Waiting for Mr. Right/Perfect

[Alex86]

Hello to all,

my ex girlfriend undiagnosed with BPD always said that she would wait for Mr. Right/Perfect.

Of course I was not Mr. Perfect because of the mistakes I had done (not cheating of course).

She was saying that he wanted a man to do anything for her. That was "love".

Unconditional Love.

I was telling her all the time that this is not possible in reality. No one is perfect. But with no result.

She had been triggering with common things such as money and then criticised me.

Sometimes when I was referring to her mistakes (which was rare because of my fear), she told me that

we must learn from our mistakes and improve ourselves. Of course she was "writing" all these and

turned against me after a while.

She also said that she couldn't forget certain things I had done and couldn't compromise.

Then I told her she clearly didn't have the ability to forgive. The funny thing is that she was a

fanatic follower of Christianity.

I really can't understand that logic.

How is this reasonable? I am wrong?

I had to compromise (maybe I over did it) and wanted to be together but not her.

Why she can't understand that there is no Mr. Right?

Is this so difficult idea? Does she feel she is perfect?

Is there a Mr/Ms Right for us having to wait for that and rejecting all the others

who might satisfy us, let's say about 80%?

Sometimes I think that from now on I maybe have to reject other people and not compromise

for everything.

[arjay]

Greetings.

I found this quote along the way that I believe, is applicable:

'"Idealization built on "dream come true" fairytale belief is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability.  It is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship... . "

So letting her thoughts shape your reality is simply "buying in" to dysfunctional thinking.

We are all flawed as humans.  We do our best to "celebrate people's assets" and try to understand their "liabilities".  The challenge is to know the difference and to be true to ourselves when considering our own wants and needs.

Peace to you

[AwakenedOne]

She was saying that she wanted a man to do anything for her. That was "love".

Unconditional Love.

Hi Alex,

My uBPDstbxw is this same way. Couldn't you in theory say the same thing back to her? "If she loved you she would do everything for you". That would sound ridiculous to your own ears if you said those words to her right? Because it is ridiculous. If I asked my ex to do anything for me or us the first freakin thing out of her mouth was I am "controlling". Even though it is hard, try to resist her brainwashing you into believing her nonsense is my kind advice to you.

Peace,

AO

[Alex86]

If I asked my ex to do anything for me or us the first freakin thing out of her mouth was I am "controlling".

I think for her it was not so much "controlling" (maybe it was subconsciously) as "compromising".

The conditional way of her thinking was like that:

"If I need to compromise for something or

disagree with someone, then we can't be together.

And my instinct is always right".

Why should there be an "if" all the time?

I'm really very interested to understand how she cognitively connects that "if" thought 

to the "then" conclusion. Especially if she "loved me" to a soulmate level.

Maybe, it all comes from the devaluation. I know I'm trying to understand the impossible, but I really wanted to. 

In the end, I may also be afraid of the thought that this person might exist after all.[/quote]

Peace,

AO

Thanks, I really need it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I really can't understand that logic.

How is this reasonable? I am wrong?

It's not logic, it's not reasonable, and you are not wrong.  Borderlines live in black and white in a world that is gray, and throw in an unstable sense of self and push/pull behaviors and trying to navigate through that and resolve issues is seriously crazymaking.  The insidious part is it sneaks up on us, a constant barrage of little things, and although it isn't malicious on the part of the borderline, it will get us in that fear you mention, that walking on eggshells.  We get triggered too, and if you have an anxious attachment style, like me, you will get defensive and uncomfortable and eventually use protest behavior to cope, which makes it worse.  No winning in a situation like that, for anyone, better to heal and move on to someone you can actually resolve problems with.

[refusetosuccumb]

"Unconditional love" is code (at least in my situation) for "no consequences"

My stbxuBPDh would do really selfish, stupid stuff.  For example, he lost his license about a year ago.  My car is used for work, no car = no job.  I woke up one morning to him, and my car, gone.  He returned a few hours later.  I was (understandably) furious.  When he walked in the door, I demanded my keys back.  That turned into a battle, as he wanted me to "understand" the reason why he (illegally) took my car and that since "nothing happened bad" I had no reason to be furious.  Him taking the car was out of the equation, in his mind, and I was "controlling" him by taking away his "freedom" to drive.

Writing that out, I realize how silly it sounds.  But at the time, I really felt torn between "making him understand" my position and "understanding" his position.  Now that I'm getting out of the FOG, I realize how right I was to be furious.  They rewrite history in their own minds.

We nons know that "perfection" isn't realistic.  I'd rather be alone with my realistic self than ever try to live up to someone's idealization of me. 

I'm pretty sure my ex has replaced me.  I actually hope he has.  Then he'll leave me alone and stop trying to recycle me again.  He'll never accept his own reality, just build up a new one with his next victim.

[Mutt]

Hi Alex86,

It's confusing and frustrating when you are dealing with a BPD. Your ex is emitting a lot of FOG.

Of course I was not Mr. Perfect because of the mistakes I had done (not cheating of course).

Black and white thinking. It's difficult for a BPD to see the grey area. If my ex had done something to me that I was not happy with, I don't judge on that one thing and split her all black, I can see the sums of all the other good things that she has done, I can see her in middle, the grey area. A BPD  have difficulties with the grey area, they will either undervalue you, or overvalue you.

She also said that she couldn't forget certain things I had done and couldn't compromise.

Then I told her she clearly didn't have the ability to forgive. The funny thing is that she was a

fanatic follower of Christianity.

All or nothing, again, splitting. It doesn't have to do with Christianity, she is mentally ill.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Your title is an interesting choice: Waiting for Mr. Right/Perfect it's idealization to a BPD and cycles to devaluation. There is no "Mr. Right/Perfect", not long-term, it's only for a short period in the context she is saying it in, during the honeymoon phase.

Sometimes I think that from now on I maybe have to reject other people and not compromise

for everything.

I hope that you understand black and white thinking, it's her issue.

[Alex86]

Thanks Mutt for the link.

I was reading it and I came across to the following text from A.J. Mahari claiming to be a recovered BPD (bolds are mine):

Borderlines in this dissociative re-play of their unresolved abandonment trauma treat you as if you are the person with whom they experienced the abandonment, the trauma, the ruptured relationship, failed bonding or attachment with that lead to their original loss of self.

This means that for the non borderline relating to a regressed borderline in the here and now, you don't even really exist. You are but a mere extension of the borderline's toxic fusion with someone from wherein there was a very painful and real rupture of attachment. This rupture of attachment is played out with you, the non borderline, in the here and now, over and over and it form the "all-bad" of half of the split."

I read about splitting but I didn't believe it to that extent... . :'(

[Mutt]

Thanks Mutt for the link.

I was reading it and I came across to the following text from A.J. Mahari claiming to be a recovered BPD (bolds are mine):

Borderlines in this dissociative re-play of their unresolved abandonment trauma treat you as if you are the person with whom they experienced the abandonment, the trauma, the ruptured relationship, failed bonding or attachment with that lead to their original loss of self.

This means that for the non borderline relating to a regressed borderline in the here and now, you don't even really exist. You are but a mere extension of the borderline's toxic fusion with someone from wherein there was a very painful and real rupture of attachment. This rupture of attachment is played out with you, the non borderline, in the here and now, over and over and it form the "all-bad" of half of the split."

I read about splitting but I didn't believe it to that extent... . :'(

She is also describing transference. It's a serious disorder Alex86, understand that it's not something that is under your ex's control. It's a painful / excruciating experience   Read as much as you can about BPD.