Set boundary with dBPDw of Emotional Cheating Didn't go as Planned

[KBNML]

Hello All,

Well I stepped up to the plate tonight to overcome my Codependency. Wife has been cheating for over a year. We started off talking and she was opening up about her struggles but she wanted to talk about her over shopping. She wanted nothing to do with talking about cheating and even started recanting things she had admitted to already. We took a break and she said we could talk more after sons soccer game.

Time came around she didn't want to talk, Normal thing for her. I told her we could talk about it or by not talking I would take that as her answer and Would follow through with setting a boundary. That if she continued to have contact then I would be make a call in the morning. She didn't want to talk and I said that she may want to read this before making that decision. It was my offer for a even and very fair divorce agreement. I don't want to do it. But I need to be true to my principals At some point. After reading it she came down to our bed room and said we are done and grabed clothes to sleep in and said find someone to watch our girls and she would be back tomorrow.

That was not how I want to show her how serious of an issue this was to me. I hope she has time to cool down and see this. She has an T appointment on friday afternoon. I wanted this to be talked about before that so she could process it at the appointment. Then come back and talk about how to handle the affair not the divorce. Now not sure what will fall out of this?

Feels great to set that boundary but was the worst way I could have done it. I have never set a boundary with her before with this kind of value. Very scared at the moment. But empowered for standing up for me. I know I need to find the power inside to be ready for the backlash in the near future. She is good at not raging and will normally take 3+ days to come and talk to me. Hoping the appointment shortens this.     Her Girlfriend just texted me that she is there and is safe.

Idea on what to watch for and support would be helpful.

Thanks all

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[Narellan]

Well done to you! I think you handled it extremely well. You have set your boundaries and given her the power to decide what she's going to do. You need to stand firm now. My take us that she may now paint you black and leave for a time. That is to try to gain back control. Good for you. It may be a bumpy ride ahead, but already you are feeling the effects of standing up for yourself. Feel proud. 

[KBNML]

Thank you,

The trouble I see with that and this is what I have been troubled with is I see the same thing happening.

What do I do if while I'm black she goes back to him. Then says she has come to the light and wants to be a family again. This is where I see the major problem is going to be. It goes into the intermittent reinforcement trap.  How do I get my family back and Not Set Myself Up For Trouble again?

[Narellan]

You'll have to decide for yourself what your boundaries are. Or deal breakers in this case.

I suspected my ex BPD was flirting behind my back with my best friend. I felt something was going on but they both lied to me. For months. Theyd both sworn black and blue they weren't interested in each other. I felt like I was going crazy. When he split me black a couple months ago ( for loving him too much), he hit on her 2 days later. Talking and flirting, arranging to meet up, sending intimate photos. I was NC with him, but she lied to my face and said he hadn't contacted her at all. And she was responding back to him.

It was a deal breaker for me with both of them when I discovered what they were doing. Ended my 20 year friendship with her, and still NC with him. They were both painting me black. So F them. I took myself out of the game. Lo and behold 3 weeks later they're not speaking and not FB friends anymore.

Damage done though. I could never trust either of them again so for me to not be crazy all the time, and to live in peace, I had to kick them out of my life and move On. It's not what I wanted. I was devastated. But I couldn't live with the suspicion.

It's different for you , you have a lot more at stake. It depends really on what you're prepared to live with. I wish you the very best. 

[Grey Kitty]

What do you want?

Can you forgive her and move on if she ends the affair now?

Do you need more than that from her?

Is this an emotional affair or a physical affair?

The reason I ask is that there is a grey area around emotional affairs, and in some cases, intent matters as much as actions do... . Of course, you don't know what your wife was intending. And from her point of view (with BPD), she probably re-writes her intentions in the past based on her current feelings... . making her view of it suspect as well!

Recanting her confession may be her honestly describing her reality to you--if she is re-writing her history, she probably believes it.

[KBNML]

Well

The weekend is over now! WOW! Major roller coast ride!

So, Thursday night was very dicey, Talked very little to her after she came back( I took a vacation day to be there). Decide the only way to get the most real story was to talk to the friend. This part was shady on my part. I used her phone while she was napping and call him. Explained what Information I was looking for and If we could talk about it in the near future. He talked to me for 20 mins at that point. After talking with him and comparing note on behaviors and events we both had a better understanding of situation. They have been friends and tried dating a few different times over a 18 yr period. He is a needed outlet for my wife but it got out of hand. He said he wants nothing to do with getting hurt on that level with her and was not planning on that pain again. So, for me I feel better that we are all on the same page and he and I agreed to keep each other informed on any thing ugly come up.

So, when she wake up i told her the truth about what I did. By using SET and she was confused on how to feel for a while. She had requested the day before that we should "just be" and not talk about the past or present problems. I told her that I no longer felt the need to talk as the questions I had were now answered. We had a good rest of the day with our Ds and She opened up that night in bed and talked to me about things she was dealing with job search and life issues. Great progress!

Wake up and things feel off before she goes to T. She gets out and talks about the finances that she had self destructed on. I did my best not to say any thing negative. As this is an area that she has had the most improvement in and is her major coping skill when things are very bad. Don't want to make this step back any more painful then needs be. Can hear and see how down she is on her self about this already. I asked about a budget moving forward and she got very edgy. Took it as I was not trusting her and that I wanted to know about her T meeting. We ended it both feeling hurt.

She took a nap which is normal after a hard T meeting. I went for a drive with the Ds napping in the back seat. I didn't want to be able to talk to her as I processed the events. She woke-up and text me to come home. She was packed and sitting on the steps. We had a energy filled civil talk about feelings and events. I did great. I used tools and didn't get defensive. Fed the kids and She was still going to leave but calmer about it and Our D ask if we were still going to park? Thank you god. Wife has been making a point I guess of doing what she tells them they are going to do. I told the girls we would go to the park after your late lunch. That counts I guess.

The Time at the park and me only making small talk was working. Went home had dinner and one of her girlfriend called to have a girls night. That turned into a later night and got me another night.

By Sat. afternoon things were moving in a good direction again. Went out for her Birthday had dinner and It turned into a first date kind of mood. It ended quietly and positive. Sunday was a very opening up day with her. She was talking about future things with the house and some longer out plans. We talked about a few job change Ideas that friends had heard of for her.

She left Sunday after dinner. She was planning on only staying until friday night or early sat. morning. She even walked over to the otherside of car to kiss and hug me good-bye. It has been stone cold up to this point on any good-bye to this point.

I took it as a good sign and will be interested to she how the next interaction is black or white.

So, I kinda got what I wanted I guess. I feel that the Emotional affair on her side is done and she is opening up to working on us. This seems to make me feel at peace for now. Still have to make it to the end of the summer before know anything for sure. That is when her parents come back for the winter, She will have to move out to somewhere else then.

Wild ride to a positive out come.

Normal for some of US here wise it was for more of US.

Thanks for reading hope it helped you.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds like she is really trying to work things out with you. That is very encouraging.

Even things that seem like small steps to us can be very hard for a pwBPD.

Is there anything that you would like help dealing with now?