Trouble detaching

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I've been 2 months nc with a chance meeting in the middle.

I'm having serious trouble detaching and I'm still in panic anxiety mode.

The relationship is over. She left my flat saying effectively she doesn't love me anymore I've got to let her go and moved onto my replacement taking my condoms.

I don't know who she is with or where she is. I've done no FB spying and have not once tried to contact her.  However, I am still as desperate for contact from her as I've ever been. I obsess constantly. Sleep rubbish to non existent. Fantasise about who she's with and obsess about whether she's going to ring me.

In order to detach what's the next stage out of this place I'm at. I still hold onto hope that she will ring and want to meet. But do I need to let go of this hope. Because it's keeping me stuck in a terrible loop. How do I do it. Thanks

[Front runner]

Hi everyone,

I've been 2 months nc with a chance meeting in the middle.

I'm having serious trouble detaching and I'm still in panic anxiety mode.

The relationship is over. She left my flat saying effectively she doesn't love me anymore I've got to let her go and moved onto my replacement taking my condoms.

I don't know who she is with or where she is. I've done no FB spying and have not once tried to contact her.  However, I am still as desperate for contact from her as I've ever been. I obsess constantly. Sleep rubbish to non existent. Fantasise about who she's with and obsess about whether she's going to ring me.

In order to detach what's the next stage out of this place I'm at. I still hold onto hope that she will ring and want to meet. But do I need to let go of this hope. Because it's keeping me stuck in a terrible loop. How do I do it. Thanks

[Emelie Emelie]

I get so tired of the pain these people cause.  I understand exactly how you feel and send you  .  I'm actually only a couple of baby steps beyond where you are now... . and some days not even that.  I went through huge panic/anxiety and still do sometimes but it does get better.  I promise you. 

Good for you on not contacting her and staying away from Facebook.  I think it hurts a lot less to not know. 

What helps me the most is to let yourself feel your feelings.  Just accept them and let them be there.  "Letting Go" suggests we pay attention to our feelings and simply say "I consent".  That's acceptance.  For some reason it helps.   You can handle them and they will pass.  Do something that comforts you.  Watch a movie, have dinner with a friend, have a good cry... . whatever makes you feel a little better. 

As far as letting go of hope?  The unfortunate reality is she probably will contact you again at some point.  I was positive I was never going to hear from my ex and in a couple of months he was all over me.  We just don't know what is going to happen.  Try to just deal with today and let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.  The only thing you need to do is feel your feelings and take good care of yourself today.

[blueman54321]

I am vaguely where you are at, just not as along. I think the hope takes time to diminish, although I've no idea really, would like an answer to this too.

I find talking to other girls helps me take my mind off of her but I'm still not in a place to go any further.

[Mutt]

You're in the most painful part of the break up, I recall the first couple of months. 

I didn't have issues with sleep. Have you talked to a doctor about sleep? Have you considered releasing endorphins by exercising? You're in the most difficult stretch, this is rough, you will be OK.

[seeking balance]

If there was a substitute for time, I would package it and make millions... .

My first 3 - 6 months were really hard - no sleep, panic,  etc

I did what the senior members on the board said and it did get better... . exercised, set a personal goal to do something that gave me routine/focus, went to dr. for sleep help, went to T, limited alcohol, put myself around safe people... . and cried.

It gets better - it really does.

Peace,

SB

[Front runner]

I went swimming for the first time today. It was AWFUL. Firstly I couldn't get her out of my head. Like I was trying to get in shape for her. Then I was thinking what's the point anyway as she doesn't want to know me. Then I panicked because my phone might not have reception in the locker so got out. Dire dire.

Then this afternoon with a bit of energy from the swimming my brain went haywire. And now all I care about his her getting back in touch and whoever she's with doing whatever.

However, swimming will play a part in my rehab I know. But it's so hard!

[Front runner]

I get so tired of the pain these people cause.  I understand exactly how you feel and send you  .  I'm actually only a couple of baby steps beyond where you are now... . and some days not even that.  I went through huge panic/anxiety and still do sometimes but it does get better.  I promise you. 

Good for you on not contacting her and staying away from Facebook.  I think it hurts a lot less to not know. 

What helps me the most is to let yourself feel your feelings.  Just accept them and let them be there.  "Letting Go" suggests we pay attention to our feelings and simply say "I consent".  That's acceptance.  For some reason it helps.   You can handle them and they will pass.  Do something that comforts you.  Watch a movie, have dinner with a friend, have a good cry... . whatever makes you feel a little better. 

As far as letting go of hope?  The unfortunate reality is she probably will contact you again at some point.  I was positive I was never going to hear from my ex and in a couple of months he was all over me.  We just don't know what is going to happen.  Try to just deal with today and let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.  The only thing you need to do is feel your feelings and take good care of yourself today.

Thanks emelie that's a comforting post!

[pipehitter]

I went swimming for the first time today. It was AWFUL. Firstly I couldn't get her out of my head. Like I was trying to get in shape for her. Then I was thinking what's the point anyway as she doesn't want to know me. Then I panicked because my phone might not have reception in the locker so got out. Dire dire.

Then this afternoon with a bit of energy from the swimming my brain went haywire. And now all I care about his her getting back in touch and whoever she's with doing whatever.

However, swimming will play a part in my rehab I know. But it's so hard!

I feel your pain. I really do. I am going through basically the same.

I also noticed: at first I didn't care about the replacement. But I begin to more and more become jealous. Not going into details, but rumminating about what they do together, how they sleep together etc is becoming more and more of a torture.

