"You deserve someone much better than me"?

[AwakenedOne]

Did your ex say these words to you "You deserve someone much better than me"?

Tonight I read that phrase in another thread here and this "triggered" me to write this:

I was called every profanity word in the book by my uBPDstbxw. My defense = marriage vows to God.

The thing she would say to me that bothered me the most though was "You deserve somebody better than me". Most of the time she would say this in a lame half @ss way after she attacked me in my sleep, lied about something major or was incredibly selfish. Still usually though about 1 hr later she would be back calling me the devil again or she would be doing selfish stuff again or hurting me again or lying again to to the guy "who deserves good", ya right.

The way I saw it is if she can say these words do something about it instead of just saying this robotic phrase. Like be a wife, a real caring wife. The two dozen times she said this is all BS, BS then and BS ultimately in the end because she threw me away in the coldest of cold ways with no car, no place to live, no money, lost a job, had to drop out of college etc... (I am a survivor though, this isn't going to stop me from my goals and dreams) and then never spoke to me again for 9 months now.

Yes, I do deserve someone much better than you.

Peace,

AO

[Emelie Emelie]

I got that too.  You deserve someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated... . etc.  I actually believed he meant it the first time. 

I am so glad to hear you say your a survivor.  That she isn't going to stop you from your goals and dreams.  Hang on to that.

[blissful_camper]

I heard "I don't deserve you" or variations of that. 

[AwakenedOne]

I got that too.  You deserve someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated... . etc.  I actually believed he meant it the first time.  

I am so glad to hear you say your a survivor.  That she isn't going to stop you from your goals and dreams.  Hang on to that.

Thanks, I will. I have been really pursuing my dream career position lately. Monday, I actually have a job interview for that position. Hope things go well.

[Mutt]

I got that too.  You deserve someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated... . etc.  I actually believed he meant it the first time.  

I am so glad to hear you say your a survivor.  That she isn't going to stop you from your goals and dreams.  Hang on to that.

Thanks, I will. I have been really pursuing my dream career position lately. Monday, I actually have a job interview for that position. Hope things go well.

Your ex put you through hell and back. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Our stories are similar. You are a SURVIVOR AO. Keep the course. I wish you the best of luck on Monday.

Chin up.

- Mutt

[Red Sky]

I heard this phrase all the time... . I think it kind of tied into the problems with trusting what everyone said, needing constant reassurance that she was good enough.

But mainly I wanted to say congratulations and best of luck with the interview!

[free-n-clear]

Did your ex say these words to you "You deserve someone much better than me"?

  Yep, the exact same words. Still unsure whether it was just

... . needing constant reassurance that she was good enough... .

or a rare moment of insight and honesty where she realised that I really was her truest friend and didn't deserve the cr@p she put me through.

  Best wishes for the interview, mate. 

[imsodizzy]

Mine would say "i beleave there is someone better out there for you"

[LuckyNicki]

I definitely got that exact same line.  At the time, it would confuse me as hell.   ive dated many women in my life and ive never heard that from anyone else before.  I actually had to google and read  the possible meanings of that phrase.  Loll

Never had I been with a more confusing and vague woman.  

I find them saying this to in some way relieve their own guilt.   Like as a kind of "warning" but they dont want to reveal the full meaning behind it because we'd run away.

[Tausk]

I got that too.  You deserve someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated... . etc.  I actually believed he meant it the first time.  

I am so glad to hear you say your a survivor.  That she isn't going to stop you from your goals and dreams.  Hang on to that.

Thanks, I will. I have been really pursuing my dream career position lately. Monday, I actually have a job interview for that position. Hope things go well.

When I was with my ex, I didn't know/believe that I deserved better. But it's by the learning about the Disorder, looking at my FOO issues, and doing the self work, that I realize now:

I deserved better today!

In the most honest moment my ex ever had with me, when she was doing some of the DBT and trying a bit, I said that I wanted us to be friends.  She said, "I don't know to do that.  All I can give you is sex and cook."  

Sadly it would have been enough if she didn't also have to cultivate other men at the same time.  But it shows how sad the Disorder is.  Even our exes get glimpses of how destructive the Disorder is, but they don't have the capacity to move out of it.  It's Ground Hog Day but in a SAW movie, over and over and over... . pure terror.

Not to Hijack the thread, but in the two years I've been out, I've gotten three promotions and am now at pretty much the highest level I can get at my organization.  It's amazing what not having to worry about accommodating the moods of my exgfwBPD 60/60/24/7/365 (366 in leap years) can do to free up time and energy to actually devote myself to endeavors that actually have meaning and long-term value.

