Repressed memories?

[Red Sky]

This is a weird one. Has anyone experienced repressed memories?

Background: when my exBPDgf almost killed herself I freaked out. But I found out about it after she was safe and had emergency psychiatric care... . the extent of my freak-out was extreme and kind of disproportionate, leading me to immediately want nothing to do with her ever again.

The trigger for the feeling, I'm fairly certain, is a dude I spent two years in a hideous on/off relationship with. When we broke up, he threatened me with suicide. At the time I didn't worry too much, knowing his temperament. So I let his friends and family know, NC'd him, moved 2000 miles away and got on with my life without feeling any great heartbreak. When the relationship ended, I would totally NOT have called it abusive, I would have called it two people who were equally bad for each other but never abusive.

Since doing my research on BPD on here, I've ended up reading a lot about both domestic abuse and NPD. NPD sounds exactly like this guy. And with every thing I read, I find something new in my brain. Things that I seem to have conveniently forgotten about our relationship. Like it was fitting the narrative I wanted it to. I could remember our fights. I can yell a lot. I dumped him 4 times. I was overemotional through most of our relationship, it was like my head was stuck in a fog for years.

Reading stuff on NPD, I can quite easily dredge up hundreds of unkind things he said which fit the mould. I really, truly DIDN'T remember that on several occasions, he slapped me in front of our friends. I laughed along in whatever the joke was to pretend I wasn't humiliated... . I'm not sure I could remember these occurrences by the next morning. I now remember that, at the time, I (mentally) passed it off as that he had some issues with knowing what was socially appropriate. I didn't remember a bunch of times he did totally inappropriate and hurtful things which were IN NO WAY OKAY EVER.

And now I'm kind of feeling like I've been hit by a sledgehammer and I also understand why I felt so much desire to get away from my latest ex... . Not sure what to do. I'm tempted to go through all of my old emails and FB messages, and see if I can sort out in my head what really happened. See if I get closure by trying to work out what really happened with the guy. I don't like this stuff percolating in my head, even though I know it will be super emotional to dredge it all back up... .

Anyone else ever experienced stuff like this as they recovered? How did you work through it?

[arjay]

Anyone else ever experienced stuff like this as they recovered? How did you work through it?

Greetings.  Yes a lot of us went through the "self awareness" and "relationship reflection", as the days and weeks passed.  It is during those times that we begin to see what we accepted at times only to later question "why was this ok for me at the time".

We best deal with these questions and others through our own personal work.  For example I learned of my poor-boundaries, lack of self-esteem, rescuing tendencies and so on.  A string of unhealthy relationships should beg to ask the question "what is it about ME that ends up in these types of relationships"?

I found through my own personal work, which included two years of counseling, that many of my tendencies became apparent and how those tendencies often resulted in unhealthy relationships.  We are the other half of the equation.

Peace to you

[Blimblam]

Im sorry you delt with BPD and NPD I can not stand NPD!

I totally understand the need to make sense of it all.  For me reading around on here in the learning section with all the articles. Also reading the articles on psychopathfree.com were really helpful and led me to here.

I find it helpful to read about the tactics they use to control you and where they are coming from as a toddler.  Then think back on everything they said here and there as clues once overlooked will reveal them in a different light.

For me the biggest realization I had was her defination of love is totally different than what I think of as love.  And when I gave her my version of love she didn't understand it and resented me for it because my love placed a need on her to feel something she wasn't capable of comprehending which filled her with confusion and doubt. While what she wanted from me was to uphold and maintain the fantasy and provide her reassurance so she can hide from her confusion and doubts. which led to resentment and devaluing.

[Red Sky]

Yes, I am totally rethinking a relationship that totally consumed my late teens.

I think that for me the hardest part is that I realized he was 'messed up' but treated it as benign, a lack of understanding of social convention (I seriously thought autism/Asperger's and treated it as such.) and so I forgave a lot. I didn't understand that you can be the victim of abusive behavior without the perpetrator actually intending to hurt you. Every thing that I read dredges up another memory. Some of the stuff that my mind seems to have 'buried', I don't even think that I forgot the memories because they were painful. I think it's just stuff that I normalized to such a degree that a smack about the face wasn't worth remembering.

As for my role? Yes. I should have legged it at the first red flag. I should have listened a year in when my friend said to me 'honey, it doesn't matter if he's messed up or not. If he treats you badly, you leave. The rest is his problem.'

And yes, it got me into trouble with my BPDex because she was so devoted and clingy that I thought I had found everything a relationship was supposed to be. I broke that relationship off fast, because I DID learn to identify red flags. But I was... . Too kind? To her, friendship or romance, it didn't matter - I was still her SO. I think I'm learning to push for my own needs now... . At least I hope so.

[Red Sky]

Also: thank you for the link Blimblam. More reading material for me 

[Blimblam]

im still learning about red flags and boundaries myself.  I lost myself and didn't even know who I was anymore.

One thing I like from the psychopath free articles is how they say to trust your instinct like if you feel the need to do detective work then its time to leave asap.  There should be no reason to feel paranoid... so knowing yourself and feeling bad should be the red flags.

at the same time that's where it gets tricky because the BPD person will disregard the fact they are lying and treating you badly.  convince you that you are paranoid and controlling and needy and clingy and then complain you make them feel bad for being so negative and its a red flag.

[Red Sky]

Oh hell yes. I have never NOT felt like it was all my fault... . With the NPD guy, I thought I owed it to him to put up with all of his s___ because he put up with me.

Put. Up. With. I was that devalued in my own eyes >_<

Yes. In future I know... . If I have to make an excuse for my partner I have to seriously question if all is okay.