Has breaking No Contact EVER led to positive results?

[JohnThorn]

For you or otherwise... . has there ever been a happy end to any of these stories other than the NC clause?

[seeking balance]

For you or otherwise... . has there ever been a happy end to any of these stories other than the NC clause?

what do you mean by positive results?  Are you asking about reconciling?

[BlondeRunner]

For you or otherwise... . has there ever been a happy end to any of these stories other than the NC clause?

what do you mean by positive results?  Are you asking about reconciling?

I am currently  NC (or it might be silent treatment, I don't know!) and will need to break it at some point as he owes me a lot of money (and knows it!). So a positive result for me I guess would be getting my money back with as minimal hurt as possible.

What would be a positive result in your situation?

[Red Sky]

Do you mean, have any of us broken NC and found that it's led us to some kind of closure?

For me? It's early days (8 days NC), so I don't have much of a view. But this morning I did do something that could have been a terrible idea and checked her Tumblr. I used to do this several times a day because she was always posting and it was a good way of predicting her mental state. I saw that she spent a couple of days posting pictures that said 'everyone breaks promises and leaves' on them and then returned to posting pictures of fuzzy animals. So I know that she's still alive (I was worried my NC could make her do something stupid) and she is probably doing okay and moving on.

All in all that was probably a stupid move. If she had suddenly stopped posting I would have freaked out and assumed the worst. Would I want to get in contact with her? No. Last time I did that with an ex, he was horrible to me all over again. It was like further proof the breakup was the right decision, but it also reopened the wounds. So I'm inclined to say that if it was the right decision to start NC you probably have to trust that continuing it is the right way to go... .

[BorisAcusio]

Yes, it reassured me that she is not capable to form mature interpersonal relationships in any way.  

By the definition of the disroder, there is no positive outcome or hope.  

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

BlondeRunner -

I drew up a Promissory Note and added a place to have it notarized.  It included a schedule of payments and was sent via FedEx with signature required.  My uBPDexgf said she didn't get it, then she got it but had not read it but would send it, then didn't understand it, etc, etc, etc.  Eventually, she did send me some checks -- at this rate it will take her 26 years to pay me back the $13,000 she owes at $50/mo.  At least, she did something.  You can always talk to a tax person and send her a W-9 and then declare it as a loss on your taxes.  He will have to pay taxes on it.  My recommendation is do not engage in discussions & don't expect anything.  The money is inconsequential relative to you moving on with your own life and focusing on the present... . do enough to feel that you asked him to be accountable, protected yourself & respected yourself but don't fight in order to re-engage him you can't control the outcome.  You know where that leads - disappointment & more hurt feelings, anxiety, etc.  What's the definition of insanity -- doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

[BlondeRunner]

BlondeRunner -

My recommendation is do not engage in discussions & don't expect anything.  The money is inconsequential relative to you moving on with your own life and focusing on the present... . do enough to feel that you asked him to be accountable, protected yourself & respected yourself but don't fight in order to re-engage him you can't control the outcome.  You know where that leads - disappointment & more hurt feelings, anxiety, etc.  What's the definition of insanity -- doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Hi, thanks so much. This was extremely helpful. Totally agree that this is relatively inconsequential compared to healing and moving on. I'll try and get it back but to be honest if it proves a horrendous amount of hassle he can lump it and be gone!

[BacknthSaddle]

Yes, it reassured me that she is not capable to form mature interpersonal relationships in any way.  

By the definition of the disroder, there is no positive outcome or hope.  

I agree with this.  After I got over the initial painful phase and went into real NC, "breaks" mostly confirmed for me that there was something disordered about this individual and that a meaningful adult relationship with her was not possible.

I wouldn't say it was pleasant though.

The question, as others have said, is: what exactly would you consider a "positive outcome" in your situation?

[Madison66]

I broke n/c about two weeks after the b/u.  I ran into my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years just after Christmas at a local coffee shop.  I was pleasant and pursued a calm and warm closure discussion, and maybe an apology for her last act of abuse and damage to my property.  It shouldn't have surprised me that she spun the same web of crud and actually stated that her rages, physical abuse towards me and damage to my property were caused by me being insensitive to her needs.  That one conversation was a HUGE wakeup call to maintain n/c and close the door to this r/s forever.  Believe me, I was shaken at first from the exchange and then just got angry.  I second guessed the n/c break at the time, but now know it propelled me forward in ways I can't explain.  I never broke n/c again and dealt with repeated attempts by her to make contact in the last ten days.  The door is closed forever to unhealthiness and abuse. 

