of a sudden, she wanted to come down to take care of me. It was a 2.5 hour drive. I resisted it, reasoning that I could sleep uncomfortably through the night and then try to drive myself with one hand (and I've always had stick shifts) to the doctor's office. I resented it because I was thinking, "where were you from 12-18?". I hated it, but finally let her come be a mom again. It played well into her co-dependent/rescuer traits.