[Mutt]

Not going into details, but rumminating about what they do together, how they sleep together etc is becoming more and more of a torture.

It is torture thinking about how the replacement is sleeping with ex, and our break up was so sudden, quick and heartless. I was angry at him for awhile, then I felt relief and finally I realized, he didn't know better. He's a guy that thinks he's trying to do good, going by what she is telling him.

[Front runner]

Not going into details, but rumminating about what they do together, how they sleep together etc is becoming more and more of a torture.

It is torture thinking about how the replacement is sleeping with ex, and our break up was so sudden, quick and heartless. I was angry at him for awhile, then I felt relief and finally I realized, he didn't know better. He's a guy that thinks he's trying to do good, going by what she is telling him.

Take comfort from the fact the longer you are out and nc the sooner the ___s going down in their new rs. My ex took off with some guys doing drugs after 3 months. So only one month left till the new mirror shows it's first crack!. I did stay for another 16 months. But they weren't quite so good... .

[pipehitter]

Not going into details, but rumminating about what they do together, how they sleep together etc is becoming more and more of a torture.

It is torture thinking about how the replacement is sleeping with ex, and our break up was so sudden, quick and heartless. I was angry at him for awhile, then I felt relief and finally I realized, he didn't know better. He's a guy that thinks he's trying to do good, going by what she is telling him.

Take comfort from the fact the longer you are out and nc the sooner thes going down in their new rs. My ex took off with some guys doing drugs after 3 months. So only one month left till the new mirror shows it's first crack!. I did stay for another 16 months. But they weren't quite so good... .

I thought about something the other day.

I was in a LDR relationship for a long time with her. Actually, even before I first met her. It was only after I physically met her that slowly things started going downhill. It didn't for half a year... . until I met her and left again.

The replacement... . well he already was physical with her and now had to leave. I guess the honeymoon phase will be cut short by the fact.

[arjay]

I went swimming for the first time today. It was AWFUL. Firstly I couldn't get her out of my head. Like I was trying to get in shape for her. Then I was thinking what's the point anyway as she doesn't want to know me. Then I panicked because my phone might not have reception in the locker so got out. Dire

I called that stage, "emotions leaking out", like perspiration with intense exercise".  They NEED to come out and fighting them only makes it more protracted.  I let myself "experience" the emotions, telling myself "this is what it feels like to be coming out of a really bad relationship".

Sometimes I had to keep reading why the relationship was bad and learning about other's experiences by posting and reading here.  You will find over time that what you are experiencing, is not really different than it was for most of us.  It IS tough, but going back means the "clock starts all over again" when you eventually go NC, because you will again (and do you really want to go through this again?)

Peace

[Front runner]

I went swimming for the first time today. It was AWFUL. Firstly I couldn't get her out of my head. Like I was trying to get in shape for her. Then I was thinking what's the point anyway as she doesn't want to know me. Then I panicked because my phone might not have reception in the locker so got out. Dire

I called that stage, "emotions leaking out", like perspiration with intense exercise".  They NEED to come out and fighting them only makes it more protracted.  I let myself "experience" the emotions, telling myself "this is what it feels like to be coming out of a really bad

relationship".


Sometimes I had to keep reading why the relationship was bad and learning about other's experiences by posting and reading here.  You will find over time that what you are experiencing, is not really different than it was for most of us.  It IS tough, but going back means the "clock starts all over again" when you eventually go NC, because you will again (and do you really want to go through this again?)

Peace

Not sure id make it

[tango1492]

Hi FrontRunner,

I have been NC for 4 months--not counting the fact that I have actually checked his FB and have discovered his beautiful new gf on there.

Never the less, I will say this... . it's better after 4 months NC than it was after 1 or 2... . and it's significantly better after 10 total months of being broken up than it was in the first few months when we were in contact off and on and I was being jerked around.

Don't get me wrong. I have bad days. I still ruminate quite a bit. I feel intensely sad sometimes and unfortunately can remember so incredibly vividly the things did we did together, the way he felt, the insane attraction, etc. My 8 yr old son sometimes asks me to remind him of all the things he and my ex used to do together... . and that still breaks my heart (he's the only father figure my son has really had and now he's not in his life at all).

BUT! I have made a couple new friends. I have started learning to play an instrument and take lessons weekly. I actually ENJOY the lesson and ENJOY practicing. I workout. I go to the pool with my kid and swim. I watch some TV shows I enjoy.

My point being---I am actually capable of feeling enjoyment again. There was a time not so long ago that I really couldn't find much pleasure in anything. I was too sad and hopeless--I was grieving the loss so deeply. But slowly, slowly, I can see improvement. Seriously, I could hardly even clean my house before. But today I took myself out to see a sweet movie all by myself and came home and tidied up my house. And now I'm spending a few moments on this forum for quick "therapy".

I also have an appointment with a new therapist next week that comes highly recommended. I'm hoping to do further work in the "letting go" process because I certainly do still fantasize he may one day contact me again--and that maybe maybe maybe things would be different. But I want to move on and let that go. It's a process but it's getting better.

When I read that people said it gets better on this forum-- I used to think "It gets better for you maybe, but it won't for me. It's impossible. No one can understand the type of love I had for my ex. Etc." People are resilient. In a sense, it's probably nearly impossible for someone not to start to move on and come out of the sadness eventually. Unless you have a major depressive condition that is untreated, you won't stay sad forever. Not sad and anxious like you are now at least. I know it feels like the cloud will never lift. But it does ever so slowly fade away. Look for any signs of improvement and focus on those to give you hope.