[Trent]

At our first major breakup, she owed me $500.  When I tried to file a claim with my insurance co., the insurance co called her and she said that I stole $500 from her  .  The insurance co then denied my claim and said it was a civil matter.  So I just let it go because I didn't want to go to court; she would probably get some sick pleasure out of it anyways.  But I digress... .

Fast forward 7 weeks of NC.  She shows up at my hockey game wanting to talk.  I told her the only way I would meet with her is if I got my $500 back.  She agreed and we met the next day, and she gave me the $$.  Then recycle #1 began, with predictable results.

In retrospect, I realized I got some positive results out of breaking NC the first time (not that I would recommend this path to anyone).  I got my $$ back, we had a lot more great sex and good times, and I became convinced, as Boris said, that she's not capable of handling a relationship.  And I feel I have escaped relatively unscathed and learned a lot in the process.  I don't regret my relationship with her, but I'm definitely not going back or starting another dysfunctional relationship with another nut job.  Now it's time to work on me, and address the issues that carried me into this r/s to begin with.

The door is closed forever to unhealthiness and abuse. 

This!

[zenwexler]

Yes, it reassured me that she is not capable to form mature interpersonal relationships in any way.  

By the definition of the disroder, there is no positive outcome or hope.  

This is absolutely on point. I did this on and off contact dance for essentially a year. It took me a while to realize what was happening. By doing they dance it just kept giving me and my friends and family constant feedback that I was dealing with someone who is sick. In fact the longer I go no contact the more I forget about her sickness. I start to nlf me myself. Then I reach out and the abuse begins and the cycle continues. Everyday I try and change for the better. Everyday I was in contact with here I was reminded that she has stayed the same. In a way I took comfort in that.

[blissful_camper]

Yes, it reassured me that she is not capable to form mature interpersonal relationships in any way.  

By the definition of the disroder, there is no positive outcome or hope.  

Yep.  The longer you're away from it, the behavior takes on a whole new level of unacceptable.  Never again. 

[Red Sky]

It is true. I once broke NC with my uNPD ex, purely to stop him from fighting with my BPD ex. I received a deluge of irritating emails that showed he hadn't changed a jot and thought 'what a lucky escape from an obnoxious... . '

[Dutched]

YES,  it did on several occasions.  Moneywise,  for my son and emotionally!

Moneywise: despite strong negative advise of m lawyer, I sent exw 3 letters. Exw (and her lawyer!) didn’t respond in time, which gained me a USD 25K.  Which also gave me all belongings (furniture, etc). Besides money exw basically she ended up with a few boxes and 3 photo’s  of the kids… I have all photo albums

My son: I “attacked” her several time with words via mail about her responsibilities (see in the history of my postings). Matters changed in a positive way for him, even when he is now 19 yrs. old.

Emotionally: several years before the end my puzzle was completed, helped to bring peace again in the family, despite her refusal to be treated as strongly advised.

Post break up all classical signs were intensified  incl.: I left you!  –  be there for me.

No capacity to accept my hand as token for goodbye (“they” never say goodbye).

Tested her… Congratulated her when she moved to another house and later passed her exams. No capacity to show social mature behaviour towards an emotionally “close” one…

Received a few months ago a mail: “Now that everything   f I n a n c I a l l y   is settled…”  (All was settled last November already)  Financially… not emotionally…

So YES, the extra confirmation of exw’s  immature emotional “reality “ with one who spent a 30+ yrs. R/S. 

[Infared]

I realize the a pwBPD is mentally ill... . and that in my experience that really didn't change because the person thinks everyone else is to blame, and that there is not a problem with them. NONE. Therefore they seek no help or change.

