I think I may have spoken out when I shouldn't have

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It'll be a year this summer since I left my ex and the small community where he lived.  When I left that town, I cut ties with everyone there. 

I thought I had everyone blocked, but I guess I missed somebody because an old friend liked a public post of mine on FB today.  She messaged, and I messaged back, and I briefly explained why I had deleted her, and why I'd left town.  Most people didn't know I was leaving, including her.

I explained to her that my ex had been abusive to me and that when I left I was in the get-as-far-away as I could mindset and never look back.  It's a small town, and that's one of the reasons why I kept quiet about it when I was there.  While I don't feel the need to broadcast it, at the same time I don't feel like hiding it any more, and I felt that I needed to explain to her why I cut ties with her and everyone else there.

Was that wrong to do?  Was it wrong for me to tell her he was abusive? 

[blissful_camper]

It'll be a year this summer since I left my ex and the small community where he lived.  When I left that town, I cut ties with everyone there. 

I thought I had everyone blocked, but I guess I missed somebody because an old friend liked a public post of mine on FB today.  She messaged, and I messaged back, and I briefly explained why I had deleted her, and why I'd left town.  Most people didn't know I was leaving, including her.

I explained to her that my ex had been abusive to me and that when I left I was in the get-as-far-away as I could mindset and never look back.  It's a small town, and that's one of the reasons why I kept quiet about it when I was there.  While I don't feel the need to broadcast it, at the same time I don't feel like hiding it any more, and I felt that I needed to explain to her why I cut ties with her and everyone else there.

Was that wrong to do?  Was it wrong for me to tell her he was abusive? 

[Tausk]

IMHO, it's rarely wrong to tell the truth, especially if the intent of the disclosure is pure.  What is the motivation for you.  Will you have to go back?  :)o you want other people to know?  :)o you want revenge?

It's likely that your ex smeared you in your town after you left.  The smear campaign can be pretty difficult for those of us with circles of friends in common with our exes wBPD. But it's important for me not to respond in anger or impulse, but to carefully craft my responses and to be judicious as to whom I disclose the truth.  

It sounds like you have made the difficult choices to leave.  Congrats.  I did, and my ex lived 100 miles away. And now she lives in my town a mile away, and married to the guy she cheated with.  And I know the smear campaign continues, since on the outside it looks she is a victim.  And she is honest when she expresses herself as a victim.  She truly believes it because the Disorder tells her it's so.

But I have calmly asserted who I am, what we were, and where I am today to the people whose opinion matter to me because they are my friends and deserve to know the truth about the people they want to trust.

Be well.  Congrats on your strength.  Continue to recapture your true self, and when you're ready and if you want, let your life shine on FB, Twiter, Instagram for others to see as an inspiration of sincerity and compassion.

[Ihope2]

I have also wondered about this.  How to tell people in the most neutral possible way what happened.  For instance, some people in my neighbourhood whom he used to greet when we went for a walk together, and who now see me walking or jogging on my own again.  I am dreading this one guy, he is very in your face and I am just waiting for him to ask me "Where's your man, haven't seen him around in a while".  Or the pharmacy up the road, where I used to get his chronic meds.  What happens when the people behind the counter ask me "How is your husband? Why has he not come for his monthly meds for so long?".

Or my colleagues at work, I had to tell them something.  Only a very close female co-worker and my boss know more of what went on in this failed BPD marriage I have been in. 

I tend to preface my explanations with "He is a very damaged, hurt man with a lot of problems". I don't really mention BPD or Personality Disorder. I might make reference to mental illness.  And I try to steer clear of running his character down to those who would not understand.  People are very quick to get very dramatic and over-sensationalise something and they are very quick to "hate the abuser" especially if it is a man abusing woman situation.  My ex BPDh never lifted a finger to me in physical abuse, he never sexually abused me.  It was emotional abuse, but those of us who know a bit more about BPD understand in what context the emotional abuse and manipulation took place... .

I think it is ok to tell our side of the story to those who ask us, but if we start finding ourselves doing a smear campaign and painting our ex BPD SO black, then we must know we need to re-evaluate our perspective a bit... .

