Texting and Calling Non-Stop

[billybobb19]

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this as I'm completely at the end of my proverbial rope with it.

My BPDw will text me while I'm at work sometimes in excess of 100 times per day. 

If she doesn't get a response in under 30 seconds, it's followed up with a "what are you doing, why are you not answering, who are you with" blast of texts as well.

This is then followed up with repetitive phone calls 1 after the other until I step out of a meeting to answer the call, or she amps it up and calls the receptionist and has her pull me out of the meeting.

I'll ask her what is the emergency and I get a "oh I was worried, you weren't answering your texts."

I've gotten to the point where I've started texting her before I go into meetings, the bathroom etc.  anytime I may not be able to answer her within the 30 second window.  Sometimes this is followed up with "can you text me a picture of the meeting room, bathroom, wherever I tell her I am. If I refuse and say it's ridiculous, this is followed up with a barrage of accusations about I must be cheating on her or meeting with a woman etc. etc. etc.

If I talk to her during my lunch break for 30 minutes and then get off the phone, it's almost guaranteed that I'll get another phone call 5 minutes after I get off the phone with her just to see if I'll answer the call.  If you don't answer, the barrage of insecurity starts over again.  It's as though every minute of the day is a test to see what I'm doing and if I'm where I said I was going to be.

Is this a normal part of the BPD persona?  A constant need to know what you're doing, where you are, who you're talking to?  Are there any women in that meeting?

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[half-life]

Yep, my wife does something like this. If I don't pick up her call or reply to a message in time, she will make multiple calls, then start to imagine irrational thought like I'm in some emergency or I'm cheating on her. I will surely get an earful when she finally got in touch with her.

You wife does it about 5-10 times more often then mine though. It is way out of line from normal behavior.

[maxsterling]

Yeah, that's typical.  I've read the same story here numerous times.  It's not nearly this bad in my situation, but there have been numerous times where I have been at work and she will call or text, and if I don't respond, a second call or text, and if I don't answer a second time, it will be some kind of "I see you don't love me" kind of response.  Doesn't matter that she knows that I get crappy reception in my building.  Doesn't matter that I may be in the toilet, or in a meeting.  And most of the time, it's nothing she has to say that can't wait.  I haven't gotten the accusations of cheating, yet.

Here's the way I understand it.  She's at home alone, and her emotions race out of control.  The other day, they raced out of control because she saw a pregnant woman (WOW!)  She can't control her emotions, validate or sooth herself, so she contacts me.  When I don't answer immediately, her emotions then race even more negative, and she then must find an external reason for her negative emotions.  Her reason for misery must then have something to do with me not answering the phone immediately. 

Even though I understand this is what is going on in her head, that doesn't make it easier on me.  This has been a daily occurrence for a few weeks now, is keeping me from having any free time, taking away my ability to work effectively, and just putting a sour stain on everything. 

[waverider]

very common and it takes strong boundaries to overcome.

An example would be you will contact her at set times, and if she contacts you at other times for non urgent reasons, then you stop contacting/answering for the rest of the day.

Wont go down well but constantly enforced and she will comply rather than not hear from you at all.

Like all boundaries consistency is important.

By you bending over backwards to placate her (which probably never works anyway) she has her neediness validated. You can't sate neediness. Neediness is an ongoing process, you cant fulfill a process, it has no end state or goal. It's like emptying buckets of water into a river, you will never fill it. You simply run out of water

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Billybobb,

Same case here but not that many texts. I have been trying to cope with this, at some point as what others had mentioned, it's not normal and the way I see it, they are crossing over a boundary where they have some form of control even when you are not physically there. It made me swear at the invention of the mobile phone. But it's not about the technology but the use of it. The "power" that they are trying to exercise, is basically some form of control but they feel they have none at all. I'm taking steps to stop it, whatever it takes, because I still want to be a normal person and if she doesn't it's not for me to fix. So far I have not regretted that decision, only wished I had done it earlier.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this as I'm completely at the end of my proverbial rope with it.

My BPDw will text me while I'm at work sometimes in excess of 100 times per day. 

If she doesn't get a response in under 30 seconds, it's followed up with a "what are you doing, why are you not answering, who are you with" blast of texts as well.

This is then followed up with repetitive phone calls 1 after the other until I step out of a meeting to answer the call, or she amps it up and calls the receptionist and has her pull me out of the meeting.

I'll ask her what is the emergency and I get a "oh I was worried, you weren't answering your texts."

I've gotten to the point where I've started texting her before I go into meetings, the bathroom etc.  anytime I may not be able to answer her within the 30 second window.  Sometimes this is followed up with "can you text me a picture of the meeting room, bathroom, wherever I tell her I am. If I refuse and say it's ridiculous, this is followed up with a barrage of accusations about I must be cheating on her or meeting with a woman etc. etc. etc.

If I talk to her during my lunch break for 30 minutes and then get off the phone, it's almost guaranteed that I'll get another phone call 5 minutes after I get off the phone with her just to see if I'll answer the call.  If you don't answer, the barrage of insecurity starts over again.  It's as though every minute of the day is a test to see what I'm doing and if I'm where I said I was going to be.

Is this a normal part of the BPD persona?  A constant need to know what you're doing, where you are, who you're talking to?  Are there any women in that meeting?