That being said... . part of that sickness is the mirroring & adoration phase which (in my case) totally captivated me. It imprinted my soul. I deeply cared about and adored this person... . consequently (even now knowing that they are sick)... . NC is an absolute for me... She is off with another... . she also has caring family... . (i.e. She doesn't need me)

If  any contact is made by me it is noting but abuse as simply by making contact, I have given her ALL the power and it is immediately ugly. I get a smug, condescending person. What's the  point... . it just is hurtful. If she tries to engage me and I allow it (which I never do, for years now)... . underneath it I sense this "I'm doing you a favor" ego... . (there is some kind of need there... . but so what?)... . It just is abusive to me... . It's so sick... . I just don't understand it.

ANY contact of any kind causes me to feel badly. Always.  I do not see that changing. That person is a damaged human being... . but I just can't allow myself to willingly be their prey.

I have a better chance of grabbing a hammer & nail, putting it to my forehead and expecting it not to bleed... . the odds are higher than getting any true human warmth from the pwBPD.

[JohnThorn]

Infrared, I felt like I could have written your post word for word.

Lately I've been feeling more stuck on my ex than when we first broke contact. I can't even put into words what I feel. Part of it is love, part of it is hatred, part is lust, part is fear, part is worry, part is shame. But very little of it is anger. I don't know why.

I feel like my ex caused my emotional being to collapse. My life at times feels totally ruined. I am watching another friend of mine go through a divorce and he doesn't let it destroy him as my ex seems to have totally destroyed me.

I endured so much pain and abuse under the pretense that she was the one, and that I knew she had an illness, but I could not just leave her. Now, she's gone back to the guy from before me. She had this guy "split black" throughout most of our relationship. It was the weirdest thing to, at the end of my relationship with her, hear reaccounts of the guy she slandered for so long "it was all my fault... . he's a good guy" etc.

Then shortly after she and I broke up I started getting phone calls and harrassing messages about what a horrible person I am and that She knows I am attempting to ruin her life in anyway I can... . that id better stop hiring people posing as serial killers to follow her, that I am a complete ass who better stop pranking and threatening her.

Anyone who knows me at all, knows that I would never do this. Nobody I've ever met in fact would do such a thing. And yet,I know my name is being dragged through the mud. I can't do a damn thing about it. I don't know how she could split me black based on things that were completely false, completely never happened. And I don't know why I still fantasize about being with her. How could I want someone like this. I ponder it in every way. I think on my childhood. I meet with a therapist weekly. I have no reason to want such a horrible situation in my life.

One event that happened in our relationship that totally destroyed me more than anythingh else was when her grandfather passed away. I tried very much so to be there for her. But she didn't want me at the wake not the funeral. Strange because she had only talked about marriage incessantly just a week prior. But what it was was that her ex contacted her to offer condolences (and more). Her feelings for me and regard for my feelings evaporated. She told me not to come to the funeral because her ex may be there and she didn't want drama. Then she continued to talk to this ex. And any time I protested she told me "my grandfather just died. You're going to make this about you?" Meanwhile I had (at her insistence) cut off contact with every single female who had once been in my life except for my own mother. I felt like a fool. And I told her I thought she was scum, which then only fueled her to villainize me with her friends "he told me I was scum, 2 days after my grandfather died"

She's with that guy now

[BacknthSaddle]

One event that happened in our relationship that totally destroyed me more than anythingh else was when her grandfather passed away. I tried very much so to be there for her. But she didn't want me at the wake not the funeral. Strange because she had only talked about marriage incessantly just a week prior. But what it was was that her ex contacted her to offer condolences (and more). Her feelings for me and regard for my feelings evaporated. She told me not to come to the funeral because her ex may be there and she didn't want drama. Then she continued to talk to this ex. And any time I protested she told me "my grandfather just died. You're going to make this about you?" Meanwhile I had (at her insistence) cut off contact with every single female who had once been in my life except for my own mother. I felt like a fool. And I told her I thought she was scum, which then only fueled her to villainize me with her friends "he told me I was scum, 2 days after my grandfather died"

I just want you to know that I think many of us have had experiences like this.  Both the instances when my ex pulled me the closest and pushed me the furthest away came on the heels of events in her life that had nothing at all to do with me (her idealizing me when her father was diagnosed with cancer, pushing me away when her sister got pregnant, etc).  Of course, I always either a) found a way to disconnect these things and convince myself that I had actually done something good/bad or b) found a way to convince myself that her reaction was actually about the way I handled things.  The truth is that these reactions had little to nothing to do with me. 

