At a loss - the girl I love left me and got pregnant

[llere23]

I was turned on to this site because I recently started seeing a therapist who, after hearing my situation, suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. I knew nothing about BPD until I read this book and it was extremely eye opening and fitting to my current situation... .

I began a relationship (and ended up falling in love) with a girl (she is 23 I am 28) about a year ago who had just moved from out of state and got a job at the company I work for. She had recently graduated from college and ended a toxic 3 year relationship with someone before moving. We hit it off pretty quickly and began dating (although it took her a while to admit that as she always had trouble with definitions) and became really close with each other. We were extremely compatible with each other and she became a really important part of my life and she made it seem like I was really important to her also. We rarely ever had disagreements or fights. The absolute only thing we ever fought about was whenever another guy entered the picture and got in the way of us.

At one point early in the relationship (before it was defined) she confided to me that she had been sleeping with someone else. I was upset about it but I didn't feel like she did anything necessarily wrong since we really hadn't made a decision about seeing other people. After that we decided we weren't seeing other people.

The first 4 months were perfect. We spent a lot of time together, became really close, always had fun, had great chemistry and passion between us, etc. Then she started getting stressed about her work / life situation and became really depressed. I felt like she was very honest with me about her feelings and depression and shared with me a lot about her childhood (coming from a broken family, father didn't want to have anything to do with her, I suspect there was some kind of abuse although she never indicated that, etc.). I was always there to support her in any way I could but I could never really figure out what was bothering her and felt like the things she shared that were bothering her were only a small part of it. I started feeling like she was pushing me away.

Eventually another guy entered the picture and I made it clear I wasn't going to be involved with her as long as anyone else was in her life romantically. She came back to me and said all the right things and we went through a period of 3 months of her holding on to the emotional aspects of our relationship but at the same time keeping this other guy around. When I brought it up, and often did, she said all the right things to make me think that I was really the one she wanted and she just needed time to sort out what she had gotten herself into. She brought up marriage and talked about our future many times but she found it very difficult to tell me what I meant to her. She knew I was in love with her and knew I wanted her long term and that is why I never walked away from her. She told one of my friends after the first couple of months that she saw herself wanting to be with me long term but felt like I was too good for her.

Eventually she officially ended the already over relationship with that guy and things started moving forward for us again. In the following month she made a decision to quit her job at my company which I supported 100%. Her last day I found out that she was going to an out-of-town event with this other guy and that they were staying in a hotel together. She explained that it was something they committed to a while back and had decided they would still go to as friends. I got very upset about this and made it clear I wasn't going to deal with it moving forward but I understood the commitment had already been made (I never tried to stop her or tell her not to do it). I told her that I needed her to commit to me or I felt like I needed to move on. She became very non-communicative and refused to tell me whether or not anything happened at this event. We had sporadic fights about it over the next 2 and a half weeks because I needed answers before I could put it behind us and she wasn't willing to discuss it and acted like it shouldn't be a big deal. The last time we discussed the situation she called me controlling, demanding, entitled, etc (because I needed answers) and told me that she didn't want anything to do with me, didn't want to be with me and I would never hear from her again.

During those 2 and a half weeks she had started sleeping with a guy that lived in her apartment building (he is 39 by the way). This was something that she thought I didn't know because of course she never told me but I could read between the lines in some of the things she said and the inconsistencies. This was a guy that had asked her out at some point in the beginning of our relationship and she always said he freaked her out and was way too old for her, etc. About a month and a half after she cut off all communication I found out that she was pregnant and this guy was the father.

I saw her at a business networking event a few days ago and ended up talking to her for about an hour at the end. She was surprisingly open to me about the situation and told me that she was really depressed and didn't know what to do. I got the feeling that this guy isn't being very supportive and, although he says he will be there for the child, doesn't really want to have anything to do with her. I know that she doesn't want any kind of ongoing relationship with him and really regrets that he is the father. Everything she said to me was pretty much exactly as she has described it to a mutual friend of ours also. I told her that I realize that what happened at the end of our relationship was not really about me and that I forgave her for everything and that the current situation didn't change anything for me. I said that I wanted to marry her before and still do (assuming she wanted me too) and would love and support her for the rest of my life and would love and support her child as if it were my own. The next day I sent her a message saying that the things I said were not because of the conversation we were having but rather something that I had wanted to say to her since I found out that she was pregnant. I didn't want her to think that I said it because I found out more about the situation.

That was a few days ago and I haven't heard anything from her. I am overcome with a lot of emotions. I feel sad for her, I am worried about her, I feel rejected, I feel led on, guilty and I'm confused. I have become extremely depressed after she pushed me out of her life and that is when I decided to start seeing a therapist (at the time I didn't know about the pregnancy). I am torn between trying to move on with my life and what I think I know I ultimately want which is to be with her. I feel like I know I am important to her and she really did want a future with me but she just wasn't ready to accept it. At the same time I can't help but think that I've been led on the whole time. I don't know what to do. I would do anything to reconcile things with her (as I know none of this really had anything to do with me) and really want to be there for her. Sorry for the lengthy post and it's only scratching the surface. I welcome anyone's thoughts or insight on my situation.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Welcome to the site.  I hope you decide to stick around and learn more about BPD and about healthy relationships.


I'll leave you with that for now... . please let us know what you find out this site with regards to healthy relationships.

I was turned on to this site because I recently started seeing a therapist who, after hearing my situation, suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. I knew nothing about BPD until I read this book and it was extremely eye opening and fitting to my current situation... .

