Discussing behavior the morning after pwBPD's drunken night

[Cat21]

I realize this may come off as slightly over reactionary, but I become terribly anxious when I'm trying to help my uBPDh through a time when he has absolutely no control. Tonight, my husband came home- thankfully he did not drive- completely wasted to the point where he was not able to stand or walk without assistance and could barely speak.  The friend with whom he consumed massive amounts of alcohol was also wasted, but is quite a bit larger than my H, so he seemed ok.

I was noticeably nervous and worried; I haven't been around someone so drunk since college and even then, I'd avoid it. I tried getting him to drink water, but he refused and when he did try to speak, it was to tell me they I need to leave him be because he's "totally fine." The few coherent words he managed to get out were about me chilling out and not worrying, because this isn't a big deal. He insisted on going for a walk around the hall (we live in a building), so I went with him, but of course he didn't like that either and kept telling me to lean him alone.  He fell off of the couch when he first sat down, and after I helped him up, he accused me of pushing him! He threw up and is now passed out on the couch. I'm awake, watching him, because I don't want him to vomit in his sleep. I really needed to get some rest tonight, too.

Obviously he is not in a normal frame of mind, being so drunk, and most likely won't remember much of the night. Nonetheless, I'm trying to go over what I'll say to him tomorrow, with some new tools I've learned here. How does this sound:

How are you feeling? Last night was troubling for me. I'm glad you had a good time with your friend and that you were able to kick back and relax. You've had a lot on your plate this last month. Next time, remember to drink plenty of water and be aware of your limits. Neither of us wants a repeat of last night.


What I really want to say: never again, you selfish jerk! Do not put me in that position again. You are a grown man who is so easily influenced by those around you- all except for me- your wife! If you insist on getting obliterated again, don't come home. I'm not putting up with that behavior again.

Another question- How might I construct a boundary based on his behavior? Obviously I can't leave- I was seriously worried that he might have has alcohol poisoning. If this happens again, and it might at some point, what can I do to enforce my boundary?

Sorry for the long post- as I listen to him snore, I'm still worried. I know this one incident may seem like nothing to those of you who live or know a pwBPD who is an addict. But, this is hard for me- I'm not great under pressure in these kinds of situations.

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[Theo41]

It sounds like this was an isolated incident which is different than an ongoing drinking problem which is what I'm coping with.

One of the most important lessons I've learned lately is that boundries are for us not them. I used to say things like "I'm not going to accept your drinking and your hurtful behavior" hoping that she would respond by drinking less and being nice. Actually, the only control we have is over ourselves. In my case this means removing myself from exposure to these painful situations. What I have done is to tell my wife not to set up anymore travel that includes me or invite company over. She can entertain her girlfriends but I'll be out of the house. This is not forever but until further notice. (it's in these situations that the trouble erupts and i can not go on exposing myself to  the disfunction that occurs ).The difference is that I'm taking an action rather than making a threat that I might or might not follow through on. In your case it is very important that u tell him how disturbed u were and are by this event. Include exactly how it made u feel:such as frightened, disgusted, disrespected, angry, etc. I would also add that you were so upset by what happened that you don't want or expect it to ever happen again. This is a good first step but think through exactly what u will do if it does happen again. If it begins to shape up as drinking problem (getting fall down drunk is not normal for a mature man or woman) go ASAP to Alanon. Great help and support there. All best to u and know that u are not along. We are here for u. THEO

[Theo41]

On second thought: call Alanon and go to at least a couple of meetings. The women there have dealt effectively with the exact problem u describe. They can also educate u and give u tools that are very helpful in coping with a person with the BPD problem. I have been attending Alanon meetings for 5 years. BPD Family and Alanon have both helped enormously. THEO

[waverider]

Your boundary is not asking him or telling to do anything. Simply that if he does this, you will go into the other room and leave him to his consequencies. That is, you remove yourself from exposure to it. You cannot make him, do anything. Otherwise you take on his problem

A lecture will not achieve anything except create defensiveness, put the excuse back on you. You will feel worse and his attitude to you the next time will be worse.

If this is just a one off, just tell him it made you very uncomfortable and leave it at that. Otherwise you can trigger a chain reaction of consequential issues.

If he is stumbling around and falling over leave him to it.

[Cat21]

Theo41 and Waverider-

Thank you very much for your thoughts; I really appreciate it. This is an isolated incident; he hasn't been that drunk since I've known him (or at least, that I've seen). In fact, he just woke up and apologized for his behavior. He said that his friend kept filling up his glass every time he got up to go to the bathroom, and he (my husband) didn't realize it that he wasn't actually finishing a glass. All I said was, "I accept your apology,and I want you to know that last night was very disturbing and I was very worried for your health." He clearly didn't remember what he was like. He tried blaming the entire incident on his friend, and I said "Your friend may have poured you the drinks, but ultimately, you are the one who drank them. That's not your friend's fault." To my surprise, he agreed! He actually just said the words, "Yeah, it's my responsibility."

As for the boundary- thanks for helping me understand that it's for me and not him. It's so difficult to walk away in situations where I am genuinely concerned about his health. I've become better at leaving to cool off to taking a time out during arguments- and that works- but it made me nervous to leave him last night, knowing his condition. I will contact Al Anon- it seems worthwhile for me to be prepared should this happen again. I do worry about his drinking in general, even though it's never come to this before.

[waverider]

Think of a boundary as being your castle wall rather than as a fence around their paddock. It is a defense mechanism not a controlling mechanism.

Going along to Alanon will at least help you put things into perspective. Some folks have to deal with this on a daily basis. When my partner was drinking first drink was as soon a she got out bed, even if that was 5am, last drink was just before she passed out even if that was in the middle of the afternoon. This was everyday.