Someone made this point yesterday, but pwBPD, particularly under moments of stress, tend to tailor the facts around them to fit whatever they are feeling at the moment, rather than seeing what's happening and then experiencing feelings in response to it.  They find facts that support the feelings, rather than feeling what is supported by the facts.  As a result, when they are overwhelmed with negative emotion, and you happen to be present, they might project that negative emotion onto you, and then look for details from the past to support the idea that you are indeed the source of the negativity.  This is what splitting black is all about.

[Split black]

@Infrared and JohnThorn... .   My story is the same, maybe worse. I dont know. NC is incredibly hard. I go thru a couple of weeks feeling good... then a trigger... . making contact last week set me back big time. Im cranky, anxious, short tempered, frustrated and sad. Im ruminating like ___ing crazy. And as Infrared pointed out it was expecting no blood from a hammer and nail in the head.

Part of me STILL expects her to come out of a coma, because she SEEMS so happy and SEEMS to be doing so well... . which is just awesome... . but I know better.

Whatever... . breaking NC has not led to one bit of happiness for me... . even the 4 or more recycles I went thru in just one year... . they were all just misery with sprinkled sex crumbs that she would begrudgingly dole out... . insisting thats ALL i wanted. ( but of course she was banging two other guys at the same time, lying and juggling everyone... . so no wonder she was eh not that into it. )

[Infared]

@John Thorn... .

You are starting to scare me... . the similarity... . I lived with this woman for 5 years... . near the end... . her grandfather died... and quests what... . ?... . I am LIVING with her... . her parents love me... . I always look forward to holidays with them, etc... .

... . she does not invite me to go to the grandfather's funeral?... . I can' teen put into words how confused and hurt I was... . doesn't even discuss it with me?

I should have known it was over then... . WOW these people behave so similarly... . I had no idea what I was in when I was in it... . none.  Like you... . something was emotionally amputated from me... . and in my case ... ,never to return. I can't and won't ever give that guy away again. I will keep hi right here with me. THANKS... . BUT NO THANKS LADIES!

At least I have peace, serenity and self love mixed with a little sadness... . but I know Iwill never be in sheer hell ever again... .

[Tolou]

I broke N.C. once to see how she was and in reality to probably lessen my own anxiety, and this was after 6 months N.C. not a word, but she returned to work and I tried to check in.  It was good and bad... . It was bad because everything that I escaped from almost started over, she began with the suicide threat, if I really loved her etc... . The good thing was, it finally sunk in, this was actually the first time I admitted without a doubt to myself, she is unstable, this is not healthy, this was never healthy, this will never work, I need to leave this person alone for my sake and thiers, I was and am a trigger for her worst fears in life... . I am now on almost 1 YR N.C. havent said a word and we see eachother at work 5 times a week.  It was hard to detach in the sense that I had to see her, but, I just look at her as a lost kid I can't help... . When were not in touch, from what I observe she ACTS normal, but in a realtionship, in reality, I know her truth, and I don't want to be part of it, and that okay for me... .

[Ihope2]

Just like Tolou writes, I also believe that I became a trigger for everything bad in my BPDh's life and that for my sake and his, I need to move on and leave him to his life, whatever it holds for him.  There is absolutely no question that we would ever have got our marriage/relationship to any semblance of a healthy relationships.  It was all just too loaded, full of his baggage and also mine.  I have now detached and am left with my baggage to sort out.  

I also think that he can act fairly normal around people when not in an intimate relationship, but the moment anyone gets close to him, it triggers him enormously and sends him off the edge into full blown BPD behaviour.

After the divorce, he will be a sad and fading  memory for me. Luckily we do not live in the same city any more.  I cannot imagine the challenge of having to see one's ex BPD spouse on a regular basis, post break up.

