Therapists and the N/C rule

[LoveLove]

Is it common for a therapist to enforce the N/C rule? Or do people with mental disorders use it as a way of getting space away from you?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

The therapists wanted my dBPDh and I to have no contact for 30 days, except to exchange kids.  He couldn't do that, it would have been fine with me.  We are past that point in our separation, anyway.   NC seems to be a popular thing with all kinds of therapists these days.

[Ceruleanblue]

Is your partner diagnosed BPD? I'm new to all this, but personally, I haven't heard of this. Did your partner give you any explanation other than just to say "my therapist said no contact"?

It sounds rather like your partner trying to push you away, which I find pretty common with my still undiagnosed husband. It's a constant push me away, then try to draw me closer. It's getting a lot harder for him to pull me back in though, because while the pushing me away used to scare me, and I'd scramble to try to "fix" whatever was bothering him, I now use the break to have some peace and recharge my batteries. Because I know at some point he'll try to pull me back, and engage in another battle, or he'll dysregulate and I'll be in it again.

The contact and emotional support I need/crave from him, is never going to happen. He needs it from ME, but it is a one way street, and he only needs/wants it on HIS terms.

I wish I knew the answer to your question. I'll be checking back because I'd like to know the answer to this too. My DH hasn't said this to me yet, but I would not be shocked if he did. I'm constantly getting "get away from me", "just go on your walk"... . "leave me alone". It's like he has the emotional maturity of a three year old.

[LoveLove]

MissyM - I've heard that N/C is in order for the patient to remain focused on the issue at hand, and not to have any "distractions" - and I can understand that. Yet, I'm wondering if depression/mental disorders makes them distort things making it seem like it's not THEM making the decision. But didn't know it is now common amongst therapists no matter the patient's "issue(s)"... .

Ceruleanblue - Not that I know of. It's week 3 of N/C, and I don't know what exactly he has or will be diagnosed with. Yet, after finding this site, only some traits match - not all. And well he was in fact torn on what to do and kept saying he didn't want to stop talking to me, but that his therapist had ADVISED that we have N/C... . and said that it's because she wanted him to focus on his issues. That's all I got.

And yes I'm thinking maybe he became very overwhelmed and he used this to push me away or to take a break from me for a while. And I know he was extremely depressed in week 1 (4 weeks ago). I don't even know if he'll return... . but I just thought a therapist would want someone loving by the patient's side... . but guess I was wrong. Hm... .

I'm sorry that you can't get the emotional support that you need. A relationship is about two people... . yet, it seems like for people who are depressed/mental disorder - it may be a different story.

I've been re-thinking this over and over in my head, so any and all input will be appreciated and I think we can all then possibly have a peace of mind with some sort of an answer... . but I did get "please leave me alone" when I didn't know what was happening at that time and was trying to "fix" the situation and let him know that I was going to support him through it... . but now... . I don't know what to think.

And yes... . many child-like behaviors apparently are present... .

[MissyM]

The way it was explained to me was that my husband was too dependent upon me and I needed the distance to heal, a little.  Think they thought it would push him to really deal with his issues but it did not.  He is doing much better now, with a lot of contact and adding in marital DBT therapy (using The High Conflict Couple).  Of course, he is also dealing with multiple addiction recovery.  However, the break did ME a lot of good.  I was able to really focus on my own healing and became much happier.

Oh, and yes my husband was diagnosed as BPD with narcissistic traits at the beginning of this year.  Finally made sense of some of the insanity.  Addiction explained some but not all of what was going on.

[LoveLove]

MissyM -

I can understand how it would help US having NC - as you said, we have time to focus on ourselves without the insanity and confusion.

But I always questioned him telling his therapist said NC, because I always thought it would be more helpful to have the patient have love by their side as they go through this process. And you confirmed that for me... . but then again, each person is different, so we shall see.

He did tell me that the therapist said if I'm not in the picture, then it will force him to focus on his issues... . but hm... .

[KateCat]

I think therapists might make certain recommendations when treating a client who is married or in a domestic partnership. (There might be a period of limited, therapy-assisted contact sometimes called "therapeutic separation." In the case of a client who arrives with a recent history of three quick romantic relationships, followed by a new one of only a few weeks' duration, a therapist might proceed quite differently. The goal here might be to find out why a pattern is so strong and so distressing to the client.

[LoveLove]

KateCat -

That makes sense. Although I've also been reading how the person just says "my therapist said such and such" because THEY themselves can't admit to what they want... . guess I'll never know.

But good insight to have here... . thank you!

[KateCat]

LOL. The unique nature of this disorder and the unique requirements of its treatment make either possibility very . . . possible, don't they?

(For what it's worth, I've read on this forum of cases where it seemed the therapist really did advise a period of abstaining from romance for a client.)

[LoveLove]

Frustrating to say the least.

This site has made me realize and want to take care of MYSELF and focus on MYSELF. Because whatever the outcome here... . could I honestly live a "normal" life with someone like this? Even if it isn't BPD... . it still seems to be some kind of a PD... . life is too short.

And although I don't want to abandon him... . I can't force him to come back, nor can I play the back and forth game... .

[MissyM]

This site has made me realize and want to take care of MYSELF and focus on MYSELF. Because whatever the outcome here... . could I honestly live a "normal" life with someone like this? Even if it isn't BPD... . it still seems to be some kind of a PD... . life is too short.

And although I don't want to abandon him... . I can't force him to come back, nor can I play the back and forth game... .

All very good insights!