Proving emotional instability & its effect on the children

[Vitto18]

Background: I've recently (February this year) split from uBPDexgf after a six year relationship with 2 children (S5, D1). Discovered she was cheating on me (with her newly married ex-boyfriend), whilst we were planning our future together, looking for a house, schools for the kids etc, literally 3 weeks before our daughter's first birthday (where I had been planning  to give her the surprise marriage proposal she had been demanding for years).

She also has an 8 year old daughter from a previously relationship, who was raised by her paternal grandmother & has only recently started living with uBPDex.

Having tolerated a lot of verbal abuse, blaming, lies, rages, manipulation, continuous suicide threats & 2 actual attempts, alienation from family & friends, and having exhausted myself emotionally trying to understand her, going to couples counselling & so on over the years, the cheating was the proverbial final straw that broke the camel's back for me, especially because it happened at a time when (I thought) things were finally starting to come together for us. She has since moved on from her ex, to a new guy, who is plastered all over her face book as "the love of her life" in the space of about 2 months, & seemingly throwing herself at a new married man at work too. (We unfortunately work for the same company, on the same floor :-( )

I did not know about BPD until very recently & am concerned about the effects on the children & would like to raise them because it seems as though it is often passed on.

At the moment our son lives with me & our daughter lives with her, & we spend alternate weekend with them, but in terms of South African law, the unmarried mother automatically has full custody rights; an unmarried father only has the right to access (visitation) & of course the right to pay maintenance :-)

An unmarried father would have to apply via the high court for custody of his own children, by showing that living with their mother is not in the children's best interests.

Does anyone on this forum have any experience of proving to a court that BPD is a danger to children's emotional development? Does a personality disorder / emotional stability of either parent even come into play, or is it really just about who can provide the best environment for the children? 

Are there any fathers out there who have actually been granted full custody? How did you do it?

[Waddams]

There are lots of fathers that have gained custody of their kids.  I'm not sure how the legal process works in South Africa though.  You'll need to find a lawyer that is familiar with how things work in your jurisdiction.

Where I live, generally it's also default custody to an unwed mother, however, that's usually also because the child resides with the mother.  It is not unheard of for a father to get custody later on. Generally, you have to be able to show some condition created by the mother is harming the kids and it will be fixed by you getting custody of the kids.

I will say, though, that if one child already lives with you, you're ahead of the game.  Without court orders in place here, if a child resided with a parent, that parent would be considered the legal guardian, whether mother or father.  I'd be tempted to go ahead and file to have your custody recognized by the court of the one child that lives with you, and request child support payments from the mother.  As part of that filing, you make a claim for custody of the other child too.  A L would be able to help you figure out the circumstances that support the claim and how they fit into South African law.

I do have to ask though, is there a chance that you could play this different?  The one child already lives with you.  Is there a way you could let things slide legally for awhile, let her go do her thing, and make it clear to her that you can take the other child more often... . make it easier for her to go do what she wants, etc.  It sounds like she'd likely be more than willing to let you have both kids and eventually have them both live with you.  Once that's established and permanent (ie say the kids are both attending school from your home, etc.), THEN file for custody?  Then you're just asking the court to issue paperwork that recognizes what is already reality.

If you file now, will she fight more now basically?  If it's presented as trying to be more cooperative, and trying to make her life easier for her, etc., will she go for it?

[ForeverDad]

Does anyone on this forum have any experience of proving to a court that BPD is a danger to children's emotional development? Does a personality disorder / emotional stability of either parent even come into play, or is it really just about who can provide the best environment for the children?

Are there any fathers out there who have actually been granted full custody? How did you do it?

It sounds like it is so obvious, who is the more stable parent, who is least affected by mental issues?  But it's not that simple.  For example, there are millions of drunks out there, same for people abusing drugs.  Does this automatically disqualify them from being parents?  No.  But driving while intoxicated or under the influence of drugs might, but only if brought to the court's attention.

The point is that just having an issue isn't enough, it's how you demonstrate that it sufficiently impacts the children.

In my case, the custody evaluator stated that parenting history was virtually half the equation.  Translated, he was saying that my ex quitting work after our child was born and being a Stay At Home Mother (SAHM) put her in a good position for custody.  Fortunately her issues became evident and the initial report said, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... . "

Apparently you don't have an overly possessive person to deal with?  Then I wonder if Waddams' suggestion might be a good strategy, at least for now.  If you can avoid triggering her for a while longer you might make your parenting more secure.

And getting local legal advice might add concepts and strategies to expand your options.

[momtara]

Suicide attempts work against a person getting custody here in the USA, so that may help you if you can prove them.

[Matt]

I'm in the US, but I think your legal system, like ours, comes largely from English traditions, so maybe they are similar... . ?

A few suggestions:

* Read "Understanding The Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson, and look carefully at all the footnotes.  Some of those may be exactly what you're looking for - studies that show how being raised by an untreated BPD sufferer can impact the kids long-term.

* Google "BPD impact on children" and other phrases like that, and follow links, to find all the research you can, about how kids raised by people with BPD are affected - much more likely to have alcohol and drug problems, for example.

* Find out if you can file a motion with the court, to have a custody evaluator appointed - a psychologist who can administer objective psych evals to both parents.  Make sure the psych evals will be available to both parties, so you can show evidence of a disorder like BPD.

* Gather all the evidence you can about the mother's behavior patterns which line up with BPD or another disorder.  As Momtara suggests, suicide attempts would be one good example.  Even her e-mails to you might show patterns of thought and behavior that aren't normal.