[FullMetal]

very typical.

My dBPDw does that quite often.  We're in a very good place right now, and we seem to have a handle on most of her issues.  She still has problems with the calling and texting.  My favorite facepalmer is this conundrum.  Texting while driving is illegal here, subject to a $128 ticket.  She also is deathly afraid of me even just glancing at my phone while driving, so she's training me not to...   But I'll be driving, she'll text me, I'll ignore it as she's training me to do.  Then she texts again, and again, and again, asking me why I'm mad at her?  what did she do?  why am I not responding to her texts.  after about 5-6 I'll try to pull over, text her a one liner, sorry, can't text right now driving, i'm not mad love you... . It wouldn't be so bad if it was during the work day, but its always at a time she knows I'm driving that she does this, like when I usually go grab lunch.  or when i'm driving home.  (although that has been "resolved" by my having to call her every day on the way home from work.

I actually lost a job due to the excessive calling before.  And one very bad night has been the topic of many nights in mc... . but as I said most of this has gotten a lot better.  But even now, with things good, and her BPD mostly under control.  I still get afraid every time she texts me, "why aren't you responding? are you mad at me?  I'm sorry for whatever I did"  (this is made worse by my new phone (Galaxy S4) seemingly randomly switching from vibrate to completely silent (no vibration) mode... . so I don't even get a vibration notification... . so I miss some texts that "I should have gotten"... . )

[waverider]

My dBPDw does that quite often.  We're in a very good place right now, and we seem to have a handle on most of her issues.  She still has problems with the calling and texting.  My favorite facepalmer is this conundrum.  Texting while driving is illegal here, subject to a $128 ticket.  She also is deathly afraid of me even just glancing at my phone while driving, so she's training me not to...   But I'll be driving, she'll text me, I'll ignore it as she's training me to do.  Then she texts again, and again, and again, asking me why I'm mad at her?  what did she do?  why am I not responding to her texts.  after about 5-6 I'll try to pull over, text her a one liner, sorry, can't text right now driving, i'm not mad love you... . It wouldn't be so bad if it was during the work day, but its always at a time she knows I'm driving that she does this, like when I usually go grab lunch.  or when i'm driving home.  (although that has been "resolved" by my having to call her every day on the way home from work.

This is lack of object consistency at work. If you or a problem is not in front of her face it doesn't exist. This leads to abandonment when you are not there so she has to call/text to keep that presence and reassure herself that you have not abandoned her. Likewise the not answering the phone while driving is only an issue for her when it is happening in front of her. It is then her problem. If she is not with you and seeing it, it doesn't exist as a problem, or at least its not her problem.

You will see versions of this occurring everywhere once you become aware of it.

Similarly they will promise not to do XYZ, because you both agree "its a problem". But you believe the issue is a problem, but she believes you seeing it happening is the problem. Hence in your absence she will default back to whatever she was doing. Its not sneaky as such, it is simply because she genuinely believes its not the issue itself thats the problem, its only being seen to do it. 

This is why facades are big part of pwBPD being seen to do whats appropriate is as good as doing the appropriate. The real lesson is never learned. When lack of regulation and impulsive behavior makes maintaining this facade too hard(which is fragile anyway as it's not real) the frustration leads to dysregulation as they go into panic mode.

This leads to the "face slap" and exasperation for the non.

[kfifd196]

HOLY COW!  Sounds like my wife... . 33,000 Text Messages in less than 12 months!  Yes, you read that correct!  And if I didn't respond quick it was hell to pay.  She would call me at work and have me on the phone for 2-3 hours.  When I said I have to go, she would get pissed and say I was shutting her down, when I really just had to get back to work.  If I was cutting my parent's lawn (they're elderly), She would get mad if it took me 10 min longer and wonder where I was or what I was doing, even if I came home covered in grass and dirt.

Yes, I also had sent pictures of Where I Was or What I Was doing, to prove it to her, then she'd get mad that I was being a snotty, spiteful ass for sending them to her.  Never happy... .

She accused me of lying one day, when I told her I was going to Home Depot, then changed my mind and went to Lowes instead, as if I had to report every step I made! 

But, I was always to blame... . it was always my fault she was upset.  Fact is her expectations were ridiculous.  Who has the time to text that much?

She has painted my black and accused me of "Never being there for her".

In January, We were up all night with our then 8 month old daughter, who wouldn't sleep.  I finally told my wife to get some rest and I'd get her down (My wife gets up during the night, when I work the next day, since she's home all day and I do it on the nights I don't work the next day).  Techinically it was her night to get up all night, but I did it cause I love her and knew she was exhausted.  I got 45 min sleep that night, woke up late for work, but still kissed my wife 6 times before leaving for work AND left a 7 sentence love note AND texted her later to stay warm, I llove her and hope she gets to rest that day... . She then said I didn't love her, wasn't understanding and didn't validate her feelings.  What more could I do?  I was 30 min late for work, but still managed to leave all of the love notes and kisses!  THEN, the icing on the cake... . I get to work and get a nasty text, that... . I WAS COLD TO HER!  I had 45 min sleep, woke up late and it was 5 degrees outside with a foot of snow I shoveled the night before... . It was like nothing I did would please her... .

You are not alone!