I began a relationship (and ended up falling in love) with a girl (she is 23 I am 28) about a year ago who had just moved from out of state and got a job at the company I work for. She had recently graduated from college and ended a toxic 3 year relationship with someone before moving. We hit it off pretty quickly and began dating (although it took her a while to admit that as she always had trouble with definitions) and became really close with each other. We were extremely compatible with each other and she became a really important part of my life and she made it seem like I was really important to her also. We rarely ever had disagreements or fights. The absolute only thing we ever fought about was whenever another guy entered the picture and got in the way of us.

At one point early in the relationship (before it was defined) she confided to me that she had been sleeping with someone else. I was upset about it but I didn't feel like she did anything necessarily wrong since we really hadn't made a decision about seeing other people. After that we decided we weren't seeing other people.

The first 4 months were perfect. We spent a lot of time together, became really close, always had fun, had great chemistry and passion between us, etc. Then she started getting stressed about her work / life situation and became really depressed. I felt like she was very honest with me about her feelings and depression and shared with me a lot about her childhood (coming from a broken family, father didn't want to have anything to do with her, I suspect there was some kind of abuse although she never indicated that, etc.). I was always there to support her in any way I could but I could never really figure out what was bothering her and felt like the things she shared that were bothering her were only a small part of it. I started feeling like she was pushing me away.

Eventually another guy entered the picture and I made it clear I wasn't going to be involved with her as long as anyone else was in her life romantically. She came back to me and said all the right things and we went through a period of 3 months of her holding on to the emotional aspects of our relationship but at the same time keeping this other guy around. When I brought it up, and often did, she said all the right things to make me think that I was really the one she wanted and she just needed time to sort out what she had gotten herself into. She brought up marriage and talked about our future many times but she found it very difficult to tell me what I meant to her. She knew I was in love with her and knew I wanted her long term and that is why I never walked away from her. She told one of my friends after the first couple of months that she saw herself wanting to be with me long term but felt like I was too good for her.

Eventually she officially ended the already over relationship with that guy and things started moving forward for us again. In the following month she made a decision to quit her job at my company which I supported 100%. Her last day I found out that she was going to an out-of-town event with this other guy and that they were staying in a hotel together. She explained that it was something they committed to a while back and had decided they would still go to as friends. I got very upset about this and made it clear I wasn't going to deal with it moving forward but I understood the commitment had already been made (I never tried to stop her or tell her not to do it). I told her that I needed her to commit to me or I felt like I needed to move on. She became very non-communicative and refused to tell me whether or not anything happened at this event. We had sporadic fights about it over the next 2 and a half weeks because I needed answers before I could put it behind us and she wasn't willing to discuss it and acted like it shouldn't be a big deal. The last time we discussed the situation she called me controlling, demanding, entitled, etc (because I needed answers) and told me that she didn't want anything to do with me, didn't want to be with me and I would never hear from her again.

During those 2 and a half weeks she had started sleeping with a guy that lived in her apartment building (he is 39 by the way). This was something that she thought I didn't know because of course she never told me but I could read between the lines in some of the things she said and the inconsistencies. This was a guy that had asked her out at some point in the beginning of our relationship and she always said he freaked her out and was way too old for her, etc. About a month and a half after she cut off all communication I found out that she was pregnant and this guy was the father.

I saw her at a business networking event a few days ago and ended up talking to her for about an hour at the end. She was surprisingly open to me about the situation and told me that she was really depressed and didn't know what to do. I got the feeling that this guy isn't being very supportive and, although he says he will be there for the child, doesn't really want to have anything to do with her. I know that she doesn't want any kind of ongoing relationship with him and really regrets that he is the father. Everything she said to me was pretty much exactly as she has described it to a mutual friend of ours also. I told her that I realize that what happened at the end of our relationship was not really about me and that I forgave her for everything and that the current situation didn't change anything for me. I said that I wanted to marry her before and still do (assuming she wanted me too) and would love and support her for the rest of my life and would love and support her child as if it were my own. The next day I sent her a message saying that the things I said were not because of the conversation we were having but rather something that I had wanted to say to her since I found out that she was pregnant. I didn't want her to think that I said it because I found out more about the situation.

That was a few days ago and I haven't heard anything from her. I am overcome with a lot of emotions. I feel sad for her, I am worried about her, I feel rejected, I feel led on, guilty and I'm confused. I have become extremely depressed after she pushed me out of her life and that is when I decided to start seeing a therapist (at the time I didn't know about the pregnancy). I am torn between trying to move on with my life and what I think I know I ultimately want which is to be with her. I feel like I know I am important to her and she really did want a future with me but she just wasn't ready to accept it. At the same time I can't help but think that I've been led on the whole time. I don't know what to do. I would do anything to reconcile things with her (as I know none of this really had anything to do with me) and really want to be there for her. Sorry for the lengthy post and it's only scratching the surface. I welcome anyone's thoughts or insight on my situation.

[KateCat]

You sound like a great guy who will make a fine father one day.   But there seems to be an issue of boundaries in the here and now, as you might be wandering into the territory of the father-to-be in this case:

he says he will be there for the child . . . . I know that she doesn't want any kind of ongoing relationship with him and really regrets that he is the father. . . . . I said that I wanted to marry her before and still do (assuming she wanted me too) and would love and support her for the rest of my life and would love and support her child as if it were my own.

You might want to listen really closely to what your therapist says just now. (I'm guessing it could be to back away from a situation that needs to be resolved between the soon-to-be-parents of this baby before any third parties enter the picture. Maybe you could check in with her again a year from now, if that still feels right to you.)

You may already know this, but legally speaking, if this man wants to be the dad, he gets to be the dad, at least in most places in the United States.