[blissful_camper]

IMHO, it's rarely wrong to tell the truth, especially if the intent of the disclosure is pure.  What is the motivation for you. 

I cut ties with everyone in the community because I felt that I needed to insulate myself from triggers or contact by proxy during NC.   I felt that I owed her an explanation, and an apology for cutting ties. I could have avoided speaking the truth, but then I asked myself "why?"  I don't need to hold that space anymore. 

Will you have to go back? 

No.  I moved over 500 miles away.  I have no desire to return there even for a visit. 

Do you want other people to know? 

No.  There's no reason. 

Do you want revenge?

No.  That's not my way. 

It's likely that your ex smeared you in your town after you left.  The smear campaign can be pretty difficult for those of us with circles of friends in common with our exes wBPD. But it's important for me not to respond in anger or impulse, but to carefully craft my responses and to be judicious as to whom I disclose the truth. 

I agree with you.  When I lived there I didn't broadcast what was going on.  The primary reason was to protect myself.  He is well-liked in that community, and the community turns the other cheek to what he does behind closed doors.  It was in my own best interest to be discreet, and get away as far as I could. 

It sounds like you have made the difficult choices to leave.  Congrats. 

Thank you.  Almost a year out, I'm a different person than I was this time last year -- happier and stronger, I'm fulfilling my needs rather than the needs of an abuser. 

I did, and my ex lived 100 miles away. And now she lives in my town a mile away, and married to the guy she cheated with.  And I know the smear campaign continues, since on the outside it looks she is a victim.  And she is honest when she expresses herself as a victim.  She truly believes it because the Disorder tells her it's so.

 

Ah yes.  My ex believes he is the victim too because he can't take responsibility for his behavior. He would likely have a nervous breakdown if he faced the facts. 

But I have calmly asserted who I am, what we were, and where I am today to the people whose opinion matter to me because they are my friends and deserve to know the truth about the people they want to trust.

 

Yes, good for you for speaking your truth. 

Be well.  Congrats on your strength.  Continue to recapture your true self, and when you're ready and if you want, let your life shine on FB, Twiter, Instagram for others to see as an inspiration of sincerity and compassion.

Thank you for that, and thank you for your insights!   

[blissful_camper]

I have also wondered about this.  How to tell people in the most neutral possible way what happened.  For instance, some people in my neighbourhood whom he used to greet when we went for a walk together, and who now see me walking or jogging on my own again.  I am dreading this one guy, he is very in your face and I am just waiting for him to ask me "Where's your man, haven't seen him around in a while".  Or the pharmacy up the road, where I used to get his chronic meds.  What happens when the people behind the counter ask me "How is your husband? Why has he not come for his monthly meds for so long?".

Or my colleagues at work, I had to tell them something.  Only a very close female co-worker and my boss know more of what went on in this failed BPD marriage I have been in. 

I tend to preface my explanations with "He is a very damaged, hurt man with a lot of problems". I don't really mention BPD or Personality Disorder. I might make reference to mental illness.  And I try to steer clear of running his character down to those who would not understand.  People are very quick to get very dramatic and over-sensationalise something and they are very quick to "hate the abuser" especially if it is a man abusing woman situation.  My ex BPDh never lifted a finger to me in physical abuse, he never sexually abused me.  It was emotional abuse, but those of us who know a bit more about BPD understand in what context the emotional abuse and manipulation took place... .

I think it is ok to tell our side of the story to those who ask us, but if we start finding ourselves doing a smear campaign and painting our ex BPD SO black, then we must know we need to re-evaluate our perspective a bit... .

It wasn't easy for me to share what I'd experienced with her.  I kept it brief and didn't elaborate. 

My closest friends and family were shocked/outraged that my ex had been abusive during the r/s.  But these are people who have a moral compass.  My ex lives in a community that enables him, and looks the other way.  When he physically abused a previous girlfriend, she sought an RO and was denied the RO.  She then went to neighboring communities seeking an RO and her request was denied there too.  My ex's best friend was chief of police and he stepped in to protect my ex's reputation. 

It sounds as though you are handling questions fairly, and with compassion.