Feeling like a parent or an older sibling in the relationship...

[confused alot]

I had to get this off my chest sorry for the winded post... .

In the early stages of the relationship (the idealization phase) I actually felt this strong connection with my ex gf, it was something I haven't felt before nor since. I thought (before I realized what mirroring was) we shared common goals, values, dreams, and morals.  The first year of the relationship felt as if we were both equals, and in my opinion, if it's a healthy relationship, two individuals are always equals. We may have different beliefs, ideas, and backgrounds, but both persons want to achieve a common goal; again that's my own opinion. I was never happier, but deep down inside I always felt this was too good to be true. In the second and final year of my relationship, I noticed drastic changes. I felt more and more like the older brother, the intimacy faded, she no longer wanted me to touch, kiss, hold, or even look at her. I became her caregiver, chauffer, ATM, her outlet to voice her mood swings, the third wheel (yes she always wanted her best friend to come out with us). My thoughts, feelings, or concerns no longer mattered. The harder I tried to please, the more she pulled away. I can remember her unloading her daily problems onto me as if I was her counselor, but as soon as I showed any of my own weakness I was no longer confident, her rock, or a the so called man she was initially attracted to. She constantly complained about every ailment, her job, and friends. I really tried to be as understanding and compassionate as possible (very hard to have conversations via text message in a LDR). Believing she was in so much pain as well as being on anxiety medications, I really gave my best effort, compassion, and understanding to her needs. It was never good enough for her. This became exhausting both emotionally and physically on me.   

[confused alot]

I forgot to mention, Every time she came to my house she slept an unearthly amount of time. I felt it was her escape from everything going on in her home town and personal life. In the beginning I found it nice that I could provide a warm and relaxing atmosphere for her to unwind, relax, and feel comfortable, but looking at it now it was only providing an escape from her double life... .

[AwakenedOne]

the third wheel (yes she always wanted her best friend to come out with us). I really gave my best effort, compassion, and understanding to her needs. It was never good enough for her. This became exhausting both emotionally and physically on me.   

I understand and am sorry you went through all that. I felt also like the third wheel in my marriage a lot too. My ex's mother shadowed her and us everywhere and in everything. Good you know you gave your best effort into the relationship. Hold on to that fact.

Peace & Blessings,

AO

[Red Sky]

Yep, I know the feeling. Always being the one that they go to for guidance? For moral support? It was my experience that no amount of compassion, or explanation, or talking down made a difference, too. It was like being a counselor in that all the problems got offloaded and talked about over and over. I think the thing is, though, that no matter how much you say they'll never TRUST that it's true, never take it on board. It's truly exhausting, utterly dispiriting, and it's not your fault. Like AO says, you did your best, and it sounds like you were very patient and tolerant. But BPD is a serious disorder and follows no reason like that.

Peace, (everyone says peace a lot here... . But it always seems appropriate... . )

Red

[Turkish]

I often felt like a Father. To top it off, I am 11 years older than her. Her porevious boyfriends were much younger, and controlling for emotional development and chronological age, my replacement is the same (he's young enough to be my son).

A friend of mine picked up on the father-daughter dynamic years ago in some of our fights, which were rare actually, I would say, " I'm not your father!" To which she would reply, "I know!"

I the end, she cried out, " you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!" (Likely uBPD as well, once I connected the dots). It was then I realized it was over. Then I got, " you don't take care of me, how are you taking care of me?" The math is undeniable, as are the soft costs, but that's a losing argument with a pwBPD.

[Red Sky]

I know the feeling. The more I read the more I understand, and the more I see that I didn't help matters, I should have learnt to shut down the discussions... . I don't think ever realized, before this forum, quite what a serious problem BPD is? That the ability to reason doesn't necessarily work.

[Tolou]

CONFUSED ALOT

"I really gave my best effort, compassion, and understanding to her needs. It was never good enough for her. This became exhausting both emotionally and physically on me."

I agree with you in giving my best effort in the relationship and as a caring person, that's what helped me move on regardless of the pain, is knowing that that is truth, I truely put my best efforts into it, but once I felt like my sanity and etc... . was being drained I had to walk away... . But knowing in my heart that I did try, helps me personally feel like that all I could have done.  And it has nothing to do for me with my best not being enough, I was trying to fit into to a realtionship that wasn't the right size for me, and never would be the right size.  No matter how much I wanted it to fit, I know it didn't... . I found myself feeling like a parent or counselor type too, but nothing would through when she was unstable, nothing rational mattered or made sense to the situation, unless it ended with what she wanted... .  

[Turkish]

I found myself feeling like a parent or counselor type too, but nothing would through when she was unstable, nothing rational mattered or made sense to the situation, unless it ended with what she wanted... .  

In one of the few lucid conversations we had before I initiated LC while we lived together for 3 more months, mine told me, "I need someone to lead me and guide me." In that, I "lacked character" and "failed" in her eyes. I'm not your dad, I'm not your therapist.

Goodbye.

[Tolou]

Turkish... .

I hear you, it's unfortunate, that it has to be that way, in terms of realizing I can't be what this person wants or "needs" me to be in order to maintain the realtionship the way the feel it should be... . I couldn't be responsible for her life either or choices, that's when I walked, to put back on her, as hard as it was... . But, she is still alive, back to work and one her famous lines to me were after months of N.C., "I'm back to just existing"... .

[BorisAcusio]

Turkish... .

I hear you, it's unfortunate, that it has to be that way, in terms of realizing I can't be what this person wants or "needs" me to be in order to maintain the realtionship the way the feel it should be... . I couldn't be responsible for her life either or choices, that's when I walked, to put back on her, as hard as it was... . But, she is still alive, back to work and one her famous lines to me were after months of N.C., "I'm back to just existing".... .

Borderlines don't see themselves as an active agent of their life, events are just happening to them. That's why they can't take responsibility for their actions and need guidence. The same figure will serve to offset blame if things don't go as they want.  

[Dutched]

Borderlines don't see themselves as an active agent of their life, events are just happening to them. That's why they can't take responsibility for their actions and need guidence. The same figure will serve to offset blame if things don't go as they want. 

Couldn’t agree with you more about this one B.A. !

A half core, the other part must be completed by some one else. 

[BorisAcusio]

A half core, the other part must be completed by some one else. 

Yes, the whole fusing of psyches, and the primitive idealization that comes with it is about "buying protection" against potentially harmful external objects and the bad parts of the self. As Moskovitz observed:

"When you are good, you may feel entitled to special treatment and live outside the rules made for others. You may feel entitled to take whatever you wish and to have everything good all to yourself."

That's what Kernberg called "hidden narcissm" of the Borderlines.