Wish I didn't know... NC is tough but best.

[clover528]

So, I found out that quite possibly my uBPD/NPD ex may not be married. That is only part of the problem I have. Talk about the smear campaign. He told people I am terribly addicted to pain pills and nerve meds and psychotropics galore. That he couldnt handle my begging him to go get said meds from various sources he had. ( I am not and never have been. All my family and friends know this. I am very much a T- totaler. Meaning I dont even drink socially and avoid any and all meds. Not to mention, I am still nursing our D2). He then proceeded to say that I had been blowing up his and his gf's phones but had let up recently. ( havent had any contact at all with her since February and with him since March). All blatant lies. Then he says how much he still loves me and that he would melt in my presence. that he has never loved anyone like me and would alwys love only me. That in fact he thinks of me daily and cries daily because we arent together. WTH!

Ok, This is so painful! I know his family may have meant well. They even told me they knew he was lying etc... . But why on earth tell me he said he had feelings for me still. It sickens me and opened up some major woulnds. She even said she felt that in the moment when he told her his feelings for me, that was his only moment of truth. She said it broke her heart because the tears began streaming down his face as he spoke. I am reeling right now. I wish I didnt know.

The only solution I see to this is not having any contact with his family again.  They have been very helpful and supportive. I just cant know anymore about him or their relationship. It hurts too much. I even broke over and went cyberstalking them. Apparently she is blocked from his page now. removed from his family section and he has his status listed as single. That opened another can of worms and worries too.

I am angry with myself! I just want to heal and move forward. I want to not have these feelings for him. He is so MEAN! I dont even want to know why anymore. I just dont want to miss him or think of him. I am going non stop. The four kids and parent with dementia is a handful to put it mildly. I also have sisters son here that I am trying to help. I dont have time to study and read and go to therapy. I just have to take things as they come. I am struggling so hard with my emotions. Keeping a good face on and staying strong for my kids is such a challenge.

Thoughts? Advice? Support? anything? I guess I just needed to vent a little and get this crap out of my head!

[OutOfEgypt]

Don't be too hard on yourself.  You have feelings triggered and you don't want them to be.  Of course you don't.  But your anger need not be directed at yourself.  That anger is good... . it is a passion to break away from the mess.  Let it propel you.

It's hard to say what you should do.  Breaking away from his family may help sever ties with him, but at the same time... . maybe all you need to do with them is explain how unhelpful it is when they say stuff like that.  IF, and that is IF, they have any understanding of how and what he is, they may just feel guilty and want to try to soften things by saying stuff like that.  I can tell that my ex mother-in-law feels guilty and partially responsible for how her daughter, my ex wife, is.

If he is truly NPD/BPD, superficial emotionalism is actually pretty common.  It may feel real to them, but from talking to therapists they say it is likely just emotionalism rather than core affect (emotion).

Venting is good.  You feel pain and anger right now.  That is normal.  You feel stunned.  That is normal.  Keep going.  Let go of all the ruminations and analysis.  They are holding you down.  Follow that gut, that inexplicable passion to move beyond this and be free.

[clover528]

OutOfEgypt,

I am planning that approach with his family. They know how he is in his relationships. He only came back into their life the last four years. Large in part because I pushed him to. They have since said he isnt who they thought he would be. They are very loving and supportive of him regardless. He still wont get professional help though. He has a family history of Bipolar as well. They understand he has problems.

I am trying to let the emotions flow. It is not easy in my situation. I am angry. I am heart broken. I am so hurt. I have been crying and obsessing over this since I found out. I thought I was so far beyond this stage. I was obviously wrong. I have posted before that I do love this man. Will likely love him til the day I die. Its just who I am. Letting go of what he meant to me in my perception is the hard part I think. His words and actions for a time were so in align with that view. We all know his actions were not. I do know that the emotion he showed was likely just that. A show. He was always a good actor. I wish that it didnt bring up the feelings of hope for me again. That is what opened the wounds.



Thank you for the kind words and understanding. I will get through this. As will we all.

[OutOfEgypt]

Ironic... . you and I both have what sounds like fairly functional relationships with our ex's family.  My ex doesn't even talk to her mom, and at this point her mom is done dealing with it all.  I feel badly for her, but I'm happy to be the linkage between her and my kids -because I know my ex won't be!

[clover528]

 I admire his family. I tried to facilitate things between his kids and them while I was able. His lies got out of hand and I was no longer able to keep up. So many discrepancies. Its been difficult. I miss his kids so very much. This whole situation is painful. My no longer communicating with them wont cause disruption at this point. His new Wife or gf or whatever she is to him now, will have to facilitate that  if they want to communicate with the kids. My ex has a tendency to cut people out of his life until he needs them. The same is true for his family and they know that. I hope for the best for all of them combined. Its heartbreaking. Its also very much out of my control. Letting go and letting God. Thanks again for your kindness.

Clover