All my efforts with my ex, just went down the emotional garbage disposal of her existence.  It never made any difference in the long run.  I ended up as black as night, with nothing of substance that remains.  

Good luck on the interview.  I found after my ex was gone, that I was so out of it, that I just let go of a lot of outcomes.  I figured since I could survive my ex, I can survive anything.

However, recovery is not just about survival, it's about learning to live in a meaningful, mindful and happy manner.  And we're doing it!

T

[kba1969]

Yes, my X said this quite a few times "You deserve someone better than me".  Her sister once told me after we broke up one time... . "You deserve to be happy".  The last time we broke up my X actually said she was sorry things happened this way.  She said it was all her fault.  She then proceded to paint me black to everyone in her lame circle of enablers.  I think when she said I deserved someone better she was really trying to get me to tell her I deserved her.

[maternal]

I kept trying, for quite some time, to keep our relationship together.  My ex ended it, and for weeks leading up to the final goodbye, he said many things along those lines.  He told me from the beginning that he wasn't the man that I deserve, that I deserve much better, and toward the end there was lots of "this is unfair to you" "I am only half a boyfriend" and "I would run away from me if I could."  Deep down, he always knew I deserved better, but I didn't see as much wrong with him as he did.  There were several times where he would tell me "I need to be free" "I have to figure myself out" "I can't do this to you." But I stayed.  I am only a month out, but I know that I deserve better.  I know that as much as it felt so amazing and comfortable with him, that he'll never truly be the one that I deserve.  I know that I am better off without him, but that pull is still there.  I hate that part.  The part that makes me think it can be okay, that we can make it work and be happy.  I know better, but that damaged portion of my heart just doesn't want to listen yet.

[Tausk]

In the most honest moment my ex ever had with me, when she was doing some of the DBT and trying a bit, I said that I wanted us to be friends.  She said, "I don't know to do that.  All I can give you is sex and cook."  

Sadly it would have been enough if she didn't also have to cultivate other men at the same time.  But it shows how sad the Disorder is.  Even our exes get glimpses of how destructive the Disorder is, but they don't have the capacity to move out of it.  It's Ground Hog Day but in a SAW movie, over and over and over... . pure terror.

I forgot to mention that in the same conversation, my ex also said to me, ":)on't you realize how lucky you to have a girl like me."  Which, was for the most part her attitude.

The Disorder always wins. 

[Littleleft]

Yup, I've heard both a lot.  Both 'I don't deserve you, you deserve better than me' and also 'you won't find anyone that'll put up with you and love you like I do'. Depends whether Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde is speaking!

[Madison66]

I heard that line and many others like "I'm a horrible girlfriend", "I'm a horrible person", "I don't deserve you", and other disturbing stuff like her hitting herself on the side of her head with her closed fists repeating "I hate myself"!  This was usually in response to me either attempting to discuss the abuse or when I'd defend myself against her crap.  It was part of the roller coaster ride and it took a huge toll on me over a 3+ year r/s.  Some of it I see as her uncontrollable defense mechanism and at other times it was straight up emotional abuse and manipulation to control.  It is emotional abuse plain and simple.

Being 6 months out of the "madness" (plus 1.5 years of T leading up to the final b/u) and feeling so healthy and whole, it is difficult to even believe I what I endured and participated.  Leaving the r/s is one thing, but I found n/c to be the ticket to creating the space and peace needed to heal and detach.  I respect anyone who puts there heart and soul into saving, healing, whatever their r/s with a pw PD.  I tried for 3+ years.  The reality is the verbal, emotional and physical abuse would most likely never end and I would lose more and more of myself.  I thank God everyday for the strength and wisdom to end the r/s and finally put myself first. 

[Octoberfest]

After I caught her cheating the last time and broke up with her for good, she told me to forget about her.  I asked why I would ever do that, and she replied, "Because I was never good for you.  You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is, we both know it is true.  So just forget it ok.  Forget about all of the garbage I brought into your life.  Don't let it stop you from loving.  Can you do that for me?".  I don't remember when, I think it was in a conflict before the aforementioned one, but she said through tears, "I would keep you forever if I could.  But it is what it is."  Those sort of statements always struck me as... . I don't even know the word for it.  Basically it left me saying, "You COULD keep me forever, if you just didn't cheat and lie".  I don't think my BPDex sees any other option when it comes to how to live her life.

I also got through tears, "I'm DONE crying over you.  I'm F***in done".  It really did come down to me just becoming a trigger for my BPDex at the end.  It wasn't that I was asking anything outrageous of her, but there came a point that the relationship was just too broken to do anything about.  The instances of her cheating and lying in the past were never going to go away. 

They are simply broken individuals.