[Infared]

IHope2

Although our situations a totally different, in reading your post... . I think some BPD's, because of their condition actually kind of decide to shed their skin like a reptile and start anew (of course that never works... . it's kind of like the geographical change thing: no matter where you go, there you are)... . And their "shedding" episodes are extremely painful to those that care about them especially.if the loved one is part of the skin being shed... . but that is not considered in the least by a pwBPD.

[JohnThorn]

So is that to say that if our dynamic had less emotional intimacy, we would have not had nearly as many problems? I am a very loving person, and building an emotionally connected and trusting bond is the only way I do things for any long term situation.

I remember when we were together, despite having an intense bond, I never felt a sense of true emotional intimacy. It left me feeling empty, but I always felt like it was coming. I wasn't with her for very long.

The guy she's gone back to has two advantages over me. These advantages relate to someone who can't deal with true emotional intimacy:

1) he lives far away at the moment and only flies in once and a while. She once told me regarding her past with him, that she was happy with him until he came to live with her.

2) he can only speak broken English. In fact I would say based on the few times I've actually encountered him that there's no way he can hold an intelligible conversation with her.

2b) unlike me, I believe he is willing to resort to physical violence whenever she gets "out of bounds"... .

When she began to cheat on me I told her she was a dirty slut. She countered my insult by telling me she was with this other guy for 2 years and never cheated on him. I took that hard. But perhaps, in never being able to forge a true intimate bond, the BPD behaviors were kept in check? She never had a good thing to say about him. He was completely split black to the point where it began to bother me that she would speak of a guy so poorly who moved here to be with her. I used to tell her to remember that the dude had feelings and that she was being totally f-ed up. Anyway, she's with him now. And I believe she had him purposely reach out to me to try and hurt me. Fcuk her!

[BorisAcusio]

So is that to say that if our dynamic had less emotional intimacy, we would have not had nearly as many problems? I am a very loving person, and building an emotionally connected and trusting bond is the only way I do things for any long term situation.

It may take longer but eventually you would face the same problems with the same results. Mine had an emotionally unavailable husband which was a different kind of trigger for her and served as excuse why she exploited him and slept with men enough to form a hockey team behind her back

[Ihope2]

Yes, I think having less genuine emotional intimacy would serve to trigger them less, but they wouldn't be any happier for it, within themselves.  Isn't this why it is common for those with BPD to be attracted to those with NPD?  By all accounts, my soon to be exBPDh was previously in a relationship with a highly dysfunctional younger woman with NPD if not Antisocial Personality Disorder, judging from what he told me about her and their relationship.

My goodness, that alone should have raised the red flags with me.  But, he seemed to have moments of happiness with her and her dysfunctional family and her child.  And they both did drugs, pills and heroin.  So that numbed his emotions even more.  What a blissful existance he must have had with her... . (excuse the irony).

[Pecator]

So is that to say that if our dynamic had less emotional intimacy, we would have not had nearly as many problems? I am a very loving person, and building an emotionally connected and trusting bond is the only way I do things for any long term situation.

It may take longer but eventually you would face the same problems with the same results. Mine had an emotionally unavailable husband which was a different kind of trigger for her and served as excuse why she exploited him and slept with men enough to form a hockey team behind her back

I have the same experience here as well. My uBPDex and I were connected on a deep level. She could shut it down anytime she wanted, especially during emotional stress. Just before the final split she gave signs of feeling powerless. It could be her reaction to enmeshment, or I believe she was feeling unable to control or turn off the deep connection when she wanted. She was terribly afraid of our deep connection.

The new guy is not emotionally available. She has been "teaching him to be more vulnerable and open." I truly hoped this situation would work for her. Perhaps she would find peace in a relationship that didn't trigger her deep fears.

This weekend she devalued him for not being in touch enough during his 10 day business trip. She felt discarded. He didn't respond accordingly while she was in her "clingy" phase.


Different triggers, same disorder. I feel more and more detached by the compassion (if not outright pity) for this terrified little girl going through the same cycles over and over.

I have very L/C, maybe an email every couple of weeks. I have not blocked the information that comes to me about her and initiated contact several times. At first, it was a mistake because I was acting out on the trauma bond. After so much help from everybody here, I have grown so much, especially in my compassion for her.

Now, what ever contact we have or news that I hear, just reinforces that she is hopelessly locked in this BPD cycle.